Stress Management and Prevention part 2

The use of musts or shoulds implies a degree of rigidity, as well as what Beck calls dichotomous thinking

"Either I go to my parents' house like I should, and hate myself for it afterwards, or I don't go and then feel terribly guilty." A more measured assessment of this situation might recast it in such a way that whichever choice you make, you feel good rather than bad about it.

What's wrong with the statements "

"He made me so angry" or "The weather really bothers me"?

Instead of saying to yourself about the difficult reading assignment

"It's not fair that I'm expected to learn so much stuff in such a concentrated period of time," you could say instead, "I wish I had more time, and less material, but if these are the cards that I'm dealt, then I better try to make the best of them. Complaining and whining probably isn't going to get the job done."

l What's wrong with the statements:

"It's not fair," "It's all my fault," and "This is terrible"?

As originally intended, this future-oriented thinking helps us to prepare for possible threats that may be waiting around the corner:

"Let's see, tomorrow when I go to the play I'm going to be parking in a bad neighborhood. Maybe I'll use the valet service at a nearby restaurant instead so I'd better make a reservation." Yet people who are overstressed have taken worst-case scenarios to their extreme. There are bestselling books on the subject that feed the public's anxiety about all the things that can go wrong. They give advice about where to sit on a plane in case the engines fail or fall off, how to jump off a moving train, or how to survive a herd of stampeding elephants. These sorts of worries are not rational by any means, especially if you consider the actual odds of being injured. According to Glassner's (1999) book The Culture of Fear, things we worry about such as shark attacks (one in a billion chance of occurring) being struck by lightning (one in four million), or being attacked by terrorists (several hundred victims each year), are actually quite rare. Our thinking in these matters is so irrational that we neglect far more legitimate threats like the danger of car or boating accidents, skin cancer, or electrical sockets. We mention these not to plant additional fears but just to remind you about all the needless worrying that takes place over things that not only will probably never happen, but over which you have absolutely no control.

• Ask yourself,

"Where is the evidence?"

Avoid the use of

"shoulds" and "musts."

People who are serious about adopting cognitive restructuring methods in their lives are precise about how they express themselves. Compare these two sets of expressions.

-Externalized Language "He made me so angry." "It's not my fault. I can't help it." "The test made me so nervous." "That guy really gets underneath my skin." "The weather affects me like this." -Internalized Language "I made myself angry over what he did." "I chose to behave in this way." "I made myself nervous over the test." "I allow that guy to get underneath my skin." "I let the weather affect me like this."

You can't change the way you think and feel unless you are aware of the cognitive activity going on inside you. One way to train yourself to monitor your irrational thinking more carefully is to keep a thought journal in which you note particular instances when you are experiencing undue stress and then identify the accompanying thoughts that are going on.

1. Divide your notebook into three columns, labeling each one as follows.-Situation, Feelings Accompanying, Thoughts. 2. As soon as possible after you experience some distressing event, make the following notations in your thought journal. Start by noting either the situation that you find upsetting (A—the antecedent event) or the disturbing feelings you are experiencing (C—the emotional consequences). 3. Describe briefly what happened. Where were you? Who were you with? When did this happen? What happened exactly? 4. Label all the feelings that you were experiencing. Don't stop with just one or two. Often there are many different emotions going on within you. Try to generate at least a half dozen. 5. Go to the third column and fill in the thoughts that most likely preceded the feelings. These are the irrational beliefs that represent your interpretation of the situation and that led to the negative feelings (see example in Table 6.2).

disputing the irrational beliefs

1. Emotional stress responses are a matter of choice rather than circumstances. You choose, consciously or unconsciously, to react in a particular way based on your beliefs about what happened and your interpretations of the meaning. 2. Other people or events do not disturb you; you do that to yourself based on the way you think and the way you talk to yourself about what happened. 3. You can change how you feel based on how you choose to think. This is not easy—it requires consistent use of the "three Ps": persistence, patience, and practice.

