Lesson 4

Few Cautions

As a negative consequence for behavior, time-out has been rather popular over the last decade. It does allow a child who is out-of-control to have a chance to be in a place where he cannot impose greater damage to property or injury to other people. It may also have the positive effect of allowing the adult in the situation to become calmer and better able to speak with the child about the problem. However, early childhood experts point out that time-out must be used with care due to its potentially negative side effects. Particularly in the case of young children, time-out can be: (a) an imposed external control of behavior that circumvents a child's need and opportunity to build internal controls; (b) a way to meet the adult's need to maintain order without addressing the child's needs in a constructive way; (c) a negative experience that can affect the child's developing sense of self-worth and self-confidence, particularly if done in the company of family members and peers; and (d) a missed opportunity for valuable learning experiences that are forfeited during these periods of isolation (Schreiber, 1999). Thus, a parent should carefully balance the benefits of using time-out against the potential negative effects. Time-out may be perfectly appropriate in some situations and a very poor choice in others. For this reason, some recommend that it not be the default choice for children's misbehavior in most situations. Parents also have the option of withdrawing or granting privileges based on a child's behavior. Granting privileges may motivate and encourage a child to action in a stubborn moment. Withdrawing privileges may help the child realize that certain kinds of behavior are unacceptable and will result in decreased privileges, such as use of the car, missing dessert, or losing a chance to play with a friend. These practices relate directly to the behaviorist theory we examined in lesson 2. When well-chosen, these practices can be very effective in encouraging good behavior or deterring bad behavior. Ultimately, helping the child do right because it is right is the highest reward and signals the child's internally motivated ability to implement moral behavior. Thus, sticker charts and other tangible rewards, such as earning the privilege of a pizza party with friends, can be a good start, but is not an end in itself. It is useful as a step along the path to growing responsibility and better behavior. Thus, these tactics can be abandoned as soon as reasonably possible so that the child can be freed to act responsibly without requiring a tangible reward to do so. Offering a negative consequence that a parent does not enforce or that is extreme is considered to be inappropriately "threatening" a child. This is not helpful. At the very least, the child's trust that you say what you mean is decreased. At the worst, you can strike fear into their hearts in a way that may be psychologically damaging. For example, a parent says to a 10-year-old boy, "If you don't straighten up, you are not coming on our Disneyland vacation with us this weekend." (Just imagine the details and arrangements of trying to leave a child home from a long-awaited trip like that!) Threats may occasionally get quick response, but at too much expense to a trusting parent-child relationship. n the readings for lesson 3, we discussed spanking and other forms of physical punishment. Perhaps it is appropriate here to reiterate that these forms of punishment are best used when a very serious issue is being addressed, such as those involving the child's immediate safety, the destruction of property, or injury to others. For example, one child threw a fit while in the car a block away from home. The child unbuckled her seatbelt and grabbed at the door handle. The car door flew open. Fortunately, the child did not fall out, but the mother responded quickly by carefully pulling over to the side of the road. In this case, the child received an immediate spanking. After returning home, the mother and her much-sobered child took time in a private setting to hold each other tight. With tears in her eyes, the mother explained to the child the grave danger they had narrowly escaped, told her how precious she was, and made it clear that this must never happen again. The scripture noted in this lesson empowers us to rebuke with clarity and sharpness in times when the Spirit dictates and reminds us clearly of the second part of the correction process—to show forth increased love.

Be Clear

Children need structure and direction. Though they may push limits and test a parent's willingness to follow through, limits give children a sense of security. Limits serve to provide order, prevent injuries and problems, and help family members work cooperatively and harmoniously with one another. Limits are valuable to the extent that they are regarded seriously by members of the family and are enforced consistently by the parents. Establish Family Rules. Limits work best when they are few in number, are stated positively, and are understandable even to the very young members of the family. "Treat others kindly" or "Bedtime is 9:00 p.m." or "Chores and homework are done before children watch television after school" are examples of family rules. Provide Friendly Reminders. It's hard to be good all of the time. Children will have moments when they really do not feel motivated or are not interested in complying with parental requests. Reminders restate the expectation and give the child a second chance before further action is taken. For example, a mother with a child who is not eager to go to bed might say: "I understand how you feel but we have read some books, helped you brush your teeth, and it's a few minutes past nine. It's time to be in bed." Remove the Child. In times when a caring adult realizes that her child is in a situation that is either perilous or will soon become so, a clear way to help the child understand the danger is to take action and remove her. In the case of a young child, it may mean to pick up a child before he can punch a neighborhood friend. In the case of a teenager, it may mean developing a code word that the teen can use to alert a parent that a party is not going well and that she needs "rescuing" from a compromising situation. When a child's safety is involved, action rather than discussion is warranted. For example, the time to talk to a child about not walking in front of a swing is after you have removed and thus rescued the child from the oncoming feet of another child, not while he is unknowingly walking into danger. Use Induction. Induction refers to proactive explanations to children that help them understand the why's and how's of a particular rule or expectation. For example, a father might explain to his child who is just learning to ride his bike: "I know that it's exciting to be able to ride fast and far, but right now your boundaries are this mailbox to that corner. When you get older, we will let you ride farther by yourself, but for now, it's important that you ride your bike close to our house so we can help you if you fall and we can make sure that you hear any cars coming up behind you so you can steer closer to the sidewalk." Reasoning and induction by parents elicit many positive outcomes in children's behavior even at a young age, as noted in your reading (see Parenting Skills article, pp. 21-22). Teach Appropriate Behavior. Consider yourself a coach to your children. When a player needs to improve his playing, his coach explains specific changes that he needs to make to achieve better performance. In a similar way, parents can coach their children. For example, a 7-year-old child who is whining at her parent is told: "I don't appreciate the whining voice. When you can ask me in a normal tone of voice, I'll be happy to talk with you about your concern."

