Chapter 5:Communication

Discuss and displaying negative affect during interactions defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence).

-*Defensiveness*: the partners seek to protect themselves from the unreasonable attack by making excuses or by cross-complaning, hurling, counterattacks of their own -*Stonewalling*: as partner "clams up" and reacts to the messy situation by withdrawing into a stony silence. Helping by refusing to further argue, but no response is infuriating. -*Belligerence*: when one partner aggressively rejects the other all together. -Couples displaying these behaviors are much more likely to divorce within six years.

Describe the channel of facial expressions and which each one does?

-*Facial Expressions*: signal their moods & emotions in a manner you'll recognize anywhere you go. Even if you do not speak the same lang you can tell if others are happy. People do not learn to smile they are born to do it. -the bigger the smiles college kids posted during their first semester at school, the more satisfied they were with their social lives & college careers when they were seniors. Smile least five times more likely to get divorced. -happy faces are correlated w/success in life. -better at identifying emotions that are expressed by others from our own cultural groups than we do in recognizing the expressions of ppl from elsewhere.

What is interpersonal influence, and impression management?

-*Interpersonal* is goal-oriented behavior designed to influence someone else, as a person requests a favor from his friend, he leans forward, touches him on the arm and gazes intensely -*Impression*: nonverbal behavior that is managed by a person or a couple to create or enhance a particular image. -a couple may quarrel on the way to a party then hold hands and pretend to be happy once everyone arrives.

Define self-disclosure and discuss social penetration theory. What is the link between self-disclosure and relationship satisfaction?

-*Self-Disclosure*: the process of revealing personal information to someone else, it is one of the defining characteristics of intimacy. Need to share personal confidential info w/one another. -*Self-Penetration theory*: relationships develop through systematic changes in communication. You increase intimacy by increasing: -*Breadth*: the variety of topics they discuss & -*depth*: the personal significance of the topics they discuss. -Self-disclosure at the beginning is likely to be narrow & shallow, as the relationship goes on it gets broader & deeper. -this tends to be a gradual process & requires reciprocity(partners match each other's level of openness, disclosing as much as the other does.

Suggest ways of communication that can make things better rather than worse, such as behavior descriptions, I- and XYZ statements, active listening (including paraphrasing and perception checking), and staying cool and being polite.

-Behavior description is when it tells our partners what is on our minds but also focuses the conversation on discrete, manageable behaviors that can often be changed. -Good descriptions specifics a particular event & does not involve generalities; words such as always and never shouldn't be used. -*I-statements*: they specify our feelings, start with I and then describe an emotional reaction, force us to identify our feelings, & acknowledge them instead of keeping the entire focus on the partner. -*XYZ* Statements: when you do *X* in a situation *Y(that is a good behavior description. I feel *Z*(an I-statement)

Describe a simple model of interpersonal communication

-Communication begins with the sender's intentions, the message that the sender wishes to convey; the senders intentions are private and known only to him or her -For them to be communicated to the listener, they must be encoded into verbal and nonverbal actions that are public & observable. -Mood, social skill, or noisy distractions can influence or interfere w/this process. -Then the receiver must decode the speaker's actions & interference can occur here as well. -The effect on listener is private and known only to him or her. -getting from one person's intentions to the impact of the person's message on a lister involves several steps.

What is the Noller study in regards to Nonverbal sensitivity?

-Couples send messages with different non-verbal cues. -Interpreted by partner & objective observers -If observers and partner can't figure it out then the spouses encoding is assumed to be faulty -If the observers can and partner can't then the partners decoding is implicated. -Husbands in an unhappy marriages send more confusing messages & made more decoding error than happy husbands did. -Men in troubled marriages were misinterpreting communications from their wives that were legible to total strangers. They were clueless about it. -Compared accuracy in decoding others messages to accuracy in strangers; in unhappy marriages both the husband and wives understood the stranger better. -when they were dissatisfied everyone was communicating poorly. -women in unhappy & happy were equally good.

What are display rules?

-Cultural norms that dictate what emotions are appropriate in certain situations

What does the channel touch do?

-Helps define relationships, conveys closeness & affection, partners touch more as a relationship becomes more intimate which is associated with better health outcomes. -Signals dominance & status, high-status ppl are more likely to touch those of lower status. Kissing partner reduces cholesterol//have healing properties.

Explain the importance of accurate encoding and decoding of nonverbal communication in marital satisfaction and the role played by husbands and wives when they miscommunicate.

-Husbands and wives who do poorly at nonverbal communication tend to be dissatisfied with their marriages. -the sender could send a confusing message that is hard to read(poor encoding) or the receiver may fail to correctly interpret a message that is clear to everyone else(poor decoding) -women are both better encoders and decoders than men; women use subtle nonverbal cues to discern what is going on. -mens performance improves when they are motivated to pay close attention.

What does it mean to be polite and stay cool?

