Chapter 10: Terminating Relationships

Criticism

Ad hominem attack - attacking your partner ("You are so selfish.")

Stonewalling

Complete withdrawal, lack of responses - tune out, act busy, ignore partner

voice

Discussing problems, compromising, seeking help, solutions for problems, trying to change (self/partner)

Ex: avoiding

Ex: "I have to work nights all this week" "I will not be home for dinner" "What time are you going"

Ex: Circumscribing Stage

Ex: "It's going to rain tomorrow" "Did you let the dog out yet" "I am not going to answer that because it will just lead to a fight"

Ex: Stagnating

Ex: "Oh, youre home" "What is the point of discussing this anymore" "I know. I know. the usual"

Ex: Differentiating Stage

Example "You always stare at my sister" "You are just so different from me" "I hate when you dont wash the dishes"

a lack of interpersonal Solidarity

Example: On Gilmore Girls, Rory Gilmore ultimately breaks up with her devoted boyfriend when his lack of interest in books and lack of drive to strive beyond the community college in their town runs contrary to her love for literature and dream to attend Harvard. This is an example of what?

Ex: terminating

Example: "I dont want to be in this relationship" "sorry but we cant date anymore" "Im moving out"

Ex: postive tone messages

Example: "I really like you as a person, but I do not feel as strongly about you, as you do me"

Ex: De-Escalation Messages

Example: "I think we need a break", or "My feelings for you have changed since the start of the relationship"

Negative Identity management

Example: the leaver may spark a disagreement with the partner to create an unpleasant situation and then suggest, "see this isnt working...we should see other people"

Neglect

Ignoring partner, spending less time together, refusing to discuss problems, criticizing partner, letting things fall apart

commitment

Lack of _____________ in a relationship can foster feelings of abandonment and loneliness

...

Note: appraisals of our relationship partner's intentions relate to how satisfied we are in the relationship. Researchers have identified a consistent link between the attributions or explanations about relationship partners' intentions and reported relationship satisfaction

Defensiveness

Responses defend or deflect back to the other person ("If getting there on time was so important to you, why didn't you call me 15 min. before and remind me?")

dissimilarity

Some may say, "opposites attract" but the truth is _______________ creates ore problems than solutions.

intimacy or closeness experienced in the relationship

The way that someone ends a friendship depends on what?

True

True/False couples who were most similar in educational plans, intelligence, and attractiveness were most likely to remain together, whereas couples that were different in the levels of these aspects were more likely to break up.

Contempt

V/NV responses - Sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, eye rolling ("Oh, of course you're tired, its not like you're the one working 70+ hrs. a week at two jobs.")

Loyalty

Waiting & hoping things will improve, "giving things time," praying for improvement

1. infidelity 2. lack of commitment 3. dissimilarity 4. outside pressures

What are four common reasons individuals leave romantic relationships?

1. not spending enough time together 2. not prioritizing the relationship 3. not valuing the others opinion 4. experiencing power struggles 5. not nurturing the maintenance and development of the relationship

What are some of the other ways to demonstrate and individuals lack of commitment

1. physical (holding hands) 2. sexual (kissing etc. ) 3. emotional (sharing intimate conversation)

What are three main forms infidelity can take on?

Infidelity

What is the most frequently cited cause of divorce?

1. friendship were less affection 2. friend or self changed 3. no longer participate in activites or spend time together 4. an increase in distance

What were some of the reasons for termminating a frienship?

lower relationship satisfaction

When relationship partners offer consistently negative attributions or explanations for a partner's behavior, they are more likely to report what?

outside pressure

_________ from friends, family, or occupations may negatively impact relationship satisfaction. EX: Family members may put pressure on romantic relationships when they ask questions like "When are you two getting married" or comments like "You should save your money for a house" and "I want to be a grandparent"

Trait autonomy

_______________, or the extent to which we are self-determined, is related to feelings of well being and security in relationships

negative identity management

a strategy which is used to hurry the disengagement process and has little consideration for the rejected partner is called _______________. Manipulation is often part of this tactic Ec: the leaver may spark a disagreement with the partner to create an unpleasant situation and then suggest, "see, this isnt working.... we should see other people"

de escalation messages

are less emotional that positive tone messages and typically provide a rationale for wanting to see less of the rejected partner

infidelity

can be defined as behaving in a way that crosses the perceived boundary and expectation of an exclusive relationship.

positive tone messages

created to ease the pain for the rejected partner. These messages have a strong emotional tone and usually imply that the leaver would like to see less of the other person but not entirely end the relationship.

