Study guide for final Examination

willingness to invest

(part of nature of friendships) time, effort, feeling

Counterfeit questions

, counterfeit questions are disguised attempts to send a message, not receive one. As such, they fit better at the "more directive" end of the listening response continuum pictured in Figure 8.2 on . Questions that trap the speaker. Asking, "You didn't like that movie, did you?," backs the respondent into a corner. By contrast, "What did you think of the movie?" is a sincere question that is easier to answer. Tag endings such as "Did you?" or "Isn't that right?" can indicate that the asker is looking for agreement, not information. Similarly, questions that begin with "Don't you" (such as "Don't you think she would make a good boss?") direct others toward a desired response. As a simple solution, changing "Don't you?" to "Do you?" makes the question less leading. • Questions that make statements. "Are you finally ready?" is more of a statement than a question—a fact unlikely to be lost on the targeted person. Emphasizing certain words also can turn a question into a statement: • Questions that carry hidden agendas. "Are you busy Friday night?" is a dangerous question to answer. If you say "No," thinking the person has something fun in mind, you won't like hearing "Good, because I need some help moving my piano." Obviously, such questions are not designed to enhance understanding; they are setups for the proposal that follows. • Questions that seek a positive judgment. "How do I look?" is often a request for a particular response ("You look great!"). The listener must carefully consider the context before responding. • Questions based on unchecked assumptions. "Why aren't you listening to me?" assumes the other person isn't paying attention. "What's the matter?" assumes that something is wrong.

Disconfirming communication

, disconfirming communication signals a lack of regard (Betts & Hinsz, 2013). In one form or another, disconfirming messages say, "You don't matter," "You're not important," or "You don't exist."

Characteristics of friendship

-- Willingness to Invest -- Emotional Closeness - Activities - Talk -- Communicate Expectancy -- Trust - Dependability - Emotional Reliability -- Support

compromise

A compromise gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. People usually settle for a compromise when it seems that partial satisfaction is the best they can hope for. Although a compromise may be better than losing everything, this approach hardly seems to deserve the positive image it often has. Professional negotiator Chris Voss (2016) notes that compromise is often promoted as "a sacred moral good," but it typically satisfies neither side. That's why he recommends to "never split the difference"—because doing so usually leads to lose-lose outcomes. Although compromise may be the best obtainable result in some conflicts, partners in a dispute can often work together to find much better solutions (Jandt, 2017).

Disagreeing message

A disagreeing message essentially says, "You're wrong." In its most constructive form, disagreement includes two of the confirming components just described: recognition and acknowledgment. At its worst, a strong disagreeing message can be so devastating that the benefits of recognition and acknowledgment are lost. Two ways to disagree without necessarily being disconfirming are argumentativeness and complaining.

Accommodation

Accommodation occurs when you entirely give in to others rather than asserting your own point of view. Figure 12.1 depicts accommodators as having low concern for themselves and high concern for others, resulting in lose-win, "we'll do it your way" outcomes.

Analytical listening

Analytical listening emphasizes attending to the full message before coming to judgment. People who default to this style want to hear details and analyze an issue from a variety of perspectives. Analytical listeners can be a big help when the goal is to investigate difficult questions, taking into account a wide range of perspectives. They are especially valuable in thinking systematically about complex issues. This thorough approach can be time-consuming and impractical at times, however, such as when a deadline is fast approaching. Analytical listening A style of listening that emphasizes hearing all details of a message and then assessing it from a variety of perspectives

Integrating

As the relationship strengthens, the individuals enter an integrating stage; they begin to take on an identity as a social unit. Invitations begin to come addressed to a couple. Social circles merge. The partners share each other's commitments: "Sure, we'll spend Thanksgiving with your family." They may begin to designate common property—our apartment, our car, our song (Harris et al., 2020). Partners create their own personal idioms (Dunleavy & BoothButterfield, 2009) and ways of talking to each other. They develop routines and rituals that reinforce their identity as a couple—jogging together, eating at a favorite restaurant, expressing physical affection, and worshipping together (Garcia-Rada et al., 2019). As these examples illustrate, the stage of integrating is a time when you give up some characteristics of your former self and become enmeshed with another person (Martinez et al., 2016).

