Chapter 3: Family Communication, Conflict, and Forgiveness

recognition

confirms or acknowledges the individual, shows they are significant, contributing member of the relationship

disengaged conflict

conflict behavior where act out of anger through lack of interaction with one another; often happens in relationships where they aren't emotionally close

denial conflict

conflict exhibited when a person's words don't align with their nonverbal behaviors

destructive conflict

conflict that can be either overt (obvious) or covert (subtle) but is hurtful either way; types: denial, disqualification, displacement/scapegoating, disengaged, pseudomutuality

pseudomutuality conflict

conflict that gives the appearance of being close and of having no conflict but there is anger/hostility beneath the surface

over/verbal conflict

conflict that includes negative and hurtful language and verbal assaults

disqualification conflict

conflict where a person attempts to cover up an expressed emotion

displacement conflict /scapegoating

conflict where someone takes out their frustration on someone who isn't the original object of the anger

types of conflict

constructive conflict, destructive conflict

nonregulated couples

couples who have a difficult time bouncing back from arguments and disputes b/c of the way they handle the conflict only compounds the issues at hand

men's communication

men's metamessage is helping and fixing problems; want to be problem solver, advice giver; use control and dominance

common sources of conflict

money, division of household labor, sex, personal habits, and personal preferences

role strain

occurs when there are competing demands from multiple roles

narcissistic entitlement

people who believe they are entitled to only good things; view forgiveness as too risky and unfair; believe they are above forgiving or asking for forgiveness

relational messages

refer to those messages that have something to do with the partner or the relationship; most often communicated without words instead through emotional or nonverbal behavior

relational culture

refers to a framework of understandings - private, unique, distinct language - that couples construct in private; coordinate attitudes, actions, and identities of the couple and the family members; has to be developed by each new couple through sharing and interpreting meanings

verbal communication

refers to exchanges of thoughts, messages, or information through spoken word; words used, tone, expression, structure, and organization of words

cohesion

refers to family's emotional bonding, ranges from disengaged-connected-enmeshed

flexibility

refers to how families balance change in roles and relationships, ranges from rigid-structured-chaotic

symbols

representations of shared meaning; can be universal or culturally specific

symbolic interaction theory

revolves around the notion that human behavior is a continuous dialogue where people watch the behaviors of other people and then react to those behaviors; all human behavior is social where we exchange meaning; how meanings are formed, assessed, sustained, and transformed through culturally and socially defined processes

constructive conflict

serves to build relationships and foster loyalty, commitment, and intimacy

symbolic interactions theory (key concepts)

symbols and roles

trouble talk

talking about emotional and relationship problems; men will likely give advice, joke, change subject, be silent; women likely sympathize, care, show solidarity

two levels of meaning in communication

the message and the metamessage

emotional communication

the physical gestures and movements that convey our emotions

communication

the process of making and sharing meaning; is a transaction, process, co-construction of meanings, involves symbols

role conflict

the psychological stress and tension that result when people undertake multiple roles that are incompatible

transactional process

the simultaneous effect on us and our intimate relations that communication has; focuses the interaction more on the interconnectedness of the relationships rather than on the words

metamessage

the underlying context that communication takes places, what is communicated about the relationship between the parties

nonrelational messages

those issues or topics that have to do with things outside of the relationship

goal of human interaction

to create shared meanings and to understand the meanings that are communicated

nurturing communication

translates into interactions that convey intimacy, caring, recognition, and validation of family members

functional communication

type of communication that addresses only the ins and outs of daily life, may leave individuals feeling like something is missing in family connections

regulated couples

use communication patterns and interpersonal behaviors that promote closeness and intimacy; more positive comments than negative during tense moments; types: validating, volatile, conflict-minimizing

validating couples

use constructive conflict management; empathic and supportive; try to gauge each other's emotions; listen actively and respectfully, validate others feelings; seldom express negative emotions toward one another; are happy but not necessarily passionate

confirming messages/responses

validate those whom we are communicating; recognition of other person, relevant dialogue, acceptance

family systems theory (FST)

views families as a whole entity made up of interconnected parts that seek to maintain balance; central concept: we have interdependent relationships with others on day-to-day basis; family has interdependent but separate parts

self-disclosure

voluntarily sharing something personal or private with someone else; two way process; requires trust, sense of emotional safety; increases with relational intimacy and satisfaction

family meetings

weekly family discussions (formal or informal) give structure and organization that allows for meaningful conversation

active/effective listening

listening to understand the intended meaning of the sender; other centered

system

'to place together' or to connect one entity to another

4 horseman of the apocolypse

4 really bad things to happen during conflict - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling

forgiveness

a deliberate process that transforms a strong desire for revenge into a positive response; a process where forgiver intentionally moves negative feelings to more positive ones; happens on intrapersonal and interpersonal level; is defined by each family, behaviors are subjective

family system

a living, ever-changing, dynamic entity that consists of various individuals and their interconnected, intergenerational patterns of interactions

communication is

a process; it progresses, develops, and changes over time

circumplex model of marital and family systems

a way to assess a family's level of functioning and health; addresses family cohesion, adaptability, and communication

general systems theory (GST)

a worldview or paradigm that puts forth the notion that objects do not exist in isolation, but instead are interconnected to parts of a larger whole

family systems theory: key concepts

can only understand a family by looking at the whole; interconnecting; look at the whole; establishing boundaries; maintaining balance/homeostasis; circumplex model; creating rules

indirect forgiveness

forgiveness done through nonverbal displays (hugs, smiles, eye contact), act as though transgression never happened by going back to normal

direct forgiveness

forgiveness given clearly, plainly, and directly tell the offender that she/he is forgiven; often use strategies that include discussing the offense and issues surrounding it; forgiver tells offender that he/she understands

conditional forgivenss

forgiveness that has conditions attached to it, used when people want relational repair but want to make it very clear that repeating certain behaviors won't be tolerated

acceptance

gives every member the sense that they are 'all right'

nonverbal communication

happens with or without the spoken word; facial expressions, motions of body, eye contact, patterns of touch, expressive movements, hand gestures, spatial arrangements in physical environment, and displayed emotions

volatile couples

have intense emotion, passion, and romance, even though they have intense fighting matches still have genuine and intimate connection

decode

how we interpret the unspoken exchanges that take place; big part of relationship satisfaction

conflict-minimizing couples

ignore or avoid conflict, minimize significance of the trouble; live with unresolved issues just below the surface; still use positive language rather than negative, distancing language

categories of rules for communication

what can/cannot talk about, feelings allowed to be shared, decision making, how we can talk about it, communication strategies

gunnysacking

when a spouse or family member holds in resentment, hurt, anger, frustration, and bitter feelings until the 'last straw' and then finally unloads all the pent up feelings during an argument

reflective listening

when we pay close attention to a person's verbal and emotional (nonverbal) messages and respectfully acknowledge their perspective; seek clarification, reframe the message

self-righteousness

where a person can't see his/her own potential for doing wrong or hurting another person; are less willing to forgive and harsher in judging others

women's communicaiton

women's metamessage is empathy and understanding