Chapter 3:Family communication, conflict, and forgiveness
I messages include what parts?
1. a clear statement of how the parent feels 2. a statement of the behavior that has caused the parent to feel that way 3. a statement describing why the behavior is upsetting to the parent I feel __ when ___ because ___
A few helpful hints
1. complain without criticizing 2. look for the longing in each other's complaints 3. express appreciation for each other 4. Say what i want rather than what I don't want 5. Avoid confer attacked and counter-criticism 6. Express your needs to each other in more specific ways 7.take time together to build emotional and physical intimacy 8. Take time for relaxation, exercise, and romance 9. connect emotionally before trying to solve problems
Indirect communication
Hint at what you mean, think, or feel Reveal information slowly (wait for reaction before revealing too much) Let others say what we want to say
role conflict
conflicting role pressures
four horsemen of the apocalypse
criticism defensiveness contempt stonewalling
Poor communication examples
criticism leads to fights fights create bitterness Bitterness leads to a lack of trust Lack of trust develops depression, anger, and resentment Depression, anger, or resentment leads to more fights
Nonverbal communication
emotional communication gestures and movements that convey our emotions
validating couples
empathetic, supportive, seldom express negative emotions
Poor communication __ disagreements or difference
esculates
Key Concepts of systems framework
establishing boundaries
If something happens to one of the individuals in the family system, _
every part is affected
Verbal communication
exchanges of thoughts, messages, or information through the spoken word
Compromising is finding a ___ so ___ partners are __ off (creating a ____ solution)
middle group both better win-win
Areas of conflict in relationships
money matters division of household labor sex
One way to end this downward cycle is to learn to ____ and ____
negotiates compromise *Arguments are not something to win *fights are not contests *compromising is not giving in
Open boundaries
open communication
the faker
pretend to listen but don't. Their minds wander in and out of the conversation, but they may nod their hear or smile as if they are listening
A couples develop a ___
private message system
By using I-messages, partners learn about the other's __?
reations
Good communication helps to ___ potential problem areas
remove
Defensiveness
seeing one's self as the victim; warding off a perceived attack Yes, but.... "I did this because YOU..."
What does communication entail?
sender---message--receiver--feedback
A partner has opportunity to ___ in response to I-messages?
solve problems
nonverbal communication occurs with or without the
spoken word
Anger "insteads"
substitutes for dealing with emotions:overreacting, depression, illness, ect
private message system?
system of rules for communicating with the relationship
Establishing boundaries
the border between it and its environment, affecting the flow of infer. into/out of the system
**Poor listening styles?
the faker the interrupter the intellectual listener The self-conscious listener the judge and jury listener
The judge and jury listener
these listeners judge the ideas and behaviors of others, letting others know how wrong or incorrect their thoughts and feelings are. In doing so, they don to hear what the other is saying
Regulated couples (gottman)
use communication patterns that promote closeness and intimacy
symbols
used to share meanings
forgiveness is not ___, excusing, or forgetting what happend
condoning
Closed boundaries
little communication between the family
You can only understand a person's behavior by ___
looking at the whole system
Benefits
maintain healthy relationships most important tool available for the longevity of relationships
Six qualities of "strong" family cohesion (Stinnet 1997)
1. Communicate appreciation for one another 2. Arrange personal schedules so members can do things together 3. Have a high degree of commitment to promoting one another's happiness and welfare 4. Have a strong valve system 5. Are able to deal with crisis in + (positive) manner 6. Have positive communication patterns
Process of forgiveness
1. I admitted to myself that the person hurt me 2. I became aware of my anger 3. I admitted to myself that I felt shamed or humiliated by what the person did. 4. I lost my energy by staying resentful 5.I thought over and over about what happened 6. I compared my unfortunate state with offender's more fortunate state 7/ I realized that I may have been permanently changed by the offense 8. I begin to think that people in general-not just my offender-were bad and selfish 9.I realized that my ways of handling the problem were not working 10. I was willing to consider forgiveness as an option 11. I committed to forgive the person who hurt me 12. I thought of the person who offended me in broader and more positive terms 13. the anger left me
Cornerstones of communication
Developing relational cultures Confirming messages and responses -look up from your screen Self disclosure Communicate often Listen actively Use humor
Who developed the family systems theory?
