Chapter 3:Family communication, conflict, and forgiveness

I messages include what parts?

1. a clear statement of how the parent feels 2. a statement of the behavior that has caused the parent to feel that way 3. a statement describing why the behavior is upsetting to the parent I feel __ when ___ because ___

A few helpful hints

1. complain without criticizing 2. look for the longing in each other's complaints 3. express appreciation for each other 4. Say what i want rather than what I don't want 5. Avoid confer attacked and counter-criticism 6. Express your needs to each other in more specific ways 7.take time together to build emotional and physical intimacy 8. Take time for relaxation, exercise, and romance 9. connect emotionally before trying to solve problems

Indirect communication

Hint at what you mean, think, or feel Reveal information slowly (wait for reaction before revealing too much) Let others say what we want to say

role conflict

conflicting role pressures

four horsemen of the apocalypse

criticism defensiveness contempt stonewalling

Poor communication examples

criticism leads to fights fights create bitterness Bitterness leads to a lack of trust Lack of trust develops depression, anger, and resentment Depression, anger, or resentment leads to more fights

Nonverbal communication

emotional communication gestures and movements that convey our emotions

validating couples

empathetic, supportive, seldom express negative emotions

Poor communication __ disagreements or difference

esculates

Key Concepts of systems framework

establishing boundaries

If something happens to one of the individuals in the family system, _

every part is affected

Verbal communication

exchanges of thoughts, messages, or information through the spoken word

Compromising is finding a ___ so ___ partners are __ off (creating a ____ solution)

middle group both better win-win

Areas of conflict in relationships

money matters division of household labor sex

One way to end this downward cycle is to learn to ____ and ____

negotiates compromise *Arguments are not something to win *fights are not contests *compromising is not giving in

Open boundaries

open communication

the faker

pretend to listen but don't. Their minds wander in and out of the conversation, but they may nod their hear or smile as if they are listening

A couples develop a ___

private message system

By using I-messages, partners learn about the other's __?

reations

Good communication helps to ___ potential problem areas

remove

Defensiveness

seeing one's self as the victim; warding off a perceived attack Yes, but.... "I did this because YOU..."

What does communication entail?

sender---message--receiver--feedback

A partner has opportunity to ___ in response to I-messages?

solve problems

nonverbal communication occurs with or without the

spoken word

Anger "insteads"

substitutes for dealing with emotions:overreacting, depression, illness, ect

private message system?

system of rules for communicating with the relationship

Establishing boundaries

the border between it and its environment, affecting the flow of infer. into/out of the system

**Poor listening styles?

the faker the interrupter the intellectual listener The self-conscious listener the judge and jury listener

The judge and jury listener

these listeners judge the ideas and behaviors of others, letting others know how wrong or incorrect their thoughts and feelings are. In doing so, they don to hear what the other is saying

Regulated couples (gottman)

use communication patterns that promote closeness and intimacy

symbols

used to share meanings

forgiveness is not ___, excusing, or forgetting what happend

condoning

Closed boundaries

little communication between the family

You can only understand a person's behavior by ___

looking at the whole system

Benefits

maintain healthy relationships most important tool available for the longevity of relationships

Six qualities of "strong" family cohesion (Stinnet 1997)

1. Communicate appreciation for one another 2. Arrange personal schedules so members can do things together 3. Have a high degree of commitment to promoting one another's happiness and welfare 4. Have a strong valve system 5. Are able to deal with crisis in + (positive) manner 6. Have positive communication patterns

Process of forgiveness

1. I admitted to myself that the person hurt me 2. I became aware of my anger 3. I admitted to myself that I felt shamed or humiliated by what the person did. 4. I lost my energy by staying resentful 5.I thought over and over about what happened 6. I compared my unfortunate state with offender's more fortunate state 7/ I realized that I may have been permanently changed by the offense 8. I begin to think that people in general-not just my offender-were bad and selfish 9.I realized that my ways of handling the problem were not working 10. I was willing to consider forgiveness as an option 11. I committed to forgive the person who hurt me 12. I thought of the person who offended me in broader and more positive terms 13. the anger left me

Cornerstones of communication

Developing relational cultures Confirming messages and responses -look up from your screen Self disclosure Communicate often Listen actively Use humor

Who developed the family systems theory?

