Wedding Singer Lines

"I do."

"I do, too!"

You're an ass.

"Words and music by Robert J. Hart..." I am the *******.

Okay. Just for educational purposes.

"You may kiss the bride."

The "I" is dotted with a broken heart

"Your Pal?"

C'mon, this is gonna be great. After this, we can do whatever you want: blackjack, craps, roulette, anything.

...so when she gets to my house, she finds Linda on the bed.

So...tell me, Robbie...are you nervous?

A little, but I'll be fine. I'm around weddings all the time.

She wanted me to give you this.

A note? Excellent...

Wall street guy. Keeps talking about the dawn of some entrepreneurial age or something. You want the gig or not?

Actually, Mr. President, I've got a little story to tell you...

Yeah, I'm definitely the screw-up of the family. I even screwed up the bachelor party: we ran out of booze at like seven o'clock...

All right! Let's hear it for the -

Ole!

All right, everybody, before we bring up Grandpa Moishe to bless the challah, let's take the room down a little bit. Can I get some mood lighting! Nice. Now George our keyboardist has prepared something special for our final number, so I don't want to see anybody sitting this one out. Break to down for us Georgie!

Come on, Robbie. What's it gonna take to get you to help me out? I'll buy you a smoothie.

Alright, throw in one of those big pretzels and you got a deal.

Yeah.

Alright.

Actually, I'm not crazy about the big wedding thing. I'd rather just hop a plane to Vegas.

Are you checking out that waitress's ass?

Look, towels are on sale! Hold my purse for me.

Baby, please no.

Are you nuts? I'm not registering for black towels.

But black towels never get dirty.

Oh, that's wonderful!

But it might be too late.

Wait, you went to work for Glen?

Correctamundo. Oh, by the way, grandma, I know you're anniversary part is coming up, but I am just swamped. I think I'm going to have to take rain check on finishing that tune for your poem.

Oh.

Crystal?

Ain't nobody here, mate. It's a slow day for a white wedding.

Damn, I need to stop a wedding. I haven't got much time. Do you think you could help me?

Robbie? Are you okay?

Did everybody leave?

And I.P.O's

Does that mean you'll help me?

Me? I'm a waitress and I love with my mom.

Exactly. And that's why you're marrying Glen. Because he's got money.

Whachu talkin' bout, Willis?

Excuse me, have you seen a - oh my God, youre Billy Idol!

Oh, okay. So you're still pissed about the wedding thing?

Get out!

Oh my God!

Got it!

That was wonderful George, but have you seen Robbie?

Grandma!

No, but I get that a lot. I'm a Billy Idol impersonator.

Great. Is there a Glen Guglia or a Julia Sullivan here?

Oh, yeah. I've head all about the Robster. Thanks for helping Julia our. I owe you one.

Hey Glen. I kissed her but it didn't mean anything.

Hey I'm just gettin' to the best part, where "Mr. Perfect" over there spends then minutes in the closed with a transvestite and a bottle of...

Hey now, part of the fun of a bachelor party is that it's a chance for the groom to get "wild and crazy" one last time before he pledges his eternal love to the woman he adores. At that moment, his old life ends - all his last mistakes, his false starts, his...sexual experimentation - that stuff doesn't matter anymore. I myself will be making the pledge to my beautiful fiancé Linda tomorrow......thank you, beginning a new life, a life of love. Some might say, "What's love got to do with it?" Or that "love is battlefield". But those folks are looking for love in all the wrong places. Because endless love... is the greatest love of all. To Harold and Debbie...

Top of Scene 3

Hey, Grandma, can I come down yet?

Saturday night in the city

Hey, is Julia's okay?

Robbie, maybe singing tonight wasn't such a. good idea. You're still a little emotional.

How can I have emotion... When my souls been eaten by the Devil!

Look, we'll figure something out. But right now, it's time for Robbie Hart's last night out as a free man.

I appreciate the offer guys, but I've gotta finish writing this song for my wedding tomorrow.

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

Help you? Im gonna make you a millionaire!

I don't think I could ever be as successful as you, Glen.

Let me come hone

I don't wanna be alone anymore.

But Robbie's a musical! What's he going to do in New York with all those cutthroat MBAs?

I eat MBAs for lunch, lady.

Who hasn't?

I gotta go.

Well, this Glen sounds like a first class prick. I'll do my best.

I just need five minuets to finish this song I'm writing. Can you stall them? Bring it in! One, two, three! Erik Estrada!

