Comm 2: FINAL Study Guide

What is conflict?

An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals

The challenge is to handle conflicts well when they do arise. Effective communication during conflicts can actually keep good relationships strong.

Conflict Can Be Beneficial

Judgemental statements that, which are likely to interpret as indicating a lack of regard. Expresses: "You language" Example: "You don't know what you're talking about!" "This place is a mess!"

Evaluation

Are loaded with cliches and statements that never truly respond to the speaker.

Impersonal responses

The parties in conflict are usually dependent on each other.

Interdependence

A lack of concern and implies that the welfare of the other person isn't very important to you.

Neutrality

Both partners use the same behaviors.

Symmetrical Conflict Style

Conversational "takeaways" other person uses speaker's comments as a starting point for a shift to a different topic.

Tangential responses

List the 5 conflict styles and explain each.

1. Avoiding (lose/lose): Ignore the problem at hand. 2. Accommodating (lose/win): Submits to a situation rather than attempt to have their need met. 3. Competing (win/lose): High concern for self, low concern for others. 4. Compromising (Partial loe/lose): Gives both people at least of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. 5. Collaborating (win/win): High concern for themselves and others.

What are the 4 factors to consider when selecting a conflict style?

1. The relationship 2. The situation 3. The other person 4. Your goals

Occurs when you allow others to have their way rather than asserting your own point of view. Low concern for themselves and high concern for others, which results in "lose-win", "we'll do it your way" outcomes.

Accommodating (lose/win)

Contain messages with more than one meaning, leaving the other party unsure of the responder's position. Example: "I'd like to get together with you soon. How about Tuesday? "Uh, maybe so, talk to you later"

Ambiguous responses

What are conflict rituals?

An unacknowledged repeating pattern of interlocking behavior used by participants in a conflict.

_______ is especially important in the early stages of a relationship. The more physically attractive the person, the more he or she is seen as desirable. (social skills and intelligence don't affect the decision) Online profile owners were viewed more positively when they have pictures of physically attractive friends on their sites.

Appearance

Speaking your mind in a clear, direct, yet nonthreatening assertive way that expresses your needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly without judging or dictating to others. Enhances you skills when speaking on your hopes, problems, complaints, and appreciations.

Assertive Message Format

Ignore issues rather than confront them, acknowledge they have conflict, but handle them quickly and dispassionately.

Avoidant

A stage of relational deterioration immediately before terminating in which the parties minimize contact with one another. Physical distance between each other, happens both indirectly and directly. Example: "Please don't call me; I don't want to see you now."

Avoiding

Occurs when people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict. Can be both physical (steering clear away from a friend after an argument) or conversational (changing the topic). Reflects that there is no good way to resolve the issue, believe it's better to quit than to keep facing the same issues without hope of a solution. Having a low concern for both Results in a (lose/lose) as no party gets what it wants.

Avoiding (lose/lose)

Communicators recognize that both forces are legitimate and try to manage them through compromise.

Balance

Describes the raw material to which you react. Should be objective, describing an event without interpreting it. Describing facts, without attaching meaning to the message.

Behavioral Description

A stage of relational development in which the parties make symbolic public gestures to show that their relationship exists. Public commitment, such as engagement or marriage, sharing a residence, public ceremony, or a written or verbal pledge. The turning point in the relationship, they do not need to be romantic. The peak of the "coming together" phase.

Bonding

Communicators who regard their own opinions with certainty while disregarding the ideas of others.

Certainty

The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. Has value to your personal character, decide what you will do to the information.

Cognitive Dissonance

Seeks win-win solutions to conflict. Show a high concern for both themselves and others. Focus on solving issues as "our way". The goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved. Creates a way of resolving your conflicts that everyone can live with comfortably.

Collaborating (win/win)

This "win/lose" approach to conflict involves high concern for self and low concern for others. Resolves conflicts "my way". Either I get what I want or you get what you want. Power is the distinguishing characteristic in a win/lose problem solving because it is necessary to defeat ann opponent to get what one wants.

