How to Win Friends and Influence People

Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

Now then, there are going to be times when we need to correct others or offer some tough love or advice... and as we just learned we should start this process with sincere and honest praise. The problem then occurs when we follow that praise with the dreaded B word... you know the word... but. I'll paraphrase Carnegie a bit with a fun example they used... "I've got to say bro, you're looking ripped, but your legs make it look like you don't even lift." So, what started as really nice praise totally collapsed by using the word "but." The good news is with some minor tweaking these same words can be said without any negative consequence. All we have to do is replace the word but with and tweak the last sentence. In other words, we could say, "I've got to say bro, you're looking ripped, and if you work your legs a bit more your legs people will definitely think you're shredded!"

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Next, if you encounter someone that isn't doing as well as they can... don't berate or belittle them. Instead, find a way to build that person up while encouraging them to do better. "The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability." Put another way, we can change a person's attitude or behavior by giving them a big reputation to lead up to. Here's one of the stories Carnegie shared regarding this principle. When Mrs. Ruth Hopkins, a fourth-grade teacher in Brooklyn, New York, looked at her class roster the first day of school, her excitement and joy of starting a new term was tinged with anxiety. In her class this year she would have Tommy T., the school's most notorious "bad boy." His third-grade teacher had constantly complained about Tommy to colleagues, the principal and anyone else who would listen. He was not just mischievous; he caused serious discipline problems in the class, picked fights with the boys, teased the girls, was fresh to the teacher, and seemed to get worse as he grew older. His only redeeming feature was his ability to learn rapidly and master the-school work easily. Mrs. Hopkins decided to face the "Tommy problem" immediatelyWhen she greeted her new students, she made little comments to each of them: "Rose, that's a pretty dress you are wearing," "Alicia, I hear you draw beautifully." When she came to Tommy, she looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Tommy, I understand you are a natural leader. I'm going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year." She reinforced this over the first few days by complimenting Tommy on everything he did and commenting on how this showed what a good student he was. With that reputation to live up to, even a nine-year-old couldn't let her down - and he didn't.

Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

Next, when someone you work or interact with is struggling with a task or certain aspect of their life let them know you have faith in them and know they can get over that obstacle. And if the issue is something you know they can easily overcome help them understand that with a little work and support from yourself you know they can overcome it. Help them believe in themselves.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

OK, Carnegie touched on the principle of this chapter earlier in the book... namely if we find ourselves needing to correct someone we may wish to begin by letting that person know we're far from perfect. In fact, we could go as far as to share some specific faults of our own before we correct the other person.

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

And the first point Carnegie makes is to avoid arguments like you would rattlesnakes or earthquakes. You see, most of the time, arguments simply make someone feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or hurt their pride and make them feel inferior to you. And, even if you technically win an argument... you've really lost since the other person likely wants to punch you in the nose. So, even though it's much easier said than done... we should always attempt to control our temper and remember:

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

As we learned about earlier in the book we should do our best to offer specific praise to the people we deal with. To be sure, words of praise can change someone's life. Can you think of a moment where someone's praise encouraged you and led you to becoming more successful? Carnegie shared the story of how Enrico Caruso, one of the greatest and most successful opera singers, was once told by a teacher when he was 10 years old that he couldn't sing. His mother's praise was what helped motivate him to continue trying anyway. So, again, be specific with your praise and be sincere about it.

give honest and sincere appreciation.

Carnegie explains that there's really only one way to make someone do something with a happy heart... you must make that person want to do it. He then goes on to explain that the best way to make someone want to do something is to appreciate that person.To support the point he then quotes Charles Schwab who once said, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as the criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." Now, Carnegie is then quick to explain that this praise must be authentic and from the heart. If it's not, this so-called secret will do nothing but harm. Another tip I especially liked was how Carnegie encourages us to offer specific praise. In other words, instead of saying something like, "Great job with that 5S event." A better, more specific, statement would be, "I really liked how you and your team organized the work benches and tool boxes... not only did you reduce the waste of motion you also managed to totally engage the front line associates. Very well done."

