Fatal attraction test #3

the amount of conflict people encounter is linked to:

1) personality — people high in neuroticism have more conflicts, people high in agreeableness have fewer conflicts 2) attachment style — anxiety over abandonment makes conflict more threatening and more frequent — secure people encounter less conflict 3) stage of life — conflict with our partners increases from teens to mid-20s but declines afterwards 4) similarity — the less similar partners are to each other, the more conflict they experience 5) alcohol — intoxication exacerbates conflict; adding alcohol to a frustrating disagreement is a bit like adding fuel to a fire 6) sleep — when you sleep less, you experience more conflict

two reasons conflict is inescapable in close relationships

1. any two people will occasionally differ in their moods and preferences (e.g. staying out late) 2. there are certain tensions in every relationship. opposing motivations are called dialectics

what do married people fight about most?

1. children — how to discipline them specifically 2. chores 3. communication — they talk too much or not enough 4. leisure — where they spend their spare time or hobbies (spending money on bikes..) 5. work 6. money

what should we do instead of venting?

1. think differently (e.g. keep your attributions in check, consider why your partner may have behaved this way without wanting to insult you) 2. chill out — take a walk, breath slowly, count to 10, take up yoga 3. find humor in the situation

when will women have equality in the US?

2050

prevalence of violence

22% of women and 7% of men int eh US have experienced violent assault (actual physical harm) by an intimate partner

two types of egalitarian couples

Blood & Wolfe 1) synchratic couples — partners not only share power, but also work together on join decisions and reach consensus on issues (highest satisfaction, lowest likelihood of domestic violence) 2) autocratic couples — each have an area of decision-making and make one-sided decisions within that area

how many of partner fights are a result of dialectical tensions

dialectical tensions account for about 1/3 of partner's fights

principle of lesser interest

Waller & Hill in all relationships one person is more invested than the other observes that the partner who is less dependent on the relationship (who desires it less) has more power in the relationship the one that is more invested, has less power

ostracism

a specific form of rejection in which people are given the "cold shoulder" (e.g. pretending the person is not there, ignoring text messages, etc.) this is a purposeful ignoring of them because you know it will hurt them most Americans have experienced ostracism from an ex-partner — 75% according to psychologists, this is the worst way to break up with someone

hurt feelings

apparent decrease in others' regard for us — causes hurt feelings that are much like the emotions that accompany physical pain example: getting actually physically sick after a breakup hurt feelings - rejection can be treated with Tylenol (physical symptoms)

betrayal

are disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such misbehavior we each have a different tolerance for betrayal and what we consider betrayal any action that violates the norms of benevolence, trust, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness that support intimate relationships may be considered somewhat treasonous we tend to underestimate the harm we will do when we betray an intimate partner

if a couple is fighting, what should you do?

call 911 if you are not able to call the police, then psychologists say that you should go up to them and start talking to the victim like you know them. this throws off the abuser and they will not try to get mad at you because you are not telling them to stop or anything like that

instigating triggers

cause both partners to be frustrated or on edge e.g. some kind of betrayal such as a break up or an affair

frequency of conflict

conflicts occur often dating couples report 2.3 conflicts per week, and spouses experience one or two unpleasant disagreements each month conflict occurs more than we probably realize - about 40% are not mentioned in relationships

ways to negotiate

direct, openly address the issue (a) showing a willingness to deal with the problem by accepting responsibility or by offering concessions or a compromise (b) exhibiting support for the other's point of view through paraphrasing (c) offering self-disclosure with "I-statements" (d) providing approval and affection or indirect, skirting the issue but defusing ill feeling (a) friendly, non-sarcastic humor that lightens the mood (b) witty good cheer that is respectful of others

T/F forgiveness necessarily involves an apology

false

what is violence?

intended harm

deception

intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue

evolutionary perspective of jealousy

men should experience more jealousy than women do at the thought of sexual infidelity in their mates, whereas women should react more than men do to the threat of emotional infidelity results of many studies are consistent with this

why do men typically have more power?

more alternatives (e.g. if you work and your wife doesn't) power seems to be more important to men than women

why do battered women stay?

most battered women either end the violence or leave their partners, however, about a third stay they believe that, despite the abuse, they will not be better off if they go...perhaps because they have no money or no place to go, or because they fear even greater violence if they leave

should we vent when we are angry?

no high blood pressure, stress expressing anger when we are angry nearly always makes us feel angrier - we tend to relive it

who gets us jealous?