Avoidance

Avoidance A lose-lose conflict style in which people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict

Terminating

But many do deteriorate and reach the final stage, terminating, which has its own distinguishable pattern. Characteristics of this stage include summary dialogues of where the relationship has gone and the desire to dissociate. The relationship may end with a cordial dinner, a note left on the kitchen table, a phone call, a text, or a legal document stating the dissolution. Depending on each person's feelings, this terminating stage can be quite short and amicable, or it may be bitterly drawn out over time.

Collaboration

Collaboration seeks win-win solutions to conflict. It involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way" but "our way." In the best case, collaborating can lead to a win-win outcome, where each person gets what she or he wants (Shonk, 2019). Can lead to

fallacy of approval

Communicators who subscribe to the fallacy of approval go to incredible lengths to seek acceptance from others, even to the extent of sacrificing their own principles and happiness. Adherence to this irrational myth can lead to some ludicrous situations, such as feeling nervous because people you really don't like seem to disapprove of you, or feeling apologetic when you are not at fault.

John Gottman has called the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Criticism: These are attacks on a person's character. As you read in Chapter 6, there's a significant difference between legitimate complaints phrased in descriptive "I" language ("I wish you had been on time—we're going to be late to the movie") and critical character assaults stated as evaluative "you" messages ("You're so thoughtless—you never think of anyone but yourself"). Defensiveness: As you'll read in Chapter 13, defensiveness is a reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility ("You're crazy—I never do that") and counterattacking ("You're worse about that than I am"). Although some self-protection is understandable, problems arise when a person refuses to listen to or even acknowledge another's concerns. Contempt: A contemptuous comment belittles and demeans. It can take the form of name-calling putdowns ("You're a real jerk") or sarcastic barbs ("Oh, that was brilliant"). Contempt can also be communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls or disgusted sighs. (Try doing both of those at the same time and imagine how dismissing they can be.) Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one person in a relationship withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue—and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way. It sends a disconfirming "you don't matter" message to the other person.

emotional agility

Emotional agility is a skill set that builds on our ability to face our emotions, label them, understand them and then choose to move forward deliberately. It is the ability to recognize when you're feeling stressed, be able to step out of your stress, and then decide how to act in a way that is congruent with your personal values and aligned with your goals. (Semnani, 2016)

emotional contagion

Emotions can spread from one person to another through a process known as emotional contagion (Flora, 2019). As Daniel Goleman (1995) observes, "We catch feelings from one another as though they were some kind of social virus."

Equality

Equality A type of supportive communication described by Gibb, which suggests that the sender regards the receiver with respect. Gibb found ample evidence that many who have superior skills and talents are capable of projecting feelings of equality rather than superiority. Such people communicate that although they may have greater talent in certain areas, they see other human beings as having just as much worth.

personal space (proxemics)

Everyone carries around a sort of invisible bubble of personal space wherever they go. You think of the area inside this bubble as your own —almost as much a part of you as your own body. Personal bubbles vary in size according to the culture in which a person was raised, the person they're with, and the situation

emotional closeness

Having a sense of shared feelings, experiences, trust, enjoyment, concern, and caring in a relationship. Relational listening is most concerned with building emotional closeness with others. People who primarily use this style are typically extroverted, attentive, and friendly (Villaume & Bodie, 2007)

Communication Climate

How do some types of communication create a positive climate whereas others have the opposite effect? Essentially, communication climate is determined by the degree to which people see themselves as valued. Communicators who perceive others as liking, appreciating, and respecting them react positively, whereas those who feel unimportant or abused react negatively. m communication climate refers to the social tone of a relationship. A climate doesn't involve specific activities so much as it involves the way people feel about each other as they carry out those activities. For example, consider two interpersonal communication classes. They meet for the same length of time and follow the same syllabus. One of these classes is a friendly, comfortable place to learn, whereas the other is cold and tense—even hostile. It's not the course content that differs—it's the way the people in the class feel about and treat each other (Johnson & LaBelle, 2016), even if the learning takes place online (Zhang et al., 2012).