Competing (win/lose)

The partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors.

Complementary Conflict Style

Gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. Negotiate a solution that gives them some of what they want, but it also leaves everybody losing something. (partial loss/loss) Neither of you get everything you want, but the outcome will leave both of you satisfied.

Compromising (partial loss/loss)

An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

Conflict

Usually acknowledged but very real patterns of interlocking behavior. Develops over a patterned behavior or repeat interactions over time. Can cause problems when they become the only way relational partners handle their conflicts. Can become familiar and comfortable, but they aren't always the best ways to resolve the various conflicts that are part of any relationship.

Conflict Rituals

Every relationship has conflict. Even though conflict is part of a meaningful relationship you can change the way you deal with it.

Conflict is Natural

An explanation of the results that follow either the behavior of the person to whom the message is addressed or the speaker's interpretation of the addressee's behavior. Describes what happens to the speaker, the addressee, or others.

Consequence Statements

Your partner has just as much right as you to feel satisfied, and if you expect help in meeting your needs, its reasonable that you behave in the same way. It's in your own self-interest to discover and meet your partner's needs.

Consider your partners point of view

A comment that belittles and demeans. It can take the form of name-calling put-downs ("You're a real jerk") or sarcastic barbs ("Oh that was brilliant"). Can be communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls or disgusted sighs. Example: "At least I have better math skills than a first grader. Way to go, einstein."

Contempt

When a sender seems to be imposing solution on the receiver with little regard for the receiver's needs or interests. The controller generates hostility wherever he or she goes. Example: "I know what's best for you, and if you do as I say, we'll get along."

Control

Attacks on a person's character. Example: "You overdrew our account again - can't you do anything right?

Criticism

Individualistic: United States, the goals, rights, and needs of each person are considered important. (Competitive in the U.S.) Collectivist: Cultures are more concerned with the group than those of any individual. Difference between high and low context culture styles. Low context culture represents the U.S. are more direct and literal. High context culture are self-resistant and avoid confrontation.

Culture

Collectivist Cultures - Communicate differently between in-groups (family & friends) and with their out-groups (do not reach out to outsiders, hides info about in-group members). Individualistic Cultures - Few distinctions between personal relationships and casual ones, willing to disclose personal info to strangers)

Culture and Intimacy

A reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility. Example: "Hey don't blame me - you're the one who spends most of the money."

Defensiveness

The process of protecting our presenting self, our face. Erodes relationship stability. Feel most defensive when criticism is right on target.

Defensiveness

Communicators respond to one end of the dialectical spectrum and ignore the other.

Denial

Your partner can't possibly meet your needs without knowing why you're upset and what you want. It's important to make sure that your partner has understood what you've said. Be absolutely sure your partner understands your whole message before going any further.

Describe your problem and needs

Focuses on the speaker's thoughts and feelings instead of judging the other person. Example: "I don't understand how you came up with that idea" "When you don't clean up, I have to either do it or live with your mess. That's why I'm mad!"

Description

Inherent conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously. They suggest that they struggle to manage these dialectical tensions creates the most powerful dynamics in relational communication.

Dialectical Tensions

A relational stage in which the parties reestablish their individual identities after having bonded together. The point where the "we" orientation that has developed shifts, and more "me" messages begin to occur. Conversations now focus on what "I" want to do, change plays an important role in this stage. Occurs at the first, inevitable feelings of stress.

Differentiating

Helps build liking, comes from learning how we are similar, either in experiences or in attitudes (sign of regard). It suggests that others respect and trust you, vital as the relationships develop beyond their earliest stages. The key to satisfying self-disclosure is reciprocity: getting back an amount and kind of information equivalent to that which you reveal.

Disclosure

Messages that show a lack of regard. Disregarding or ignoring some important part of that person's message. Examples: "I don't care about you," "I don't like you," "You're not important to me."