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Finally, the last chapter of the book definitely seemed to highlight many of the principles covered throughout. Here's a summary of the key topics discussed. Always do you best to make the other person happy about doing what you've suggested. You should also be sincere in all you do and say while never promising anything you can't deliver. You should also show empathy while asking yourself what the other person really wants. Along these lines you should also consider the benefits the person will receive from doing what you suggest while matching those benefits to the person's wants.

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

I think it's safe to say many people trying to win others to their way of thinking do far too much talking themselves which is less than optimal to say the least. As such, Dale Carnegie recommends letting the other person do most of the talking... especially if the other person is upset or not seeing things the way you are. And even if you disagree with them, don't interrupt them... let them finish otherwise they'll still have a stream of ideas running through their heads. A wise person once told me that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason... namely we need to listen twice as much as we talk!

begin in a friendly way

In other words, let's say you're dealing with an extremely difficult colleague who does something to really upset you... the way we handle the situation will go a long way in determining how much influence we'll have. Here's how Carnegie states it, "If your temper is aroused and you go off on someone and tell them a thing or two, you might feel good afterwards, but how does that person feel? Do they want to agree with your points after you embarrassed them and attacked their pride?" In other words, we should always do our best to be friendly and kind... even when someone wrongs or upsets us. Later in the chapter Carnegie shares another story of how O.L. Straub an engineer, needed to get his rent lowered or he wouldn't be able to afford it. Instead of going in and trying to argue prices immediately or explain how ridiculously high the rent was, Straub calmly told the landlord how much he liked the apartments and how great of a job they had done running the place. He then said he wanted to stay for another year but he simply couldn't afford it. The landlord, as notoriously difficult to deal with as he was, actually went out of his way after to help O.L. achieve a lower and more affordable rent.

talk in terms of the other person's interests

Next, Carnegie encourages us to find out what people are interested in and direct your conversation towards that topic. Now, to some, this may sound obvious... but a key aspect to building rapport with people is to find ways to connect with them. I find this principle particularly useful in the continuous improvement world when it comes to conversing with people who prefer one particular methodology over another. In other words, if I know someone loves the statistically based side of six sigma it won't make much sense for me to start rambling on about my love for Quick Changeover events.

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

Next, I think it's safe to say no one likes to receive orders from another person. I know I don't like it... as such; offering suggestions instead of giving orders saves a person's pride and gives him a sense of importance. It also encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. So the next time you need someone to do something phrase your request as a question instead of a direct order.

Let the other person save face

Next, in the unfortunate situation extremely bad news, or some other uncomfortable information must be given; we should do everything in our power to help that person save face. Here's one of the stories Carnegie shared in order to make his point. Anna Mazzone, a marketing specialist for a food packer, was given her first major assignment - the test marketing of a new product. She told the class: "When the results of the test came in, I was devastated. I had made a serious error in my planning, and the entire test had to be done all over again. To make this worse, I had no time to discuss it with my boss before the meeting in which I was to make my report on the project. "When I was called on to give the report, I was shaking with fright. I had all I could do to keep from breaking down, but I resolved I would not cry and have all those men make remarks about women not being able to handle a management job because they are too emotional. I made my report briefly and stated that due to an error I would repeat the study before the next meeting. I sat down, expecting my boss to blow up. "Instead, he thanked me for my work and remarked that it was not unusual for a person to make an error on a new project and that he had confidence that the repeat survey would be accurate and meaningful to the company. He assured me, in front of all my colleagues, that he had faith in me and I knew I had done my best, and that my lack of experience, not my lack of ability, was the reason for the failure. I left that meeting with my head in the air and with the determination that I would never let that boss of mine down again." Carnegie also shares a powerful quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery who once said "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."

Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "you're wrong."