-Negative affect reciprocity in which they are contemptuous of each other, with each being scornful of what the other has to say. -happy couples avoid this. -defusing cycles of increasing crankiness when they begin is very beneficial. -being able to say cool when provoked by a partner and being able to cal down when angry are very valuable skills. -anger comes from perception that others are causing illegitimate, unfair, avoidable grief, use a diff point of view to reduce or prevent anger. -try to agree to be polite to each other when you disagree.

Explain the functions of nonverbal communication (providing information, regulating interaction, defining the nature of the relationships

-Nonverbal includes all the things people do in their interactions expect for their spoken words and syntax. -it can serve several functions in our transactions with others. -1) *Provides Information* about peoples moods or meaning. If you playfully tease someone your expression/sound is the only ppl know you are kidding. So important we have invented emojis to show what we mean. 2) *Regulates interactions*. Determines whether or not interaction ever begins and subtle nonverbal cues that allow ppl to take turns in a convo. 3) Helps to *define the relationships* by expressing intimacy & carrying signals of power & status. Ppl who are intimate w/others act differently toward one another than acquittances do.

Describe how different channels of nonverbal communication reinforce each other.

-Often our nonverbal communication means more than our verbal communication. E.G. Sarcasm; their true intent is conveyed not in words but their actions & paralanguage. Communicates the same message as our words. -truth behind words lies behind their nonverbal, not verbal -*all channels may be involved in non conscious behavioral *mimicry* that occurs during a convo when ppl adopt similar postures & mannerisms, expressions, and paralanguage. -when you use mimicry you attribute more positive traits to that person, you kind of want people to imitate you.

What is interpersonal distance/different zones?

-The physical space that separates two people-usually reserved for intimate interactions. -*Intimate Zone*: extends out from the front of our chest about a foot and a half. if two people are standing face-face their interaction is quite loving or hostile. *Within 1.5ft of each other* -*Personal Zone*: ranges from *1.5-4ft* away from us, friends are likely to interact at smaller distances & acquaintances at larger ones. -*Social Zone 4 to 12 feet*, interactions tend to be more businesslike. Sit across the desk at an interview or a professor. -*Public zone*: structured interactions like that between instructor and his or her students in a lecture class. *Beyond 12ft* -French, latin & Arabic cultures prefer smaller distances than these. -Men prefer larger distances than women do, stand further away from others of high status than lower. -Unhappy couples maintain greater distances

Discuss yes-butting, cross-complaining

-They listen poorly by finding something wrong or unworkable with anything their partners say. -*Yes-Butting*: communicates constant criticism of the others' point of view. Yeah we could try this but it won't work because.. -*Cross-Complaning*: fails to acknowledge others' concerns instead of expressing interest in what their partners have to say, they just respond to a complaint with one of their own. "i hate the way you leave the dishes in the sink, well i hate the way you leave the clothes on the floor"

Discuss and displaying negative affect during interactions (such as criticism, contempt.

-Unhappy partners too often display negative affect when they talk to each other. They react to their partner's complaints w/sacrastic disregard that is demeaning & scornful, instead of mending their problems. -*Criticism*: attacks a partners personality or character instead of identifying a specific behavior that is causing concern. -*Contempt*: in the forms of insults, mockery or hostile humor is often involved as well.

Discuss the dysfunctional communication patterns of unhappy partners, including kitchen-sinking, drifting off-beam, mindreading, interrupting

-Unhappy people do a poor job of saying what they mean. -*Kitchen-Sinking*: they address several topics at once so everything but "kitchen sink" gets dragged into the convo. Their primary concern gets lost in the barrage of frustrations that are announced at the same time. They have a hard time saying the specific complaint. -*Off-beam*: wandering from topic to topic so that the convo never stays on one problem long enough to resolve it. Do not stay on topic. -Unhappy partners do a poor job of hearing each other. -*Mindreading*: when people assume that they understand their partners' thoughts, feelings & opinions without asking. they perceive unpleasant motives where neutral or positive ones actually exist. -*Interrupt* each other in neg ways. express agreement or ask for clarification may be communicating happily & well. those who express disagreement are disregarded & unappreciated.

Explain the power of respect and validation in good communication.

-Validation of our partners that acknowledges the legitimacy of their opinions and communicates respect for their positions is always a desirable goal in intimate interaction. -Does not require that you agree with someone, you can have respect & recognition of your partner w/out agreeing. -validating our partners will make our own disagreements much more tolerable.

What are four ways that we try to modify our expressions of emotions?

-We may *intensify* our expressions, exaggerating them so that we appear to be experiencing stronger feelings than we really are. -We sometimes &minimize* trying to seem less emotional than we really are, "culture assumes big boys do not cry' -We may &neutralize* our expressions, trying to withhold our true feelings altogether. Poker players try to do this so that they give no hint of what their cards may be. -*Mask* our real emotions by replacing them with an entirely different apparent emotion. -sometimes the truth may leak out anyways. Feigned expressions may differ from authentic expressions. -real emotions can show during lapses of control, genuine smiles contract the muscles around our eyes.