Understandably, this person could feel depressed, anxious, lonely, angry, or despondent, given the way she is interpreting what happened. Examining her internal dialogue, full of toxic thinking, what are the aspects that stand out as being most unreasonable and irrational?

1. I can't believe I never saw this coming. She is telling herself that she should have been able to predict what happened, without considering that maybe her partner was doing a good job of hiding intentions. 2. Now I am so alone. This is not true. She has other friends and family members who care deeply about her. 3. I'll probably never find anyone to be with me again. There is no basis for this assumption whatsoever. Where is the evidence that because this one relationship ended, all options for romance in the future are over? 4. It's all my fault that this happened. It is never solely any one person's fault when there is a misunderstanding or conflict in a relationship

One method for ceasing disturbing ideas is called thought-stopping.It is a device employed for people stuck in obsessive thinking patterns, or who can't seem to stop themselves from reviewing painful, stressful memories

1. Place a thick rubber band around your wrist. 2. Wait for the disturbing or distracting thought or image to come to mind. 3. Reach over with the other hand and pull the rubber band to its stretched limit. 4. Let the rubber band go. 5. Notice that you are no longer thinking about the disturbing image.

There are three major questions to ask yourself when disputing your irrational beliefs, as follows.

1. Where is the evidence that what you are experiencing is true? We don't mean to invalidate the legitimacy of whatever you are thinking and feeling—you are perfectly entitled to any beliefs you want. But assuming that you don't like the way you are feeling, and want to do something about it, then it is time to consider things more objectively. Ask yourself what a camera would record about this scene. Are things indeed as dire and disastrous as you think they are? Is this really the worst thing that ever happened to you? Is it true that you can't stand what is happening, that you will die as a result? 2. Who says that things must be the way you think they are? YOU do. You are the one who is demanding that things be a particular way. Examine your "shoulds" and "musts" that signify your rigidity, imposing your standards and values on the rest of the world. Look at your tendency toward perfectionism, holding expectations for yourself and others. 3. Does your response seem logical and reasonable, given the situation? Return to the task of watching yourself. How are you exaggerating things? How are you making invalid assumptions? How are you overgeneralizing based on limited cases? How are you overpersonalizing?

Ellis identified five major irrational themes. Most of these are represented in our case illustration.

1. absoulute demands 2. Awfulizing, 3. low frustration tolerance t 4. Musterbation 5.absolute judgments.

Perhaps what immediately comes to mind is that worry and stress over the future give you some illusion of control:

: by thinking obsessively about what might happen, you prepare yourself in some ways for dealing with frightening situations. To some extent, this really is useful in that you can think about problems and plan how you might deal with them. Sometimes, however, the worrying becomes excessive and counterproductive in that it goes far beyond mere problem-solving

low frustration tolerance

A corollary of "This is awful" is "I can't stand it." It is bad enough that things didn't work out as you had hoped; even worse is to tell yourself that things are now intolerable because of this disappointment. What makes this belief so irrational is that, indeed, you can stand anything short of death. Notice those times when you are feeling most upset and out of control. It is likely there is some cognitive activity occurring in which you are telling yourself that what is going on is beyond what you can handle. You would be amazed at what you can deal with if you are called upon to do so and if you have little choice in the matter. Think about those times when you had to go to the bathroom really, really badly. You could hardly stand it. You thought to yourself that if you could not find a facility in one more minute you would explode, or perhaps embarrass yourself in public. Yet when is the last time that you couldn't make it to the bathroom and wet your pants? This might sound silly but it is an example of how you can go as far as you need to in order to get the job done. You see a toilet ahead and think to yourself, "Okay, this is it. I can't go one more step." Then you try the door and discover that the facility is out of service. Somehow you manage to run to the next available option. So it is with most situations in life—you can tolerate far more than you ever imagined you could

reframing

A significant part of cognitive restructuring takes the form of recasting your situation or your problems in a different way, preferably one that is more self-enhancing. Stress-free living is not so much about what you do, or even how you do it, as it is about the ways you look at the world—your attitudes, beliefs, and interpretations. What can seem like an obstacle or annoyance to one person can be a challenge to someone else. It is all in the lens you choose to view the world through.

