3080: Test 3: Textbook (Chapters 9, 11, and 7)

Address mixed feelings

"I want so much to stay with Pat and yet I fear I'm losing my identity." Or "I feel anger and hatred, but at the same time I feel guilty for what I did."

Describe the reasons you're feeling as you are.

"I'm feeling guilty because I was unfaithful." "I feel lonely; I haven't had a date for the last two months." "I'm really depressed from failing that last exam." If your feelings were influenced by something the person you're talking to did or said, describe this also. For example, "I felt so angry when you said you wouldn't help me." "I felt hurt when you didn't invite me to the party."

Men

(Men/Women) generally score higher both in argumentativeness and in verbal aggressiveness

Men

(Men/Women) more apt to be perceived (by both men and women) as more argumentative and verbally aggressive

Dyssemia

A condition in which an individual is unable to appropriately read the nonverbal messages of others or to communicate his or her own meanings nonverbally.

Interpersonal Conflict

A disagreement between or among connected individuals—friends, lovers, colleagues, family members—who perceive their goals as incompatible

I-messages

A form of communication in which a person directly states what another person is doing, its effect, and how he or she feels about it (e.g., "When you all call out, I can't concentrate on each answer, and I'm frustrated").

Comparison Level

A general idea of the kinds of rewards and profits that you feel you ought to get out of such a relationship. Consists of your realistic expectations concerning what you feel you deserve from this relationship.

Flexibility

A quality of interpersonal effectiveness that enables you to interact in different ways depending on the situation.

Argumentativeness

A quality to be cultivated rather than avoided. Your willingness to argue for a point of view, your tendency to speak your mind on significant issues. It's the preferred alternative to verbal aggressiveness

Nonnegotiation

A special type of avoidance. Here you refuse to direct any attention to managing the conflict or to listen to the other person's argument. At times, __________ takes the form of hammering away at your own point of view until the other person gives in.

Openness

A state in which communicators are willing to share their ideas as well as listen to others in a way that avoids conveying negative or disconfirming feedback

Rewards

Anything that you would incur costs to obtain.

See Choices

Appreciate the fact that every situation offers you different options for communicating. Consider these options and try to predict the effects each option might have.

Relationship Dialectics Theory

Argues that someone who is engaged in a relationship experiences internal tensions between pairs of motives or desires that pull him or her in opposite directions. These tensions are much like those you experience in your daily lives.

Decreases

As avoidance increases, relationship satisfaction (increases/decreases)

Breadth

As interdependency increases, so do _______ (the number of topics) and depth (the level to which topics are penetrated).

Character Attack

Attacking the individual instead of the individual's idea. Most popular tactic of verbal aggressiveness

Comparison Level for Alternatives

Compare the profits that you get from your current relationship with the profits you think you could get from alternative relationships. Thus, if you see that the profits from your present relationship are below the profits that you could get from an alternative relationship, you may decide to leave your current relationship and enter a new, more profitable relationship.

Relationship Conflict

Concerned with the relationships between the individuals

Win-Win Strategies

Conflict management strategies that seek a resolution in which both parties win

Win-Lose Strategies

Conflict resolution process where not all parties are accommodated

Silencers

Conflict techniques that literally silence the other individual. Frequently used techniques: --- crying --- feigning extreme emotionalism --- headaches --- shortness of breath

"What exactly do I want to communicate?"

Consider also whether your emotional expression will be a truthful expression of your feelings. When emotional expressions are faked—when, for example, you smile though feeling angry or say, "I forgive you" when you don't—you may actually be creating emotional and physical stress (Grandey, 2000). Remember, too, the irreversibility of communication; once you communicate something, you cannot take it back.

Own your feelings; take personal responsibility for your feelings

Consider the following statements: "You make me angry." "You make me feel like a loser." "You make me feel stupid." "You make me feel like I don't belong here." In each of these statements, the speaker blames the other person for the way he or she is feeling. Of course, you know, on more sober reflection, that no one can make you feel anything. Others may do things or say things to you, but it is you who interpret them and give them meaning. That is, you develop feelings as a result of the interaction between what people say and your own interpretations.

Anchor your emotions in the present

Coupled with specific description and the identification of the reasons for your feelings, such statements might look like this: "I feel like a failure right now; I've erased this computer file three times today." "I felt foolish when I couldn't think of that formula." "I feel stupid when you point out my grammatical errors."

