Exam 2

Friend with benefits common maintenance behaviors (6)

FWB often establish rules to prevent their relationship from turning into romantic 1. Stay emotionally detached (most common rule) -- don't get jealous of other partners, don't fall in love with one another 2. Communication - don't call each other the next day, be open about discussing state of relationship or other relationships/partners 3. Secrecy - who is going to know about the relationship 4. Permanence - how long is the FWB going to last 5. Negotiate sex - i.e. use condoms 6. Friendship - prioritize friendship over sex

Internal working models of self

How lovable and worthwhile we think we are. A highly positive internal working model of self means low anxiety and high feelings of self-worth and lovability A negative internal working model means high anxiety that we're going to be rejected. We don't think we're lovable.

Empty Love

Commitment -Arranged marriages or staying together for child purposes or religious reasons

Stage model of relationships

-Interpersonal communication between 2 individuals depends at what stage they're in their relationship -You can usually tell what stage 2 people are in by the amt and type of nonverbal and verbal comm that occurs

Immediacy: verbal/nonverbal (the big 3)

Communicating feelings of warmth, openness, and availability. Verbal: word choice, choice of address, depth of disclosure Nonverbal: (the big 3) space, touch, and eye contact

Attraction: Physical attractiveness

-Both sexes find height an important factor in attraction -Men: strong jawline, broad shoulders, low hip-to-waist ratio (prefer straight figure over curvy) -Women: soft jawline, hourglass figure (hip-to-waist ratio: .7) -Facial symmetry -Physical fitness

Attraction: Similarity and differences

-Demographic similarity: we tend to be more attracted to those who are within the same demographic pools as us (age, religion, education, income, etc.) -Personality similarity: we tend to be more attracted to those who have similar personalities as us (dominant attracted to dominant, sub attracted to sub, nurturing attracted to nurturing, etc.) Personality similarity also has shown success marital happiness -Attitudinal similarity: we tend to be more attracted to those who share the same beliefs, attitudes, and core values as us. Opposites attract: opposites are usually more successful in short-term relationships, but long-term relationships usually require more similarity than opposites. -Sometimes opposites can work if they're complimentary in nature OR in resources (i.e. poor attracted to rich)

Liking (intimacy)

-Feelings of affection and respect towards someone without sexual attraction or the intention of having a long-term friendship with them

Long distance relationship maintenance behaviors

-Long distance relationships often report being just as happy and satisfied and proximal relationships -However, biggest challenge is that they lack FTF communication, nonverbal cues, physical intimacy, etc. -Must rely on mediated communication (video chat, texting, emails, phone calls, etc.) -Idealization is common -- keeps individuals interested and committed in relationships despite the distance -Focus more on positivity and avoid difficult discussion topics -Usually on their best behavior when they get the chance to have FTF communication (in-depth conversations, positivity, doing different things, making up for loss time) -Therefore, as a result of best behavior and idealization, it can be hard to adjust when couples reunite in person. Must keep idealization in check.

Attraction: Social networks (Romeo and Juliet effect)

-Most of the time, when our social networks approve of our relationship, it increases attraction to the person -When people disapprove however, it can either destroy attraction OR strengthen attraction (Romeo & Juliet effect -- when parental disapproval of relationships increases attraction)

Attraction: Hard to get phenomenon

-Must be moderately attainable -Especially more attractive when an individual is easy to get for you, but hard to get for others

Attraction: Interpersonal communication skills

-We tend to be attracted to warmth and kindness -We are also attracted to high levels of sociability and competence 1. Sociability: one's ability to converse and communicate easily in a group of people 2. Competence: one's ability to navigate a broad range of topics and ideas in conversations. Level of composure and knowledge. Must be able to talk about different, more abstract things. -Women tend to be attracted to men with a certain level of dominance and assertiveness, as well as altruism whereas men are attracted to just altruism

Attraction: Proximity and mere exposure

-We tend to be more attracted to people who are more geographically close to us -The more time we spend with someone, the more we tend to like them (mere exposure) -Where we live, where we go to school, etc. have serious impacts on who we're attracted to

