MOON OVER BUFFALO (Howard)

Charlotte: My mother should have said something. The older lady who was standing here. I'm afraid she's just a teensy bit hard of hearing/

"Grandma"

Roz: Good-

"Sergeant Yukon", "Apache Women-" Oh my god! I forgot the bag!

George: I know that! And I am so sorry!

"Sorry?"

Roz: You'll be fine! I promise! All right?

...All right.

George: If thou dost move one inch, the lad shall spout like a fountain.

...Don't move.

Charlotte: Now before you say another word, I just want to tell you what a huge fan I am of your work,

...Gee, thanks.

Paul: Who the hell do you think you are?

...General Patton?

George: i Know not, but 'tis passing strange.

...Hi

Charlotte: Right.

...Hi. I'm back.

Charlotte: And let me say again what an absolute thrill it is to have you here. We're extremely honored.

...I have to say, you people are much friendlier than I expected.

Roz: Howard, does this look glamorous?

...Well yeah. It does.

Charlotte: "It Happened One Night!"

...Well, actually it happens every night at six and eleven.

Charlotte: I am so sorry. I could just beat myself with a stick! Please, come in.

...You're sure? I could wait outside. It's a nice day, which is pretty much what I predicted.

George: Gotcha!

AHHH!

Ehtel: What's exciting?

About Frank Capra.

Roz: More than one play. In repertory. They alternate. Right now it's Private Lives by Noel Coward, and Cyran de Bergerac. Only they've cut down Cyrano for a small company.

Aha. The sort of... one-nostril version.

Charlotte: I wouldn't ask him that. Apparently it's a trick question.

Are you famous, too?

Roz: Hi, honey. Come on in.

Are your parents here?

George: Ha!

Argh!

Charlotte: Bravo! Brav-o!!

Bravo!

Richard: Who's your favorite? Besides Charlotte, of course?

Esther Williams. Do you know her?

Ethel: What?

FRANK CAPRA!

George: No, please! I beg of you! Please! Don't do it!

Gee, I-I just wanted to let you have it.

Charlotte: Bother us? You could never bother us!

Gee, that-that's-

Charlotte: "It's a Wonderful Life." Wow.

Gee, you have such a good attitude.

Roz: That is so sweet! Which one did you get?

General George S. Patton! Wait'll you see it! The trouble is, I don't have anything for your mother yet. I guess she wouldn't take cash...?

George: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

George Hay...?

Charlotte: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

HELP!!! POLICE!!! CALL THE POLICE!!

George: No! Don't answer it!

Hahaaa! Gotcha!

Roz: Who did this to you?

He did it! Him!

Charlotte: He's been working on this concept for months. Henry the Fifth, the-the-the... Pickled Prince.

He's very convincing. That's very good!

Ethel: ... "Schedule of Performances... Matinee - Cyrano?" I though it was Private Lives. Good thing I saw this. They'd think I was round the bend.

Hello? ...Hello?... ...Hi.

George: Yes

Hey! Look at this baby! Blam blam blam blam!!

Charlotte: ...Why not?! Granny it is! So. Perhaps we should start over. I'm Charlotte Hay

Hi-

Charlotte: I'm coming! Yes?

Hi.

Charlotte: ...Please, come in. I'm Charlotte Hay.

Hi. I'm... I'm uh... I'm uh... Oh my god!

Charlotte: Hello, again.

Hi. I-I-I'm sorry to bother you-

Charlotte: So. What can we do for you?

Hm? Oh. Well, I-I-I have a present for Mr. Hay.

George: Drop the gun, you maniac!

I didn't mean it!

Roz: What bag?

I have a surprise for your father. When I was in New York last week, I read in the paper about an auction. They were selling off props and stuff from one of the big studios and... well, I bought one of your father's old costumers. I thought he'd like it.

Roz: Howard?

I have to go now.

Roz: Howard, what's wrong?

I have to think about this! You don't just-just-just rush into a relationship! I takes some thinking!

Charlotte: Look, I'm sorry, but we're busy now. We have a show in twenty minutes.

I know. I bought a program.

Roz: Oh.

I like Scranton, too.

Roz: Howard, I'm very proud of you. It's a wonderful job. We can settle down and have children...

I love children. I want to have six, at least.

Roz: Where are you going?

I need a few minutes. I'll be back.

Charlotte: A drink drink?

I never drink.

Roz: This is Buffalo, New York. It's like... Scranton without the charm.

I was born here, actually.

Ehtel: Young man, I cannot hear a word you're saying.

I'M A FRIEND OF ROZ!

Roz: You have nothing to worry about

I'd be all right if they weren't such ... big stars. The glamorous life...

Roz: You stay here, in case they show up

I'd rather go with you-

Roz: I'll see if they're in their dressing rooms.

I'll go with you.

Charlotte: "You Can't Take It With You"

I'm not! I-I-I-

Roz: Howard-

I'm ready, I can meet your parents.