Robbie dear?

I just thought of a song...for Julia.

Julia? What up with that, bro?

I know, I know, she's engaged to somebody else. And to make things worse, I tried to become more like Glen...now she hates my guts.

Never too late to move that thang

I need to get on the next flight to Vegas.

Pretty much. Except a few cops who still interviewing witnesses.

I think I'm lying in creamed corn.

What?

I went to see your fiancé. He hooked me up. So far I'm just sorting mail, but if I keep my eyes on the prize...

And will you also promise not to sing that song? Oh my God, that's probably Glen!

I'd better go. Thanks for the help with the tune.

What's a CD player?

I'll explain later, Fake Cyndi Lauper. I think I've got an idea. Will you help me?

You're just upset about Linda. But what was so special about her anyway? I mean, what kind of "goddess" would screw over a great guy like you? You're gonna feel a lot better once you meet someone new.

I'll never meet anyone new.

Thank you Jesus!

I'm in love with Julia.

There you are!

I'm sorry there's no melody for your poem, Grandma. I just haven't been able to work lately.

Come on, Robbie! Music is your life, you can't just give it all up!

I'm sorry, I just can't sing at weddings anymore.

George made quiche!

I'm sorry, guys. The song is real important.

It's the plastic bride from the top of the wedding cake.

It looks just like Linda. Only much, much smaller.

Top of Scene 9

It means that today, Jared Shapiro has left childish things behind. Today, Jared Shapiro has entered the world of adulthood. Today, Jared Shapiro...you are a man.

The one you forced me to buy.

It was fifty percent off!

If I ever actually do get married, will you sing at my wedding?

It's a deal.

C'mom. That's a fine, fine ass right there.

It's a shame guys like us could never get something like that.

I wanna grow old with you

Julia, will you marry me?

Thanks, Robbie.

Julia?

Whoa, nice save!

Just doin' my job. You're Holly's cousin?

Priest starts talking

Just give her a second!

Hey, man, where have you been?

Just leave me alone so I can relish in my stupidity.

Oh. Hi. What are you doing?

Just...you know, writing a song for my fiancé, Linda.

What is that thing?

Let go. Mine.

What's going on with you, Robbie? Is it true you quit the band?

Let's face it, the band was a waste of time. I'm never gonna get anywhere in life writing songs about hearts and flowers. It's time to start looking out for number one.

Although it seems like what you need is not so much "cheering up" as "anti-psychotic medication".

Linda was right to dump me. I haven't done anything since high school.

Looky, looky - Mr. Sleepyhead woke up!

Linda! What are you doing here?

Top of scene 6

Linda.

Robbie, you're still gonna sing at my wedding, right? You promised, remember?

Listen, Julia, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not gonna work.

Well, I'm marrying these two young people in ten minutes, and my organist didn't show up. The fella that's getting married is loaded. He'll probably give you a hundred bucks for one song.

Loaded?

What's wrong?

Look how happy she is. I cant ruin her life. I have absolutely nothing to offer her.

Wedding singer! I thought you were sick! Look, we're haven't a little pre-bachelor-party party. Why don't you come have a beer with us?

Look, Glen, the whole cheating thing...you better stop. She's really special. You're lucky to have her.

Why don't you show me?

Look, guys...I gotta go...

Robbie, maybe we should talk about all this when you're feeling better.

Look, psycho. I'm never gonna want to talk about this. Now get out of my Van Halen shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

That's just weird.

Look, writing a love song is hard! Okay?

All people...

Maybe I could change!

Okay, baby, time to go home.

Maybe I should go help Glen.

Well, not in there you won't.

Maybe I was stupid to get engaged in the first place. I mean, look at you. You're not engaged and you're happy.

Did something happen happen with Holly?

Nah. She kissed me. Once. But I'm not in love with Holly.

Julia, it's entrée time!

Nice to meet you, Julia!

You're gonna pay me back, right?

No I will not.

Robbie...why don't you get out of there and go home?

No! I live here now!

You have a thing for Julia.

No, I don't. I mean, she's great and all, but she's marrying that ********

Want Hulk-a-mania to run wild on them, brother?

No, I'm good, fake Hulk Hogan.

Uh, Robbie. Do you think maybe we should call Linda?

No, I'm sure she's fine...just a problem with her dress or her hair or something...

That's so sweet! She's a lucky girl.

