interpersonal 3

According to the Gibb categories of defensiveness, which of the following types of messages describe people who have strong opinions but are willing to keep an open mind?

Provisionalism

levels of message confirmation

The climate of a relationship is shaped by the degree to which the people believe themselves to be valued by one another =confirming communication to describe messages that convey valuing; "You exist," "You matter," "You're important." =disconfirming communication to describe those that show a lack of regard; "I don't care about you," "I don't like you," "You're not important to me."

perceived incompatible goals

Unfortunately, people often fail to see mutually satisfying solutions to their problems. As long as they perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive, a conflict exists. find a solution that fits both people

Compromising (Partial Lose-Lose)

gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals -Compromise may be better than losing everything, but there are times when this approach hardly seems ideal

What is the first element in the listening process?

hearing

Romantic couple that have intense and heated arguments are most likely using which couples' conflict styles?

volatile

The difference between an effective behavior statement and an effective interpretation statement in the assertive message format is that the interpretation statement is subjective.

true

2 guess about specifics

"I can't tell you exactly what's wrong with your sense of humor—all I can say is that I don't like it." -In a sense you become both detective and suspect, the goal being to figure out exactly what "crime" you have committed

1 ask for specifics

"What do I do that's unfair?" is an important question to ask before you can judge whether the attack is correct. "When haven't I helped out?" you might ask before agreeing with or disagreeing with the attack. -Your tone of voice and facial expression, posture, and other nonverbal clues can give the same words radically different connotations.

conflict is natural

true

collaborating (win win) chart 392

Collaborators show a high degree of concern for both themselves and others. Rather than trying to solve problems "my way" or "your way," their focus is on "our way -fun for both of them. The goal of collaboration is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved

The emotional tone of a relationship is also known as what?

Communication climate

Which of the following dialectical tensions of a relationship deals with being identified as a social unit and being identified as an individual?

Connection vs. autonomy

What is the strongest type of confirming message?

Endorsement

Which of the following is true regarding family communication?

Family communication is formative Family communication is role-driven Family communication is involuntary Family communication is like a system

expressed struggle

For instance, you may be upset for months because a neighbor's loud stereo keeps you awake at night, but no conflict exists between the two of you until the neighbor learns of your problem.

Which of the following types of disconfirming communication responses contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other?

Incongruous

interdependence

exists between conflicting nations, social groups, organizations, friends, and lovers

In the early stages of a relationships we "try out" the other person to reduce uncertainty. What step is this in Knapp's Model?

experimenting

According to the triangular theory of love, which component is known as the "hot" component of love?

passion

conflict rituals

usually unacknowledged but very real patterns of interlocking behavior. -can cause problems, though, when they become the only way relational partners handle their conflicts.

Which of the following conflict styles involves high concern for self and low concern for others?

competing

Which of the following conflict styles tends to result in a "win-lose" situation?

competing

Which of the following types of destructive conflict patterns belittle and demeans the other person?

contempt

3 paraphrase the speaker's ideas

Another strategy is to draw out confused or reluctant speakers by paraphrasing their thoughts and feelings and using the active listening skills -Because people generally criticize you because your behavior creates some problem for them, the strategy is especially appropriate at such times. -By clarifying or amplifying what you understand critics to be saying, you'll learn more about their objections.

avoiding (lose- lose)

Avoiding occurs when people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict. Avoidance can be physical (steering clear of a friend after having an argument) or conversational (changing the topic, joking, or denying that a problem exists). -Partners of self-silencers report more frustration and discomfort when dealing with the avoiding partner than with those who face conflict more constructively -avoiders have a low concern both for their own needs and for the interests of the other person, who is also likely to suffer from unaddressed issues

conflict is natural

College students who have kept diaries of their relationships report that they take part in about seven arguments per week. Most have argued with the other person before, often about the same topic -81 percent of the respondents acknowledged that they had conflicts with friends. Even the 19 percent who claimed that their friendships were conflict free used phrases such as "push and pull" and "little disagreements" to describe the tensions that inevitably occurred -fifty-two families and found an average of 3.3 "conflict episodes" per meal

perceived scarce resources

Conflicts also exist when people believe there isn't enough of something to go around. The most obvious example of a scarce resource is money—a cause of many conflicts -Time is another scarce commodity. Many people struggle to meet the competing demands of school, work, family, and friends