Ceasing Disturbing Thoughts

All the methods we have presented so far involve active strategies in which you carefully monitor your thoughts, challenge your thinking, and work hard to construct alternative perceptions of your experience. Sometimes, however, the source of stress arises from too much thinking—you can't seem to shut your mind off. You obsess constantly about what is happening, or what could happen in the future. You ruminate about things that could go wrong. You struggle to find some meaning in life. You give yourself a headache, not to mention many sleepless nights and worry about things outside of your control. Or, in your most diligent efforts to master cognitive therapy methods, you constantly assess what you are thinking and how you are speaking. What started out as valuable skill can be taken too far

Awfulizing,

Awfulizing, or catastrophizing, describes a set of irrational beliefs represented by gross exaggerations of reality in which you think as if you have suffered the worst tragedy imaginable. Whenever you are subjected to an inconvenience, or an obstacle, if you are telling yourself that this situation is "awful," "terrible," or a "catastrophe," then you are going to react in proportion to this assessment. If, on the other hand, you treat the situation as a minor annoyance, a small disappointment, a temporary setback, you will feel much less stress and react emotionally in a much more appropriate way

b- irrational beliefs

Between A and C is another letter—B, the belief that someone holds about what happened. The most significant contribution that Albert Ellis and other cognitive theorists made to the understanding of emotional disturbance was to recognize the kinds of interpretations and perceptions that take place inside someone's head. Their radical idea is simple and yet compelling, supported by decades of empirical research. Except for the fight-or-flight stress response that bypasses conscious thought altogether, emotional reactions almost always result from your beliefs about what happened to you rather than the events themselves. In summary, negative and positive feelings are not caused by what others say or do, nor by events you are subjected to; rather they are the result of your interpretations and individual perceptions of those circumstances.

If we told you that we had the means to teach you a way to ensure you would never have to feel upset about anything again, as long as you live, unless you want to, how much would you pay for such an antidote?

Certainly you would be willing to fork over far more than the cost of this book. People pay tens of thousands of dollars for therapy, for drugs, and for quick-fix cures for their suffering, many of which don't seem to work for very long. But what if within a few dozen pages you could learn relatively simple strategies that could empower you to choose how you want to respond to almost any situation you might face?

absolute judgments.

Ellis called this the "tyranny of the I'ms," meaning the use of absolute self-descriptors that define who you are based on a limited sample of your behavior. The following are examples of absolute judgments. • "I'm the type of person who doesn't do that sort of thing." • "I'm not good in math." • "I'm Italian. That's why I have a bad temper." • "I'm shy. I've always been that way." • "I'm incompetent because I didn't handle that situation wel

It is one thing to be "concerned" about circumstances in which you might make intelligent plans.

For instance, if you are concerned about traffic, then you might leave earlier than planned, or check current congestion patterns on the web. If you are concerned about catching the flu, you can get a flu shot to protect yourself. If you are concerned about doing poorly on an exam, then you will study more, get a tutor, or consult with the instructor.

What makes statements like this irrational?

For one thing, calling something awful or terrible implies that it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen. After all, what is another term to describe something worse than "terrible"? Double terrible? Awfully terrible? Terribly awful?

No matter what happens to you, there is always something that could make it worse.

If you are feeling stressed because you weren't promoted at work, and you think that is terrible, what would you say if you were fired from your job altogether? And if you were fired from your job, and you think that is an absolute disaster, then what would you call it if you not only lost your job but also all your savings? And if that should happen, then how would you label all that happening, plus being informed that you have a terminal disease? We are not implying that you should minimize life's difficulties, or deny their impact. There are indeed some situations that are extremely trying, if not terrible—rape, poverty, terminal disease, physical assault, and the loss of a loved one, to mention a few. But most of the things that you get stressed about in life are not nearly as serious or disruptive to your life as you think. And you would be surprised how little even supposedly catastrophic events affect many people's lives in the long term. In studies with people who suffer spinal cord injuries and become paralyzed as a result of an injury, most of them report feeling mostly positive about their situations within two months of the event. Eight out of ten consider their lives to be as good as, or better than, those of most other people

Some research on the subject of "not thinking too much" supports the idea that sometimes it may be better to deny or bury your worries.