Authoritative (Parenting and Regulation Strategies)

Children will learn to follow where we lead. Especially when they are lovingly taught early in their lives, they will come to rely on parental teachings as guides for their behavior. A strong relationship built on many mutually enjoyable moments and activities together will also help parents be more effective when misbehavior requires some correction. To be effective, parents can strengthen their ability to walk in the Savior's footsteps by treating their children with kindness, love, and sensitivity, just as He did. In this lesson, we will introduce principles and strategies of authoritative parenting that will help parents respond reflectively and respectfully rather than reflexively and reactively. One mother recounts: It was a busy day in our Costa Mesa, California, home. But then, with ten children and one on the way, every day was a bit hectic. On this particular day, however, I was having trouble doing even routine chores—all because of one little boy. Len, who was three at the time, was on my heels no matter where I went. Whenever I stopped to do something and turned back around, I would trip over him. Several times I patiently suggested fun activities to keep him occupied. "Wouldn't you like to play on the swing set?" I asked again. But he simply smiled an innocent smile and said, "Oh, that's all right, Mommy. I'd rather be in here with you." Then he continued to bounce happily along behind me. After stepping on his toes for the fifth time, I began to lose my patience and insisted that he go outside and play with the other children. When I asked him why he was acting this way, he looked up at me with sweet green eyes and said, "Well, Mommy, in Primary my teacher told me to walk in Jesus' footsteps. But I can't see him, so I'm walking in yours." I gathered Len in my arms and held him close. Tears of love and humility spilled over from the prayer that grew in my heart—a prayer of thanks for the simple yet beautiful perspective of a three-year-old boy. (Dalton & Johnson, 1994.) For most parents, an inquiry about the greatest challenges they face on a daily basis would likely center around making good decisions about guiding or disciplining their children. (In this lesson, we will use the term regulation in place of these terms.) Parents are familiar with the "how-to" instruction books that come with any major appliance, but may wonder why no instruction booklet is delivered with the installation of each new family member into the home. After a few years of trial and error, however, parents generally realize that if an instruction manual existed, it would have to be individualized and unique to each child anyway. Usually, the birth of a second child is all it takes to remind parents that a "one-solution-fits-all" approach is completely unrealistic. Beyond the need to tailor our parenting to suit each individual child, regulation decisions are also complicated by the fact that unique situations surface daily, each of which requires a judgment call—often in the spur of the moment. Finally, we must consider that children are constantly growing, developing, and passing through various ages and stages. Their growing maturity requires that the form of teaching and correction change as they become more capable and responsible. For these reasons and others, few topics are of more concern to dedicated, conscientious parents than the ways in which they can be most effective in teaching and regulating their children.