Disconfirming communication

Communicators feel overwhelmed and helpless that they are unable to confront their problems. They might fight, freeze, or even leave the relationship.

Disorientation

The third dimension of intimacy (exchanging important feelings). Sharing personal information can both reflect and create feelings of closeness (therapeutic closeness).

Emotional

Accepting another's feelings and putting yourself in another's place. Letting the person know if you care and respect, you'll be acting in a supportive way. Empathetic: "Ouch-looks like this didn't turn out the way you expected."

Empathy

Although they may have a greater talent in certain areas, they see others as having just as much worth as human beings. Example: Equal: "I see it a different way."

Equality

An early stage in relational development consisting of a search for common ground. If the experimentation is successful, then the relationship will progress to intensifying. If not, it may go no further. Decide whether we are interested in pursuing the relationship further (Small Talk). Find out what interests we share, and is a safe way of easing into a relationship. Example: Where are you from? What's your major?

Experimenting

A conflict can exist only when both parties are aware of a disagreement. A dirty look, the silent treatment, and avoiding the other person are all ways of expressing oneself. Both parties must know that a problem exists before they're in conflict.

Expressed struggle

An expression of the sender's emotions that results from interpretation of sense data.

Feeling Statements

Women are better than men at developing and maintaining intimate relationships. Women are more willing than men to share their thoughts and feelings. Female-female relationships are at the top of the disclosure list. Emotional expression is not the only way to develop close relationships.

Feminine Intimacy Styles

Early messages we receive shapes whom we will become in the future. Attachment theory: Either secure or insecure attachment with family members.

Formative

Men are more likely to be aggressive, demanding, and competitive whereas females are more likely to be cooperative. Men are direct, women are indirect) Both men and women are more likely to respond aggressively when attacked by the other person. The individual style of each communicator and the nature of the relationship are more important than the gender in shaping the way he or she handles conflict.

Gender

"It's the thought that counts" A gift needn't be expensive to be meaningful. The best ones are the type that the recipient will appreciate.

Gifts

Seek harmony, avoid conflict, foster interdependence, and gain obedience, are often hierarchical, some members have more authority than others.

High conformity orientation

Communicating to express affection and pleasure, and to relax. When conflicts arise, they find solutions that work for all members. Children who grow up in these families have a greater number of interpersonal skills in their later relationships.

High conversation orientation

It's important to realize that the problem that is causing conflict is yours, because in each case you are the person who "owns" the problem - the one who is dissatisfied. Next step is to identify the unmet needs that make you dissatisfied, plays a key role in solving interpersonal problems.

Identify your problem and unmet needs

Don't acknowledge the other person's message, getting no response.

Impervious Messages

Contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other. Often at least one of these messages is nonverbal. Example: "Darling I love you" "I love you, too" (said in monotone while watching t.v.)

Incongruous responses

The first stage in relational development in which the parties express interest in one another. Usually brief, handshakes, remarks about subjects like the weather, and friendly expressions; creates a sense of we're interested in building a relationship with the other person. Is the opening stage for all relationships.

Initiating

A description of where the speaker stands on an issue, what he or she wants, or how he or she plans to act in the future.

Intention Statements

Conflict won't occur until the participants act in ways that prevent on another from reaching their goals.

Interference from the other party

Describes the meaning you've attached to the other person's behavior. They are subjective, attach more than one behavior to an interpretation.

Interpretation Statement

Speaking before the other person has finished talking can show a lack of concern about what the other person has to say, repeatedly interrupting a speaker can be both discouraging and irritating.

Interrupting

A comment unrelated to what the other person has just said.

Irrelevant respones

Characterized by individuality, independence, and equality. The interests of each family member are more important than those of the family as a whole.

Low conformity orientation

Interact less, and there are fewer exchanges of private thoughts.

Low conversation orientation

After you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try to solve it. If it isn't the right time to confront your partner, then find a time that's agreeable to both of you.

Make a Date

Men express intimacy through shared activities and by doing things for and with others. It's the gender role that a particular man adopts.