In one study of patients who experienced severe heart attacks, Karni Ginzburg and colleagues (2003) interviewed them about their coping styles after this traumatic health event. It seems that those patients who denied the risks they faced, and acted as if nothing much had happened, were far more relaxed and coped better than those who thought realistically about what they had faced. The repressed patients, even though they were denying reality to a certain extent, benefited from lower blood pressure and fewer stress symptoms. The lesson from this study: sometimes it is better to avoid thinking about certain things that are distressing

Stress is a matter not just of circumstances but also of the ways you interpret them.

In studies of people who have recurring heart attacks, or complications following a critical cardiac event, the majority were suffering major stress. Further, those who recovered most quickly from heart attacks were those who felt a sense of control over their thoughts and moods (Steward, Moser, & Thompson, 2004).

All of these so-called "secondary gains" of worrisome thoughts actually prevent you from changing the pattern because they are serving some purpose, even if you aren't sure what that might be.

In such cases, and others you might encounter, the cognitive methods of challenging irrational thoughts might not work as well as you would prefer. You might even find that trying so hard to make the negative thoughts go away only seems to make things worse

In some ways, we are reluctant to use the term "problem solving" when speaking about the challenges that you face.

In truth, most of the things that perplex you in life don't have single, correct solutions; sometimes there are no resolutions at all! Consider the whole notion of managing your time. No matter who you are, what you are doing, or where you are living, there can never be enough time to do all the things you want to do, or need to do. Not only is there insufficient time in a single day to complete everything you'd like to do, but there will never be enough opportunities in life to do everything you want before your time runs out.

most stress is self- inflicted

It is a premise of cognitive approaches that stress results more from attitude than circumstances. The same situation that may seem stressful to one person feels exciting and challenging to someone else. For those who are suffering from extreme emotional upheaval, the problems persist in large part because of excessive ruminations and obsessions about factors or situations that are beyond your control. Likewise, those most likely to recover quickly from stressful situations are those who feel some degree of power to regulate their moods, change their thinking, and act constructively

In each of these cases, the person is generalizing from one or more cases and defining herself in an absolute way.

It is irrational to label yourself as shy just because you might behave that way in some situations; almost nobody is shy in every situation and context. Likewise, making a judgment about yourself as not good in math just because you haven't performed as well as you prefer thus far is to deny any possibility for improvement in the future.

c-Emotional consequence

Most people believe that things outside of themselves, events or circumstances in the world, are what cause them to feel stressed and out of control. It feels like other people, weather, bad luck, a flat tire, or a reading assignment are the cause of the negative emotions. The clearest evidence for this is to listen to how you talk about things that happen to you. Often they involve externalized thinking, that is, the idea that feelings were caused by external events: "He made me so angry," or "The traffic really upset me," or "I got really stressed out by that party." In each of these cases, the person is attributing the emotional result to some particular event or stimulus that activated or caused it.

Musterbation

Musterbation refers to the demand that people or things be a particular way. Ellis called this a form of "self-abuse" because it implies that you are in some way special and deserving of special privileges not afforded to others. The universe does not care whether or not you get what you want. It is impartial and favors no one. The best way to diagnose what Aaron Beck refers to as personalization is to look for ways in which you exaggerate your belief that events in the world apply only to you and your sense of specialness, for example, "Every time I try to plan a picnic, it rains." Not only is this most likely not true (surely there was a time when it didn't rain), but it implies that the "weather gods" are only concerned with ruining your plans (as if they have nothing better to do—like disrupting others' lives with hurricanes, tornadoes, and such).

It is within your power to completely change your life—not just the ways you respond to stress, but the ways you choose to respond to anything that you face.