Attraction: Self-esteem and mood

-Your mood has a serious effect on how you perceive the world, thus impacting who you're attracted to as well as who's attracted to you -Those with high self-esteem are perceived to be more attractive and also affects who they're attracted to (high self-esteem = high standards) -Narcissism - Narcissistic individuals are good at attracting others at first, but then they realize that they're overcompensating for lack of confidence

3 Principles of relationship maintenance

1. A wide variety of strategic and routine maintenance behaviors are used to maintain relationships 2. Relationships characterized by higher levels of relationship maintenance often report more relationship satisfaction and duration 3. Different types of relationships require different types of maintenance

Relational maintenance involves: (4)

1. Actions that prevent the end of a relationships; behaviors that permit the existence of a relationship i.e. sending holiday cards to distant relatives or friends for the sake of maintaining the relationship's existence 2. Actions that keep the relationship at a desired level as to maintain the status quo i.e. preventing a friendship from becoming a romantic relationship or keeping in touch with a super close friend after she moves away 3. Negotiating satisfaction and keeping relationship in satisfactory condition i.e. having a candlelit dinner with romantic partner or going on vacation with friends 4. Managing conflict and doing repair work in a relationship i.e. avoid problems from happening and deal with them appropriately when they do

3 ways to communicate closeness

1. Affectionate communication - communicating feelings of fondness and positivity towards another individual 2. Immediacy behavior - signaling warmth and openness, decreasing physical/psychological space, and promoting interaction. Broader concept than affection. 3. Social support - giving advice, showing caring and concern. Providing assistance to those who are perceived as being in need of aid.

5 Propositions of AET

1. Affectionate communication/affection is innate. We are born with a need and the ability to receive and give affection. It's a fundamental need where when we feel it, we experience positive feelings but if we don't we experience adverse consequences. 2. Feelings of affection and expression of affection are distinct and do not necessarily occur simultaneously 3. Affectionate communication is a biologically adaptive behavior and helps us achieve our ultimate goals of survival and procreation. Affectionate communication helps us develop and maintain relationships, and also signals to us who is a fit and viable partner to procreate with. 4. Each individual has a different level of optimal affection 5. When an individual's optimal tolerance for affection is violated, he or she will experience adverse physiological consequences.

Reasons for keeping friendship platonic and what kinds of maintenance behavior characterizes each (6)

1. Protecting friendship - most common reason, characterized by positivity, joint activities, liking, and closeness 2. No attraction - second most common reason, characterized by no flirting 3. Disapproval from social networks - third most common reason and characterized by avoidance 4. Uncertainty about other person's feelings or the actual success of the relationship should it turn romantic. Characterized by avoidance 5. Already in other romantic relationships 6. No interest in romantic relationship

Assumptions of stage model (5)

1. Descriptive, not prescriptive - doesn't tell you how to develop relationships, rather, tells you how most relationships tend to progress 2. Simplifies the complex nature of relationships for the sake of examining the verbal and nonverbal comm taking place in each stage 3. Assumes that any given relationship can only be in one stage at one particular time 4. Assumes that relationship either progress towards intimacy or decline in de escalation (assumes the starting point is at the bottom of the stairs or at the very top) 5. People can either spend a short or long time in whichever stage--dependent on the relationship

Cross-sex friendships challenges (3)

1. Emotional bond challenge: we are socially conditioned to view every man-woman relationship as a potential romantic relationship. Therefore, when we are extremely emotionally close with another individual of the opposite sex, we tend to question why we're not in a romantic relationship. 2. Sexual challenge: difficulty coping with potential sexual attraction to your friend 3. Public presentation challenge: dealing with others potentially viewing your relationship as something more than it actually is

Lee's Love Styles (3 primary)

1. Eros - romantic, passionate love. Erotic lovers tend to know what their "ideal type" is, focus on sex, deep intimacy, disclosure, loving, and intense high and lows. Erotic lovers are good at disclosing, eliciting disclosure, and engaging in nonverbal affection. However, they may have the tendency to set their relationships up for failure bc of high expectations and focus on physical attractiveness. 2. Ludus - game-playing love. Ludic lovers like to "play the field," have multiple partners, and have sex for fun and enjoyment. They lack the desire to engage in long-term commitment and may find themselves in on-and-off again relationships quite frequently. 3. Storge - friend-based love. Storgic lovers think love should evolve from friend --> lovers, that it's a growth in process. Storgic lovers tend to focus their energy on the positive and keep the more intense, negative feelings on the DL. they may at times find their relationships to be dull and predictable.