Murry Bowen

Barriers

Pride -narcissistic entitlement -self-righteousness vulnerability

The intellectual listener

Rather than listen relationally, intellectual listener attend only to the actual spoken words. They ignore nonverbal communication cues and approach the conversation in a rational, logical way, rather than relying on their feelings or emotions

Direct communication

Say what you think and feel maintains eye contact may be interpreted negatively ("insensitive") or positively ("honest person")

Metamessage

The message about the message (the non-verbal actions and meaning of message)

The self conscious listener

These listeners are more concerned with their own status and impressing someone tan they are with the thoughts, ideas, of feelings of the other. Because they are trying to impress people with whom they are communicating, they do not listen with understanding. Instead, while the other is talking, the self-conscious listener is already forming his or her reply

Studies have found that the majority of problems found in marriages and families stem from __

communication

role strain

competing demands from multiple roles

Ways to become a better active listeners

Try not to attempt active listening when you are hurried or preoccupied--persistence and patience are necessary You need to attend to both the loved one's words and his/her behavioral cues Learn when not to push--sometimes someone simply may not want to talk about his/her feelings If active listening has gone as far as the person is willing to go, respect his/her need to stop

Family system Theory? *mobile

Views the family as a whole entity comprised of interconnected parts.

Can symbols be universal?

YES

forgiveness

a deliberate process that transforms a strong desire for revenge into a positive response ---moving from a negative to positive

roles

a system of meaning

I messages can be a positive too?

a way to express apreciation

circumplex model of marital and family systems

addresses family cohesion, adaptability, and communication

Symbolic interaction framework

all humans behavior revolves around social behavior where there is an exchange of messages and symbolic meanings between actors.

Side effects of avoiding conflict

anger "insteads" Passive aggression Devitalized marriage

The interrupter

are more concerned about their own thoughts and feelings than they are with those of others. They seldom allow the other person to finish, or they immediately respond without pausing for much reflection or consideration of what the other has said. They seldom offer and understanding ear.

criticism

attacking a person's character or personality You always and you never

Contempt

attacking with the intent of psychological abuse Hostile mocking, sarcasm; sneering, rolling eyes, curling lip Conveying that one's partner is inferior or undersirable

conflict minimizing couple

avoid conflict, minimize significance of trouble, conflict kept below the surface

constructive conflict

builds relationships and fosters loyalty commitment and intimacy

volatile couple

charged with intense emotion, passion, romance, intense disputes but remain intimacy connected

David olson devised the _____

circumplex model

Passive-aggression

express indirectly to avoid direct conflict:nagging, criticism, sarcasm

Includes ___, motions of the body, eye contact, patterns of touch, __ hand gestures and more

facial expressions ?

maintaining balance

families work to achieve and maintain homeostasis

What does it assess?

family's level of functioning

Gottman

four horsemen of the apocalypse

How couples _____ determines marital longevity

handles conflict

non regulated couples (gotten)

have difficulty resolving conflicts, interactions far more negative

I messages

help people have better communication

Objects of not exist in

isolations

Devitalized marriage

just going through the motions; thrill is gone; negatively

Stonewalling behaviors

leaving the scene when the fight threatens turning sullen and refusing to argue or talk Derailing arguments "I can't take it when you yell at me"

Creating rules of communication?

what we can and cannot talk about feelings that are allowed to be shared Decision making process How we can talk about it (communication strategies)

What are the benefits of I-messages?

when partners use I-messages, they begin to take their own needs seriously

Stonewalling

withdrawing completely to avoid communication silent treatment, monosyllabic mutterings, physical distancing Include ignoring, withdrawing, or minimizing communication