not all rivals are created equal rivals who are attractive/rich, former partners, and friends are particularly worrisome

forgiveness

occurs when we give up our perceived right to retaliate against, or hold in our debt, someone who has wronged us

interpersonal conflict

occurs whenever one person's motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with those of another conflict is born of dissimilarity

cheating

people differ on what they consider cheating most young adults in the US consider fantasizing about someone else or flirting with someone as cheating Brand et al. 2007 - did a study on cheating with college students - 50% of women and 2/5 of men kissed someone else - 1/5 men and women had sexual intercourse with another

domestic violence is about

power and control

interdependency perspective of sources of power

power is based on the control of valuable resources one's power varies with the other person's desire and need for the resource one's power is reduced if the desired resources are readily available elsewhere

egalitarian couples

share decision-making responsibilities most strongly associated with relationship satisfaction

relational value

the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable, important, and close

jealousy

the unhappy combination of hurt, anger, and fear that occurs when people face the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival unique element in jealousy is the romantic rival who threatens to lure a partner away

attributions and conflict

two partners' explanations for events are often somewhat different, and conflict can result: • misunderstanding may occur if partners fail to appreciate that each of them has his or her own point of view (e.g. actor observer bias; self serving bias) • attributional conflict can occur, with partners arguing over whose explanation is right, and whose is wrong happy couples are less likely than unhappy couples to regard their partners as selfishly motivated and as behaving with negative intent (e.g. less stable and internal attributions)

gender differences in intimate relationship abuse

women are slightly more likely than men to engage in physical violence (like a slap, not usually strong) women are more likely to... - throw objects - bite - kick or punch men are more likely to... - cause injuries use violence as a tool in an ongoing pattern of domination and force - choke - strangle - beat up - rape - murder

do women or men intervene more often in domestic violent situations?

women because men feel as though they would make it worse

women's rationale of violence

women who encounter violence feel betrayed, but they sometimes blame themselves for their partner's aggression

can fighting be good for a relationship?

yes, it is good for a relationship and can be very beneficial in helping to improve the relationship

types of escalation

• direct actions: explicitly challenge one's partner 1) accusations 2) hostile commands and threats 3) surly and sarcastic putdowns • indirect actions: more veiled and implicit 1) condescension 2) whining 3) evasion all of these behaviors, both direct and indirect, are obnoxious to some degree, and satisfied partners engage in these behaviors less often than discontented, disgruntled partners do

high power for women has been associated with...

• improved ability to negotiate safer sex • higher condom use • lower risk for contracting HIV • relationship dissatisfaction

high power in men has also been associated with...

• lowered stress • lowered aggression • lowered risk for hypertension • lower propensity for illness • improved immune functioning

dialectical tensions that lead to conflict

(a) autonomy and connection to others - do you want intimacy or freedom? independence or belonging? (b) openness and closedness - on the one hand, there's honesty, candor, and authenticity, and on the other hand, there's privacy, discretion, and restraint (c) stability and change - we relish both novelty and excitement, and familiarity and constancy (d) integration with and separation from one's social network - the motive to stay involved with other people is sometimes at odds with the wish to devote oneself to a romantic partnership

when does forgiveness occur more readily

(a) the offender apologizes, and (b) the victim is able to empathize with the offender, being able to imagine why the partner behaved as he or she did secure and agreeable people are more forgiving than insecure or less agreeable people are

domestic violence according to the US Department of Justice

- domestic violence is the #1 health risk to women between the ages of 18 and 44 in the US - around the world it tends to be 1 in 3 women - 2/3 families experience intimate partner violence - $5 to 10 billion each year (the investigations, health care, not going to work...)

violence is less likely...

- in cultures promoting gender equality - in conscientious people - in couples with good problem solving skills - in couples who are satisfied with their relationship - in sober people - in spouses than in cohabitating couples - in cohabitating couples than dating partners

wife abusers typically believe...

- men are superior to women - entitled to use violence to "discipline" women - they are not "real" abusers because they were provoked/did not use that much violence (e.g. stabbed the wife only once)

successful negotiation...

1) be optimistic 2) value your partner's outcomes as well as your own 3) take occasional short breaks from the discussion

four different types of events that cause most conflicts

1) criticism is behavior that seems unjustly critical, being perceived as demeaning or derogatory • sometimes this is not meant as criticism, but is perceived as such because you are sensitive to that subject • things like "you never do the dishes," or "you are too shy and need to get out more" 2) illegitimate demands are requests that are excessive and that seem unjust • could be things like "can you pick up the kids everyday this week, and while you're at it can you walk the dog and take out the trash" 3) rebuffs occur when one's appeals for help or support are rejected 4) cumulative annoyances are relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition (e.g. belching and being late)

what makes people prone to jealousy?

