Chapter 3: choose your topic: how to be sure you hold the right conversation
Crucial conversations are
"Topic-rich" environments
What are the three signs you're having the wrong conversation?
1. Your emotions escalate 2. You walk away skeptical 3. You're in a déjà vu dialogue.
What did Charles Kettering say?
A problem well-stated is a problem half-solved.
Why is it challenging to determine when to move from content to pattern?
Because it may feel like you're jumping to conclusions if you move to pattern after only a second occurrence of the issue
Ponder, what your highest priority is then
Choose the issue that stands between you and that objective
What comes after unbundle, content, and pattern?
Choose: the next step in finding the right topic to discuss is to choose
What does choose mean?
Choosing is a matter of filtering all the issues you've teased apart through a single question "what do I really want"?
Place a bookmark
Clarity is crucial, but so is flexibility. This isn't a monologue, it should be a dialogue in some crucial conversations. New issues will come up and you need to balance focus (on your goals) with flexibility (to meet their goals)
What do you need to do to both start with a clear purpose and hold yourself accountable?
Create a simple problem sentence
We favor, recent overwrite for a couple of reasons
First, we can actually remember the specifics Second, we don't want to be accused of dredging up ancient history
What's the best way to ensure you're talking about the right topic?
Get good about noticing when you're on the wrong one memorize the three warning signs
70% of the success of a crucial conversation happens
In your head, not through your mouth
What does unbundling the issues with CPR help with?
It helps us gain clarity into the situation and sets us up to make a conscious choice at which level do we want to hold this conversation
Don't worry about how you'll say it
Just tell yourself the truth about what you want to say
In this incident, how would you use CPR to help this person decide what topic to address, an employee being called the wrong name because of their ethnicity and their manager not being willing to correct their mistake
Keep it at Contant, solve the immediate problem by correcting anyone who calls you by the wrong name or thank your manager for the suggestion, let her know you would like to be called by your given name Move to pattern express your concern that her referring to you by wrong names has become a pattern Talk relationship let your manager know that your name is an important part of your identity and that you feel disrespected. When someone you work with regularly doesn't take the time to learn it, or perhaps even more important you feel disrespected by the suggestion that you change it.
To avoid the mistake of having the wrong conversations
Learn to recognize three signals that you're talking about the wrong thing
What is important in simplifying the issue?
Narrow down the problem to a succinct (or few word) statement
When does panic set in?
Only when you conflate two problems, while part of your brain considers, "what's the real issue" another part shrieks "how in the world will I say that" don't do this!
What do most crucial problems we face require us to address?
Pattern, process, or relationship level rarely is it content
Be both focused and flexible
Pay attention to others, unintentional, or intentional efforts to change the topic. if you decide to shift topics bookmark the original one to make it easy to return to after the new topic is handled
And what other times do process issues come in to play
Process issues often come into play cross culture
At what point our process conversations the most important
Relationships that are largely or exclusively virtual
After patterns arise, what does this affect
Relationships, concerns about trust, competence, or respect
What is the acronym used to unbundle or tease apart the various issues level by level
Remember, CPR Contant, pattern, relationship
Pattern, process, and relationship level issues are like
Roots until we identify and address them we will face the same content issues again, and again
After you choose, what is your next step?
Simplify: after making your choice be sure you can state simply what you want to discuss
Even if you don't know know what to say in the moment
Stop and clarify what is truly bothering you only then can you decide what the right next step is
How do you get the "what", right?
Tell yourself the truth
What are three different things that you can choose to deal with?
The content issue, the relationship, or the pattern
Here is the pattern in patterns
The first time something happens it's an incident the second time it might be coincidence the third time it's a pattern
Content
The immediate pain
The more words it takes you to describe the topic
The less prepared you are to talk
Once you have chosen the level of conversation, it is up to you to keep it there, more often than not when you step up to a pattern or relationship relationship level conversation with someone
The other person's tendency will be to seek safety in a content level conversation
How is a person good at putting their finger on exactly the right issue?
The person knows how to unbundle, choose and simplify the issues involved
Pattern
The same problem arises more than once
Even when principles are the same
There are clear and obvious variations in the ways people communicate in different cultures
What three skills can you use to identify your topic and prepare to keep focused on it
Unbundle (unpack the various issues at play using CPR) Choose (ask yourself what do I really want) Simplify (condensed your concern into a single sentence, so you can maintain focus once the conversation gets underway)
When these doubts and questions are at the forefront of our thinking
We begin to subtly or overly relate to them differently
When CPR doesn't work, what then can we do?
We can extend our conversation to cover the issue of the process of how we are discussing issues
When faced with a high-steaks, emotional conversation
We have a bias for choosing the topic we think we can win with
What is one of the biggest mistakes we make in assuming that just because we're talking?
We must be solving the right problem.
Recent over right
We tend to focus on the most recent event, or behavior, rather than on the one that matters the most
Choosing easy topics over the hard ones
We usually pick something easier than an issue that is really in the way of our most important goals
What is that single question you ask yourself to help you choose?
What do I really want?
When is it important to address the process of how we are communicating?
When there are differences in our communication styles, or when our mode of communication changes from what we're used to
How are crucial conversations most successful?
When they are focused on one issue.
What do you do when you start a conversation focused on one issue and new issues emerge?
You have a choice to make you can either stay focused on the original issue or move to a new one in all cases you want to place a bookmark
When you place a bookmark
You make a conscious choice about what you want to talk about, you register clearly with the other person that you will return to the bookmarked issue later
If you worry about the house while trying to be honest about the what
You'll be tempted to water down your message when that happens, we dance around and sugarcoat our way through the conversation
What happens when you're not addressing the right issue?
You'll end up in the same conversation over and over again
What will you learn in part one "what to do before you open your mouth"?
You'll learn how to be sure you're talking about the right things, how to get your motives right, and how to understand and manage your own emotions when they're getting in the way of dialogue.
What happens the moment you open your mouth to hold a crucial conversation?
You've already made a decision, you've decided what to talk about.
What are the three signs you're having the wrong conversation?
Your emotions escalate, you walk away skeptical, you're in a déjà vu dialogue