Note that we have emphasized the word, "choose," because a central feature of cognitive approaches is to recognize that the way you react to something depends, to a large extent, on how you decide to think about it. Such interpretations are about making some choices over others.

absoulute demands

One of the most common laments you hear whenever things don't go the preferred way is "That isn't fair." In fact, life is not fair. If it was, you wouldn't have to lock your doors. You wouldn't see people around you who have more than you even though they are not as smart or talented. You wouldn't have to take this course and study so hard. The world is not a fair place in which everyone gets what he deserves and you in particular get whatever you want. There are injustices all around you. People play by different rules and live by other values. It would be preferable if everyone else thought the exact same way that you do, and did just what you thought was best for them and for you, but that is just not going to happen most of the time.

We are the only species that has the ability, and the inclination, to anticipate dangers.

Rather than being grounded only in the here and now, we can imagine future possibilities, and we do this as routinely and naturally as breathing. One result of this remarkable talent is that stress activates thinking and internal fantasies that lead us to rehearse, over and over again, all the disastrous things that might happen or go wrong

Whenever you catch yourself believing that life should be fair, you are setting yourself up for increased disappointment, indignation, and frustration.

So what can you substitute instead of this complaint? Try "Oh well. Isn't it annoying and disappointing that things are not going the way I prefer? I wish things were different, but they are not. So I might as well accept things as they are, work to change the things within my power, and stop dwelling on what is beyond my capability to change."

Worry, on the other hand, involves persistent attention on matters that are beyond what you can manage on your own.

Such behavior actually diverts you from taking constructive action. You engage in a kind of magical thinking that if you spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about some disaster that might befall you, then somehow this will prevent it. Or, at the very least, it is a kind of psychological preparation for the worst you can imagine. Interestingly, it is also a way to try to control other people

In studies done to compare those who performed well under pressure with those who folded, a strategy of "positive appraisal" seemed to be the decisive factor.

That means that when taking a test or competing in an event, everyone experiences certain behavioral and physiological reactions in their bodies, but these can be interpreted in very different ways. When participants were told their fluttery stomachs, jittery hands, or pounding hearts would actually improve their performance, they believed the so-called nervousness was actually quite positive and functional

rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT

The goal of this approach is to teach people how to identify what they are doing to upset themselves and, in turn, to change the nature of their thinking in such a way as to produce a more desirable outcome.

In each case, these reframed problems take the edge off the emotional intensity of situations and make the problems easier to deal with.

The life predicament is exactly the same—the only thing that has changed is the way things are interpreted. Remember, this is the essence of cognitive restructuring. You may not be able to control the world, or other people, but you can control how you respond by choosing certain attitudes over others.

magine yourself about to speak in front of a large audience and panic setting in. Your brain locks up, sweat starts dripping down your back, and you feel like you're going to faint.

Then, with a minute or so of self-talk, you immediately feel yourself become calm and centered.

People worry about the weather. They worry about traffic. They worry about everything from catching a cold to contracting a terminal disease.

There are aspects of such behavior that are, in fact, constructive in the sense that they lead you to take self-protective measures against possible threats or aggravations. But most of the time you tend to worry about things that seem to do nothing except waste your time and drive you to distraction.

This may sound rather simplistic to you, but it works!

This is a direct application of behavior modification in which you extinguish an undesirable behavior (in this case a disturbing thought) with punishment (snapped rubber band). This method is not so much designed to hurt yourself when you engage in dysfunctional thinking: it acts more as a reminder, a kind of memory anchor, that helps you remember to clear your mind and focus on the present.

a- "activating event"

This is the situation that most people believe is causing the stressful difficulty. A flat tire, getting caught in congested traffic, receiving a low grade on an assignment, being yelled at by a supervisor, being ignored by a friend, or ending a relationship are all examples of events that appear to activate strong negative emotional responses. This is the initial event (A) that leads to a particular emotional consequence (C). Let's take an example of how reading these chapters on stress is the "activating event" that is "causing" you to feel very up

In order to control stress you would have to surrender incessant worrying about things that are beyond your control.

