Chapter 10: Managing Conflict and Power
sudden-death statements
(self destructive messages) occur when people get so angry that they suddenly declare the end of the relationship, even though breaking up wasn't a possibility before the conflict
Collaborative approach
1. Attack the problems, not people 2. Focus on common interests and long-term goals (use "we" language to bolster this impression) 3. Create options before arriving at decisions (don't get bogged down searching for the "perfect" solution- it may not exist) 4. Critically evaluate your solution (Can everyone live with the resolution in the long run? If yes, go back to step 3)
Approaches to handling conflict
1. Avoidance 2. Accommodation 3. Competition 4. Reactivity 5. Collaboration
Challenges to Handling Conflict
1. Self-Enhancing Thoughts 2. Destructive Messages 3. Serial Arguments 4. Physical Violence 5. Unsolvable Disputes
Suggestions if you have online conflict
1. Wait and reread 2. Assume for the best and watch out for the worst 3. Seek outside counsel 4. Weigh you options carefully 5. Communicate competently
5 power currencies
1. resource currency 2. expertise currency 3. social network currency 4. personal currency 5. intimacy currency
5 short-term conflict resolutions
1. separation 2. domination 3. compromise 4. integrative agreements 5. structural improvements
Where do Canada and the United States (US) rank for most gender-equal nations on the planet?
16th and 49th overall
How many college students report using mediated channels to engage in conflicts
2/3 with text message being the most popular form when asked why they use mediated channels rather than face to face, respondents report "geographical distance" as them most common reason
Radical Pacifism
Extreme/Rash form of accommodation. When a person believes he or she has a moral obligation to behave in selfless, self-sacrificial ways that quickly end conflicts and assists others
Countries with top list of the most gender-equal nations on the planet
Iceland, Norway, and Finland
personal currency
Personal characteristics--beauty, intelligence, charisma, communication skill, sense of humor that people consider desirable
Power is Granted
Power doesn't reside within people. Instead it is granted by individuals or groups who allow another person or group to exert influence over them
4 Defining Characteristics of Power
Power is Always Present Power Can Be Used Ethically or Unethically Power is Granted Power Influences Conflicts
complementary relationship
Relationship where power is imbalanced ex. manger to employee or parent to young child
people who use avoidance have low relationship satisfaction and endure longer and more frequent conflicts than people who don't avoid
TRUE
avoidance is the most frequently used approach to handling conflict
TRUE because it seems easier, less emotionally draining, and lower risk than direct confrontation
Ranking of political empowerment for women
United States (US) 96th Canda 20th
gender and handling conflict
Women: - encouraged to avoid and suppress conflict - sacrifice for others Men: - competitive or even violent approaches to conflict...showing "masculinity" - when conflict is with a woman...many men handle it by downplaying or simply leaving the scene. * Stress collaboration & constructive conflict resolution
Power influences conflict
You'll find that power struggles lie underneath; power struggles rarely lead to mutually beneficial solutions
escalation
a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasingly negative and aggressive communication
skirting
a person avoids a conflict by changing the topic or joking about it; a common form of avoidance
social network currency
a person who is linked with a network of friends, family, and acquaintances with substantial influence
power currency
a resource that other people value; required to acquire power
serial arguments
a series of unresolved disputes, all having to do with the same issue typically stem from deep disagreements, such as, differing relationship expectations or clashes in values and beliefs occur over time and consist of cycles in which things "heat up" and then lapse back into a temporary state of truce
physical violence
a strategy to which people may resort if they cannot think of a better way to deal with conflict or if they believe no other options are available both men and women use violence as a strategy for dealing with conflicts however women are substantially more likely to be injured or killed
what is reactivity characterized by
accusations of mistrust, yelling, crying, and becoming verbally or physically abusive
____________ strongly predict relationship quality
approaches to dealing with conflict especially avoidant, reactive, and collaborative
heart of conflicts
are clashes in goals or behaviors
How does lack of power affect women's interpersonal communication?