1) dependence on a relationship (you are more in love than your partner, you feel as though you need that partner because your alternatives are poor) 2) feelings of inadequacy in a relationship (worry you cannot measure up to your partner's expectations) 3) attachment styles — preoccupied people or anxious-ambivalent are prone to jealously, whereas dismissing people are not 4) personality traits — people high in neuroticism are prone to jealously, whereas agreeable people are not 5) traditional gender roles — macho men and feminine women experience more jealously than androgynous people do

things that initiate SVC

1) instigating triggers 2) impelling influences 3) inhibiting influences

types of abusers

1) men who feel superior to women and believe that their aggression is a legitimate response to the provocation and disrespect they receive 2) men who are weak and try to maintain some control over their environment

types of jealousy

1) reactive jealousy — occurs in response to an actual threat to a valued relationship; occurs in response to a realistic danger 2) suspicious jealously — occurs when one's partner hasn't misbehaved, and one's suspicions do not fit the facts at hand (people who are mores secure and trusting would not become jealous of something like this)

types of resources that provide people power over others

1) reward power — the ability to bestow desired rewards: these may be either tangible, material goods, or intangible, interpersonal benefits (e.g. massage, money, etc.) 2) coercive power — the ability to levy unwanted punishments, doing something a partner doesn't like, or taking away something the partner does like (e.g. silent treatment until you go to your parents for Christmas) 3) legitimate power — exists when one partner believes they have a reasonable right to tell the other what to do (e.g. I make the money so...) 4) referent power — emerges from respect and love for a partner. affection and adoration from another provides one some ability to influence that other person (e.g. you use the fact that you know they love you and you try to get them to eat healthier - using it for good) 5) expert power — exists when one partner has superior knowledge and experience that is recognized and acknowledged by the other (e.g. how to fix the blender) 6) informational power — exists when one partner has specific pieces of information that the other wants (e.g. gossip)

techniques used to reduce unwanted jealousy

1) self-reliance — involves efforts to "stay cool" and avoid feeling angry or embarrassed by refusing to dwell on the unfairness of the situation 2) self-bolstering — boosting one's self-esteem by doing something nice for oneself and thinking about one's good qualities

ways to end conflict

1) separation — occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict 2) domination — one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates 3) compromise — occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be reached (not the best way to end conflict according to psychologists, even though we've heard that it is. it is the third best) 4) integrative agreements — satisfy both partners' original goals and aspirations, usually through inventiveness, creativity, and flexibility 5) structural improvement — occurs when the partners not only get what they want, they make desirable changes to their relationship • example: two people are upset because they cannot spend time with each other, so they decide that one night a week they will drop off the kids somewhere else and change their schedules so that they can go out on a date one night a week

types of violence in romantic couples

1) situational couple violence (SCV) or common couple violence — erupts from specific angry arguments that get out of hand — both partners are angry; occasional; mild physical abuse 2) intimate terrorism (IT) — when one partner uses violence as a tool to control and oppress the other • threats, isolation, economic subordination, etc • involves serious injuries, escalates over time — usually ends when one of them kills the other one 3) violence resistance — occurs when a partner forcibly fights back (mostly women, it is rare for men

two kinds of resources

1) universalistic resources: can be exchanged with almost anyone in a wide variety of situations (e.g. money) 2) particularistic resources: are valuable in some situations and not in others, and they confer power to their owner only with particular partners (e.g. love, sex) - women tend to have more

different responses to conflict and dissatisfaction

1) voice — actively, constructively working to improve the situation (this is the best response) 2) loyalty — passively waiting and hoping for things to get better (you are just being passive, but it is not destructive, even though it is not overtly constructive either) 3) exit — active but destructive responses such as leaving the partner (this is one of the most common responses in the US) 4) neglect — passively allowing things to get worse, you are just sitting there and being miserable (this is the other one that is most common in the US)

types of couples when it comes to conflict

1) volatile — couples have frequent and passionate arguments, but they temper their fights with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other 2) validators — fight more politely and calmly, behaving more like collaborators than antagonists 3) avoiders — rarely argue; they duck confrontation and often just try to fix problems on their own (many times, men are raised to be avoiders in our culture) 4) hostiles — fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and their marriages are more fragile than those of the other three groups (this is the worst conflict style, hostiles are more nasty to each other. once you go down this road, it is easier to do so in the future)

who should make the decisions in a relationship?

90% of young women and 87% of young men say that couples should have equal say

power and control wheel

Johnson • using coercion and threats (making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her, threatening to leave, threatening to commit suicide, making her do illegal things, making her drop charges) • using intimidation (making them afraid by using looks or actions, smashing things, destroying their property, abusing pets) • using emotional abuse (putting her down, making them feel bad about themselves, making them think they are crazy, playing mind games) • using isolation (controlling what they do or who they talk to, limiting their outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions) • minimizing denying and blaming (making light of the abuse and not taking their concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, saying she caused it) • using children (making them feel guilty about the children, using children to relay messages, threatening to take away the children) • using male privilege (treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the master of the castle, being the one to define men's and women's roles) • using economic abuse (preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money)

the cycle of abuse

Lenore Walker incident or acting out phase —> honeymoon or reconciliation phase —> calm —> tension building —>

responses to conflict can be...

