PSY 442 pt 4

Gunnysacking example

"You did this thing five years ago that I hate!"

Kitchen sinking example

"You smell bad, you're inconsiderate, AND you don't shower."

Off beaming example

"You're not doing what I ask right now, you're just like your mother and always take her side."

Mind reading example

"You're only feeling this way because..."

Sabotage example

A spouse does not want to host a dinner party, so s/he acts rude or bored to ruin the evening.

SAR definition

A story/anecdote that is used to illustrate one or more personal assets that are relevant to a prospective person's needs. An effective SAR has three elements: situation, actions, and results.

Clarify the real issue

Always check your perceptions. Try to understand what the other person is telling you from his/her point of view. Repeat the message you think you received (paraphrase) and ask if you understood correctly. Reflect the feelings you thought you heard.

Competitiveness example

Arguing to win, not to resolve

Mind reading definition

Assume you know what the other person is thinking, and hence, you do not allow the other person to express his/her own feelings/thoughts.

Collaboration example

Both partners feel validated after a disagreement

Triangulating definition

Bringing another person into the conflict

Betlinier example

Bringing up an abortion your partner had years ago when you know she is extremely sensitive about it.

Kitchen sinking definition

Bringing up many issues at once; everything but the kitchen sink is added to the argument.

General considerations about conflict

Conflict is a process. All relationships experience conflict. Conflict is not necessarily bad Conflict can be diffused at any time. Conflict may keep a relationship from collapse and may result in a stronger relationship It is not the existence of conflict that is problematic for the family, it is the methods of managing and resolving conflicts that are important One style of conflict resolution will not work in all situations. Children often model their parents' conflict strategies. Couples establish their own unique conflict within the first two years of marriage

Double bind overview

Conflicting messages are given that negate each other o the double bind creates a dilemma where following/obeying one message/directive means the other message/disrective is disobeyed Hence, no matter what the person does, s/he will be wrong Double binds are especially frustrating when a person cannot confront or common the contradiction, and hence, cannot resolve or avoid the dilemma

Gameplaying definition

Covering up motives and trying to trick others into doing things.

Criticism definition

Criticism refers to making disapproving judgments and/or negative evaluations about a partner. It is an attack of the person's character. Pervasive criticism will often lead to contempt. For alternative, the complaint should focus on a specific behavior instead of criticizing the person

Focus on the issue and focus on the present

Deal with only one issue at a time. Do not introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. Validate the issue, and praise your partner for correcting themselves

Things not to do during an interview

Do not arrive late Do not accept something to eat or drink, unless it is a lunch/dinner interview. If it is a lunch/dinner interview, order simple foods. Do not drink any alcoholic beverages, even if your prospective has a drink, pass anyways Do not bring someone with you to the interview Do not correct the interviewer if he/she mispronounces a word. Avoid using the word in the interview Do not ask what the organization does Do not bring and read notes Do not take notes Do not look at your watch or phone Do not give long meandering responses Do not indicate you have all the organization's answers Do not be a "yes" person Do not pretend to know things you do not Do not focus on your need for the job Do not linger after the interview

Make sure that good relationships are first priority

Do your best to treat the other person calmly and courteously. Try to build mutual respect. Always think, if one loses, we both lose. The idea is not to win but to come to a mutually satisfying and peaceful solution to the issue.

Magic Ratio

Engage in at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction

Body language

Exhibit positive body language regarding past jobs that says, "I am proud of where I have worked." Have good posture, do not rest head on hands, tap fingers or feet. Do not give limp handshakes or a knuckle grinder

Benedict Arnold definition

Failing to defend partner from other attackers and/or encouraging ridicule from others outside of relationship.

Disengagement example

Getting into a fight, yelling at someone, then abruptly walking away with no resolution.

Accommodation definition

Having a concern for cooperating with others and meeting their needs at the expense of their own needs. This person can be persuaded to surrender a position even when it is not necessary.

Avoidance definition

Having a low concern for self and for others and seeks to evade the conflict entirely. This person often has low assertiveness and low cooperation.

Defensiveness example

I didn't mow the lawn because you didn't tell me to mow the lawn. I am not a mind reader!

Disqualification example

I only said I hate your mother because I was in a bad mood. I didn't really mean it

Manage the physical environment

If the conversation starts in a more public place, suggest a more private place. Eliminate distractions. Eliminate distractions. Let the other person go outside for a few minutes to 'cool off'

Belligerance example

If you can't come home to eat dinner, then I guess I can move out and find someone who would actually like to eat dinner with me.

Research results

In stable couples, the amount of positive affect in the conflict was the only variable that consistently predicted marital happiness and marital stability. Anger was not the most destructive emotion in marriages. Contempt was the strongest predictor of divorce.

Mirror questions example

Interviewer: Do you like to travel? Candidate: What kind of travel does this position require?

Off beaming definition

Jumping from topic to topic and never letting one topic get resolved before moving to another.

Things to do during an interview

Know the organization's purpose, strengths, problems, major products Know the names of the key people in the organization Know current facts or news that relate to the organization Bring a minimum of materials, do not carry a briefcase or purse Know what points you want to make Be prepared to ask insightful questions, Give a firm handshake. make sure to offer hand. do not crunch the other's person hands. Avoid discussions of race, religion, and politics Listen carefully to questions and respond only to what is asked. Display loyalty. Never "bad mouth" former employees and colleagues Treat all people courteously. Receptionists and/or administrative assistants can make or break you Send a short thank you letter immediately after the interview

Listening

Listen first; talk second. Face each other with an open body posture

Mirror questions definitions

Mirror an open ended question back to the interviewer that relates to the question the interviewer asked you. This question should be open-ended so the person will give you information about why he asked the question. This technique is used when it is not known why the question is asked or if the question is so general that perceptions could be misunderstood. This technique answers a question with a question.

