HDFS final

"Growing up can be harder for children of divorce because they must deal with psychological issues that children from well functioning, intact families do not have to face"

if divorce is followed up by inept parenting and/or continued conflict, divorce is detrimental high conflict in marriage is also detrimental

a person who scores high or low on a particular trait is likely to retain that standing throughout adulthood

if you're extreme tend to be more stable if in the middle going to have a little bit more play in your personality

openness:

imaginative or practical variety or routine independent or conforming

top 5 regrets of people who are dying: (40s, 50s, 60s not old age)

(more in notes) basically you have to choose happiness!!

results after 5 years in children:

1/3 doing well 40% had significant problems remaining kids had some problems majority of children wanted parents to remarry each other majority of parents had given priority to adult needs over children's needs

marital interaction assessment

15 minute discussion by husband and wife

going solo by Eric Klinenberg: professor of sociology at NYU

1950: 22% of all adults (21-64) were single; accounted for 9% of households 2012: 50% of adults are single; accounts for 28% of households

results after 5 years in adults:

50% of men / 75% of women felt more content 50% of men / 25% of women felt as unhappy only 10% of kids felt relief when parents divorced

apologizing: feel empathy, feel bad for what you did

I am sorry for ____ It was wrong because___ in the future I will ____ will you forgive me?

generativity:

a capacity to care for others in a broader way than previous stages. to nurture that which outlives the self. realize that time is limited and you want something to outlive yourself; now is the time to start thinking about that contributing welfare of society doesn't have to be only kids

issues that children of divorce have to deal with:

adjustments: being forced to move having 2 parents in 2 different homes having to adjust to parents' new lovers carving out a new relationship with father Wallerstein found that adolescence begins earlier in divorced homes

in general:

agreeableness and conscientiousness increase in middle age neuroticism declines extraversion and openness either do not change or decrease slightly

Five good things that healthy relationships provide:

aliveness empowerment knowledge about other and self sense of worth sense of greater connection

role of the father in colonial times

all powerful patriarch, but fully involved. father made all of the decisions he was the household, source of social support for kids

sleeper effect

anxiety about their own successful involvement in romantic relationships whatever attachment was before divorce it lessens after divorce some evidence that it depends on temperament, time, and mostly how parents handle it some emerging adults get through this easier

gay and lesbian couples

are best at communicating

criticism:

attacking someone's character. it involved blame and is global (i.e. you never listen, you always are negative) complaining is not criticism: it can be good because it airs something wrong with the relationship (i.e. I am not happy about something and we need to talk about it)

accessibility

availability (potential for interaction) if they are around and ready to engage in interaction with their kid

males

avoid relationships or reserved in relationships keeping level of intimacy and disclosure down

masculinity-femininity:

becoming more androgynous men can become more nurturing, allow themselves to be nurtured not feel the need to prover their masculinity women may turn towards career, "I can be tough I can be assertive I can be a leader"

destruction-creation:

becoming more aware of how we have acted in a harmful way toward others and trying to correct it

stagnation:

being self centered and self indulgent with a lack of concern about contributing to the welfare of society

role of the father in industrial times

breadwinner- dad went to work while mom stayed home dad brought home the money and that was it mom took care of kids

neuroticisim

calm or anxious secure or insecure (correlated to attachment but probably not the same thing) self satisfied or self pitying

physiological measure

heart rate, pulse, palmar skin conducatance, gross motor movement, blood assays of immune response

positive affect includes:

humor, affection, validation, joy couples that stay together don't ignore each others' bids (things excited about like an article or new item)

these changes (which have been verified cross culturally) could be said to reflect a "settling down" or maturity

children will matter more to you than yourself a parent is never happier than their saddest child

what can be generated

children, ideas, products, contributions to community/charity, contributions through teaching/monitoring, generativity requires a "beliefs in the species"

indirect effects

co-parenting: ways mom and dad parent together; if they are constantly fighting there will be negative effects; if they get along great, split housework and child care as a team we see more positive child outcomes quality of the marriage: when mom feels supported by dad; when marriage is happy; these things make mom a better mom and dad a better dad economic support

broader social context

community and culture: ideas about what constitutes a good father

poor adjustment to divorce in children is associated with:

continuing conflict between parents decline in parental support loss of contact with non-custodial parent economic decline decline in parental supervision moving

women more likely to

criticize

individualistic factors:

dad factors: motivation efficacy: am i ready to take on the responsibility of being a dad? depressive symptoms: still face, shy away from parenting if dealing with depression modeling or compensating (their own father's involvement): going to copy what your dad did great, kids from divorced families biggest struggle was missing dad, they want to compensate from that attitudes about masculinity: whether or not positive negative or neutral about masculinity doesn't play into if he chose to be or not be a part of child's life Child factors: gender: maybe mixed evidence- complicated system biological relationship to the father: we see here that typical family more involved what we see it isn't their biological relationships it is their current relationship to the child's mother; unstable!! dad becomes focused on current partner's child by showing current partner that they can be a good father increases their chances of having a child with that partner temperament: difficult babies harder to parent for moms and dads

middle class couples:

decision to move in together is more deliberate, thought out are more likely to see cohabitation as a step to marriage

defensiveness:

denying responsibility goes hand in hand with criticism (i.e. when someone feels criticized they are going to defend themselves)

children with divorced parents experience more problems in the following areas than children from intact families:

depression/anxiety academic achievement (not IQ) self-concept social competence health problems psychological problems

cohabitation

differences in why we cohabit and when we cohabit are associated with different outcomes; presently 70-90% of couples will live together before marriage; length varies dramatically

engagement

direct interaction (care-taking, play) and affective component ex: dad A plays ball with kid "go fetch" dad B interacting the whole time while playing ball one is positive engagement one is negative

negative affect includes:

disgust, contempt, criticism, belligerence, domineering, defensiveness, whining, tension, fear, anger, and sadness; certain kinds are better than others, being angry, sad isn't bad you should not be afraid of your partner however

consensus

do we agree on issues? like equal rights, children, how we want to raise our children, what is important, what do we value, how important is family; this is the one that time should be spent on; are there going to be problems that aren't solvable

emerging adulthood

doesn't matter when your parents divorced she saw this common effect once they reached emerging adulthood-->

contempt:

idea disgusted of you the intention to belittle the other person intention of making the other one feel stupid (i.e. sarcasm, eye rolls)

do fathers parent differently?

domain-specific interactions with children: play > care-taking, more involved in child's sports life, "side by side" (as seen in men men relationships) care-taking still more of mother's domain than fathers dead-beat dad: unemployed, not paying child support more viewed as the disciplinarian father that is primary caregiver: they are the one that is consistently with the child most responsible for raising them

factors that contribute to high divorce rates:

economic independence in women; decline in earning power of men without college degrees; greater social acceptance of divorce; expectations of personal fulfillment of marriages not met

prelude to marriage

engaged, set a date, no reason to wait you might as well

3 domains of theoretical framework of father involvement

engagement, accessibility, and responsibility

in the 1970s there was doubt as to the importance of father involvement

era where the father was the bread winner. it was a foreign thought to think they would be any more involved than bringing the paycheck home

specific affect coding system

facial expression, voice tone, and body language

what makes up happy

family meaningful philosophy of life purposeful work

young adults who perceived their parents' marriage as high in conflict

fared better if their parents divorced and the conflict ended

young adults who perceived their parents' marriage as low in conflict

fared worse if their parents divorced

Direct effects

father child interactions, playing communicating

descriptive results (in generl)

fathers spend less time with their children than mothers (in all 3 domains) father involvement has increased over time (in all 3 domains) fathers are more likely to be involved in dual-earner households than father earner only households - fathers do more particularly when both parents are working

preschool

fear of abandonment: don't want to do anything wrong because you are scared parent you are living with is going to leave too confusion about visitation: doesn't understand time like we do; visiting is confusing especially when all your life your family has been a unit difficulty in comforting self: still need adults to calm down; need adults to regulate emotion

utilitarian:

finances, anybody can site it, cheaper makes sense, easier

young-old:

finding positive meaning in being older; women have a harder time because of society standards letting men age easier; men focus on health women focus on body i.e. plastic surgery; let go of need to portray that you are younger

mid-life development 40-65 years

generativity and stagnation

propinquity

geographically close to the person social media has taken it out of the equation to some degree: can meet people online

