Interpersonal Communication Ch 12: Managing Conflict

seven step approach from weider-hatfield/raider

1. define your needs -- may be below the surface; ask a third person for their perspective on the conflict 2. share your needs with the other person -- choose the best time/place; use i language instead of you language 3. listen to the other's needs -- paraphrase each other and be aware of defensiveness 4. generate possible solutions -- brainstorm 5. evaluate solutions and choose the best one 6. implement the solution -- what seems like a good idea might not be a good solution in everyday life 7. follow up on the solution -- check in with one another

conflict

an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

conflict styles

avoidance (lose lose) accommodation (lose win) competition (win lose) compromise (negotiated lose lose) collaboration (win win) which style to use?

escalatory spiral

both partners treat each other with hostility, one threat and insult leads to another

symmetrical conflict

both people use the same tactics. both couples do the same thing. ex. confront against confront.

conflict in relational systems

complementary and symmetrical conflict toxic conflict: the four horsemen conflict rituals

parallel conflict

couples alternate between complementary and symmetrical depending on the issue

toxic conflict

criticism defensiveness contempt stonewalling

defensiveness

deny responsibility for something and blame someone else for something

what is conflict?

expressed struggle perceived incompatible goals perceived scarce resources interdependence inevitabiltiy

competition

flip side of accommodation. a win lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others.

variables in conflict styles

gender culture

compromise

gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. collective cultures prefer this.

de-escalatory spiral

if partners both withdraw from one another instead of facing their problems, the satisfaction and vitality ebb from the relationship

direct aggression

lashes out to attack the source of displeasure. nine types: character attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, maledictions, teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, nonverbal emblems

passive aggression

occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner

avoidance

occurs when people ignore or stay away from conflict

accomodation

occurs when we allow others to have their own way rather than asserting our own point of view. collective cultures prefer this.

complementary conflict

partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors. one person is usually dominant and the other submissive.

competition (win lose)

passive aggression direct aggression individualistic cultures prefer the competing conflict style. studies find euro americans accepting of conflcit in relationships while mexican americans were more aware of long/short term dangers of conflict.

criticism

personally attacking someone's character. "you" language.

collective cultures

prefer accommodating and compromising. chinese and taiwanese prefer persuading others via hinting, setting an example, and agreeing strategically to please others. japanese social concept of wa (social harmony) influences the culture and its avoidance of conflict.

USA conflict culture

prefers legal resolution to conflicts more than other cultures. the USA has 1 lawyer per ever 275 people. Japan has 1 lawyer per every 4k people. China has 1 lawyer per every 6.5k people.

collaboration

seeks win win solutions to conflict. involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way" but "our way." high emotional intelligence leads to collaboration.

contempt

small, unimportant, insignificant

win win problem solving

the goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved. not only do partners avoid trying to win at each other's expense, there is a high belief that working together can provide a solution in which all reach their goals without needing to compromise.

which style to use?

the situation the other person your goals

stonewalling

trying to stop communication from happening

conflict ritual

unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior. becomes a problem when relational partners habitually handle conflict that way.

gender in conflict styles

women -- maintaining relationship approaches men -- compete male peers and avoid conflict with females we over-perceive differences.