Escalatory spiral

If both partners treat each other with matching hostility, one threat and insult leads to another in an escalatory spiral

complementary conflict

In complementary conflict, the partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors. As Table 12.2 illustrates, some complementary conflicts are destructive, whereas others are constructive Graph in notes

connection-autonomy dialectic

Internally (within a relationship), the struggle shows up in the connection-autonomy dialectic: You want to be close to others, but at the same time you seek independence (Kelly et al., 2017). The ability to manage the conflicting needs for connection and autonomy is basic to relational success (Sahlstein & Dun, 2008). Some of the most common reasons for relational breakups involve failure of partners to satisfy one another's needs for connection: "We barely spent any time together"; "My partner wasn't committed to the relationship." But other relational complaints involve excessive demands for connection: "I was feeling trapped"; "I needed freedom" (Hui et al., 2013). One report suggests that couples who begin committed relationships later in life value keeping separate residences as a means to maintain both connection and autonomy (Ansberry, 2019).

Regulators

Nonverbal regulators are cues that help control verbal interaction. The best example of such regulation is the wide array of turn-taking signals in everyday conversation (Wiemann & Knapp, 2008). Three signals that indicate that a speaker has finished talking and is ready to yield to a listener are (1) changes in vocal intonation—a rising or falling in pitch at the end of a clause, (2) a drawl on the last syllable or the stressed syllable in a clause, and (3) a drop in vocal pitch or loudness when speaking a common expression such as "you know. Eye contact is another way of regulating verbal communication (Brone et al., 2017).

Ostracism

Ostracism has been called "the social death penalty" because it purposely excludes others from interaction (Parramore, 2014). Most people can recall hurtful childhood experiences of being ostracized by a group (Wölfer & Scheithauer, 2014). This kind of disconfirmation can also happen in adulthood. Workplace studies show that employees would rather receive negative attention from bosses and coworkers than no attention at all. Many report that ostracism is even more painful and damaging than harassment (O'Reilly et al., 2015).

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent. You may wonder, "Why would I want to restate what's already been said?" Consider this simple exchange: FRIEND (ON FRIDAY): "Let's make plans for next Sunday." YOU: "So, you want to get together the day after tomorrow." FRIEND: "No, I meant a week from Sunday.

Passive Aggression

Passive aggression An indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness. Passive aggression occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner (Kluger, 2017). In our hypothetical conflict between Lee and Cam, perhaps Lee runs the vacuum cleaner loudly during the soccer matches—or Cam makes sarcastic jokes about Lee not liking sports. Passive aggression can take the form of "crazymaking" (Key, 2014)—tactics designed to punish another person without direct confrontation. Crazymaking takes its name from the effect such behavior usually has on its target. There are a number of crazymaking ways to deal with conflict. One is through guilt: "Never mind. I'll do all the work myself [sigh]. Go ahead and have a good time. Don't worry about me [sigh]." Another crazymaker is when someone agrees with you to your face but has a different agenda behind your back—such as the teenager who says he'll clean his room and then doesn't do so as a means of getting back at the parent who grounded him. Some passive aggression is nonverbal: a roll of the eyes, a pained expression, or a disdainful laugh can get a message across. If the target of these messages asks about them, the passive aggressor can always deny the conflict exists. Even humor— especially sarcasm ("Gee, I can't wait to spend the weekend with your folks")—can be used as passive aggression (Bowes & Katz, 2011). And sometimes saying nothing is a crazymaker weapon. No one likes getting "the silent treatment," and it usually damages interpersonal relationships (Rittenour et al., 2019)

Acknowledgement

Paying attention to the ideas and feelings of others through acknowledgment is a stronger form of confirmation than simple recognition. Chapter 8 notes how listening and responding to another person demonstrates your interest and concern (Weger et al., 2014). Phrases such as "I see your point" or "I can understand how you feel" communicate acknowledgment—regardless of whether you agree with what's being said.

fallacy of perfection

People who accept the fallacy of perfection believe that a worthwhile communicator should be able to handle any situation with complete confidence and skill (Lo & Abbott, 2019). Although such a standard of perfection can serve as a goal and a source of inspiration (rather like making a hole in one for a golfer), it's unrealistic to expect that you can reach or maintain this level of behavior. The truth is, people simply aren't perfect.

public distance

Public distance is Hall's term for the farthest zone, running outward from 12 feet. The closer range of public distance is the one that most teachers use in the classroom. In the farther reaches of public space— 25 feet and beyond—two-way communication is almost impossible. In some cases it's necessary for speakers to use public distance to reach a large audience, but you can assume that anyone who chooses to use it when more closeness is possible is not interested in a dialogue.