Indirect methods

example of a method of ending a friendship calling the friend less, sending fewer emails, blocking the friend from your Buddy List or switching your screen name, and spending less time with the friend

direct methods

example of a method of ending a friendship ex: "I'm very busy with my new girlfriend and with work so I cannot hang out with you every weekend"

interpersonal solidarity

feelings of closeness between people that develop as a result of shared sentiments, similarities and intimate behaviors

termination

fifth stage of relationship dissolution marks the end of the relationship. Relationship partners may choose to divorce the partner, move out, or call an end to any type of formal or contractual commitment with the partner. When partners do communicate during this phase they make attempts to put physical and or psychological distance btw. themselves and their relationship partner.

differentiating stage

first stage of relationship dissolution: partners highlight their differences, individuals use more "I" and "me" statements. in this stage partners may engage in a great deal of conflict that often emphasizes all of the ways they differ from one another Example: if someone says she likes eating out, the partner expresses a preference for cooking at home.

Exit

formally separating, moving out, deciding to be "just" friends, divorcing

grave dressing

fourth relationship termination phase in which partners typically "dress up" the dead relationship by promoting a positive image of their role in their particular version of the relationship. Refers to officially burying the relationship Ex: some people in this stage will have a ceremonial buying phase by burning pictures and returning, giving away, or selling items give to them by their "ex"

avoiding

fourth stage of relationship dissolution during this stage relationship partners will actively fill their schedules to get around seeing their partners EX: relationship partners will arrive early to work and come home late in an effort to avoid one another

intrapsychic phase

initial phase in the relationship termination process in which the leaver spends considerable time contemplating whether the relationship is worth saving.

reframing

is a psychological process in which you change the way you look at the romantic termination in order to foster a more productive resolution. Example: if you are angy and hurt that your partner cheated on you, you may reframe the event by thinking about how dishonest the partner was.

withdrawal or avoidance

refers to actively spending less time with the person. This strategy is very indirect and can affect the individuals' ability to maintain a friendship in the future.

Social Exchange Theory

refers to an assessment of costs and rewards in determining the value of pursuing or continuing a relationship

Dyadic phase

second relationship termination phase in which the leaver officially announces to the partner that he or she is leaving or thinking of leaving . Characterized by long talks and rationalizations of how the partnership "got to this place"

circumscribing

second stage of relationship dissolution. during this stage, the communication btw. the relationship partners is often described as restricted, controlled, or constrained. Example: Akin to the "dont talk about politics or religion" standard, relationship partners choose to talk about safe topics that will not lead to some type of arguments

increases decreases

solidarity _____________ as relationships become more intimate and it ______________ as relationships turn toward termination

Equity Theory

suggests that couples are happiest in relationships when there is a balance of inputs and outputs. If you perceive you are receiving too little from the relationship compared to what you are contributing this will impact your satisfaction

Justification Tactic

tactic has 3 important elements 1. the relationship partner states that he or she needs to stop seeing the other person 2. the relationship partner provides a reason for ending the relationship with the other person 3. relationship partner recognizes that the relationship is not salvageable and may even become worse if the relationship continues. Ex: "This relationship is not giving me what I need so we need to stop seeing each other"

Costs in friendships may be characterized as "toxic" behaviors such as:

the extent to which a friend may be controlling demanding depressing self absorbed deceitful and unfair

self determination theory

theory that suggests that people have an innate psychological need to feel autonomous or self governing in ones behavior. In other words we want to feel free to choose our own path in relationships rather than be coerced or presured into certain behaviors

social phase

third relationship termination phase in which the relationship termination is focused less on the relationship and more on the relationship partners friends and family. For example. the question, what are we going to tell people? is often negotiated in this phase

Stagnating

third stage of relationship dissolution. this stage is often described as two people who are merely going through the motions in their relationship b.c. their communication has come to a virtual standstill

indirect methods

type of method used to end a friendship that works best if your goal is to decrease the intensity of the friendship by increasing the emotional and physical distance between you and your friend.

direct methods

type of method used to end a frienship that works best if your friend does not recognize the intent of your indirect attempts or if you are interested in terminating the frienship abruptly