This is the type of chronic, persistent focus on things that can go wrong, on disasters that may befall you, and on even minor disruptions in your routine that may require greater flexibility and adaptation. It is a disease of "what if"

Once you understand that the way you are feeling is based on your chosen beliefs, many of which are irrational and self-defeating, the next step in the process is to dispute or counteract those interpretations.

This means challenging some of your assumptions to determine the extent to which you might be exaggerating or distorting things, overpersonalizing the situation, or overgeneralizing what is going on. Disputing your beliefs is the most difficult part of this cognitive restructuring process. To review, you will have no difficulty identifying what set you off (A—the antecedent event). You will also find it easy to label your feelings (C—emotional consequences) as they have likely bubbled to the surface; they are what caught your attention in the first place. The irrational beliefs (B) take a little practice to label, but we have provided you a guide to make that task easier (Figure 6.1). Look for variations of the five themes we mentioned: (1) Life isn't fair, (2) It's awful, (3) I can't stand it, (4) I must get what I want, and (5) I'm incompetent. Basically what you are trying to do is to force yourself to look logically, rationally, and systematically at your situation. Imagine that the events were recorded and you were watching the reenactment on a screen. What would you observe? What would the recorder capture in objective, accurate images?

Creating Meaning

Very little of what you experience in life, stressful or otherwise, has meaning without your active construction of that perception. Throughout the ages, existential philosophers and theoreticians have wrestled with the difficult questions related to what gives life meaning. Some of the greatest thinkers, novelists, and playwrights have described the journey toward finding meaning in one's existence.

The functions of worry and stress

What comes to mind when you think about possible uses of worry and stress? What do they do for you, even in extreme degrees? What functions might they serve to help you in some way, even if they have negative side-effects?

When Challenging Stressful Thoughts Doesn't Work

You have already learned that there are times when stress and anxiety actually serve important functions (eustress) to enhance performance, mental acuity, and physical capabilities during emergencies, competitions, or life-threatening situations. In general, in order for these normal reactions to operate effectively, there must be only a moderate degree of activation going on; otherwise you lose control. Yet there are also times when extreme stress and worry also serve useful purposes

the power of language

You have probably noticed that cognitive restructuring methods pay very close attention to the language that is used, both internally and in spoken words. This is not just making a big deal about little words. Language happens to be the best evidence of what you are thinking inside. If you are using externalized language like "He made me do it" or "I just had a bit of bad luck," then you are probably adopting toxic thoughts that minimize both your responsibility and your control.

Cognitive restructuring,

a term coined by psychologist Donald Meichenbaum (1977), refers to a particular coping style in which people inoculate themselves against stress by building up a reservoir of positive self-talk or internal dialogue to deal with life's challenges.

Stop whining and complaining

about things you can't control

What is "low frustration tolerance"

and how does it contribute to emotional problems?

Stress, or for that matter, any kind of suffering,

becomes intolerable when it seems to serve no purpose except to condemn one to misery. Yet individuals who have survived trauma may as often be led to positive transformations as they are to despair. What makes the difference is how survivors perceive their plight and how they restore meaning after experiencing loss

l What are some of the differences

between concern and worry?

Among all the stress reduction and management strategies, there is one that is most important and most universally applied. It is called

cognitive restructuring and represents a way of changing how you experience and respond to stressful situations by changing how you view them. Cognitive restructuring methods are already within your repertoire, something you learned long ago during your childhood. Remember the rhyme you used to recite when other children teased you?

There is a significant difference between

concern and worry.

l What are the major strategies for

disputing irrational beliefs?

Exchange optimism

for pessimism.

How can "thought stopping" be used

for someone who is stuck repeating himself, "I know I'll fail again"?

• Stop yourself from

imagining the worst.

One of the first things to understand about dealing with time-related stress, or problems that seem to be without easy solutions,

is that this is a natural condition of life. No matter what you do, you are always going to feel behind schedule and struggle with thorny issues that perplex you. Rather than feeling unduly anxious and immobilized by this reality, there are several strategies you can employ to exert more control over the way you manage your life. That which cannot be "managed" can then be tolerated, or even embraced, as part of life's "gifts" in the sense that it teaches you important lessons.