are not as free to say as they wish their talk is often not was valued by men women voices are muted
most common approach to conflict
avoidance since it doesn't really address the goal-related clash or actions that sparked the conflict
why is technology not suited for resolving conflicts
because of our inability to see nonverbal reactions to messages makes people less aware of the consequences of their communication choices people are more likely to prioritize their own goals, minimize their partner's goals
compromise
both parties change their goals to make them compatible typically result from people using collaborative approach and is most effective in situations in which both people treat each other with respect, have relatively equal power, and don't consider the clashing goals especially important
method used when you respect the other person and are concerned about his or her desires
collaboration
most constructive approach to managing conflict
collaboration
kitchen-sinking
combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have little to do with the original disagreement when a conflict shifts topic, it can devolve into this from expression "throwing everything at them but the kitchen sink"
when in doubt
communicate directly about the issue
sniping
communicating in a negative fashion and then abandoning the encounter by physically leaving the scene or refusing to interact further; another form of avoidance
expertise currency
comprises special skills or knowledge; the more highly specialized and unique your skill is, the more expertise power you possess
result of using a collaborative approach
compromise
conflict is dynamic
conflict is ever changing and unpredictable; 66.4 percent of disputes, the focus shifts substantially as the conflict progresses
conflict begins with perception
conflict occurs when people perceive incompatible goals or actions perceptual errors shape how our conflicts unfold; self-enhancing errors - often blame others more than ourselves
Win-lose solution
conflicts that end with domination
competitive approaches can trigger
defensive communication
Words People Commonly Associate with Interpersonal Conflict
destruction, heartache, and hopelessness
most destructive messages are
dirty secrets
4 Pillars of Gender Inequality
economic opportunity, educational access, political representation, and physical health
primary risk of choosing a competitive approach is
escalation
compromise
everyone involved modifies his or her individual goals to come up with a solution to the conflict
some disputes are unsolvable
example: unreciprocated feelings Clues to recognize unsolvable disputes: you and the other person are not willing to change your negative opinions of each other, your goals are irreconcilable and strongly held, at least one partner is uncooperative, chronically defensive, or violent
People from individualistic cultures
feel comfortable agreeing to disagree and don't necessarily see such clashes as personal affronts they are more likely to compete, react, or collaborate
relationship partners often develop consistent patterns of communication for dealing with conflict that either promote or undermine their happiness
happy couples avoid personal attacks during conflicts and instead focus on their discussion on the differences at hand
defining distinction between genders
has been men's power over women by denying women access to power currencies through patriarchy ("the rule of fathers"), men have used cultural practices to maintain their social, political, and economic power
In asian and latino cultures,
high value is placed on resource currency; consequently people without these resources are the ones who grant power to those who do possess the resource
avoidance
ignoring the conflict, pretending it isn't really happening, or communicating indirectly about the situation
resource currency
includes material things such as money, property, and food
self enhancing thoughts
individuals selectively remember information that supports themselves and contradicts their partners, view their own communication more positively than their partners' and blame partners for failure to resolve the conflict. people tend not to think about long term outcomes -no complex thoughts - and do no perspective take dominate conflict encounters, stifling the likelihood of collaboration
chilling effect
individuals stop discussing relationship issues out of fear of their partners' negative reactions - one outcome of physical violence - climate of fear suppression, anxiety, and unhappiness
what creates a win win solution
integrative agreements
process of conflict in the most basic form
involves people perceiving that conflict exists, choosing an approach for handling the conflict, and then dealing with the subsequent conflict resolutions and outcomes
In close relationships, conflicts arise from one of the three issues
irritating partner behaviors, disagreements regarding relationship rules, personality clashes
most poisonous conflict approach to a relationship
is REACTIVITY
strongest cultural factor that influences your conflict approach
is whether you belong to an individualistic or a collectivistic culture
conflict is a process that unfolds over time
its course is determined by the communication choices we make: everything we say or do in a conflict influences everything our partner says and does
Another factor that influences people's decision to accommodate
love since accommodation reflects a high concern for others and a low concern for self; you want to please those you love
the choice is us competition is motivated by
negative thoughts and beliefs, including a desire to control, a willingness to hurt others in order to gain, and a lack of respect for others
Reactivity
not pursuing any conflict related goals at all; instead they communicate in an emotionally explosive and negative fashion people simply flip out, basically nonstrategic
domination
occurs when one person gets his or her way by influencing the other to engage in accommodation and abandon goals strongest predictor is the power balance in the relationship