No, I'm the lucky one. Linda's... a goddess. She came to one of your gigs seven years ago, back when I was in a metal band called "Burning Sensation". It was love at first sight for both of us. I'm just having a little trouble with this thing...it's kinda gotta be done by tomorrow.

Pardon me, young man. Yes, you. With the guitar case. Do you play wedding music by any chance?

No, fake President Reagan, I don't. Why?

No you're scary!

No, this is scary!

Um, Robbie?

No.

Okay, well, what kind of experience do you have?

Not any, really. But I'm a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. But I would like to put more in the jar. That's where you come in.

Suit yourself, Jennifer!

Oh man... it feels like Mr. Belvedere sat on my skull.

Hey, asswipe, you better not go snitching on me to Julia. I know you have a little crush on her, but face it, she's wants to go to sleep at night with a winner.

Oh yeah? How about we have it out right here?! If I win, you confess to Julia. If you win-

Shaaaaane! He's hurting my feewings!

Oh, I'm sorry, Donatewwa, I'm sorry, I forgot: you're in "loooooove". Well, some of us are never gonna experience that! I know I never will. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there won't. Or that crazy cat lady. And pretty much everybody at table nine. But the worst part is that me, ugly guy, crazy cat lady and the mutants at table nine have to sit here and act like we're so happy for you because you're in "looooove"! Well maybe we're not happy for you! Maybe we're not happy at all.

Linda's mom just stopped by.

Oh, that was nice of her.

You know before I married your grandfather, I had already been with eight men.

Okay! You know, that's not something I really wanna know about.

I'll be right here waiting for you

Okay, I'll try... Oof!

No! That's a little dark.

Okay, all right...um...

Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.

One more outburst from you, sir, and I'll bludgeon you to death with this microphone.

Well, maybe you could start out slowly. You know, just get your feet wet agin. There have to be other functions you can entertain at besides weddings.

Other functions? What does that mean?

It takes one to know one

Ow! Cut it out!

Well, look, I don't know, but maybe you should think about how she makes you feel...

Really?

Right, Julia Sullivan.

Robbie Hart

We only have one seat left, and it's first class.

Sammy, can I borrow your credit card?

Hi, pleased to meet you, I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart. Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding...

Shhhh... This is her house.

Guglia.

So Julia's last name is gonna be Guglia? Julia Giglia? That's funny.

Cause...love...what...do

So let's hear it for... Donatella and Shane McDonnough. Give 'em a hand! I mean, you guys are off to a great start, I mean, Donatello showed up, so right away got gotta he psyched, right Scott?

Saturday night in the city

So you must be excited.

I only said that so you would get off the hood of my car.

So, how did you know this Glen guy was "the one"?

I won. Why don't you write a song about that? You could call it, "I Got Punched In The Face For Sticking My Nose In Other People's Buisness".

Sounds like a country song.

After you get back from your honeymoon, of course.

Sure thing. I hope fifty years from now Linda and I will be as happy as you and Grandpa are.

I'm a casualty of love!

Tell me 'bout it!

Love is what I do!

Thank you! Thank you very much! Hey, thank you! My name is Robbie Hart and I'm the lead singer of "Simply Wed". I'd like to introduce the rest of the band, that's Sammy on bass and George tickling the ivories. What a pleasure it is to be here at the Touch of Class Catering and Banquet Hall on this special, special day with two special, special people... Mr. and Mrs. Harold Fonda! And now the best man is going to say a few words. Let's give a big hand to Harold's brother, David Fonda!

I though you could use a cold one.

Thanks. Hey, nobody's dancing.

Funny you should mention that. Glen and I were supposed to go register today, but some clients of his are in town.

That is brilliant: he found a way to get out of doing all the wedding junk that guys hate.

To Harold and Debbie!

The best man, everybody. Alright, we're gonna take a short break. But as you enjoy your prime rib or fish, George is going to take us sound of the border with a tune he calls...

You don't like my haircut?

The flip side - no, I don't - the flip side of hope, my friends, is fear. Fear that I'll never find my "Donatella", my "special someone". But maybe it's all a trick! Maybe there is no "special someone" out there for me or anybody else. I mean, Shane, let's be honest - how "special" is Donatella? She sweats more than any women I've ever seen. She is a sweaty, sweaty woman. And Shane, I've only known her an hour, but that whiny, baby-talk thing is driving me nuts.

Word to your grandmother!