Mutually aware that their goals are incompatible

Creates interpersonal conflict If one person's goal is achieved, then the other person's goal cannot be achieved.

Attainment

Creates interpersonal conflict Perceived as interfering with the __________ of the other's goals

Interdependent

Creates interpersonal conflict What one person does has an impact or an effect on the other person.

Emotional Communication

Enables you to distinguish between those emotions that are relevant to your choices and those emotions that are irrelevant and thereby improve your decision making

Respect for Negative Face

Entails the exchange of permission requests (rather than demands), messages indicating that a person's time is valuable and respected, and few if any imposed obligations. Providing the other person an easy way out when a request is made.

"What are my communication choices?"

Evaluate your communication options in terms of both effectiveness (what will work best and help you achieve your goal) and ethics (what is right or morally justified).

Fear

Fear of causing a conflict or of losing control can inhibit emotional expression.

Politeness

Greatest during the contact stage—you want to put your best foot forward if the relationship is to be established. At involvement, the level is still relatively high; you're still on your best behavior. As the relationship becomes intimate, you relax ___________ and perhaps moved forward. During dissolution and deterioration, __________ may all but disappear. If you want to repair a relationship, your level of __________ is likely to increase considerably.

Emotional Closeness

In face-to-face relationships, _______ _______ compromises privacy; the closer you become, the less privacy you have.

People want equity in their interpersonal relationships

If you are under-benefited, you'll be angry and dissatisfied. If you are over-benefited, you'll feel guilty.

Avoid

If you're shy and unassertive, you may be more likely to try to ______ conflict

Autonomy-Connection Tension

It seems to occur more often as the relationship progresses, involves the desire to remain an autonomous, independent individual but also to connect intimately to another person and to a relationship. You want to be close and connected with another person, but you also want to be independent

Aggressiveness

____________: is destructive; the outcomes are negative in a variety of communication situations leads to relationship dissatisfaction because it attacks another's self-concept. may lead to relationship violence. damages organizational life and demoralizes workers on varied levels. prevents meaningful parent-child communication and makes corporal punishment more likely. decreases the user's credibility, in part because it's seen as a tactic to discredit the opponent rather than address the argument. decreases the user's power of persuasion.

See Uniqueness

Realize that no two situations or people are exactly alike; consider what is different about this situation or person and take these differences into consideration as you construct your messages.

See the Context

Recognize that communication always takes place in a context; discover what that unique context is and ask yourself how it might influence your messages. Communicating bad news during a joyous celebration, for example, needs to be handled quite differently from communicating good news.

Disgust

SYNONYMNS: Abhorrence, aversion, loathing, repugnance, repulsion, revulsion, sickness, nausea, offensiveness ANTONYMS: Admiration, desire, esteem, fondness, liking, love, reverence, respect

Anger

SYNONYMNS: Acrimony, annoyance, bitterness, displeasure, exasperation, fury, ire, irritation, outrage, rage, resentment, umbrage, wrath, hostility ANTONYMS: Calmness, contentment, enjoyment, peace, joy, pleasantness

Surprise

SYNONYMNS: Amazement, astonishment, awe, bewilderment, eye-opener, incredulity, jolt, revelation, shock, unexpectedness, wonder, startle, catch off-guard, unforeseen ANTONYMS: Expectation, assurance, confidence, intention, likelihood, possibility, prediction, surmise

Fear

SYNONYMNS: Anxiety, apprehension, awe, concern, consternation, dread, fright, misgiving, phobia, trepidation, worry, qualm, terror ANTONYMS: Courage, fearlessness, heroism, unconcern, bravery

Trust

SYNONYMNS: Confidence, belief, hope, assurance, faith, reliance, certainty, credence, certitude, conviction ANTONYMS: Distrust, disbelief, mistrust, uncertainty

Anticipation

SYNONYMNS: Contemplation, prospect, forward-looking, expectancy, hope, foresight, expectation, foreboding, forecast, forethought ANTONYMS: Unreadiness, doubt, uncertainty, ambiguity, disinterest

Sadness

SYNONYMNS: Dejection, depression, distress, grief, loneliness, melancholy, misery, sorrow, unhappiness ANTONYMS: Happiness, gladness, joy, cheer, delight, enjoyment, pleasure, euphoria, gaiety

Joy

SYNONYMNS: Happiness, bliss, cheer, contentment, delight, ecstasy, enchantment, enjoyment, felicity, rapture, gratification, pleasure, satisfaction, well-being ANTONYMS: Anger, depression, gloom, misery, pain, sadness, sorrow, unhappiness, woe, grief, upset

Rewards

Six types: Money Status Love Information Goods Services

Social and Cultural Customs

Societies and cultures have different rules and customs for displaying emotions.

