Chapter 3: Family Communication, Conflict, and Forgiveness
recognition
confirms or acknowledges the individual, shows they are significant, contributing member of the relationship
disengaged conflict
conflict behavior where act out of anger through lack of interaction with one another; often happens in relationships where they aren't emotionally close
denial conflict
conflict exhibited when a person's words don't align with their nonverbal behaviors
destructive conflict
conflict that can be either overt (obvious) or covert (subtle) but is hurtful either way; types: denial, disqualification, displacement/scapegoating, disengaged, pseudomutuality
pseudomutuality conflict
conflict that gives the appearance of being close and of having no conflict but there is anger/hostility beneath the surface
over/verbal conflict
conflict that includes negative and hurtful language and verbal assaults
disqualification conflict
conflict where a person attempts to cover up an expressed emotion
displacement conflict /scapegoating
conflict where someone takes out their frustration on someone who isn't the original object of the anger
types of conflict
constructive conflict, destructive conflict
nonregulated couples
couples who have a difficult time bouncing back from arguments and disputes b/c of the way they handle the conflict only compounds the issues at hand
men's communication
men's metamessage is helping and fixing problems; want to be problem solver, advice giver; use control and dominance
common sources of conflict
money, division of household labor, sex, personal habits, and personal preferences
role strain
occurs when there are competing demands from multiple roles
narcissistic entitlement
people who believe they are entitled to only good things; view forgiveness as too risky and unfair; believe they are above forgiving or asking for forgiveness
relational messages
refer to those messages that have something to do with the partner or the relationship; most often communicated without words instead through emotional or nonverbal behavior
relational culture
refers to a framework of understandings - private, unique, distinct language - that couples construct in private; coordinate attitudes, actions, and identities of the couple and the family members; has to be developed by each new couple through sharing and interpreting meanings
verbal communication
refers to exchanges of thoughts, messages, or information through spoken word; words used, tone, expression, structure, and organization of words
cohesion
refers to family's emotional bonding, ranges from disengaged-connected-enmeshed
flexibility
refers to how families balance change in roles and relationships, ranges from rigid-structured-chaotic
symbols
representations of shared meaning; can be universal or culturally specific
symbolic interaction theory
revolves around the notion that human behavior is a continuous dialogue where people watch the behaviors of other people and then react to those behaviors; all human behavior is social where we exchange meaning; how meanings are formed, assessed, sustained, and transformed through culturally and socially defined processes
constructive conflict
serves to build relationships and foster loyalty, commitment, and intimacy
symbolic interactions theory (key concepts)
symbols and roles
trouble talk
talking about emotional and relationship problems; men will likely give advice, joke, change subject, be silent; women likely sympathize, care, show solidarity
two levels of meaning in communication
the message and the metamessage
emotional communication
the physical gestures and movements that convey our emotions
communication
the process of making and sharing meaning; is a transaction, process, co-construction of meanings, involves symbols
role conflict
the psychological stress and tension that result when people undertake multiple roles that are incompatible
transactional process
the simultaneous effect on us and our intimate relations that communication has; focuses the interaction more on the interconnectedness of the relationships rather than on the words
metamessage
the underlying context that communication takes places, what is communicated about the relationship between the parties
nonrelational messages
those issues or topics that have to do with things outside of the relationship
goal of human interaction
to create shared meanings and to understand the meanings that are communicated
nurturing communication
translates into interactions that convey intimacy, caring, recognition, and validation of family members
functional communication
type of communication that addresses only the ins and outs of daily life, may leave individuals feeling like something is missing in family connections
regulated couples
use communication patterns and interpersonal behaviors that promote closeness and intimacy; more positive comments than negative during tense moments; types: validating, volatile, conflict-minimizing
validating couples
use constructive conflict management; empathic and supportive; try to gauge each other's emotions; listen actively and respectfully, validate others feelings; seldom express negative emotions toward one another; are happy but not necessarily passionate
confirming messages/responses
validate those whom we are communicating; recognition of other person, relevant dialogue, acceptance
family systems theory (FST)
views families as a whole entity made up of interconnected parts that seek to maintain balance; central concept: we have interdependent relationships with others on day-to-day basis; family has interdependent but separate parts
self-disclosure
voluntarily sharing something personal or private with someone else; two way process; requires trust, sense of emotional safety; increases with relational intimacy and satisfaction
family meetings
weekly family discussions (formal or informal) give structure and organization that allows for meaningful conversation
active/effective listening
listening to understand the intended meaning of the sender; other centered
system
'to place together' or to connect one entity to another
4 horseman of the apocolypse
4 really bad things to happen during conflict - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling
forgiveness
a deliberate process that transforms a strong desire for revenge into a positive response; a process where forgiver intentionally moves negative feelings to more positive ones; happens on intrapersonal and interpersonal level; is defined by each family, behaviors are subjective
family system
a living, ever-changing, dynamic entity that consists of various individuals and their interconnected, intergenerational patterns of interactions
communication is
a process; it progresses, develops, and changes over time
circumplex model of marital and family systems
a way to assess a family's level of functioning and health; addresses family cohesion, adaptability, and communication
general systems theory (GST)
a worldview or paradigm that puts forth the notion that objects do not exist in isolation, but instead are interconnected to parts of a larger whole
family systems theory: key concepts
can only understand a family by looking at the whole; interconnecting; look at the whole; establishing boundaries; maintaining balance/homeostasis; circumplex model; creating rules
indirect forgiveness
forgiveness done through nonverbal displays (hugs, smiles, eye contact), act as though transgression never happened by going back to normal
direct forgiveness
forgiveness given clearly, plainly, and directly tell the offender that she/he is forgiven; often use strategies that include discussing the offense and issues surrounding it; forgiver tells offender that he/she understands
conditional forgivenss
forgiveness that has conditions attached to it, used when people want relational repair but want to make it very clear that repeating certain behaviors won't be tolerated
acceptance
gives every member the sense that they are 'all right'
nonverbal communication
happens with or without the spoken word; facial expressions, motions of body, eye contact, patterns of touch, expressive movements, hand gestures, spatial arrangements in physical environment, and displayed emotions
volatile couples
have intense emotion, passion, and romance, even though they have intense fighting matches still have genuine and intimate connection
decode
how we interpret the unspoken exchanges that take place; big part of relationship satisfaction
conflict-minimizing couples
ignore or avoid conflict, minimize significance of the trouble; live with unresolved issues just below the surface; still use positive language rather than negative, distancing language
categories of rules for communication
what can/cannot talk about, feelings allowed to be shared, decision making, how we can talk about it, communication strategies
gunnysacking
when a spouse or family member holds in resentment, hurt, anger, frustration, and bitter feelings until the 'last straw' and then finally unloads all the pent up feelings during an argument
reflective listening
when we pay close attention to a person's verbal and emotional (nonverbal) messages and respectfully acknowledge their perspective; seek clarification, reframe the message
self-righteousness
where a person can't see his/her own potential for doing wrong or hurting another person; are less willing to forgive and harsher in judging others
women's communicaiton
women's metamessage is empathy and understanding