Common turning points (8)

1. Getting to know time - focuses on initial interactions, i.e. first date, first conversation 2. Quality time - shared activities i.e. going on vacation, graduation, meeting each other's families, etc. 3. Passionate events - first kiss, first time saying "I love you," first time having sex; romantic relationship transition - friendship turns into romantic relationship 4. Exclusivity/external competition - 3rd party enters and stirs jealousy or conflict; dropping all others and being exclusive 5. Change in family structure (adopting a kid, having a kid, getting a new step member of the family) 6. Positive or negative psychic change - sudden unexplainable change in attitude towards an individual 7. Crisis: sacrifice or support - being there for someone in a time of major conflict or crisis 8. Physical separation and reunion - spending time apart, vacations, business trips, moving away, and even psychological distance

Stages of escalation

1. Initiating - initial interactions, establishing a point of contact. Reducing uncertainty and very superficial conversation 2. Experimenting - further reducing uncertainty and showing interest in getting to know the other person. Exploring likes and dislikes, similarities and differences, little unique communication 3. Intensifying - mutual understanding that this is an important and intimate relationship Verbal communication: "we" talk over "i" talk, pet names, more unique communication Nonverbal communication: more touching, closer distance, and more interactional synchrony (mimicking each others non verbal tactics to show interest and engagement) 4. Integrating - Clearer definition of roles/relationship, becoming more public, officially labeling the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend or best friend. Your physical possessions and social networks overlap, others consider you two to be a unit. Two people's lives essentially merging into one. 5. Bonding - social commitment or ritual that signifies the intention to continue the relationship indefinitely verbal: "forever" talk, vows, promises nonverbal: marriage, rings, buying a house, moving in, having kids

Attraction: Expectations

1. Our expectations of other people cause us to notice their behavior as usual or unusual, influencing our attraction to them - If their unusual behavior is positive, then attraction will usually increase 2. Our expectations of other people become reality, influencing our attraction to them - If we expect someone to be nice and friendly, we'll usually treat them in such a way as to elicit that kind of behavior and reinforce our expectations of that person

4 factors that influence attraction

1. Personal qualities that you bring to the interaction 2. Qualities the other individual brings to the interaction 3. Qualities that indicate the chemistry and synergy between 2 people 4. Environmental factors that influence attraction

Assumptions of AET (3)

1. Procreation and survival are superordinate goals 2. Communication helps serve one or both of these goals 3. Humans do not need to be aware of the goals that their behavior serves

Important communication skills when initiating and developing relationships (5)

1. Relationship initiation skills - being able to initiate conversation and establish a point of contact. More sociable and extroverted individuals excel in this area. 2. Self-disclosing skills - being able to disclose the right amount of personal information at the right time 3. Emotional support - providing assistance, listening, being non judgmental. Responsiveness - warmth, caring, and other-centeredness 4. Negatively asserting yourself - navigating problems in a relationship while maintaining face/making sure your needs are met while acknowledging the needs of another. i.e. confrontation, being able to say no, etc. 5. Managing conflict - conflict is inevitable in any relationship

Internal working models: 4 quadrants

1. Secure (I'm okay, you're okay) -comfortable with intimacy -want interdependent relationships -self-sufficient 2. Preoccupied (I'm not okay, you're okay) -overly clingy -need too much intimacy 3. Dismissive avoidant (I'm okay, you're not okay) -desire independence, don't see the point in relationships -avoid intimacy 4. Fearful avoidant (I'm not okay, you're not okay) -Desire relationship but also very fearful of rejection, so they avoid relationships and intimacy entirely -View relationships as painful

Can attachment styles change?: stability (reinforcement effect) and change (4)