9-12 years old

intense anger: you left, there isn't as much I need you so much psychosomatic symptoms: prone to getting headaches, stomach aches, rashes that don't have explanations acting as caregivers to adults to exclusion of own needs: where adolescence begins early

securely attached adults demonstrate:

interest in partner's comments recognize partner's distress respond emphatically to distress and are more able to give and receive comfort more than insecurely attached adults

consequences of father (un)involvement

it is the quality no the quantity father absence?: lack of co-parent, conflict with mother lower household income --> increased maternal stress child feelings of abandonment cognitive, competence, empathy, sex-stereotyped beliefs, internal locus of control warmth and closeness parental monitoring father-infant attachment

alternative to marriage

just being together not married very uncommon

divorced loyalties

kids are put in the position that if they give sympathy to one parent they are disloyal to the other

adults demonstrate great variability in their reactions to divorce poor adjust to divorce in adults is associated with:

lack of social support network economic hardship not wanting marriage to end identity intensely tied to being married history of psychological problems viewing divorce as a personal failure presence of children's behavioral difficulties continuing conflict with ex-spouse

forgiveness if for yourself and your children

let go of conflict is the best thing to do after divorce

diversity of adult lifestyles

living single: way more popular than it has ever been cohabitation: 90% of couples live together before getting married gay/lesbian unions

John Gottman's Reserach

longitudinal study of couples can predict divorce with over 90% certainty

5-8 years old

preoccupation with feelings of rejection, guilt, and loss: feels the loss of not seeing mom and dad together fear of being replaced: by new BF GF new children; an irrational thought is are you going to go out and look for new kids; are you going to be someone else's mom males have intense longing for father

Gender differences:

males: more likely than females to express lower levels of commitment females: after moving in together females were more likely to experience weight gain and more housework

social support:

maternal gatekeeping: idea that it is her child if they aren't getting along mom doesn't want him in the child's life; keeping father from kid's life; father-child relationships contingent on this; poor co-parenting/marital relationship mother's view of father involvement: some think hey father involvement was okay the way it was; feels this is my domain my sense of efficacy men's social networks provide less encouragement or resources for parenting

living alone adults are primarily women (55%)

men are more likely to remarry after divorce

working class couples:

move in together more rapidly than middle class cited finances as main reason to cohabit more likely to divorce than middle class

role of the father today

multidimensional father (like mothers) idea is that moms are doing a lot more now in terms of work and still being a mother. idea is shifting so that fathers can do all of these things too

important for kids to see conflict resolution

not as profound for the child if in the moment of conflict resolution there needs to be some kind of physical contact between mom and dad; need to touch in front of kids after a fight; seems counter-intuitive to let your kids watch you fight but do it

role of the father during the sexual revolution

nurturing father, women started to have more control because of BC, more control over if they wanted to have a career or not. idea started shifting that dad does not have to be the breadwinner he can be at home with the kids too

five stable factors of personality: OCEAN

openness conscientiousness extroversion agreeableness neuroticism

conscientiousness:

organized or disorganized careful or careless disciplined or impulsive ex: clean room

institutional practices

paternity leave: decisions is not even ultimately up to them; this is a way to be involved or not; institutions aren't giving them the opportunity to be involved; paid/unpaid, how long, repercussions flex time child care availability workplace culture

Gottman didn't use questionnaires because:

people lie; people are unaware of their styles of communicating;

stonewalling:

physically and/or emotionally withdrawing from conflict (i.e. I'm done talking about this) 85% of the time it is the male men get more in an emotional state so they just want to shut down

females:

preoccupied with betrayal jealous, clingy, convinced relationship wasn't going to last that partner is going to leave look like you are obsessed with that person

predictors and barriers to father involvement

psychological factors: motivation, anxiety about being a parent child characteristics social support: relationship with mom, wife is main support system community/cultural influences: change over time institutional practices and public policies: what does dads workplace play into the involvement (things like paternity leave flexible hours)

advantages to living alone:

pursue one's own schedule; make decisions independently; privacy and solitude

how do we study father involvement

quantitative report: survey, time diary - record everything you did, asked mothers to report on fathers qualitative observations and interviewing- Absolute - time spent with child alone vs. relative involvement, how much does he spend time with the whole family or mom compared to the child

for years people and therapists assumed that:

reducing conflict is critical saving marriage; couples must be compatible; but research indicated that these things did not predict divorce

half of all marriages end in divorce

remarriage divorce rates are higher

engagement-separation:

resolving issues of work and family dad might pull back from career/spend time with kids mom might start career again if she was a stay at home mom women struggle a lot more separating family and work

responsibility

resources for the child, can bring home money, can provide shelter, take kid to doctor, having resources available for the child