Telling your friend, "let's just do it your way," would be an example of which of the following conflict styles?

accommodating

parallel styles chart 394

both partners shift between complementary and symmetrical patterns from one issue to another -

According to the authors of our textbook, people who have been in relationships for a long time rarely develop both a relational conflict style and conflict rituals.

false

According to the authors of our textbook, the avoiding conflict style is always a bad idea.

false

Being neutral is a good way to prevent defensiveness.

false

collaborative problem solving

identifying your problem and unmet needs: -Whether you want to return an unsatisfactory piece of merchandise, complain to noisy neighbors because your sleep is being disturbed by their barking dog, or request a change in working conditions from your employer, the problem is yours. Why? Because in each case you are the person who "owns" the problem— the one who is dissatisfied -Realizing that the problem is yours will make a big difference when the time comes to approach the other party. Instead of feeling and acting in an evaluative way, you'll be more likely to state your problem in a descriptive way, which will not only be more accurate but also reduce the chance of a defensive reaction -After you realize that the problem is yours, the next step is to identify the unmet needs that make you dissatisfied -Consider this example: A friend hasn't returned some money you lent long ago. Your apparent need in this situation might be to get the money back. But a little thought will probably show that this isn't the only, or even the main, thing you want. Even if you were rolling in money, you'd probably want the loan repaid because of a more important need: to avoid feeling victimized by your friend's taking advantage of you -Make a date: =There are many times when a person isn't in the right frame of mind to face a conflict, perhaps owing to fatigue, being in too much of a hurry to take the necessary time, being upset over another problem, or not feeling well. At times like these, it's unfair to "jump" a person without notice and expect to get full attention for your problem. =After you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try to solve it. For example, "Something's been bothering me. Can we talk about it?" If the answer is "Yes," then you're ready to go further - describe your problem and needs =Your partner can't possibly meet your needs without knowing why you're upset and what you want. Therefore, it's up to you to describe your problem as specifically as possible. The best way to deliver a complete, accurate message is to use the assertive message format =there's a good chance—especially in a stressful conflict—that your words will be misinterpreted. =Legitimate agreements are tough enough without getting upset about a conflict that doesn't even exist. - consider your partner's point of view =First, it's fair: Your partner has just as much right as you to feel satisfied, and if you expect help in meeting your needs, then it's reasonable that you behave in the same way. But in addition to fairness, there's another practical reason for concerning yourself with what your partner wants. Just as an unhappy partner will make it hard for you to become satisfied, a happy partner will be more likely to cooperate in letting you reach your goals. Thus, it's in your own self-interest to discover and meet your partner's needs. =You can learn about your partner's needs simply by asking about them: "Now I've told you what I want and why. Tell me what you need to feel okay about this." -negotiate a solution: = 1 identify and define the conflict 2 generate a number of possible solutions 3 evaluate the alternative solutions 4 decide on the best solution - follow up the solution =You can't be sure that the solution will work until you try it. After you've tested it for a while, it's a good idea to set aside some time to talk over its progress =the process of negotiation has to include some compromises, but even then the preceding steps haven't been wasted. The genuine desire to learn what the other person wants and to try to satisfy those wants will build a climate of goodwill that can help you find the best solution to the present problem and also improve your relationship in the future.