In order to keep things in realistic perspective,

it is often useful to remind yourself that what you are blowing up as so important now may not mean very much a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, or years in the future (see Voice of Stress Management 6.1). Who is going to care about this 100 years from now? In the grand scheme of things within the universe, how much does this really matter?

Time management is a particular kind of problem-solving technique

it is one that tries to match available resources with your goals. There are always people making demands on your time, and more tasks in any given day than you could possibly complete. No matter how many hours you study for an exam, you are never perfectly prepared; there are always more things you could do. The nature of life is that the clock is always ticking away the precious seconds, minutes, and hours of the time allotted to you. This is a tremendous source of stress.

What is "reframing" and how can it

make solving problems much easier?

What are the best strategies for

managing your time on a daily basis?

Several other chapters in this book will teach you how to turn off your mind and put stressful thoughts aside

meditation, visualization, deep breathing, yoga, and tai chi are designed specifically for that purpose. So far we have been advocating that stress can be counteracted by thinking more rationally and logically, but sometimes the problem is made worse by thinking too much

In examining the two different ways that people responded to adversity,

notice that the externalized versions blame outside factors for the trouble. This allows you to avoid responsibility for what is happening, but at the cost of surrendering control. On the other hand, the internalized responses use language in which the speaker/thinker believes that how he is feeling is a direct result of his own actions.

Keep your sense

of humor.

What are the secondary gains

of procrastination?

Take yourself

off probation

What are the most prevalent "toxic"

or irrational thoughts that create or exacerbate stress?

How does the way that you define a

problem affect your ability to resolve the difficulty?

l What is the relationship between

problem solving and stress management?

Live in the present rather

r than dwelling in the past.

l How is stress a self-inflicted misery

rather than one imposed on you?

Awfulizing is best challenged by

recognizing the extent to which you are exaggerating the importance of an event, or its ultimate effects on your life. You walk out of class, head out to the parking lot after a tough day, and discover that your car has a flat tire. You think to yourself, "What a disaster! I can't believe this sort of thing always happens to me! This whole day has just been a nightmare, one thing after another." If you chose to counteract these irrational beliefs, then you might say to yourself instead: "Well, this is certainly annoying. It is disappointing that this will cost me some money I don't really have right now, but oh well, there's not much I can do about that now. I'd better get to work and get this tire changed." In this second case, the person chooses to think something different about the situation. Rather than seeing this flat tire as a major disaster, the person instead treats it as an inconvenience. Presumably you can see how this alternative interpretation of the situation would produce a different emotional reaction—one in which stress is minimized.

It is indeed the case that worrying about things can better prepare you to face challenges in the future, but at a cost:

t: worriers tend to die younger than those who avoid such behavior (Mroczek, Spiro, & Turiano, 2009). There is a magical belief that if you anticipate every possible negative scenario that might unfold, somehow you can better survive it. Yet focusing so extremely on potential disasters creates a level of chronic stress that becomes toxic.

How can you determine which

technique will work best for you?

What are the major barriers

that get in the way of effective problem solving?

Reframe problems to make

them more manageable

If you are intrigued by this approach enough to want to learn more about it, t

there are plenty of resources available that you might consult, including books by Ellis, Beck, and others

How would you initiate "self-talk"

to counteract feelings of stress when facing an upcoming exam?

What is the most important thing

to manage in time management?

Keep expectations realistic

to minimize disappointment.

yourself so seriously.

to overgeneralize.

Monitor

what you say.

Look for exceptions for

when you are experiencing problems.

ABC theory of emotions,

which plots out, logically and sequentially, the mechanisms by which people become upset and how they might change negative feelings through certain thinking patterns that are deemed more rational and reality-based. The ABC theory is so named because each letter stands for a stage in the process of emotional disturbance. The next two letters in the alphabet, D and E, lead to a different emotional response.