Divorce: Judith Wallerstein, study began in 1971 initial beliefs: divorce was a belief crisis, divorce rate would drop

sample: 60 families/131 children homogenous group: well educated middle to upper class no prior emotional problems "divorce under the best circumstances" used interviews and questionnaires to measure adjustment after 18 months - most still in crisis adults - still angry, lives not back together children - seemed to be on a downward course toddlers - babies holding up the world got funds another 5 years 90% participation

living alone is on the rise:

sexual freedom technology: work, shop from home, independent longer life span less desire to have kids

gay and lesbian unions:

similar on a day to day basis to heterosexual marriages; more flexible in gender roles; value monogamy; no difference between mental health or developmental outcomes of children raised when compared to heterosexual households; overwhelming majority of children growing up in these unions are heterosexual; gay/lesbian couples are better at communicating than the best heterosexual couples (Gottman's longitudinal research)

extraverson

sociable or retiring fun loving or somber affectionate or reserved opposite would be introverts: the people that come up with really good ideas because they spend time thinking about one problem merit to both society merits extraverts can be comfortable in front of people but not an extravert misunderstood

agreeableness

soft-hearted or ruthless trusting or suspicious helpful or uncooperative tend to be the one to compromise

steps to fair fighting

soften your start up learn to make repair attempts self soothe compromise

the three grand essentials of happiness are:

something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. (alexander chalmers)

readiness

sometimes people get married to whoever they are with because they are ready to get married; can have all of those filters and one of you is not ready to get married and 0ther other is what does that mean for the relationship; if you're both ready to get married then you get married; research that women are ready sooner than men

stability vs.change

stability: adult personality is stable over time; the more parents help their children self regulate the more the child learns to self regulate themselves not letting the child self regulate themselves from the start change: adult personality is a continual process of change and growth

men more likely to

stonewall

personality is responsive to life experiences (change) but that change exists within boundaries

temperamentally you are going to exist within a range with respect to these 5 things. there is a base and a ceiling you are going to exist within that range and life experiences will effect that

complementary

the fit with this person just feels right; this person brings out the best in me; i want to be a better person when i'm with him/her

social background

the idea that our religious beliefs are compatible, political beliefs, our education is similar, and social class is similar

intimate involvement

the idea we have a strong commitment to each other we are in a long term relationship were just not ready to get married

take away

the role of the father has changed over time from being dominant force in the family to positive father involvement

do people change? 20-40 year olds

think about their personality? 52% stayed the same 39% changed a little 9% changed a lot so 91% felt personality was relatively stable age 4 is predictive of 40 years shows you actually feel the same too

insecurely attached avoidant adults tend

to be dismissing and withdraw from conflict and emotional expression in romantic relationships

insecurely attached ambivalent adults tend

to be overly dependent and anxious in romantic relationship

helping children to cope with divorce: (more notes on print out notes)

understanding divorce stability dealing with loss dealing with anger dealing with guilt accepting permanence of divorce taking a chance on love

use empathy

understanding precedes advice validate partner's feelings show genuine interest communicate your understanding

attractiveness

usually level of attractiveness is pretty similar and when it's not it is a little weird

serial cohabiters

view cohabitation as a test and are more likely to divorce than middle class couples "Let's see what it is like"- when this is said more likely to divorce

in the 1990s there was no more doubt as to the importance of father involvement

we figured out that dads can do a lot more than just bring home a pay check

suggestions

work on one problem at a time take responsibility if you see you partner upset try to soothe them don't criticize, complain face problems head on

Dr. Sharon Sassler Cornell University group differences in outcome of cohabitation for three groups:

working class (combined income $38,971) middle class (combined income $67,672) serial cohabitor: comfortable with living with someone else without the commitment or idea of getting married to that person

adolescence

worry about their own relationships because they understand complexity, they have difficulty sorting through issues