Which of the following factors are important to consider when deciding which conflict style to use?

the relationship, the situation, the other person, your goals

According to the authors of our textbook, the reasons win-win conflict styles are so rare are because they require the cooperation of another person, conflicts are emotional affairs, and many people lack awareness of handling and viewing conflict.

true

preventing defensiveness in others (gibbs 357)

1. evaluation vs description: evaluation -One form of evaluation is "you" language Evaluation: "You don't know what you're talking about!" Description: "I don't understand how you came up with that idea." Evaluation: "This place is a mess!" Description: "When you don't clean up, I have to either do it or live with your mess. That's why I'm mad!" Evaluation: "Those jokes are disgusting!" Description: "When you tell those off-color jokes, I get really embarrassed =descriptive statements focuses on the speaker's thoughts and feelings without judging the other person 2. control vs problem orientation: - Controlling communication occurs when a sender seems to be imposing a solution on the receiver with little regard for the receiver's needs or interests -problem orientation focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their needs and those of the others involved orientation is often typified by "we" language; suggests the speaker is making decisions with rather than for other people. 358 3. strategy vs spontaneity -strategy to characterize defense-arousing messages in which speakers hide their ulterior motives. The words dishonesty and manipulation capture the essence of strategy. -Spontaneity is the behavior that contrasts with strategy. -Spontaneity simply means being honest with others rather than manipulating them. -selves if you were "spontaneous" about every opinion that crossed your mind. Gibb's notion of spontaneity involves setting aside hidden agendas that others both sense and resist. -Blurters tend to be high in verbal aggressiveness and neuroticism; they rate low in empathy and perspectivetaking -"leveling" is probably the most defense-arousing strategy of all, because once you have learned someone is using frankness as a manipulation, you are less likely to trust that person in the future. 4. neutrality vs empathy -neutrality to describe a fourth behavior that arouses defensiveness. Probably a better descriptive word would be indifference. A neutral attitude is disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern and implies that the welfare of the other person isn't very important to you. -Empathy means accepting another's feelings and putting yourself in another's place. This doesn't mean that you need to agree with that person. By simply letting that person know of your care and respect, you'll be acting in a supportive way 5. superiority vs equality -Any message that suggests "I'm better than you" is likely to arouse feelings of defensiveness in the recipients. 6. certainty vs Provisionalism -Communicators who regard their own opinions with certainty while disregarding the ideas of others demonstrate a lack of regard and respect. It's likely that the receiver will take the certainty as a personal affront and react defensively -which people may have strong opinions but are willing to acknowledge that they don't have a corner on the truth and will change their stance if another position seems more reasonable. -provisionalism often surfaces in word choices. -more provisional speakers say perhaps, maybe, possibly, might, and could. =First, Gibb's emphasis on being direct is better suited for a low-context culture such as the United States, which values self-assertion, than for high-context cultures

Which of the following is a part of the definition of conflict?

An expressed struggle Perceived incompatible goals Perceived scarce resources Interference from the other party

conflict is relational

Its character usually is determined by the way the parties interact with each other. -When two or more people are in a long-term relationship, they develop their own relational conflict style—a pattern of managing disagreements. The mutual influence that parties have on each other is so powerful that it can overcome the disposition to handle conflicts in the manner that comes most easily to one or the other

interference from the other party

No matter how much one person's position may differ from another's, a full-fledged conflict won't occur until the participants act in ways that prevent one another from reaching their goals

Which of the following is a limitation of Knapp's Model?

Not all relationships are linear Fails to accurately capture family relationships Does not capture the ebb and flow of relationships Communication characteristics of multiple steps can be present at the same time

Gary and Billy live in different parts of the world, so when they are apart they are relatively autonomous, but when they visit each other they are inseparable. What strategy are they using to manage dialectical tensions?

alternation

direct aggression

occurs when a communicator expresses a criticism or demand that threatens the face of the person at whom it is directed. -Recipients can feel embarrassed, inadequate, humiliated, hopeless, desperate, or depressed

passive aggression

occurs when a communicator expresses hostility in an obscure or manipulative way -It occurs when people have feelings of resentment, anger, or rage that they are unable or unwilling to express directly. Instead of keeping these feelings to themselves, a crazymaker sends aggressive messages in subtle, indirect ways, thus maintaining the front of kindness.