Gameplaying example

Not calling, even though you want to talk, just to see if your partner will call first.

Gunnysacking definition

Not responding immediately when angry. Instead, the person puts resentments into an imaginary gunnysack with other complaints. When the sack fills up and bursts, the person pours out all pent-up aggressions onto partner.

Stonewalling example

O h my gosh, how many times do we have to go over this. If you are going to bring this up again, I am going to the bar.

Contempt example

Once again, you FORGOT to take out the trash? Do you have dementia or are you just freaking lazy?!?!

Double bind example

Parents says, "I want you to get a college degree, but I don't want you to move away," in a town that has no universities nearby.

Trivial tyrannizer example

Playing loud music when you know the other person is trying to sleep or study.

Accommodation example

Saying "sorry" so the other person doesn't feel hurt, but you don't actually know what you're apologizing for

Denial example

Saying I'm okay when you are not okay.

Use good timing

Set a time for a discussion that is as soon as possible, and agreeable to all parties involved. Discuss issues when you are along with your partner in private rather than in public, you and your partner have sufficient time to talk and you and your partner are rested and generally feel good. Bringing up something when the other person is unprepared may result in more defensiveness because the other person may feel attacked.

Compromise definition

Solving conflict by partially meeting needs of each person; everyone can accept the solution. Everyone is expected to give up something. High concern for self, less concern for others

Competitiveness definition

Taking a firm stand; knows what they want. This person often operates from a position of power (e.g., position, rank, expertise, or persuasive ability). This person uses aggressiveness to get what one wants; low interest in cooperation.

Displacement example

Taking out anger on someone or something else.

Pseudomutuality definition

The family/couple establishes patterns of behavior to appear happy and harmonious because they are not allowed to have conflict and/or they ignore the conflict.

First impressions

The first impression is critical. You never get a chance to make another first impression.

Disengagement definition

To avoid interacting with each other as a way to cause the other person pain.

Disqualification definition

To cover up an emotion revealed earlier.

Guilt making definition

To make others feel responsible for your pain.

Triangulating example

Trying to get the 3rd person to take your side.

Collaboration definition

Trying to meet the needs of all people involved; high level of concern for others as well as self. Everyone feels they won; no one feels they had to compromise what they want

Beltliner definition

When a person intentionally brings up a sensitive subject to cause the other person pain. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates distrust, anger, and vulnerability.

Trivial tyrannizer definition

When one does trivial things to annoy another person.

Criticism example

You always come home late, so I always have to eat by myself. You obviously think other things are more important than spending time with me. You are so uncaring!

Displacement definition

You are having a bad day at work, and then you come home and kick the dog.

Benedict Arnold example

You're friend: "your boyfriend is such a loser." You: "Yeah, he really is"

Guilt making example

Your rude behavior has made me so upset and depressed.

hit and run tactic

a type of stonewalling., bringing up a grievance or complaint and then leaving no time to discuss an answer or get resolution

Beligerance definition

an honorary horseman. refers to expressing anger and frustration in threatening and/or aggressive manners. Those who are belligerent will engage in little compromise and often threaten to end the relationship instead of trying to fix any issues in the relationship.

avoid accusation and attacks

avoid you messages, accusations will result in defensive posturing by the other person

use encouragers

encourage the other person to share, comments and/or nonverbal gestures that encourage the other person to continue talking and sharing

Pseudomutuality example

holding secrets to keep the other person happy, stepping on eggshells around each other

Defensiveness

is a typical response to criticism from a partner and refers to routinely preparing to defend self against perceived attacks from a partner. Examples include playing the innocent victim, making excuses, not taking partner's concerns seriously, and reversing the blame on the partner. Not usually a successful strategy since it often escalates the conflict; especially when neither partner backs down nor apologizes.

Stonewalling definition

is often a response to contempt and refers to resisting or refusing to take a grievances seriously; which allows a partner to avoid or delay issues that produce tension.

Sabotage definition

is when a person tries to ruin or undermine an activity planned by another person so as to get revenge or hurt them

Image-check up

minimal cologne, natural looking make-up, fresh haircut or style with no extreme styles or color, minimal jewelry, manicured nails, at a minimum cleaned and trimmed, dress professionally and conservatively, dress professionally and conservatively, minimize wardrobe color, professionally cleaned and pressed clothes, buy wrinkle-resistant. Men should wear suits, mid-calf socks. Women should wear tailored suit or coordinating jacket and skirt. Dark, closed-toe pumps or flats, no spiked hells, avoid low necklines

set ground rules that outline appropriate and inappropriate behaviors during negotiation

one person speaks at a time. information shared in the discussion will remain confidential unless otherwise states. hence, don't involve others into the negotiation unless discussed first.

keep people and problems separate

recognize that in many cases the other person is not just "being difficult." real and valid differences often underlie difference of opinions. by separating the problem from the person, real issues can be debated without harming relationships.

Contempt definition

refers to feeling and treating a partner as inferior and/or not desirable. A person using contempt assumes a position of moral superiority.

Iceberg technique

refers to not revealing all the feelings with an apparent liability

state the problem and say what you really mean in clear language

stick to the facts, be specific about what is bothering you, vague complaints are difficult to resolve, state your wishes and requests clearly and directly

own your feelings first

use i messages

conflict resolution (w)

validate the other person's concerns and feelings, do not interrupt, negotiate from the 'adult' position, avoid ultimatums, resist giving the silent treatment, praise the other person when they do what you request, don't generalize (avoid words as never or always), avoid fabricating and exaggerating issues/feelings, never use sex to avoid or smooth over a disagreement, always go for closure