Questioning

Questioning is a type of response in which a listener seeks additional information. There are several reasons to ask sincere, nondirective questions: - To clarify meanings. - To learn about others' thoughts, feelings, and wants. A sincere, sensitive, and caring question can draw out opinions, emotions, needs, and hopes - To encourage elaboration. - To encourage discovery. - To gather more facts and details.

Serial Arguments

Serial arguments are repetitive conflicts about the same issue (Morrison & Schrodt, 2017). They can focus on topics ranging from the seemingly mundane (e.g., managing household chores) to the extremely serious (e.g., substance abuse, infidelity). One study looked at causes of serial arguments in romantic relationships (Bevan et al., 2014). One of the most common involves problematic behaviors—habits such as chronic overspending (or tight budgeting) and sloppiness (or hyper-neatness). Other sources of friction personality characteristics Communication styles serial arguments are more likely than nonrecurring ones to use hostile communication.

Social Exchange theory

Some relationships are based on an economic model called social exchange theory (Stafford, 2008; Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). This approach suggests that communicators seek out people who can provide rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs they encounter in dealing with the relationship. Social exchange theorists define rewards as any outcomes we desire. They may be tangible (a nice place to live, a high-paying job) or intangible (prestige, emotional support, companionship). Costs are undesirable outcomes: unpleasant work, emotional pain, and so on. A simple formula captures the calculus of social exchange: Rewards - Costs = Outcome. Social exchange theory (Section 10.1.4) tells us that the rewards of a relationship need to outweigh the costs. This is as true in friendships as it is in other close relationships (Haselton & Galperin, 2013). College students in one study identified "Don't take more than you give" as an important friendship rule (Baxter et al., 2001).

Integration-seperation dialectic

The conflicting desires for connection and independence are embodied in the integration-separation dialectic. Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen (1986) captures this dialectic nicely by evoking the image of two porcupines trying to get through a cold winter: They huddle together for warmth, but their sharp quills prick each other, so they pull away. But then they get cold. They have to keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and from getting pricked by their fellow porcupines—the source of both comfort and pain. We need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, to feel we're not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance from each other to preserve our independence, so others don't impose on or engulf us. This duality reflects the human condition. We are individual and social creatures. We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals

intimate distance

The first of Hall's zones, intimate distance, begins with skin contact and ranges out to about 18 inches. This distance is reserved for people who are emotionally close, and then mostly in private situations— making love, caressing, comforting, protecting

competition

The flip side of accommodation is competition, a win-lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others. As Figure 12.1 shows, competition seeks to resolve conflicts "my way." Competition can sometimes enhance a relationship. One study looked at people in dating relationships who used competition to enrich their interaction (Messman & Mikesell, 2000). For example, some found satisfaction by competing in play (who's the better racquetball or Scrabble player?), in achievement (who gets the better job offer or the higher grade?), and in altruism (who's more romantic or does the most charity work?). The same can occur between friends and coworkers, where competition can bring out the best in both parties (Zou & Ingram, 2013).

The function of nonverbal communication in relationship building and influencing others.

The influence of nonverbal behavior comes in many forms. It can capture attention, show or increase liking, generate power, and boost credibility (Gifford, 2011).

openness-closeness dialect

The internal struggle between expression and privacy shows up in the openness-closedness dialectic. What do you do in an intimate relationship when a person you care about asks an important question that you don't want to answer? "Do you think I'm attractive?" "Are you having a good time?" "What's my problem?" Your commitment to the relationship may compel you toward honesty, but your concern for the other person's feelings and a desire for privacy may lead you to be less than completely honest. Many people claim, "There are no secrets between my best friend and me," or "I tell my sweetheart everything," but that's likely an overstatement. Wise communicators make choices about what they will and won't share with loved ones—sometimes (but not always) for the other person's sake (Goldsmith & Domann-Scholz, 2013).