Masculine Intimacy Styles

Transgressions in small doses can actually aid relationships. An example, distance can make the heart grow fonder. But in larger doses, can potentially damage personal relationships.

Minor v. Significant

Now that you and your partner understand each other's needs, the goal becomes finding a way to meet them. Evaluating them to decide which one best meets everyone's needs. 1. Identify and define the conflict (discovering each problem and needs). 2. Generate a number of possible solutions (work together). 3. Evaluate the alternative solutions (everyone has to support it). 4. Decide on the best solution (best for everyone one).

Negotiate a situation

The most obvious transgressions occur in a single episode: an act of betrayal , a verbal assault, or stalking out in anger. More subtle transgressions can happen over time, where withdrawal can become pervasive.

One-Time v. Incremental

The tension between the need for disclosure and the need for secrecy in a relationship. Even the strongest interpersonal relationships require some distance.

Open v.s. Privacy

Talking directly about the nature of the relationship and disclosing your personal needs and concerns.

Openness

Both partners shift between complementary and symmetrical patterns from one issue to another.

Parallel Conflict Style

All conflicts look as if one's party's gain would be another's loss. As long as they perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive, a conflict exists.

Perceived Incompatible Goals

Conflicts also exist when people believe there isn't enough of something to go around. Examples: Money and time are considered a scarce commodity.

Perceived Scarce Resources

The first dimension of intimacy (closeness & develops as we age). Children are nourished by being rocked, fed, hugged, and held. As we grow older is less shown, but still important.

Physical

Sexual activity, meaningful touch of affection including arm around the shoulder, a held hand, a neck rub.

Physical Touch

Families high in conversation orientation and low in conformity orientation. Communication in these families is open and unrestrained, with all family members' contributions elevated on their own merits, becomes the daughter's decision in the end.

Pluralistic

Keeping the relational climate polite and upbeat, and also avoiding criticism.

Positivity

The tension between the need for stability and the need for change in a relationship. Nobody wants a completely unpredictable relational partner, too many surprises can threaten the foundations upon which the relationship is based ("You're not the person I married") Juggling the desire for predictability with the desire for novelty that keeps the relationship fresh and interesting.

Predictability v.s. Novelty

Focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their needs and those of the others involved. Work out some arrangement in which everybody feels like a winner. Expresses: "we" language, making decisions together.

Problem orientation

Families low in conversation and high in conformity orientation. Emphasizes obedience to authority and the reluctance to share thoughts and feelings. The parents decide, and their decision would be final.

Protective

People who have strong opinions but are willing to acknowledge that they don't have a corner on the truth and will change their stance if another position seems more reasonable. Provisional speakers say perhaps, maybe, possibly, might, and could. They know people respond better to open-minded messages. Example: Provisional: "I think you'll run into problems with that approach."

Provisionalism

We are likely to develop relationships with people we interact with frequently. People in close proximity may be more similar to us than those who are not close. Example: Develop friendships with close neighbors than with distant ones.

Proximity

Being present and available for your partner, giving them complete, undivided attention for a significant period of time.

Quality Time

Acknowledges that dialectical tensions will never disappear, accept or even embrace the challenges that the tensions present (Roller coaster ride).

Reaffirmation

Communicators can respond to dialectical challenges by reframing them so that the apparent contradiction disappears.

Recalibration

We like people who like us (strong in the early stages of a relationship). Attracted to people who we believe are attracted to us. People who approve of us bolster our feelings of self-esteem. One might think the other person's supposed liking is counterfeit - an insecure device to get something from you.

Reciprocal Attraction

One partner's violation of the explicit terms of the relationship, letting the other one down in some important way.

Relational Transgressions

A pattern of managing disagreements. Depends on how the couple interacts, and are constructive.