Now then, in addition to avoiding arguments... telling someone they're wrong is a direct blow at their intelligence, pride, and self-respect. Furthermore, it doesn't make them want to agree with you... instead it puts them on the defensive and really drives a wedge between you and them. So, Carnegie's advice is as follows. If someone makes a statement you KNOW is wrong, try saying something like "Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts."In other words, using the phrase "I may be wrong. Let's examine the facts" or something like it can do wonders.

If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Now, I think it's safe to say that the principle focused on in this chapter may just be the toughest of all... and this principle is quite simple. When you're wrong admit it. Don't try to dance around it or attempt to sugar coat it. Just admit your mistake, show contrition, say you're sorry, and do your best to never do it again. When I heard these comments from Carnegie I couldn't help but remember the contrition the President of Toyota had in 2009 when they announced they expected to lose $8.6 billion during the fiscal year. In fact, here's what President Watanabe said, "Of course the external environment doesn't help, but we were lacking in the scope and speed of dealing with various problems and issues, and for that I am sorry."

Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

Now, I'm not certain of the reasons but as the book progresses I did find many of the principles and concepts Carnegie shared did begin to overlap and become somewhat repetitious. Personally, I actually liked this since it really drove home the key things we should be doing when we interact with people With this said, the main point of this chapter was to remind us to never condemn someone for being wrong... instead we should do our very best to understand why this person is saying what they are or believing what they do

Dramatize your ideas

OK, the advice in this chapter is extremely important for us lean and six sigma practitioners... and the advice is simple. We must dramatize our ideas and successes. Put another way, the truth has to be vivid, interesting, dramatic... you have to use showmanship. Here's a simple example. Let's say you and your colleagues are attempting to convince your leadership to get far more engaged with continuous improvement. Let's also say you've recently completed an incredible green belt project that ended up saving a tremendous amount wasted motion for material handlers in your warehouse. One way of sharing this good news could be to state the facts using some boring bullet points on a PPT slide which, honestly, would probably do nothing for your cause. Conversely, another - more dramatic - approach could be to determine how many miles of walking were reduced as a result of the project... you could then create a Google map explaining how you reduced the amount of walking required, over the course of year, by around 150,000 feet or 28 miles. You could then note how far a distance this is with 28 miles marked out on a Google map. I think it's safe to say the second approach, which is obviously more dramatic, would get your leadership far more excited about your continuous improvement efforts.

: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

OK, the last part of the book focuses on specific tips and advice for leading people. And this first chapter talks about the importance of offering praise and appreciation before correcting someone's mistake. Carnegie uses several analogies to make his point. First, he talks about how a barber always lathers a man before he shaves him and that a dentist gives Novocain to dull the pain of drilling

Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

OK, this chapter focuses on something near and dear to my heart... namely that what most people really want, and in many cases need, is to be listened to and understood for who they are. Furthermore, Carnegie estimates that three-fourths of the people we meet want, or need, sympathy. In fact, he goes on to say that one phrase that eliminates ill will, creates good will, and gets people listening to you better is simply: "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do." And, as it turns out, you can say this phrase with 100% sincerity because if you truly WERE that person, with their mindset and feelings and background, you really WOULD feel that way. Of course, if you were YOU in THEIR body, you may obviously think differently. Carnegie also stresses that we normally have no idea of why the other person behaves as they do... and that we should be mindful to not judge or condemn anyone. With this said, I do think it's important to realize that this advice doesn't mean we have to agree with, or condone, the choices and behavior of others... but judging and/or condemning them will help no one.