Revelation-Concealment dialectic

The same conflicts between openness and privacy operate externally in the revelation-concealment dialectic. If you and a longtime fellow worker haven't been getting along, do you answer the boss's question, "How's it going?" honestly, or do you keep your disagreement to yourselves? If your family has had a run of bad (or good) financial luck and a friend asks to borrow (or lend) money, do you share your situation or keep quiet? If you're part of a same-sex couple, but you're not sure your relationship will be endorsed by others, when and how do you go "public" with that information (Suter et al., 2006, 2008)? All of these questions speak to tensions related to concealing versus revealing. These challenges have increased as social media make privacy boundaries more difficult to manage (Proudfoot et al., 2018). We take a closer look at privacy management in Chapter 11

stability-change dialectic

The stability-change dialectic acknowledges that stability is an important need in relationships, but that too much of it can lead to feelings of staleness.

Stagnation

The stagnating relationship is a shell of its former self. You've probably seen stagnation in many workers who have lost enthusiasm for their job yet continue to go through the motions for years. The same sad event occurs for some couples who unenthusiastically have the same conversations, see the same people, and follow the same routines without any sense of joy or novelty Effects of stagnation - Avoidance - Terminating

cognitive labeling view of emotions

The theory that our feelings are shaped by the labels we apply to our physiological responses.Similar to perceptual view but offers better explanation of how we move from experience to interpretation.

interactive view of emotions

The theory that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they express and withhold feelings.

Social distance

The third zone is social distance, which ranges from 4 to about 12 feet out. Within this zone, the distance between communicators can have a powerful effect on how you regard and respond to others

sincere questions are aimed at understanding others True

True

Aggressiveness

Verbal aggressiveness is the tendency to attack another person's character, background, or identity (Xie et al., 2015). Unlike argumentativeness, aggressiveness demeans the worth of others and is corrosive to relationships (Roper et al., 2017). Name-calling, putdowns, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering—and even some types of humor (Bishop et al., 2012)—all are methods of "winning" disagreements at others' expense.

Verbal vs. Nonverbal Communication

Verbal- Single Channel, distinct and discrete (beginning and end) Nonverbal- Multi-Channeled, more ambiguous, continuous (no definite beginning or end)

face-threatening act

When others are willing to accept and acknowledge important parts of our presenting image, there is no reason to feel defensive. However, when others confront us with face-threatening acts—messages we perceive as challenging the image we want to project—we are likely to resist what they say. Defensiveness, then, is the process of protecting our presenting self, our face. Although responding defensively to a face-threatening attack may seem logical, over time, defensiveness erodes relationship stability (Lannin et al., 2013). (Again, recall the discussion of Gottman's "Four Horsemen" in Chapter 12.)

territory

Whereas personal space is the invisible bubble people carry around, territory is a stationary area you claim (Hidalgo & Hernandez, 2001). Robert Sommer (1969) watched students in a college library and found that there's a definite pattern for people who want to study alone.

social support

Whereas relational maintenance is about keeping a relationship thriving, social support is about helping others during challenging times by providing emotional, informational, or instrumental resources (MacGeorge et al., 2011). Social support has been consistently linked to physical and relational health (Floyd et al., 2018) and can be offered in a variety of ways: • Emotional support: Few things are more helpful during times of stress, hurt, etc. • Informational support: The people in your life can be helpful information sources (Aloia & McTigue, 2019). They can offer recommendations for shopping, advice about relationships, etc. • Instrumental support: Sometimes support is best given by rolling up your sleeves and doing a task or favor to show that you care (Semmer et al., 2008). This can be as simple as a ride to the airport or as involved as caregiving during illness. Sometimes just being available for interaction can provide social support.

self-talk

a person's internal dialogue. This process of self-talk is essential to understanding the debilitative feelings that interfere with effective communication. Many debilitative feelings come from accepting a number of irrational thoughts—we call them fallacies here—that lead to illogical conclusions and, in turn, to debilitating feelings (Samar et al., 2013).

appraisal theory

a theory of emotion that proposes that emotions are based on an individual's assessment of a situation or an outcome and its relevance to his or her goals

Analyzing

analyzing a situation, the listener offers an interpretation of a speaker's message ("I think what's really bothering you is ..."; "She's doing it because ..."; or "Maybe the problem started when he ..."). Communicators who respond this way often use the analytical listening style described earlier in this chapter (Section 8.1.3). This style can be effective in helping others see alternative meanings of a situation. Sometimes an analysis helps clarify a confusing problem, providing a more objective understanding.