disconfirming messages

= shows a lack of value for the other person, either by disregarding or ignoring some important part of that person's message =impervious response doesn't acknowledge the other person's message. Whether it's accidental or intentional, few things are more disconcerting than getting no reaction from the person with whom you're attempting to communicate =In marriage, ignoring a partner (sometimes called stonewalling) has been identified as a strong predictor of divorce =interrupting response is not likely to be taken as a disconfirmation, but repeatedly interrupting a speaker can be both discouraging and irritating. =A comment unrelated to what the other person has just said is an irrelevant response =tangential responses Instead of ignoring the speaker's remarks completely, the other party uses them as a starting point for a shift to a different topic. ''takeaways'' =Impersonal Responses Impersonal responses are loaded with clichés and other statements that never truly respond to the speaker =Ambiguous responses contain messages with more than one meaning, leaving the other party unsure of the responder's position. =incongruous response contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other. Often at least one of these messages is nonverbal.

agree with the critic-- agree with the facts

Agreeing with the facts seems sensible when you realize that certain facts are indisputable -If many criticisms aimed at you are accurate, why is it so difficult to accept them without being defensive? The answer to this question lies in a confusion between agreeing with the facts and accepting the judgment that so often accompanies them

conflict can be beneficial

Effective communication during conflicts can actually keep good relationships strong. People who use the constructive skills described in this chapter are more satisfied with their relationships and with the outcomes of their conflicts -One nine-year study revealed that unhappy couples argue in ways that we have catalogued in this book as destructive.11 They are more concerned with defending themselves than with being problem oriented; they fail to listen carefully to each other, have little or no empathy for their partners, use evaluative "you" language, and ignore each other's nonverbal relational messages -Although they may argue vigorously, they use skills such as perception checking to find out what the other person is thinking, and they let each other know that they understand the other side of the argument -They are willing to admit their mistakes, which contributes not only to a harmonious relationship but also to solving the problem at hand.

gender conflicts

Even in childhood, males are more likely to be aggressive, demanding, and competitive, whereas females are more likely to be cooperative. -Adolescent girls use aggression in conflicts, but their methods are usually more indirect than those of boys. Whereas teenage boys often engage in verbal showdowns and may even engage in physical fights, teenage girls typically use gossip, backbiting, and social exclusion -female students described men as being concerned with power and more interested in content than relational issues. Phrases used to describe male conflict styles included: "The most important thing to males in conflict is their egos." "Men don't worry about feelings." "Men are more direct." By contrast, women were described as being more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a conflict -phrases used to describe female conflict styles included: "Women are better listeners." "Women try to solve problems without controlling the other person." "Females are more concerned with others' feelings." -For example, both men and women are more likely to respond aggressively when attacked by the other person. -researchers exploring how married couples handle disagreements found that the importance of gender in determining conflict style is "dwarfed" by the behavior of the other person -although men and women may have characteristically different conflict styles, the individual style of each communicator—regardless of gender—and the nature of the relationship are more important than gender in shaping the way he or she handles conflict

Mixed messages (where the verbal and nonverbal messages contradict each other) are also known as what type of disconfirming message?

Incongruous response

What is the final element of the assertive message format?

Intention statement

Which of the following types of disconfirming communication responses are loaded with cliches?