Appeal to the nobler motives

OK, this was one of the most interesting chapters for me. Towards the beginning of the chapter Carnegie wrote that according to J. Pierpont Morgan, most people have two reasons for doing anything: one that sounds good, and then their real reason. And even though you may know the real reason, you don't need to emphasize that. Instead, Carnegie writes, that we should try appealing to a nobler cause (something that sounds good to your opponent/customer/boss/etc.). Show them good motives behind agreeing to what you're trying to convince them of. He then shared several stories of how this principle works including the time when the late Lord Northcliffe found a newspaper using a picture of him that he didn't want published. Once he saw this he wrote the editor. But did he say, "Please don't publish that picture of me; I don't like it"? No, instead, he appealed to a nobler motive. In fact, he appealed to the respect and love that most of us have for motherhood. He wrote, "Please don't publish that picture of me any more. My mother doesn't like it." And while this technique won't work 100% of the time Carnegie encourages us to give it a try instead of yelling at or getting upset with others when they've wronged us or don't agree with us.

be a good listeners while encouraging others to talk about themselves.

One of the most important skills anyone can have is the ability to listen. It really doesn't matter if you're a parent listening to your child or a team leader listening to an employee. If you want to be a good conversationalist, and have people enjoy being around you, you have to be an attentive listener. Carnegie explains that to be interesting, you must be interested. Now, some practical tips for accomplishing this are to ask questions that people will enjoy answering. You should also encourage people to talk about themselves and their accomplishment Lastly, when someone talks to you look at them... this may sound odd but if you're more interested in looking at your smart phone while "talking" to someone chances are you're not being a good conversationalist!

Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Be genuinely interested in other people • Principle 2: Smile • Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. • Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. • Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests. • Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation. • Principle 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. • Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. • Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. • Principle 5: Let the other person save face. • Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise." • Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. • Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. • Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation. Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. • Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." • Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. • Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way. • Principle 5: Get the other person saying, "yes, yes" immediately. • Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. • Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. • Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. • Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. • Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives. • Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas. • Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

don't criticize, condemn, or complain.

Put another way, criticizing or condemning people is absolutely useless since all it does is put the other person on the defensive. Carnegie explains how Abraham Lincoln actually struggled with this concept early in his life but eventually learned to never criticize anyone. Additionally, this chapter talks about how non-value added condemning others, or complaining about others, is. Carnegies urges us all to do our best to never condemn, instead we should attempt to understand why people are as they are. As many CI practitioners know... we often face resistance as we attempt to make improvements and it's very easy to complain, condemn, and even criticize those meeting us with resistance, which, again, rarely adds value.

become genuinely interested in other people.

So, some practical advice offered in this chapter is to always greet people with animation and enthusiasm. You should also say hello to people in a way that shows you're actually interested and excited to talk with them. I think this advice is especially important for anyone teaching or training others. If you don't genuinely care for and respect your students, or audience, chances are good they won't care to learn much from you.

Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

The key here is to always make the other person feel important and valued. In other words, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." Put another way, if we want to be appreciated, and feel important, we should make others feel appreciated and important first. So, the next time you're feeling unappreciated, or unimportant, it may be wise to reflect on how many people you've recently built up with praise and appreciation.

"Let the other person come up with, and implement, his or her ideas!"

The reason I believe well run kaizen events are so powerful is because team members are asked, and even challenged at times, to come up with ideas or countermeasures to the problems they're facing. Along these lines, I've personally seen grown adults come to tears at the end of a successful kaizen event... in fact, I'll never forget, for the rest of my life, the comments one man made at the end of an exhausting but wildly successful event... he said, with tears welling in his eyes, that no one had ever listened to his ideas like our team listened that week. And, and to be honest, this man wasn't exactly thrilled to be part of the event at the beginning of the week... in fact he sat in the back of the room on the first day with his arms crossed... but as the week progressed and his ideas eventually began to flow, and be implemented, his resistance completed faded away and this man was literally transformed into a well oiled kaizen event machine. So, in summary, Carnegie states: Principle 7 as let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. And, while I'm not thrilled with the idea of correcting Mr. Carnegie I do think this principle would have been better stated as "Let the other person come up with, and implement, his or her ideas!

arouse in the other person an eager want.