People raised in individualistic cultures
often view direct messages regarding conflict as personal attacks and more likely to manage conflict through avoidance or accommodation
demand-withdraw pattern
one partner in a relationship demands that his or her goals be met, and the other partner responds by withdrawing from the encounter typically triggered when a person is bothered by a repeated source of irritation, but doesn't confront the issue until his or her anger can no longer be suppressed
accommodation
one person abandons his or her own goals and acquires to the desires of the other person
competition
open and clear discussion of the clash between goals that exists and the pursuit of one's own goals without regard for others'
the biggest challenge we face in constructively managing conflict is
our own minds
structural improvements
people agreeing to change the basic rules or understandings that govern their relationship to prevent further conflict
Important lesson regarding the relationship between power and conflict
people who are more powerful than you probably won't accommodate to your goals during conflicts power is a factor that influences people's decision to accommodate
Dyadic Power Theory
people with only moderate power (over you) are most likely to use controlling communication because their power is limited, they can't always be sure they're going to get their way in contrast, people with high power feel little need to display it; they KNOW that their words will be listened to and their wishes granted
In Northern European countries, Canada, and the United States US
people with power and wealth are admired or even envied but they are not granted unusual power
most aggression in conflict stems from
people's perception that they have no other options however, in most encounters more constructive alternatives are available than violence
the most destructive conflict challenge
physical violence
symmetrical relationship
relationship where power is balanced ex. friend to friend
cumulative annoyance
repressed irritation grows as the mental list of grievances we have against our partner builds. eventually cumulative annoyance overwhelms our capacity to suppress it and we suddenly explode in anger one of the biggest risks of avoidance
The most important think you can do to improve your conflict management skills is to
routinely practice critical self-reflection during disputes
defensive communication
someone refusing to consider your goals or dismissing them as unimportant, acting superior to you, or attempting to squelch your disagreement by wielding power over you
dirty secrets
statements that are honest in content but have been kept hidden to protect a partner's feelings, and are designed to hurt include acts of infidelity, intense criticism of a partner's appearance, and even lack of feelings
First and most important step in managing conflict constructively is
take the encounter offline doing so reduce the likelihood of attributional errors and substantially boost empathy
power
the ability to influence or control people and events people in conflicts often wield whatever power they have to overcome opposition and achieve their goals the more powerful tend to get what they want
serial argument process model
the course that serial arguments take is determined by the goals individuals possess, the approaches they adopt for dealing with the conflict, and the consequent perception of whether or not the conflict is resolvable when you enter into serial arguments with positive goals, they're more likely to use collaborative conflict strategies for dealing with the argument opposed to couples who do and end up using competitive strategies
Across 144 nations representing 90% of the population,
the gaps between women and men in terms of education and health have largely been close women now have 95% (percent) of the educational opportunities of men and 96% of the health and medical support women only have 58% of the economic opportunity and resources men share and a 23% of political representation
power derives from
the perception of power currencies, so people are granted power according to not only which power currency they possess but also the degree to which those power currencies are valued in a given culture
pseudo-conflict
the perception that a conflict exists when in fact it doesn't another risk posed by avoidance
Conflict
the process that occurs when people perceive that they have incompatible goals or that someone is interfering in their ability to achieve their objectives
Sepration
the sudden withdrawal of one person from the encounter; this resolution characteristic of approaching conflict through avoidance
integrative agreements
the two sides preserve and attain their goals by developing a creative solution to their problem to achieve integrative agreements, the parties must remain committed to their individual goals but be flexible on how it is achieved
4 features that characterize most conflicts
they begin with perception they involve clashes in goals or behaviors they unfold over time as a process they are dynamic
collaboration
treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge rather than something that must be avoided, accommodated, competed over, or reacted to
managing conflicts in close relationships present unique challenges
we feel connected to our partners, and disputes threaten that sense of connection your conflicts with loved ones are guaranteed to be intense and emotionally draining experiences conflicts powerfully affect your future encounters and relationships
Power is always present
we're not typically aware of this until people violate our expectations for power balance in the relationship, such as giving orders or talking down on us
intimacy currency
when you share a close bond with someone that no one else shares
most conflicts occur between people
who know each other and are involved in close relationships
why is accommodating and competition risker
you can't count on either as a constructive way to manage way to manage conflict for the long term difficult to predict outcomes