There's like a thousand places to get married in this town. It's pointless to keep looking. She's probably already Mrs. Glen Guglia by now...I should have known better than to think I could stop them...

Speak for yourself.

Too bad you're gonna have to give all that up after you're married.

They're thirteen. Boys and girls aren't interested in each other yet.

True. It isn't until later that the sickness creeps in.

Can I hear what you've got so far?

Uh, sure, it's a little unfinished, but...here we go...

And no ones ever gonna love a casualty of love!

Uh-oh.

That wasn't anything like that kiss you gave Julia the other day.

Um, Holly...

Wow. Will you make me a promise?

Um, sure...

Um... actually...

Wait a second - you got engaged?

No way!

Way, fake Tina Turner! She freaked and flew out here with Glen to get married.

Just a second!

We better get moving. I don't want to be late for my own wedding...

So there's a "Battle of the Bands" in Paramus on the 18th. First prize is you get to make a demo with the guy who produces all Bob Jovi's albums. I signed us up.

We have the Schwartz wedding that night.

"So what?"

We're just supposed to not show up on the most important night of someone's life?

Roberto! Welcome to the center of the universe! What can I do for you?

Well, Glen, I thought you might be able to help me out... it's pretty clear I'm going nowhere right now, and I need to start making some money...

It's not important to some people. It's important to all people......all people..all people...

Well, I'm in big troub-

All people...

Well, I'm in big trouble, then. But maybe I could change.

It's not important to some people. It's important to all people.

Well, I'm in big trouble, then. But maybe I could change. I mean, then do you think...

It's all about the green

Well, I'm sure it's a little more complicated...

Oh, she's fine. Probably nervous about the wedding.

Well, any girl would be lucky to be Mrs...

Im back, Robbie.

Well, kiss my grits

It was eighty percent ugly! Besides, we're not supposed to be buying stuff, we're supposed to be registering for stuff.

Well, see if this registers: you're picking out crap.

I thought you were above all that material bullshit.

Well, we're living in a material world and I am a material girl...guy.

Cause it's not that kind of thing

What about these?

I like the china with the floral pattern! Look at the little daffodils and rosebuds.

What are you, like, eighty years old? No guy is gonna wanna eat off plates like that. Just go with the white ones, anything else is gonna clash with that tablecloth you just bought.

Did that hot chick in "Flashdance" stop...flashdancing just because she had a lot of welding and shit to do?

What the hell are you talking about?

I cant believe I never noticed it.

What?

Let me see, that will be...two thousand dollars.

What?

Now, kids. Let's just relax, I see this kind of thing all the time. Pre-wedding jitters.

What?

Julia. She went to your house this morning and Linda was on the bed.

What? You mean she thought...but nothing happened! Wait a second, what was Julia doing there?

Look, Robbie...

Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it.

Shane.

Whatever. You've found "true love". Whoop-dee-doo. But what is "true love"? Don't ask me. Cause I've never had it. Thought I did...

Robbie, are you back with Linda.

Where did you hear that?

You passed out, and I took care of you.

Why'd you take care of me?

Yes, Mookie?

Will you marry me, baby?

Surprise! It's your wedding present!

Wow! A queen sized bed! Thanks, grandma!

Will this be your first time with the sexual intercourse?

Yeah, let's not talk about this.

And a cookie!

Yeah, we're all hoping to find true love, but do you know what the flip side of hope is? You sir, with the bad haircut, any clue?

Uh, maybe we should help George out, he the ball rolling. So, is it good to be back?

Yeah, you were right. I owe you one.

What do you think? Can you picture me in if?

Yes.

Hey, Glen and I got engaged! Engaged to be married!

You already told us that a few weeks ago. Is she okay? She seems a little tipsy...

I told you last night I made a mistake. And now I'm back. I can learn to deal with you being just a wedding singer and now a rock star...

You can learn to deal with that? I don't want you to learn to deal with that. That's not how it works!

What?

You know what I'm talking about. You're into "material bullshit".

Awwww...sweetie, maybe you should just tell her how you feel?

You know what? You're right!

Well, you might not think he's Mr. Perfect, but you know why she's marrying him, don't you?

You mean the money thing? The security, the nice house. Yeah, that important to some people these days.

Well, you might not think Glen's Mr. Perfect, but you know why she's marrying him, don't you?

You mean the money thing? The security, the nice house. Yeah, that's important to some people these days.

You think I'll look alright?

You'll look beautiful. I mean, this dress is really... Oh look they bedazzled this?