Perceptual view of emotions (appraisal theory)

asserts that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena mean to us

fallacy of causation

believe they should do nothing that can hurt or in any way inconvenience others because it will cause undesirable feelings. For example, you might not tell your family members that they've interrupted you several times because you don't want to make them angry. Similarly, it might be tempting to avoid bringing up issues with friends and coworkers because you don't want to cause a negative reaction.

Chronemics

chronemics to describe the study of how humans use and structure time (Walther, 2009). The use of time depends greatly on culture. Some cultures (e.g., North American, German, and Swiss) tend to be monochronic, emphasizing punctuality, schedules, and completing one task at a time (Flaskerud, 2013). Other cultures (e.g., South American, Mediterranean, and Arab) are more polychronic, with flexible schedules in which multiple tasks are pursued at the same time

Civility

civility— claiming and caring for your own identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading the other person. The Institute for Civility in Government explains: Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one's preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same.

rumination

compulsive fretting; overthinking our problems and their causes

Conflict rituals

conflict rituals—unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). Consider a few common rituals: • A young child interrupts her parents, demanding to be included in their conversation. At first the parents tell the child to wait, but she whines and cries until the parents find it easier to listen than to ignore the fussing. This pattern reoccurs whenever the child has a demand the parents hesitate to fulfill. • A couple fights. One partner leaves. The other accepts blame for the problem and begs forgiveness. The first partner returns, and a happy reunion takes place. Soon they fight again, and the pattern repeats. • One friend is unhappy with the other. The unhappy person withdraws until the other asks what's wrong. "Nothing," the first replies. The questioning persists until the problem is finally out in the open. The friends then solve the issue and continue happily until the next problem arises, when the pattern repeats itself.

Acceptance

conformity that involves both acting and believing in accord with social pressure

Critical Listening

critical listening have a strong desire to evaluate messages. They are concerned not just with understanding messages but with assessing their quality, focusing on accuracy and consistency.

What are framing rules?

define the emotional meaning of situations

Dialectical tensions

dialectical tensions: conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible desires exist simultaneously in a relationship (Baxter & Braithwaite, 2008). Communication scholars have identified several dialectical forces that make successful communication challenging (Semlak & Pearson, 2011). Table 10.1 summarizes three that relational partners experience both internally—within the relationship—and externally—as you and the other person face the world. Although descriptors such as "struggles" and "conflicts" can make dialectical tensions sound negative, it's best to see them as normal and manageable factors in maintaining healthy relationships. The three are at the bottom of the notes google doc.

Direct Aggression

direct aggression attack the position and dignity of the receiver. Communication scholars list a variety of behaviors that can typify direct aggression: attacks on competence or character, swearing, teasing, ridicule, nonverbal emblems (e.g., "the finger"), and threats (Rancer & Avtgis, 2014). In the case of Lee and Cam, the conflict might turn into an ugly shouting match, with denigrating comments about how only an "idiot" would or wouldn't like sports, watching TV, or having friends over.

Disregard

disregard for another person, you treat their messages as unimportant or nonexistent. Disregard is often communicated in small ways (Cissna & Sieburg, 2006). When you're making an important point during a conversation and a friend interrupts, you probably feel devalued.

emotional intelligence

emotional intelligence to describe the ability to understand and manage one's own emotions and to be sensitive to others' feelings. Goleman maintains that success depends in great part on one's "EQ"—emotional intelligence quota. In support of that claim, studies show that emotional intelligence is positively linked with empathic listening abilities (Pence & Vickery, 2012), psychological well-being (Aloia & Brecht, 2017), leadership attributes (Mullen et al., 2019), and effective workplace interactions (Miao et al., 2017).

debilitative emotions

emotions that prevent a person from functioning effectively

Endorsement

endorsement means that you agree with or support another person. Endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message because it communicates the highest form of valuing. You can verbally endorse others by agreeing with them ("You're right about that"), offering compliments ("Nice job handling that situation"), or giving praise ("That's the best presentation I've seen this year"). Getting recognition like this on the job helps workers "feel interpersonally significant, needed, unique, and particularly successful" (Lutgen-Sandvik et al., 2011).