1. Stability: attachment with primary caregiver has STRONG influence on the attachments you make today. Reinforcement effect: we tend to communicate in ways that reinforce our attachment styles 2. Change: 1. significant life event 2. different relationships = different attachment styles 3. partner's attachment style 4. personality susceptibility

4 Types of cross-sex friendships

1. Strictly platonic: both individuals want to be just friends Characterized by low levels of flirtation and joint activities, and talk more about other relationships. 2. Mutual romance: both individuals want to be romantically involved Requires the highest level of maintenance in order to transition from friendship to relationship 3. Desires romance: you want romance, partner doesn't Also involves a good deal of maintenance, however will tend to avoid discussing relationship directly out of fear of rejection or uncertainty 4. Rejects romance: your partner wants romance, you don't Characterized by low levels of flirtation and joint activities, talk more about other relationships.

Affectionate communication (3-part model)

Communicating feelings of fondness, intense positivity, and liking towards another individual 1. Verbal communication 2. Direct nonverbal i.e. kissing, hugging 3. Indirect nonverbal i.e. doing favors, showing support

Lee's love styles (3 secondary)

4. Mania (eros + ludus) possessive, dependent love. Manic lovers tend to be overly possessive, dependent, obsessive, and jealous. They have an insatiable need for attention and affection. 5. Pragma (ludus + storge) Pragmatic lovers tend to have a "check-list" for partners. Their love tends to be cool-headed, collected, and deliberate, yet still desire a long-term commitment. They may find their relationships to be dull at times. 6. Agape (eros + storge) all giving, selfless love. Agape lovers tend to put their partners on a pedestal and give more than they receive. Sometimes may be disappointed or feel guilty for not being able to give enough to their partners.

Attraction

A force that draws people together -Attraction can occur quickly over time -Attraction is complex (many reasons for attraction) -While there are many reasons for attraction, there still exists a few fundamental reasons for attraction

Invisible support

A more lowkey, indirect, hidden, and routine way of giving support that usually goes unnoticed by receiver. Invisible support is said to be, in some cases, more helpful in relieving distress in an individual than direct support.

Person-centered messages (high, moderate, and low)

A way of providing support that legitimizes the person's feelings, elaborates on them, and helps put it into perspective. High: legitimizes feelings, elaborates on them, validates the person, puts it into perspective "i'm so sorry you feel that way, you have the right to feel that way. But since it's early on, don't you think there's a chance she'll be okay?" Moderate: acknowledge the person's feelings but fail to elaborate on it or contextualize it "i'm sure she'll make it through, don't worry." Low: implicitly or explicitly denying the person's right to feel that way i.e. "you shouldn't even be worried"

Affection Exchange Theory

Affectionate communication is a biologically adaptive behavior. Affectionate communication helps develop and maintain relationships, which ultimately serves our goals of survival, reproduction, and promoting the health and welfare of offspring.

Antisocial maintenance strategies (8)

Antisocial maintenance strategies are negative behaviors that are also designed to maintain relationship, though often not tending to increase relationship satisfaction. Some examples include controlling partner to prevent them from leaving you, making yourself more desirable, or avoiding conflict. 1. Jealousy induction 2. Destructive conflict management 3. Infidelity 4. No flirting 5. Talking about other people/relationships 6. Spying 7. Avoidance 8. Allowing control

Attachment Theory (assumptions) -- define attachment styles and list few assumptions

Attachment styles: the bonds that we form now are mainly dictated by the kind of bond we shared with our primary caregivers. -Bond with primary caregiver is our primary attachment. This kind of attachment remains relatively stable throughout our lives -Attachment styles has adaptive value -- caregivers acted as a secure base and allowed their children, who cannot fend for themselves, to freely explore environment but also be protected.

Attraction: Relationship beliefs

Destiny belief - We have a soulmate, one true love. This belief usually entails the other individual as being perfect, extremely high expectations for them Growth belief - Relationships are a growth in process. Start off as friendships and grow and learn. This belief permits the imperfections and flaws of others.

What are friends with benefits?