Profit

That which results when the costs are subtracted from the rewards Rewards - Costs

Culture

The general ________ you grew up in affects your conflict management strategies

Interdependency

The greater the _____________, (1) the greater the number of issues on which conflict can center, and (2) the greater the impact of the conflict and the conflict management interaction on the individuals and on the relationship.

Inadequate Interpersonal Skills

The lack of skills creates doubt about how to express emotions.

Family

The topics you choose to fight about, and perhaps your tendencies to obsess or to forget about interpersonal conflicts, are likely influenced by your _______ history and the way conflicts were handled as you grew up.

Understand your emotions

Think about your emotions as objectively as possible. Identify, in terms as specific as possible, the antecedent conditions that may be influencing your feelings. Try to answer the question, "Why am I feeling this way?" or "What happened to lead me to feel as I do?"

Politeness Theory

Two people develop a relationship when each respects, contributes to, and acknowledges the positive and negative face needs of the other; the same relationship deteriorates when they don't.

Anger Communication

Not angry communication. In fact, it might be argued that the communication of anger ought to be especially calm and dispassionate.

Imbalance

Accept the ________ You may even redefine it as a benefit and tell yourself something like: "I had been spending too much time at work. It's probably better that I come home earlier and don't work weekends"—accepting the closeness and giving up the autonomy.

Owning Feelings

Acknowledging that your feelings are your feelings

Verbal Aggressiveness

An unproductive conflict strategy in which one person tries to win an argument by inflicting psychological pain and attacking the other person's self-concept. It's a type of disconfirmation (and the opposite of confirmation) in that it seeks to discredit the individual's view of self.

See Change

Become aware of the constant change in people and in things. Everything is in a state of flux. Even if the way you communicated last month was effective, that doesn't mean it will be effective today or tomorrow. Realize too that sudden changes (the death of a lover or a serious illness) influence what are and what are not appropriate messages.

Content Conflict

Centers on objects, events, and persons in the world that are usually external to the people involved in the conflict.

Social Exchange Theory

Claims that you develop relationships that enable you to maximize your profits Theory-based on an economic model of profits and losses. Profits = rewards − costs.

Affirming

Communicating with an __________ style leads others to perceive less verbal aggression in an interaction

Be specific

Consider, for example, the frequently heard, "I feel bad." Does it mean, "I feel guilty" (because I lied to my best friend)? "I feel lonely" (because I haven't had a date in the last two months)? "I feel depressed" (because I failed that last exam)? Describe also the intensity with which you feel the emotion: "I feel so angry I'm thinking of quitting the job." "I feel so hurt I want to cry." Also describe any mixed feelings you might have. Very often feelings are a mixture of several emotions, sometimes even of conflicting emotions. Learn the vocabulary (as well as the usefulness of smiley faces and emoticons) to describe your emotions and feelings in specific and concrete terms.

Ask for what you want

Depending on the emotions you're feeling, you may want the listener to assume a certain role or just listen or offer advice. Let the listener know what you want. Use I-messages to describe what, if anything, you want the listener to do: "I'm feeling sorry for myself right now; just give me some space. I'll give you a call in a few days." Or, more directly: "I'd prefer to be alone right now." Or "I need advice." Or "I just need someone to listen to me."

Respect emotional boundaries

Each person has a different level of tolerance for communication about emotions or communication that's emotional. Be especially alert to nonverbal cues that signal that boundaries are near to being broken. It's often useful simply to ask, "Would you rather change the subject?" At the same time, realize that you also have a certain tolerance for revealing your own feelings as well as for listening to and responding to the emotions of others.

Demand-Withdrawal

Here one person makes demands and the other person, unwilling to accede to the demands, withdraws from the interaction This pattern is obviously unproductive, but either individual can easily break it—either by not making demands or by not withdrawing and instead participating actively in conflict management.