NOT impervious, tangential, ambiguous, irrelevant

culture

Perhaps the most important cultural factor in shaping attitudes toward conflict is an orientation toward individualism or collectivism -In individualistic cultures like the United States, the goals, rights, and needs of each person are considered important, and most people would agree that it is an individual's right to stand up for him- or herself. -collectivist cultures (more common in Latin America and Asia) consider the concerns of the group to be more important than those of any individual -assertive behavior that might seem perfectly appropriate to a North American would be regarded as rude and insensitive. -Another factor that affects conflict is the difference between high- and low-context cultural styles -low-context cultures like the United States place a premium on being direct and literal. By contrast, high-context cultures like Japan value self-restraint and avoiding confrontation -For this reason, what seems like "beating around the bush" to an American would seem polite to an Asian. -In Japan, for example, even a simple request like "Close the door" would be too straightforward -Japanese are reluctant to say "No" to a request. A more likely answer would be "Let me think about it for a while," which anyone familiar with Japanese culture would recognize as a refusal -Americans visiting Greece, for example, often think they are witnessing an argument when they are overhearing a friendly conversation -comparative study of American and Italian nursery-school children showed that one of the Italian childrens' favorite pastimes was a kind of heated debating that Italians call discussione but that Americans would call arguing. -not surprising that people from collectivist, high-context cultures emphasizing harmony tend to handle conflicts in less-direct ways. -Some research suggests that our approach to conflict may be part of our biological makeup

Emily wants to get a tattoo, but she knows her parents won't let her and don't want to hear about it, so she doesn't even bring it up as a topic of conversation in her family and decides not to get it. Emily's family communication pattern would best be an example of what?

Protective family communication pattern

When it comes to talking to their parents, Bri is very open about how school and work are going, but very private when it comes to their relationships. Bri is using what strategy to manage their dialectical tensions?

Segmentation

agree with the critic's perception

You've listened carefully and asked questions to make sure you understand the criticisms, but the more you listen, the more positive you are that the critics are totally out of line -One key to feeling comfortable with acknowledging accurate criticism is to understand that agreeing with a critic doesn't necessarily oblige you to apologize -Apologizing is fine if you can do so sincerely, but you will be able to agree with critics more often if you understand that doing so doesn't require you to grovel.

Sacrificing your needs in a conflict and just trying to satisfy the other person is also known as what conflict style?

accommodating

John communicates his love to Jerry in their romantic relationship by doing chores like taking out the trash and cleaning the house. John's love language in this example would best be described as what type of love language?

acts of service

Which of the following is a suggestion from the authors of our textbook for responding nondefensively to criticism?

agree with the critic

Which of the following types of ineffective listening actually involves listening closely, but for reasons other than understanding the other person's message?

ambushing

5 ask what else is wrong

asking if anything else bothers your critic isn't just an exercise in masochism

symmetrical styles

both partners use the same behaviors. -Some distressed marriages suffer from destructively symmetrical communication. If both partners treat each other with matching hostility, one threat or insult leads to another in an escalatory spiral. If the partners both withdraw from each other instead of facing their problems, a de-escalatory spiral results in which the satisfaction and vitality ebb from the relationship, leaving it a shell of its former self -Symmetrical styles can also be beneficial. The clearest example of constructive symmetry occurs when both parties communicate assertively, listening to each other's concerns and working together to resolve them

Which of the following types of love includes the components of intimacy and commitment only?

companionate love

"Opposites attract" represent what reason we form relationships?

complementarity

According to the Gibb categories of defensiveness, which of the following messages occurs when a person imposes a solution on another person?

control

According to the Gibb categories of defensiveness, which of the following occurs when a person imposes a solution on another person?

control

conflict defined

define conflict as "an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

Austin and Jorge are in a new romantic relationship, and Austin proclaims "we don't have any secrets with each other, we tell each other everything!" Austin is using what strategy to manage dialectical tensions?

denial

What step in Knapp's Model is marked by communication that shifts from "we" and "us" to "me" and "you"?

differentiating

Hearing is the same as listening.

false

Listening requires little to no effort.

false

When using the assertive format message it is never a good idea to deliver the statements in a mixed order.

false

After Lindsey shared some of her recent personal problems with her friend Raymond, Raymond replies, "yeah, we all have personal problems." Raymond's response best represents what type of disconfirming message?

impersonal response

Which of the following types of disconfirming communication responses fails to acknowledge the other person's message?

impervious

What is the final element of the assertive message format?