Facilitative vs Debilitative Emotions

facilitative emotions, which contribute to effective functioning, from debilitative emotions, which hinder or prevent effective performance. Positive emotions such as joy and love are obviously facilitative. Much of the time, emotions such as anger or fear are debilitative. . One big difference, then, between facilitative and debilitative emotions is their intensity. A second characteristic of debilitative feelings is their extended duration. rumination—recurrent thoughts not demanded by the immediate environment. A substantial body of research confirms that rumination increases feelings of sadness, anxiety, and depression and makes them last longer (Verduyn & Lavrijsen, 2015).

fallacy of helplessness

fallacy of helplessness suggests that forces beyond your control determine satisfaction in life. People with this outlook continually see themselves as victims: "There's no way I can get ahead in this society. The best thing I can do is to accept it." "I was born with a shy personality. I'd like to be more outgoing, but there's nothing I can do about that." "I can't tell my boss that she is putting too many demands on me. If I did, I might lose my job."

fallacy of overgeneralization

fallacy of overgeneralization occurs when a person bases a belief on a limited amount of evidence. Consider the following statements: "I blanked during that speech. I'm so stupid!" "Some friend I am! I forgot my best friend's birthday." These examples focus on a single shortcoming as if it represents everything. It's more rational and less punishing to avoid overgeneralizing. A single memory lapse can be the exception rather than the rule, and forgetting one event doesn't make you a bad friend. A second, related category of overgeneralization occurs when we exaggerate shortcomings: "She never listens to me." "He's always criticizing me." "I can't think of anything."

emblems (kinesics)

gestures that stand for a specific verbal meaning

Intensifying

intensifying, communicators increase their amount of contact and the breadth and depth of their selfdisclosure. In friendships, intensifying often includes spending more time together, participating in shared activities, hanging out with mutual friends, or taking trips together (Johnson et al., 2004). Dating couples use a wide range of strategies to communicate that their relationship is intensifying (Levine et al., 2006). One of them is saying "I love you," a step that has become fraught with meaning in American culture (Bonos, 2019). More often they use less direct methods of communication, perhaps as a way to protect their face: doing favors for the partner, giving tokens of affection, hinting and flirting

What are Hall's four spatial zones?

intimate, personal, social, public

Proxemics

is the study of how communication is affected by the use, organization, and perception of space and distance (Afifi, 2017).

Kenesics

kinesics comes from the root word kinesis, which means "movement," and refers to the study of hand, arm, body, and face movements.

De-escalatory spiral

l. If the partners both withdraw from each other instead of facing their problems, a problematic deescalatory spiral results: the hostility decreases, but the satisfaction and vitality ebb from the relationship.

Neutrality

neutrality to describe a fourth behavior that arouses defensiveness. Probably a better word would be indif erence. For example, 911 emergency telephone dispatchers are taught to be neutral to calm down the caller, but they shouldn't communicate indifference or a lack of caring (Shuler & Sypher, 2000). The behavior that contrasts with neutrality is empathy, showing care for the feelings of another. Research has shown that empathy minimizes potential threats to self-concept (Bradley & Campbell, 2016). It's important to note that accepting others' feelings and putting yourself in their place is separate from agreeing with them

nonverbal communication

nonverbal communication is "messages expressed by nonlinguistic means. Some nonverbal messages have a vocal element. For example, the words "I love you" have different meanings depending on the way they are spoken. Furthermore, some nonspoken forms of communication, including sign languages used in the Deaf community, are actually linguistic and not really nonverbal

predictability-novelty dialectic

predictability-novelty dialectic describes how this operates within a relationship. Although nobody wants a completely unpredictable relational partner ("You're not the person I married!"), humorist Dave Barry (1990) exaggerates only slightly when he talks about the boredom that can come when partners know each other too well: After a decade or so of marriage, you know everything about your spouse, every habit and opinion and twitch and tic and minor skin growth. You could write a seventeenpound book solely about the way your spouse eats. This kind of intimate knowledge can be very handy in certain situations—such as when you're on a TV quiz show where the object is to identify your spouse from the sound of his or her chewing—but it tends to lower the passion level of a relationship.