If it is not the events of your life that cause

you to feel upset, what then determines this reaction?

Stop taking

yourself so seriously.

Ellis favored the term "musterbation" because it draws attention to the use of the "musts" and "shoulds" in our internal thinking and verbal speech. Consider the following statements as examples.

• "He shouldn't have behaved in that way." This means you are saying that because someone acted differently than you would, or lives by different rules than your own, he should be punished in some way. • "I must go to my parents' house for dinner on Sunday." This demand implies that you must behave in a particular way or you are no good. There is a huge difference between telling yourself, "I must go to dinner" versus "I choose to go to dinner at my parents' house." It is all a matter of language, but words imply critical distinctions. • "Either she's with me and does what she should do to help me, or she's against me and doesn't care at all." In reality, things are usually not so simple.

Compare the statements above to alternatives that are carefully reworded to more accurately reflect reality.

• "I choose not to do that now, but I reserve the right to change my mind at some future time." • "I don't do as well in math as I would like, but I hope to do better with practice and help." • "Sometimes I lose control of my temper whereas at other times I am able to control myself quite well." • "In certain social situations, such as being in a room full of strangers, I behave in shy ways. When I am with family or friends, however, I can be quite outgoing." • "I didn't handle that situation as well as I would like. There are some areas I need to improve."

Examples of awfulizing in action include:

• "It is terrible that things worked out the way they did." • "This is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me." • "What a major disaster that I didn't get . . ."

The problem is redefined in such a way that it can be more readily solved. This is called reframing and involves taking the problem out of its current context or "frame" and placing it in another one that makes it easier to deal with. So often, problems seem hopeless and intractable because they are perceived that way. Consider the following complaints.

• "My mother is always on my case. She's always bugging me, asking me questions, and trying to find out what I'm doing. She's so nosy." • "My boyfriend is the problem. He is just lazy and inconsiderate." • "My coworkers keep sabotaging my work and undermining me." • "I'm shy and don't have any friends." • "I'm getting poor grades because I am stupid."

Now, consider the preceding problem statements reframed in a more positive point of view.

• "My mother really loves and cares about me. She just shows her affection and concern in ways that I haven't appreciated." • "I haven't been as effective as I could be in getting my needs met in this relationship." • "My coworkers are trying to be helpful, but in a way that is different from what I prefer." • "Sometimes I act shyly, but sometimes I don't. I would like to have more friends." • "I'm getting poor grades because I haven't yet figured out how to study effectively."

What are the symptoms of low frustration tolerance that you should be on the lookout for?

• Demanding instant gratification of every desire and then whining and complaining about it when you don't get your way ("It isn't fair!"). • Thinking only about pleasures in the present rather than the implications for the future, such as how you will pay for what you want. • Feeling impatient when things don't happen as quickly as you might prefer, or according to your most convenient schedule. • Avoiding the self-discipline and hard work involved in giving up or avoiding habits and addictions that provide temporary relief but at long-term costs. • Abandoning a planned program that could produce beneficial and desired goals because the work seems too hard, and the effort is considerable. • Procrastinating rather than completing assignments or activities, and failing to deliver on your promises to yourself or others.

Disputing Questions for Counteracting Irrational Beliefs

• Where is the evidence to support that you must ...? • Where is it written that you must ...? • Just because it is bad, how does that mean that it is the end of the world? • If you continue to believe that, what will it do for you? • What will be the consequences if you give up that idea? • How is thinking that way getting you what you say you want? • What will it mean if you don't get what you want?

Other possible explanations as to why you might have trouble challenging negative thoughts include the following.

• You enjoy the attention and sympathy you get from others. • You ward off fears by believing that you can somehow control the future by thinking about it so much. • You prepare yourself for worst possible scenarios by thinking about them ahead of time. • You have an excuse for not doing as well as you might like because you are "impaired." • They create drama and excitement in your life. • They can act as a motivation to get things done in order to protect yourself against further suffering. • They help you to examine more closely unresolved issues that you have been avoiding.