Acknowledgment of responsibility versus blaming others

I-messages acknowledge responsibility for your feelings, whereas you-messages shift the responsibility to someone else, usually in a blaming kind of way.

Description vs. Evaluation

I-messages describe your feelings, whereas you-messages evaluate (negatively) another's behavior.

Openness versus withdrawal

I-messages encourage openness, whereas you-messages encourage defensiveness and a withdrawal from interpersonal interaction. No one wants to be attacked, and withdrawal is a common response.

Preserving versus attacking positive and negative face

I-messages preserve both positive and negative face, whereas you-messages attack the person for some wrongdoing (thus attacking positive face and the person's self-image) and also imply that this person needs to do something about it (thus attacking negative face and the person's autonomy). I-messages don't attack the person or demand that the person change his or her behavior.

Inequity

Injustice Unfairness An instance of injustice

Novelty-Predictability Tension

It centers on the competing desires for newness, different experiences, and adventure on the one hand, and for sameness, stability, and predictability on the other. You're comfortable being able to predict what will happen, and yet you also want newness, difference, and novelty.

Politeness

Relationships develop and are maintained when these needs are met. Relationships deteriorate when the rules of __________ are bent, violated too often, or ignored completely. Relationship repair is encouraged when the rules of politeness are reintroduced.

Get ready to communicate calmly and logically

Relax. Breathe deeply. Think pleasant thoughts. Tell yourself to "take it easy," "think rationally," and "calm down." Get rid of any unrealistic ideas you may have that might contribute to your anger. For example, ask yourself if this person's revealing something about your past to a third party is really all that serious or was it really intended to hurt you.

Closeness-Openness Tension

The conflict between the desire or need to be transparent and to disclose your inner self to the other person and, it's opposite, the desire or need to be less transparent and to not disclose your inner self

Closeness-Openness Tension

The conflict between the desire to be in a closed, exclusive relationship, and they wish to be in a relationship that is open to different people.

Negative Face

The desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as you wish

Positive Face

The desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably

Closedness

The desire to maintain one's privacy in a relationship

Talk

The only real alternative to force

Goals

The short-term and long-term ______ you wish to achieve influence what conflict management strategies seem appropriate to you.

Equity Theory

Uses the ideas of social exchange but goes a step further and claims that you develop and maintain relationships in which the ratio of your rewards relative to your costs is approximately equal to your partner's Puts into clear focus the sources of relational dissatisfaction seen every day. Claims clear focus on the sources of relational dissatisfaction seen every day. The greater the inequity, the greater the dissatisfaction and the greater the likelihood that the relationship will end.

Workplace Rules

Usually, part of the corporate culture that an employee would learn from observing other employees as well as from official memos on dress, sexual harassment, and the like.

Costs

What you normally try to avoid, that you consider unpleasant or difficult.

Feelings

Your ________ influence your conflict management strategies

Beliefs

Your attitudes and _______ about what is fair and equitable influence your readiness to acknowledge the fairness in the other person's position.

Personality

Your degree of extroversion and apprehension, for example, will often pose an obstacle.

Exit

_____ the relationship If the loss of autonomy is so great that you can't live with it, then you may choose simply to end the relationship and achieve your desired autonomy.

Rebalance

______ your life If you find the primary relationship excessively predictable, you may seek to satisfy the need for novelty elsewhere, perhaps with a vacation to exotic places, perhaps with a different partner. If you find the relationship too connected (even suffocating), you may seek physical and psychological space to meet your autonomy needs. You can also negotiate with your partner, for example, agreeing that you will take separate vacations or that each of you will go out separately with old friends once or twice a week.

Avoidance

_________ of conflict may involve actual physical flight, falling asleep, or blasting the stereo to drown out all conversation. It may also take the form of emotional or intellectual avoidance, whereby you leave the conflict psychologically by not dealing with the issues raised.

Argumentativeness

__________: is constructive the outcomes are positive in a variety of communication situations leads to relationship satisfaction may prevent relationship violence, especially in domestic relationships. enhances organizational life enhances parent-child communication and enables parents to gain greater compliance increases the user's credibility; argumentative are seen as trustworthy, committed, and dynamic. increases the user's power of persuasion in varied communication contexts; argumentative are more likely to be seen as leaders.