intention statement

Which of the following terms refers to a feeling of closeness or state of close union?

intimacy

The avoiding conflict style often results in what kind of situation for both parties?

lose lose

accommodating (lose- win)

occurs when you allow others to have their way rather than asserting your own point of view -If accommodation is a genuine act of kindness, generosity, or love, then chances are good that it will enhance the relationship. Most people appreciate those who "take one for the team," "treat others as they want to be treated," or "lose the battle to win the war." -People from high-context, collectivist backgrounds (such as many Asian cultures) are likely to regard avoidance and accommodation as face-saving and noble ways to handle conflict. -In low-context, individualist cultures (such as the United States), avoidance and accommodation are often viewed less positively. For instance, think of the many unflattering terms that Americans use for people who give up or give in during conflicts ("pushover," "yes-man," "doormat," "spineless

Which of the following types of ineffective listening involves a listener acting, or pretending, that they are listening?

pseudolistening

Which of the following dialectical tensions is more of a mind-set, accepting the "roller coaster" metaphor of relationships?

reaffirmation

What is the final element in the listening process?

remembering

defensiveness

suggests guarding oneself from attack, but what kind of attack =face threatening acts -messages that seem to challenge the image we want to project—we are likely to resist their messages =person's face consists of the physical traits, personality characteristics, attitudes, aptitudes, and all the other parts of the image that he or she wants to present to the world

communication climate

the emotional tone of a relationship. =intuition suggests: Couples who create and maintain emotionally healthy, positive climates have happy, enduring relationships =couples who are unsupportive—whether straight or gay, rich or poor, parents or childless—are likely to break up or endure joyless lives together. The communication climate that parents create for their children affects the way they interact. Children who lack confirmation suffer a broad range of emotional and behavioral problems, whereas those who feel confirmed have more open communication with their parents, higher self-esteem, and lower levels of stress. =Positive communication climates lead to increased job satisfaction =workplace first is praise and encouragement: Employees feel valued when their work is recognized "Small exchanges—a compliment on work well done, a word of support after a setback—add up to how we feel on the job." second climate-boosting practice is open communication

complementary styles

the partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors -Research shows that a complementary fight-flight style is common in many unhappy marriages. One partner—most commonly the wife— addresses the conflict directly, whereas the other—usually the husband— withdraws

All relationships of significance go through conflict.

true

Endorsement is the strongest form (communicates highest form of value) of confirming messages

true

Families are more than the sum of their parts.

true

Knapp's Model of Relational Development does not do a good job of explaining family relationships, especially the early stages.

true

Mindless listening can be a valuable type of interpersonal communication.

true

competing (win- lose)

approach to conflict involves high concern for self and low concern for others -Power is the distinguishing characteristic in win-lose problem solving because it is necessary to defeat an opponent to get what one wants. -Adults who use physical power to deal with each other usually aren't so blunt, but the legal system is the implied threat: "Follow the rules or we'll lock you up." -Real or implied force isn't the only kind of power used in conflicts. People who rely on authority of many types engage in win-lose methods without ever threatening physical coercion

confirming messages

being confirming: recognition, acknowledgment, and endorsement =recognition: if the other person perceives you as avoiding contact, then the message has the effect of being disconfirming =acknowledgment: Listening is probably the most common form of acknowledgment. counterfeit listening—ambushing, stage hogging, pseudolistening, and so on—has the opposite effect of acknowledgment =endorsement: you agree with them or otherwise find them important. strongest type of confirming message: It communicates the highest form of valuing. The most obvious form of endorsement is agreeing

Which of the following terms refers to the emotional tone of a relationship?

communication climate

Conflict is never beneficial.

false

all conflicts can result in a win win approach

false

4 ask about the consequences of your behavior

find out exactly what troublesome consequences your behavior has for them.