Provide an evidence-based analysis on whether gender differences in self-disclosure are because of cultural or biological differences. Note the function of androgyny in gender differences for expressivity.

-Women are more likely than men to discuss their feelings about their close relationships and other personal aspects of their lives. -Men stick to impersonal matters, discussing objects and actions such as cars and sports, gossiping about celebrities and politicains instead of friends, seek few laughs instead of support & counsel. Less intimate & personal. -when men & women talk, these differences are less pronounced. when young adults chatted w/strangers they were unable to correctly guess the sec of the person they were talking to. -women are more self-disclosing than men are, elicit more self-disclosure. Men tend to offer partners more intimate self-disclosures than they provide male friends. -women self-disclose equally to men & women.

What is the effect of smell & paralanguage?

-different emotions cause people to emit different chemicals, or chemo-signals from their bodies-people who are scared have a different aroma than those who are disgusted. -better at identifying emotion in the sweat of our intimate partners than those in the sweat of strangers. -we respond differently to sexual sweat than normal sweat. -*Paralanguage*: variations in a person's voice other than the actual words, rhythm, pitch, loudness, and rate. Does not involve what they say, but *how* they say it. sounds we make w/out using words. -help define relationships bc lovers talk differently than friends do. Men use lower pitch w/lovers and women use higher pitch. -voices are a cue of mate value bc ppl w/appealing voices tend to have alluring faces & bodies. -women's voice more attractive just before she ovulates each month

What are self-disclosure differences a function of?

-gender difference. -women engage in intimate verbal communication w/trusted partners bc they tend to be high in expressively & are comfortable talking about their feelings. -naturally to men who are high in expressivity, as androgynous men are, men tend to have meaningful, intimate interactions w/both sexes just as women do. -andyrgonous men who are both assertive and warm self-disclose readily to both sexes & enjoy meaningful interactions w/all their friends. -they are not as lonely and spend more time interacting w/women than traditional men.

What does the body movement channel reveal?

-gestures vary from culture to culture. -less specific but still useful information can be conveyed by the posture or motion of the body -can signal status: high-status people tend to adopt open, asymmetric postures in which the two halves of the body assume different positions. -they take up a lot of space -low-status ppl use closed, symmetric postures that are compact. -can take 15-30 to make a judgment about personality

What is the interpersonal process model of intimacy?

-intimacy is only likely to develop if two conditions are met; when we open up to others, we want our discloses to be received w/apparent interest, sympathy & respect. -we want responsiveness from others that indicates that they understand us & care about us. -have to engage in meaningful self-disclosure, authentic openness and honesty are generally good for relationships. -respond to each other personal info w/interest & empathy~ valuable when men do this. -perceived partner responsiveness is a key part of the ongoing process by which intimacy develops -we do keep secrets when they may threaten our relationships. -couples who self-disclosure the happier they tend to be; can be beneficial to you.

Describe the channel of gazing behaviors and the info it provides?

-the direction & amount of a person's looking behavior is also influential. -looking at someone communicates interest & people with friendly expressions who catch our eye and keep looking seem more likable & attractive than those who glance at us & then look away. -helps define the relationship two people share once interaction begins. Lovers spend more time looking at each other than friends do. friends look more than acquittances. -can communicate dominance; ppl look at partner more when they are listening at the speaker about 60% on average than when they are speaking 40% -high status ppl look more while speaking but less when listening. -*Visual dominance ratio* compares look-speak(% of time a speaker gazes at a lister) to look-listen.

How does communication result in an interpersonal gap.

-the sender's intentions differ from the effect on the receiver. -such gaps are actually more likely to occur in close relationships than they are among strangers. -we do not expect our partners to misunderstand us, so we don't work as hard as we do with strangers to check that we are on the same page. -we assume that our messages have the impact that we intend, but we rarely know that they do. -they lead to dissatisfaction & can prevent rewarding relationships from ever beginning!

What does it mean to be an active listener?(Paraphrasing, and perception checking)

-we have two vital tasks: first is to accurately understand what our partners are trying to say, and the second is to communicate the attention & comprehension to our partners so they know we care about what they have said. -*Paraphrasing*: a message, repeating it in our own words & giving the sender a chance to agree that that's what he or she actually meant. they take a moment to check their comprehension by rephrasing the message & repeating it back. -*Perception Checking*: people assess the accuracy of their influences about a partner's feelings by asking the partner for clarification. -ppl who do this make an active effort to understand their partners. They are being responsive. Smooth rough spots. Happier marriages.

What are the differences of styles of conversation between men and women?

-women speak less forcefully than men do, being more indirect & seeming less certain. -Women are less profane.women are more tentative. -There are no differences in the amount of words than men and women speak. -Women speak 16,215 words a day and men speak 15,559 -men speak up and say something less often than women do, but when they get started, they talk longer, brooking no interruption. -Women speak more often but produce fewer monologues.