Friends with benefits are friends who have sex without any romantic commitment Women tend to focus more on "friends"--emotional connection whereas men tend to focus more on "benefits"--the sex

Attraction: Halo and Horn effect

Halo effect: when an individual is perceived the be physically attractive, they're also assumed to be socially competent, popular, friendly, funny, etc. Horn effect: when an individual is perceived to be unattractive, they're also assumed to have negative personality traits

Dark side of supportive communicaton

Sometimes supportive communication can have adverse consequences: 1. Burden on support giver 2. Lead to bad advice 3. Threaten one's positive or negative face 4. Make one feel judged or criticized

Internal working models of others

How well, responsive, and caring we expect others to act towards us. A highly positive internal working models of others means we expect others to treat us well. A negative internal working model of others means high avoidance. We assume others will fail us and maltreat us so we avoid relationships.

Testing AET -- the experiment and the outcomes

If affection contributes to survival, then some relationships will be more affectionate than others. Relationships that promote survival will be characterized by more affection. More affection leads to more physical and mental health. Kissing-- the experimental group was told to engage in more kissing whereas the control group was not given such instructions. The group that kissed more showed the following results: 1. Lowered cholesterol 2. Lowered stress 3. Increase in relationship satisfaction

Companionate Love

Intimacy + Commitment -Friendships

Romantic love

Intimacy + Passion -Feelings of emotional closeness and sexual attraction. -usually characterizes the initial stages of relationships, lack of commitment

Consumate love

Intimacy + Passion + Commitment -"soul mate," being best friends with your partner

Sternberg's Triangular Theory or Love

Intimacy, passion, and commitment

Latent Intimacy vs. Manifest Intimacy

Latent intimacy - internal feelings of emotional closeness, not visible. Tends to increase over time and then stabilize Manifest intimacy - external expression of intimacy via verbal and nonverbal affection, etc. Tends to increase, then decrease over time (people no longer feel the need to be overly affectionate and intimate as time passes)

Liking vs. Loving

Liking is characterized by affection and respect. Loving is characterized by intimacy, attachment, and caring.

Maintenance in friendships--what are the most important maintenance behaviors?

Maintenance in friendships are often characterized by positivity, closeness, trust, and liking.

Attraction: Attachment styles

Our attachment styles affect how we are attracted to others and how others are attracted to us 1. Secure Comfortable with intimacy and trust can develop in a relationship 2. Dismissive Uncomfortable with intimacy, believe that they are independent and don't need to be in a relationship 3. Preoccupied Really want to be in a relationship but scared of other person leaving; clingy 4. Fearful-Avoidant Desire to be in a relationship but also want to be independent

Infatuation

Passion -object of sexual attraction, lack of emotional connection or long-term commitment

Fatuous Love

Passion + Commitment -i.e. Kim K and Chris Humphrey, lack of emotional connection, sexual attraction and long-term commitment

Physical, emotional, and relational closeness in relationships

Physical closeness - spatial proximity and physical touch. Fun fact: in marital relations, people tend to value affectionate communication over sex Emotional closeness - sharing&caring-- sharing experiences, feelings, and thoughts with one another. Feelings of trust, concern, care. Giving support and advice in times of need. Relational closeness - interdependence and influencing one another's thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Sharing and exchanging resources and intertwining beliefs and values

Prosocial maintenance strategies (10)

Prosocial maintenance strategies are positive behaviors that promote closeness, trust, and liking between two individuals. 1. Positivity - happiness, cheerfulness Smiling to someone, giving them a compliment 2. Openness - directly discussing relationship, self-disclosure, actively listening and talking to partner Telling secrets, listening to how each other's days went 3. Supportiveness - emotional support and security giving advice and reassurance to someone in time of need 4. Assurances - underscores commitment, ensuring their future together, support talk about getting married, telling partner that you care 5. Romance and affection - conveying romantic feelings of love and positivity Saying "I love you," hugging and kissing 6. Sharing tasks 7. Joint activities 8. Social networks - meeting one another's families, accepting each other's friends 9. Humor 10. Constructive conflict management

Supportive Communication (5 types)