problem orientation

problem orientation, by contrast, communicators focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their own needs and those of the others involved. The goal here isn't to "win" at the expense of your partner but to work out some arrangement in which everybody feels like a winner. (Chapter 12 has a great deal to say about "win-win" problem solving as a way to find problem-oriented solutions.) Problem orientation is often typified by "we" language (see Chapter 6), which suggests that the speaker is making decisions with rather than for other people

relational transgressions

relational transgressions, when one partner violates the explicit or implicit terms of the relationship, letting the other one down in some important way. Types Lack of Commitment Failure to honor important obligations (e.g., financial, emotional, task related) Self-serving dishonesty Unfaithfulness Distance Physical separation (beyond what is necessary) Psychological separation (avoidance, ignoring) Disrespect Criticism (especially in front of third parties) Problematic Emotions Jealousy Unjustified suspicion Rage Aggression Verbal hostility Physical violence

reappraisal

rethinking the meaning of emotionally charged events in ways that alter their emotional impact (Shapero et al., 2019). Research shows that reappraisal is vastly superior to suppressing feelings: It often leads to lower stress and increased productivity (Wallace et al., 2009). reappraisal process mentioned earlier in this chapter. Use the discussion of irrational fallacies to find out which of your internal statements are based on mistaken thinking. You can do this most effectively by following three steps. First, decide whether each belief you've recorded is rational or irrational. Next, explain why the belief does or doesn't make sense. Finally, if the belief is irrational, consider an alternative way of thinking that is more sensible and that can leave you feeling better when faced with the same activating event in the future. Then change self-talk

Personal Distance

second spatial zone, personal distance, ranges from 18 inches at its closest point to 4 feet at its farthest. The contacts are still reasonably close, but they're much less intimate than the ones that occur a foot or so closer.

Feeling Rules (Hochschild)

shared social conventions that determine what we should feel in a given situation, how intensely we should feel it, and how long we should feel it

feeling rules

socially constructed norms regarding the expression and display of emotions; expectations about the acceptable or desirable feelings in a given situation

spontaneity

spontaneity is being honest with others rather than manipulating them. What it doesn't mean is blurting out what you're thinking as soon as an idea comes to you (see the Focus on Research sidebar on ). Gibb recognized the dangers of hidden agendas that others both sense and resist. You can probably recall times when someone asked you a question and you suspiciously responded with "Hmmm ... why do you want to know?" graph in notes

Symmetrical conflict

symmetrical conflict, both people use the same tactics. Table 12.2 shows how the same conflict can unfold in very different ways, depending on whether the partners' communication is symmetrical or complementary.

nonverbal immediacy

the involvement and warmth a person communicates through physical closeness, leaning forward, facial expressions, eye contact, and touching

self-talk

the nonvocal, internal monologue that is our process of thinking ( the self)

Confirming communication

to describe either direct or indirect messages that convey valuing . In one form or another, confirming messages essentially say, "You exist," "You matter," and "You're important."

Emotional Labor

to describe situations in which managing and even suppressing emotions are both appropriate and necessary (Butler & Modaff, 2012).

What is paralanguage?

to describe the way a message is spoken. In essence, paralanguage is not so much about what you say, but how you say it.

Haptics

to distinguish the study of touching (Afifi, 2017). Interpersonal touch is basic to health and development (Cascio et al., 2019).

organismic view of emotions

we experience emotion when external stimuli cause physiological changes in us

Win-Win Problem solving

win-win problem solving, the goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved. Not only do the partners avoid trying to succeed at each other's expense, but there's also a belief that working together can provide a solution in which all reach their goals without needing to compromise.

provisionalism

y is provisionalism, in which people express openness to others' ideas and opinions. You may have strong opinions yourself, but in this supportive style of communication, you acknowledge that you don't have a corner on the truth. Provisionalism often surfaces in word choice. Whereas people acting with certainty regularly use the terms can't, never, always, must, and have to, those acting with provisionalism use perhaps, maybe, possibly, might, and could. It's not that provisional people are spineless; they simply recognize that discussion is aided by open-minded messages. Researchers found that when teachers use provisional language, it helps motivate students (Katt & Collins, 2013).

fallacy of catastrophic expectations

—a position similar to Murphy's Law. These statements are typical of such an attitude: "If I invite them to the party, they probably won't want to come." "If I speak up to try to resolve a conflict, things will probably get worse." "If I apply for the job I want, I probably won't be hired." "If I tell them how I really feel, they'll probably just laugh at me."