Relational conflict style

Although the general elements of relationships are universal, the particulars often differ from one culture to another. Similarities may remain, but culture shapes the particulars. The Western notion of romance and marriage is reflected in the model of relational stages described earlier doesn't apply everywhere. Differing notions of appropriateness could lead to challenges in intercultural relationships.

Relationships Are Affected by Culture

Richard Conville describes the constantly changing, evolving nature of relationships as a cycle in which partners move through a series of stages, returning to ones they previously encountered although through a new level. (Never set, different each time) In this cycle, partners move from security to disintegration, alienation, to resynthesis, and to a new level of security. This process is constantly repeating.

Relationships Are Constantly Changing

A set of expectations about how we communicate. (Each family member has their own roles and expectations) When family members communicate according to role expectations, communication is likely to run smoothly. Problems can arise when roles are challenged, (Children should be seen but not heard). Children are labeled by other family members. Family roles can change as both parents and children grow older.

Role Driven

Partners who use this tactic compartmentalize different areas of their relationship.

Segmentation

Being invested in each other's friends, family, and loved ones.

Social Networks

We often seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them.

Social exchange Theory

Some transgressions violate social rules, ridiculing or humiliating a friend or family member in public is a violation of a fundamental social rule regarding saving others' face. Relational transgressions, unique norms constructed by the family involved, failure to honor such a rule feels as a violation.

Social v. Relational

Being honest with others rather than manipulating them. Can be a strategy too, use honesty to win someone's trust or sympathy. (This can lead to less trust in the future). Example: Spontaneity - "I have a piano I need to move Friday after work. Can you give me a hand?"

Spontaneity

A stage of relational deterioration characterized by declining enthusiasm and by standardized forms of behavior. The partners behave in old, familiar ways without much feeling. The relationship is a hollow shell of its former self.

Stagnating

When one person in a relationship withdraws from interaction, shutting down dialogue-and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way. It sends a disconfirming "You don't matter" message to the other person. Example: "Whatever." (said while walking out of the room)

Stonewalling

Any message that suggests, "I'm better than you". The content of the message, talking loudly and slowly, not listening, and varying speaking pitch convey a patronizing attitude.

Superiority

The concluding stage of relational deterioration, characterized by the acknowledgement of one or both parties that the relationship is over. Summary dialogues of where the relationship has gone and the desire to dissociate. The relationship is redefined. "Grave Dressing", retrospective attempts to explain why the relationship failed.

Terminating

When the other person isn't willing or able to collaborate.

The other person

When someone else clearly has more power than you, accommodating may be the best approach. Example: Boss

The relationship

Different situations call for different conflict styles.

The situation

Openly and cooperatively manage conflicts. They listen carefully to each other and look for collaborative solutions to their problems.

Validating

Intense and heated arguments over small issues. Conflicts for these couples are often seen as contests to be won.

Volatile

Compliments, words of praise, verbal support, written notes or letters. People are easily hurt by insults or when their efforts aren't verbally acknowledged.

Words of Affirmation

Sometimes overriding concern may be to calm down an enraged or upset person.

Your goals

A stage of relational deterioration in which partners begin to reduce the scope of their contact and commitment to one another. Communication decreases in quantity and quality. A shrinking interest and commitment. Members opt for withdrawal; either mental (silence, daydreaming, fantasizing) or physical (people spend less time together.) Example: "my friends" "your friends"

Circumscribing

The emotional tone of a relationship. The way people feel about and treat each other as they carry out those activities. Both positive and negative. People can change their communication climates.

Communication Climate

We like to be around talented people. We are uncomfortable around people who are too competent. People are generally attracted to those who are talented but who have visible flaws that show that they are human, just like us.

Competence

"Opposites attract", differences strengthen a relationship when each partners characteristics satisfy the others needs. More likely to be attracted when one partner is dominant and the other passive. Successful couples find ways to keep a balance between their similarities and differences, adjusting to the changes that occur over the years. Ex: "You make the final decisions about money" "I'll decide how we ought to decor the place"

Complementarity

Messages that convey value. - Recognition - Acknowledgment (listening/eye contact) - Endorsement (Agreement/importance/talk highly) Examples: "You matter"& "You're important"

Confirming communication

How strongly a family enforces the uniformity of attitudes, values, and beliefs.