disagreeing messages

"You're wrong" in one way or another three types of disagreement: aggressiveness, complaining, and argumentativeness = aggressiveness: verbal aggressiveness as the tendency to attack the self-concepts of other people in order to inflict psychological pain =Name-calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering— all are methods of "winning" disagreements at others' expense =bullying =Cyberbullying is disturbingly common: About 15 percent of students report abusing someone else online, and twice as many report having been victims Online abuse leaves victims feeling angry, frustrated, sad, frightened, and embarrassed. Targets often respond with apathy and cheating in school, substance abuse, violence, and self-destructive behaviors— and suicide in the most severe cases 73 percent of adult Internet users have seen someone be harassed online and 40 percent have personally experienced it =complaining: Satisfied couples tend to offer behavioral complaints ("You always throw your socks on the floor"), whereas unsatisfied couples make more complaints aimed at personal characteristics ("You're a slob"). =Complaints about personal characteristics attack a more fundamental part of the presenting self. Talking about socks deals with a habit that can be changed; calling someone a slob is a character assault that is unlikely to be forgotten when the conflict is over ==argumentativeness: as presenting and defending positions on issues while attacking positions taken by others is associated with several positive attributes such as enhanced self-concept, communicative competence, and positive climate in the workplace. The key for maintaining a positive climate while arguing a point is the way you present your ideas. It is crucial to attack issues, not people

constructive conflict: questions and answers

-Isn't the Win-Win Approach Too Good to Be True? =produces better results than a win-lose approach. =There are three types of outcomes in the prisoner's dilemma: One partner can win big by betraying a confederate, both can win by cooperating, or both can lose by betraying each other =researchers found that cooperation is actually the best hard-nosed strategy. Players who demonstrated their willingness to support the other person and not hold grudges did better than those using a more competitive approach. -Isn't the Win-Win Approach Too Elaborate? =The win-win approach is detailed and highly structured. =For important issues, you are likely to find that every step of the win-win approach is important. If this process seems time consuming, just consider the time and energy that will likely be required if you don't resolve the issue at hand. -Isn't Win-Win Negotiating Too Rational? =Frustrated readers often complain that the win-win approach is so sensible that only a saint could use it successfully. "Sometimes I'm so angry that I don't care about being supportive or empathetic or anything else," they say. "I just want to blow my top!" =You might feel better confiding in a third party. Or you might blow off steam with physical exercise. There are even cases when an understanding partner might allow you to have what has been called a "Vesuvius"—an uncontrolled, spontaneous explosion. -is it possible to change others? =Readers often agree that win-win problem solving would be terrific—if everyone had read Looking Out Looking In and understood the method. "How can I get the other person to cooperate?" the question goes =If you can listen sincerely, avoid evaluative attacks, and empathize with your partner's concerns, for example, there's a good chance that you'll get the same kind of behavior in return

constructive conflict skills

-The first is lack of awareness. Some people are so used to competition that they mistakenly think that winning requires them to defeat their "opponent." -Conflicts are often emotional affairs in which people react combatively without stopping to think of better alternatives. Because this kind of emotional reflex prevents constructive solutions, it's often necessary to stop yourself from speaking out aggressively during a conflict and starting an escalating spiral of defensiveness -A third reason win-win solutions are rare is that they require the other person's cooperation. It's difficult to negotiate constructively with someone who insists on trying to defeat you. In this case, use your best persuasive skills to explain that by working together you can find a solution that satisfies both of you.

using the assertive message format

1 the elements may be delivered in mixed order: sometimes best to begin by stating your feelings. At other times you can start by sharing your intentions or interpretations or by describing consequences. 2. word the message to suit your personal style: you might choose to say "I think ..." or "It seems to me" or perhaps "I get the idea. ..." 3. when appropriate, combine two elements in a single phrase: "... and after you said that, I felt confused" expresses a consequence and a feeling 4. take your time delivering the message:

destructive conflict patterns: the four horsemen

1. Criticism. These are attacks on a person's character. difference between legitimate complaints about behavior phrased in descriptive "I" language ("I wish you had been on time—we're going to be late to the movie") and critical character assaults stated as evaluative "you" messages ("You're so thoughtless—you never think of anyone but yourself"). 2. defensiveness is a reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility ("You're crazy—I never do that") and counterattacking ("You're worse about that than I am"). Although some self-protection is understandable, problems arise when a person refuses to listen to or even acknowledge another's concerns. 3. contempt contemptuous comment belittles and demeans. It can take the form of name-calling putdowns ("You're a real jerk") or sarcastic barbs ("Oh, that was brilliant"). Contempt can also be communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls or disgusted sighs. (Try doing both of those at the same time and imagine how dismissive they can be.) 4. stonewalling occurs when one person in a relationship withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue—and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way. It sends a disconfirming "You don't matter" message to the other person.

the assertive message format

1. behavior: a behavioral description describes the raw material to which you react. A behavioral description should be objective, describing an event without interpreting it 362 2. interpretation: describes the meaning you've attached to the other person's behavior. The important thing to realize about interpretations is that they are subjective. 3 feeling: add a new dimension to a message 4 consequence: explains what happens as a result of the situation you've described so far 3 types: - what happens to you, the speaker -what happens to the person you're addressing -what happens to others =valuable because First, they help you understand more clearly why you are bothered or pleased by another's behavior 5 intention: are the final element of the assertive message format. They can communicate three kinds of messages - where you stand on an issue - request of others - descriptions of how you plan to act in the future

which style to use?

1. the relationship: When someone else clearly has more power than you, accommodating may be the best approach. If the boss tells you to fill that order "Now!," it may be smart to do so without comment 2 the situation: Different situations call for different conflict styles. After haggling over the price of a car for hours, it might be best to compromise by simply splitting the difference 3 the other person: Win-win is a fine ideal, but sometimes the other person isn't willing or able to collaborate -In such cases, your efforts to collaborate may have a low chance of success. 4 your goals: Sometimes your overriding concern may be to calm down an enraged or upset person. Accommodating an outburst from your crotchety and sick neighbor, for example, is probably better than standing up for yourself and triggering a stroke

how communication climates develop

messages are confirming, then the climate is likely to be a positive one. If their messages are disconfirming, then the relationship is likely to be hostile, cold, or defensive. Smiles or frowns, the presence or absence of eye contact, tone of voice, the use of personal space—all these and other cues send messages about how the parties feel toward one another =spiral: a reciprocating communication pattern in which each person's message reinforces the other's =positive spirals, one partner's confirming message leads to a similar message from the other person. This positive reaction leads the first person to be even more confirming. Negative spirals are just as powerful, although they leave the partners feeling worse about themselves and each other. =Conciliatory statements (e.g., supporting, accepting responsibilities, agreeing) were likely to be followed by conciliatory responses. =Confrontational acts (such as criticism, hostile questions, and fault finding) were likely to trigger equally confrontational responses =positive and negative spirals. Escalatory conflict spirals are the most visible way that disconfirming messages reinforce one another =de-escalatory conflict spirals can also be destructive -A word of praise can lead to a returned compliment that can lead to an act of kindness, which can result in an improved relational climate. =engage in metacommunication. "Hold on," one might say. "This is getting us nowhere." This ability to rebound from negative spirals and turn them in a positive direction is a hallmark of successful relationships. -partners pass the "point of no return" and continue spiraling downward, their relationship may end

"Crazy-makers," according to the authors of our textbook, typically use what type of communication?

passive aggression

responding nondefensively to criticism

seek more information -good sense when you realize that it's foolish to respond to a critical attack until you understand what the other person has said. -After you realize that you can listen to, understand, and even acknowledge the most hostile comments without necessarily accepting them, it becomes much easier to hear another person out

Which of the following destructive conflict patterns occurs when one person withdraws from the interaction?

stonewalling

Conflict is natural, but how we deal with it requires a choice on our part.

true