George: You idiot!

I'm sorry!

Charlotte: ...Oh, all right! "Best wishes, Charlotte Hay." How's that?

I-I-I don't think you understand-

Charlotte: What do you want?

I-I-I just want to tell you before you say anything else, that I think you're the most wonderful actress that ever lived!

Roz: They're not in their dressing rooms.

I-I-I-I-

Charlotte: Oh, dear, just look at the time. Now don't forget, you come right back here after the show.

If I can wait that long.

Charlotte: I'm sure the pressure must be intense these days.

It's pretty bad. But there's a cold front moving up from Atlanta, so that should give us some relief.

Charlotte: Hm?

Maybe I should call her "Grandma". Heh heh. Or "Granny".

Charlotte: ...Really? Well. Can I get you some coffee?

Mmmmmmno. No thanks.

Charlotte: Oh no no no no! Oh, God. You must think I'm completly mad.

Mmmno.

Roz: It's sort of sweet that you're nervous about meeting them.

Nervous? Look at me I'm a wreck. Do your parents know that I'm in show business, too?

Charlotte: I was just saying to my husband- who was here not a minute ago, I was just remarking how much I love your work. I could watch it all day.

No kidding. Hey! Wait wait wait! Stand here. Watch this. "The barometer is falling rapidly, and we might just see some flurries by this afternoon. So-o-o stay warm, wear those woolies, and God bless."

George: Yes. No! I look a little like him...

Oh, come on. You are so. Well? What do you think? Do I look tough?

Roz: I don't think so

Oh, good.

Ehtel: Ah! You startled me!

Oh, sorry. I'm a friend of Roz. You must be Roz's grandmother. She talks a lot about you.

Roz: Howard, you're not exactly in show business. I mean, they wouldn't think of it as show business.

Oh. I am on television.

Charlotte: I'm awfully sorry, but do you think you could possibly come back another time?

Oh. Sure...

Roz: Let's start with one.

Okay

Charlotte: Try. Just... try.

Okay. Uh, good luck... "Mom"

Roz: You're a weatherman

Right I mean, it's kind of acting, like your parents.

Roz: Howard, the point is, it's not Broadway. And they're doing rep!

Right... what's "rep" again?

Ethel: Through there.

Roz, I've been looking all over for you!

George: Absolutely

Roz... I can't go through with it

Roz: I am not!

Roz...?

Ethel: Well, how nice to meet you.

SHE LEFT ME A NOTE AT THE HOTEL! ITS VERY EXCITING ISN'T IT?

Charlotte: Shhh! Please. He's concentrating.

Sorry.

George: ... I will hunt you down like a dog and pull your heart out through your mouth!!!

Stop! Stay back! I know how to use this! I saw the movie!

Charlotte: Oh my God, just look at the time. We really must get you to your seat. But we will see you after the performance. Do you promise?

Sure.

Roz: Come in!

Sweetheart?

Charlotte: And you're such a young man to have accomplished so much. I had no idea.

Thanks. A lot of people think it's easy. Like there's nothing to it.

George: Young man, I owe you a profound apology.

That's okay, I just-

Charlotte: Oh, come now....

They do! They think it's all just a matter of barometric pressure.

Charlotte: Oh, God. This is a nightmare! Who is it?!

Uh, hi. It's me!

Charlotte: It was stunning meeting you. Whoever you are.

Wait! I remember! It's How-

Roz: Now listen to me. I want you to be very, very nice to them. Tell them how much you admire their work.

Well I do! I mean, my God, when I was a kid, they were on the cover of Life magazine. "Shakespeare on Broadway-"

Roz: Howard...

Well I'm sorry. You know how I feel about this "meeting the in-laws". It makes me nervous.

Roz: Howard, darling, how are you feeling?

Well, I'm-I'm better, I think, but-

Paul: Yeah!

Well, I-I-I think she's a very... desirable young woman.

Roz: Howard. They will love you for who you are.

What if I freeze up?! I-I-I do that sometimes, when I'm nervous! I can't even remember my own... name.

George: I realize that she is young and innocent, and of course you love her greatly...

Who? ... Roz?

Paul: It was a mistake! Did I say I was sorry?

Would you all just be quiet!! I'd like to say something...

Richard: I taught her to swim.

Wow!

Charlotte: Mr. Maynard is our lawyer and represents every major star in Hollywood.

Wow.

Roz: "Look out Barrymores, Here Come the Hays." They had it reproduced on their china

Wow.

Roz: Then they had two big flops in a row and went to Hollwywood

Yeah, I know. I saw every movie they ever made.

Roz: Howard, they do Shakespeare. And Chekov. You do precipitation...

Yeah, I know...

Charlotte: ...You bought him a suit?

Yeah. No! It's one of his old costumes. General George S. Patton. It came with the helmet and the the gun and everything. Hey! I could try it on and surprise him!