Conformity Orientation

The tension between the need for integration and the need for independence in a relationship. We seek out involvement with others, but at the same time, we are unwilling to sacrifice others entire identity to even the most satisfying relationship. The most common reasons for relational breakups involve failure of partners to satisfy each other's needs for connection.

Connection v.s. Autonomy

A family high in both conversation orientation and conformity orientation. Parents will hear their daughter out about her tattoo, will offer advice, but will be the parents decision in the end.

Consensual

How open families are to discussing a range of topics including religion, sex, politics, personal histories, and feelings of each family member.

Conversation Orientation

A stage of relational development in which the parties begin to take on a single identity. Relationship strengthens and becomes a social unit. The individuals give up characteristics and develop shared identities. Example: "Sure, we'll spend time Thanksgiving with your family."

Integrating

Communicators simultaneously accept opposing forces without trying to diminish them.

Integration

The second dimension of intimacy: Exchanging topics, thoughts, sharing of information When you engage another person in an exchange of important ideas, a kind of closeness develops that can be powerful and exciting.

Intellectual

A stage of relational development that precedes integrating in which the parties move toward integration by increasing the amount of contact and the breadth and depth of self disclosure. The expression of feelings for the other becomes more common. Spending more time together, doing favors, affection, hinting, flirting, express feelings nonverbally, getting to know family and friends, and participating in shared activities.

Intensifying

A state of closeness arising from physical, intelectual, or emotional contact or sometimes from shared activities.

Intimacy

You can't choose your parents, siblings, or other relatives. Family members may be estranged, but they will always be family. A committed couple is tied to three families: the one they create and the family of origin for each partner.

Involuntary

Families low in both conversation and conformity orientation ("hands off") Family members lack of involvement with each other, and decision making is individual. ("You do you") Daughter would not bring up the topic before making a decision. Parents have little to say whether she should or shouldn't get the tattoo, "whatever" response.

Laissez-Faire

What are relational conflict styles? Explain the 3 styles.

Relational Conflict styles: A pattern of managing disagreements. 1. Complementary: use different but mutually reinforcing conflict styles. 2. Symmetrical: Use the same tactics. 3. Parallel: Partners approach varies from situation to situation.

Maintaining Interpersonal Relationships Communication aimed at keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily.

Relational Maintenance

The fourth dimension of intimacy (sharing experiences with others creates intimacy) Examples include working side by side at a job, working out together, invent private codes, fool around by acting like other people, tease one another, physical challenges & athletics.

Shared Activities

Helping one another take care of life's chores and obligations.

Sharing Tasks

Taking out the trash, filing the car with gas, doing laundry are examples of services to please your significant other.

Acts of Service

Communicators choose one end of the dialectical spectrum at some times and the other end at other times.

Alternation

Letting the other person know both verbally and nonverbally that he or she matters to you and that you are committed to the relationship.

Assurances

Unintentional transgresion, revealing something about a friend's past without realizing that the disclosure would be embarrassing. Intentional transgression, purposely lash out with a cruel comment knowing it will hurt the other person's feeling.

Deliberate v. Unintentional

Social Exchange Theory, relationships suffer when one partner feels "underbenfited." Rewards may be tangible (a nice place to live, high paying job) or intangible (prestige, emotional support, companionship). Costs are undesirable outcomes (unpleasant work, emotional pain, and so on). If the costs of seeking and maintaining an intimate relationship are too great or the payoffs are not worth the effort, we may decide to withdraw.

Rewards

We like people who are similar to us (mutual friends, enjoying same sports, liking same social activities). Perceived similarities often create attraction (ego support). We are attracted to those who's language style is similar to our own. Similar values in politics and religion are the best predictors of mate choice (not appearance or personality traits).

Similarity