Providing assistance to those who are perceived as being in need of aid 1. Emotional support: caring, concern, empathy 2. Informational support: giving advice or information to solve a problem 3. Tangible aid: providing physical assistance, goods/services 4. Esteem support: boosting one's sense of self-worth 5. Network support: directing someone to a person or group who are in need of similar type of assistance

Attraction: Environmental features (reinforcement affect model and excitation transfer)

Reinforcement affect model: we sometimes associate feelings we experience in a particular physical setting or environment with the individuals within that particular environment Excitation Transfer: we sometimes mistake the cause of our emotional arousal. When certain events produce adrenaline rushes, faster heart rate, sweating, nervousness, we mistake this for attraction to someone.

Attachment styles in children: secure, avoidant, anxious-ambivalent

Secure: (most children have this) Parent is entirely responsive, warm, and loving. Children are free t explore their environment, are nice to strangers, and protest separation but are happy when their parents return. Avoidant: Parent is either entirely neglectful or overbearing. Child is then over or under stimulated and avoid relationships and intimacy as a whole. Do not protest separation and barely show emotion when parent returns. Anxious-Ambivalent: Parent is very on-and-off, inconsistently responsive. Child is then confused, anxious, preoccupied, insecure, and unsure. Protest separation and are both happy and angry when parents return.

Strategic vs. routine maintenance behaviors

Strategic maintenance behaviors are specifically designed to maintain relationship; deliberate and intentional in nature i.e. sending boyfriend flowers for valentine's day, calling friend after a big fight to apologize, etc. Routine maintenance behaviors, on the other hand, are less intentional and deliberate. Individuals may most of the time be unaware that they are even engaging in behaviors that are maintaining the relationship. i.e. splitting chores with roommate and completing them, greeting a friend with a smile and waving hello.

Commitment

The "cool" component -Related to thinking and decision-making in relationships -The decision to fall in love and maintain that love -Considered one of the most important components of love (fidelity, responsibility, etc.) -Tends to increase over time and stabilize

Passion

The "hot" component -can be emotional arousal in friendships, but in relationships it mostly refers to sexual arousal -extremely hard to maintain and control, very intense -tends to be high at the beginning of relationships, then decreases over time

Intimacy

The "warm" component -characterized by emotional closeness and connection -Considered to be the most foundational to the experience of love

Types of attraction (big 3 and others)

The Big 3: 1. Task attraction: being drawn to someone in order to fulfill some instrumental goal 2. Physical attraction: being drawn to someone's physical features (eyes, height, build, etc.) 3. Social attraction: desire to be friends with someone and spend time with them Others: 1. Sexual attraction: desire to engage in sexual activity with someone 2. Chemical attraction: the neurological component of attraction--we don't see chemical attraction happen (oxytocin release, pheromones) 3. Relational attraction: desire to be in a long term, committed relationship with someone else (whereas social attraction is maybe I want to be friends with them/I want to get to know them. This is much more deep in nature) 4. Fatal attraction: when the initial qualities that draw you to someone becomes repelling factors

Attraction: The Matching hypothesis

We tend to be attracted to those who we perceive to be of a similar level of attractiveness as us. This is because we want the optimal level of attractiveness with the lowest chance of rejection

Relational turning points model (what is it/define turning point)

Turning points - any major occurrence or event that has a major impact of the relationship (i.e. first time meeting or events we commemorate) The Relational Turning Points model suggests that significant life events have major impacts on our relationships. It has a much "choppier" view than stage models because it emphasizes periods of extreme growth and decline based off of a random pattern of highs and lows

Attraction: perceptions of reward / social exchange

We tend to be attracted to people who we perceive to have high reward value (give us affection, love, laughter, etc.) **Social exchange -- we tend to weigh the benefits and costs of each relationship. We want to maximize benefits while minimizing costs

Same-sex friendships (women vs. men)

Women tend to talk more, show more nonverbal affection, and desire emotional closeness -More self-disclosure, comfortable with hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. Men tend to rely more on activities and show more covert affection -Play sports together, going camping, driving around, playing video games -Less physically intimate and disclosive Women = talk, men = walk