active or passive, and either constructive or destructive

which of these is violence? - I swore at my partner - I insulted my partner - I grabbed my partner

all of them

Pam wants to be close to her partner Chris but at the same time she wants to do her own thing. It seems Pam is experiencing the dialectic involving

autonomy and connection to others

Although they were once friends, a nine-year-old Brittany deliberately left Shauna's name off the list of invited guests to her birthday party and told Shauna that she did that. Brittany is engaging in

maximal exclusion (because she tells her)

control

decision-making responsibilities

inhibiting influences

encourage one to refrain from violence - distal (e.g. egalitarian culture norms) - dispositional (e.g. agreeableness) - relational (e.g. commitment) - situational (e.g. sobriety - you are more likely to act when you are drunk)

impelling influences

make it more likely to inflict violence - distal (e.g. violent family) - dispositional (e.g. neuroticism) - relational (mismatched attachment styles) - situational (e.g. provocation)

relative resources

men and women face a disparity in relative resources some resources that provide people power can be used more flexibly than others can

individual differences in betrayal

men are more likely to betray lovers and business partners women are more likely to betray friends and family psychology majors betray the most

need to belong

motivation to connect with others in enduring, close relationships happier, healthier

which is the most hurtful?

outright hostility doesn't hurt much more than simple ambivalence does once we find that others don't want us around, it hardly matters whether they dislike us a little or a lot

negative affect reciprocity

pattern in which the partners trade escalating provocations back and forth this pattern is not found in happy, well-adjusted couples, but it is exhibited by distressed, dissatisfied couples in deteriorating partnerships

coping with betrayal

people report less anxiety and better coping when they: (a) acknowledge the betrayal instead of denying that it happened, (b) consider it an opportunity for personal growth, and (c) rely on their friends for support people do less well when they ignore the event, wallow in bitterness, or resort to drugs and alcohol to blunt the pain

power

the ability to influence the behavior of others and to resist their influence on us

responses to jealousy

there's a sex difference — women react to a rival's interference by seeking to improve the relationship, whereas men strive to protect their egos

the speaker-listener technique

this is when you use an object to speak rules: • the speaker has the floor • share the floor • no problem solving • speaker: speak for yourself • speaker: stop and let the listener paraphrase • listener: paraphrase what you hear • listener: focus on the speaker's message. don't rebut

the demand/withdraw pattern

this obnoxious cycle occurs when one partner criticizes and nags the other, and the other retreats from the confrontations and becomes defensive this is one of the patterns that can lead to domestic violence — when there is an inhibition to deal with it in heterosexual couples, women tend to be the demanders and the men the withdrawers more often than not

who tends to lie more?

those who are more sociable and extraverted

T/F forgiveness necessarily involves giving up the right to retaliate

true

T/F One person can have power and the other can have the control

true example: The father has the power, he has the final say, but when it comes to every day things the mother has the control. He might say to the kids "I don't know ask your mother," but he makes the big decisions and has the final say. If he wants something to change, he can make it happen.

T/F high levels of interdependency = abundant opportunities for dispute

true. just because you spend a lot of time with them

T/F there is a dark side to power

true. some people actively seek to control their relationships, and they tend to be controlling, domineering people who have unhappy partners

T/F These tensions typically continue to some degree throughout the entire life of a relationship

true. these dilemmas never end, so sooner or later conflict will occur

The Smiths have frequent, passionate arguments, but these are tempered with fondness. The Smiths can be best classified as

volatiles

perceived relational value

we feel hurt when our perceived relational value for others is lower than we want it to be

engagement and escalation

when an instigating event occurs, the partners may avoid the issue and let it drop if the issue is engaged and conflict begins, negotiation and rational problem-solving may follow, however, in other cases, escalation occurs and the conflict heats up

mate poaching

when you actively try to take someone's boyfriend or girlfriend 54% of men and 34% of women have tried to steal somebody's partner

varying degrees of acceptance and rejection are possible, ranging from:

• maximal inclusion — in which others always seek us out (we have to be the first to the party and others love us) • to active inclusion — where others invite us, but do not seek us out (people invite us to the party and want to see us there, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if we were not) • to passive inclusion — others allow us to be included; where others do not send us away but are not invited either (people do not invite you to the party, but when you show up they are fine with it) • to ambivalence — in which they do not care whether we're around or not (you go to the party, but then no one remembers that you were there) • and on to passive exclusion — others ignore us, but do not avoid us (people do not pay any attention to you at the party) • and active exclusion — others tend to avoid us, tolerating our presence only when necessary (people do not like you and they do things like not inviting you to the party, and then if you show up they try to go around you. will plan to meet in a different location, etc.) • to maximal exclusion — in which others banish us, send us away, or abandon us (people tell you outrightly that they do not like you and that you cannot come to the party) this is on a continuum from maximum inclusion to maximum exclusion