This chapter encourages us to think about things from other people's perspective. In other words, we need to put the other person's wants before our own. To help make the point, Carnegie quotes Henry Ford who once said, "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get to the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." Again, when we continuous improvement practitioners attempt to force change onto people we almost always fail... but if we can take the time to see the problem from the other person's perspective and then help that same person understand how the improvement will actually benefit them... we have a much better chance of success

Throw down a challenge

This chapter focused on different ways to motivate people which is a topic I really enjoy studying. In fact, a book I highly suggest everyone read is called "Drive" by Daniel Pink. In this book Pink shares what makes people tick and what makes certain people perform better. In any event, Carnegie shares that, if nothing seems to be working for you... you might want to try good old-fashioned competition. Here's a snippet from this chapter that paints an excellent picture of how this could work. Charles Schwab had a mill manager whose people weren't producing their quota of work. "How is it," Schwab asked him, "that a manager as capable as you can't make this mill turn out what it should?" "I don't know," the manager replied. "I've coaxed the men, I've pushed them, I've sworn and cussed, I've threatened them with damnation and being fired. But nothing works. They just won't produce." This conversation took place at the end of the day, just before the night shift came on. Schwab asked the manager for a piece of chalk, then, turning to the nearest man, asked: "How many heats did your shift make today?" "Six." Without another word, Schwab chalked a big figure six on the floor, and walked away. When the night shift came in, they saw the "6" and asked what it meant."The big boss was in here today," the day people said. "He asked us how many heats we made, and we told him six. He chalked it down on the floor." The next morning Schwab walked through the mill again. The night shift had rubbed out "6" and replaced it with a big "7." When the day shift reported for work the next morning, they saw a big "7" chalked on the floor. So the nightshift thought they were better than the day shift did they? Well, they would show the nightshift a thing or two. The crew pitched in with enthusiasm, and when they quit that night, they left behind them an enormous, swaggering "10." Things were stepping up. Shortly this mill, which had been lagging way behind in production, was turning out more work than any other mill in the plant. The principle? Let Charles Schwab say it in his own words: "The way to get things done," say Schwab, "is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel."

smile.

This chapter was actually an "aha" moment for me. Simply put, actions speak louder than words and one of the most powerful actions any of can make is to smile. Yep, smile. Carnegie explains that a smile says, "I like you. You make me happy. I'm glad to see you." And just like all of the advice in this book, Carnegie encourages us to do our very best to really smile... and not just make an insincere grin. With this said, even if you don't feel like smiling, you should force yourself to smile. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to actually make you happy... or at least make you happier. In fact, Psychologist William James once said that, "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together.... thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness... is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness was already there..." Another interesting point is how important it is to smile when you're talking to people on the phone... at Gemba Academy we talk to lots of folks on the phone and I know, for sure, we're all better at when we're smiling!

Get the other person saying "Yes, Yes" immediately.

When attempting to invoke change of any kind one of the best methods you can use is to find ways to agree with people who may have opposing or different views. In other words, when talking with people, don't start by discussing where you differ. Instead, talk about, and keep focusing on, the things you have in common. This is very relevant when discussing opportunities for improvement with someone you may not have immediate agreement or support from. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you're both striving to make things better and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Another technique is do your best to get the other person saying, "yes, yes" instead of "no." This is really important since once a person is in the "no" state, they'll try to remain consistent with that statement in order to keep up their pride

Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

You see, Carnegie explained that people REALLY value their name or whatever nickname it is that they go by. So, if you reconnect with someone you've met before and don't remember their name you're not starting things off well. Carnegie explains how many politicians are incredible at remembering names... some go as far as to jot people's names down in books after they meet them so they have a better chance of recalling that person's name at a later time. I also know of people who do their best to work the name of the person they're talking to into their conversation. For example, if I'm talking to my friend Jeremy I might start the conversation as "Hey, Jeremy... how's it going?" instead of, "Hey, how's it going?" So, do your best to remember people's names... write them down if needed and then try to call people by their name at least 2 times the next time you have a conversation with them.