Murry Bowen
Barriers
Pride -narcissistic entitlement -self-righteousness vulnerability
The intellectual listener
Rather than listen relationally, intellectual listener attend only to the actual spoken words. They ignore nonverbal communication cues and approach the conversation in a rational, logical way, rather than relying on their feelings or emotions
Direct communication
Say what you think and feel maintains eye contact may be interpreted negatively ("insensitive") or positively ("honest person")
Metamessage
The message about the message (the non-verbal actions and meaning of message)
The self conscious listener
These listeners are more concerned with their own status and impressing someone tan they are with the thoughts, ideas, of feelings of the other. Because they are trying to impress people with whom they are communicating, they do not listen with understanding. Instead, while the other is talking, the self-conscious listener is already forming his or her reply
Studies have found that the majority of problems found in marriages and families stem from __
communication
role strain
competing demands from multiple roles
Ways to become a better active listeners
Try not to attempt active listening when you are hurried or preoccupied--persistence and patience are necessary You need to attend to both the loved one's words and his/her behavioral cues Learn when not to push--sometimes someone simply may not want to talk about his/her feelings If active listening has gone as far as the person is willing to go, respect his/her need to stop
Family system Theory? *mobile
Views the family as a whole entity comprised of interconnected parts.
Can symbols be universal?
YES
forgiveness
a deliberate process that transforms a strong desire for revenge into a positive response ---moving from a negative to positive
roles
a system of meaning
I messages can be a positive too?
a way to express apreciation
circumplex model of marital and family systems
addresses family cohesion, adaptability, and communication
Symbolic interaction framework
all humans behavior revolves around social behavior where there is an exchange of messages and symbolic meanings between actors.
Side effects of avoiding conflict
anger "insteads" Passive aggression Devitalized marriage
The interrupter
are more concerned about their own thoughts and feelings than they are with those of others. They seldom allow the other person to finish, or they immediately respond without pausing for much reflection or consideration of what the other has said. They seldom offer and understanding ear.
criticism
attacking a person's character or personality You always and you never
Contempt
attacking with the intent of psychological abuse Hostile mocking, sarcasm; sneering, rolling eyes, curling lip Conveying that one's partner is inferior or undersirable
conflict minimizing couple
avoid conflict, minimize significance of trouble, conflict kept below the surface
constructive conflict
builds relationships and fosters loyalty commitment and intimacy
volatile couple
charged with intense emotion, passion, romance, intense disputes but remain intimacy connected
David olson devised the _____
circumplex model
Passive-aggression
express indirectly to avoid direct conflict:nagging, criticism, sarcasm
Includes ___, motions of the body, eye contact, patterns of touch, __ hand gestures and more
facial expressions ?
maintaining balance
families work to achieve and maintain homeostasis
What does it assess?
family's level of functioning
Gottman
four horsemen of the apocalypse
How couples _____ determines marital longevity
handles conflict
non regulated couples (gotten)
have difficulty resolving conflicts, interactions far more negative
I messages
help people have better communication
Objects of not exist in
isolations
Devitalized marriage
just going through the motions; thrill is gone; negatively
Stonewalling behaviors
leaving the scene when the fight threatens turning sullen and refusing to argue or talk Derailing arguments "I can't take it when you yell at me"
Creating rules of communication?
what we can and cannot talk about feelings that are allowed to be shared Decision making process How we can talk about it (communication strategies)
What are the benefits of I-messages?
when partners use I-messages, they begin to take their own needs seriously
Stonewalling
withdrawing completely to avoid communication silent treatment, monosyllabic mutterings, physical distancing Include ignoring, withdrawing, or minimizing communication