Be Positive

Don't touch that vase!" "Stop hitting!" "Don't leave any food on your plate!" "No drinking milk over the carpet!" "Quit running around the house!" "Don't stay on the phone so long!" Does any of this sound familiar? Although such statements may stop undesirable behavior in the short term, they do nothing in terms of teaching a child about what they can do, and they often induce negative feelings, including the sense of being undervalued in the family. A positive approach to parenting turns these statements around, providing clear direction, but adding an explanation. For example, "You can look at the vase, but remember that it might fall and break if you touch it." "Remember to use your words rather than your fists. Let's see if we can work this out between the two of you." "Please drink your milk in the kitchen. Spilled milk on the carpet is hard to clean and really smells bad." "Remember, run outside." "Please keep your call to twenty minutes because I need your help with dinner." Emphasizing the do's rather than the don'ts has great payoffs for younger and older children alike and sets a better climate in the home (Kuczynski & Kochanska, 1995). Redirect. Particularly with younger children, many situations can be solved by simply redirecting their attention to something else. For example, a parent who is working in the garden and having problems with a child trampling newly planted starts might say: "Hey, Jason, look at this cool gardening shovel. Could you dig me a hole right here?" Substituting a better activity for the one the child is engaged in can help him to be productively occupied instead. Offer Alternative Choices. In place of an undesirable behavior or activity, parents can give the child a choice of two acceptable alternatives. Children enjoy the sense of power and control they feel when they can make their own choices. For example, back to the garden, a parent might say to a 3-year-old: "I can't let you pick the flowers off of our tomato plant. We won't get any tomatoes if you do. But you could play in the sandbox or go ride your tricycle while I finish the weeding." As a caution, avoid giving choices when one or more of the alternatives are not acceptable. For example, asking a toddler "Do you want to get in your car seat?" is generally a sure fire way to hear an emphatic "No!" Instead, cheerily say, "You need to hop in the seat so we can go see Grandma. Oh, no. I see a tickle coming on!" A few laughs, a kiss, and a parent physically helping the child to move towards the car seat will be more successful than getting drawn into a power struggle over the car seat. Predisposing. Children past the toddler stage respond well to parents who help them understand the parameters of a situation before it arrives. For example, parents are frequently amazed at how often just informing a child that "we are not buying any candy today" prior to entering the store and giving a few gentle reminders before going to the check-out line will quell in-store rebellions before they have a chance to start. Likewise, looking ahead and saying things like, "It will be time to come inside in five minutes (or when the kitchen timer goes off)," "We need to hold hands when we cross the street," "Tomorrow, it is going to be cold, so be sure to put out your long pants," or "Everyone needs to take their plates to the sink after dinner" often resolve a multitude of problems before they begin. This type of predisposing is one of the best ways to head off problems before they start with younger and older children alike. Even older children appreciate knowing expectations and being aware of the family's schedule in advance (Chamberlain & Patterson, 1995; Pettit, Bates, & Dodge, 1997). Active Listening. At times, parents can jump to inaccurate conclusions about a situation they are facing with their child. Nothing can help so much as honest communication and active listening. When children are young, parents should listen to simple concerns with respect. Though these concerns may seem trivial to the parents, they are nevertheless important in the child's life at the time. During the school years and teen years, it becomes particularly important that parents stay tuned to the needs and concerns of their children and provide many opportunities for communication, both formal and informal. For example, after listening to 16-year-old Josh's description of his concerns about his math teacher, the parent can say: "I didn't realize you felt this way. What are you thinking about doing?" Overcoming the temptation to preach, give unsolicited advice, or find a quick fix, parents can help the teenager maintain ownership of the problem, but feel understood as they work together towards an acceptable solution to the problem (McFadyen-Ketchum, Bates, Dodge, & Pettit, 1996). Positive Reinforcement. Children respond enthusiastically to positive reinforcements in many forms, including tokens or parental praise. Sincere praise can encourage and motivate good behavior and assist the child to develop a positive self-image. Tokens such as candy, allowances, or other rewards can motivate good behavior. Also, parents might offer privileges, such as taking the child on an outing or allowing the child to participate in a sleepover, contingent on desirable behavior. For example, a parent offers to take the family to the movies after participating in an all-day family work project. Use Humor. In many instances, the stress of a difficult situation can be alleviated by using humor. Appropriate humor does not create laughter at the expense of a child's feeling; rather, it makes the circumstance fun and alleviates family tension. For example, one Sunday afternoon while piling into the car after church, the oldest child got really upset about having to sit in the far back seat of the Suburban and complained that the younger children never had to take their turns in the far back. This patient father noted the tension and the conflict brewing. He said, "You know, I've been thinking that maybe we should write to the car manufacturers and suggest that they make their Suburbans eight seats wide. Then we could all sit in the front together. The only problem is that it would take up both lanes and create quite a bit of traffic congestion." The frustrated 7-year-old broke into a wide smile. The rest of the ride home was filled with ridiculous suggestions about various car designs and everyone was laughing by the time they got home.

Diagnosing (Why Children Do What They Do)

Finally, when considering the appropriateness of a regulation strategy, Scoresby (1996) suggests that parents will be more effective if they suspend judgment about a behavior long enough to determine why the child is doing what he or she is doing. This diagnostic step relates directly to quickly assessing your objective, which is the second step for authoritative regulation. The reason behind a child's behavior can give us important clues that will help us determine a suitable and appropriate course of action. Scoresby lists four possible "causes" of behavior and suggests some appropriate responses: The child lacks knowledge. In some situations, children do what they do simply because they don't know any better. Young children may run into the road, take a handful of frosting out of a birthday cake, touch a hot pan, or speak insensitively. Whether these behaviors are prohibited because they are dangerous or simply socially unacceptable, parents can respond to a child's lack of knowledge regarding their behavior with teaching rather than punishment. For example, a parent asks his 4-year-old son to clean up his room. Developmental psychologists acknowledge that throughout the early childhood years, it is a cognitively difficult task for most children to reverse a process. Thus, while it was quite simple for the child to mess up his room in the context of playful interaction with friends or siblings, reversing the process in order to create a clean room can be overwhelming. An appropriate parental response is to teach, much like a mentor to an apprentice. The parent might join in the task and teach by saying: "Johnny, first let's look for all the toys. They go in the toy box. Next, let's pick up all your dirty clothes. They go in the laundry. Next, let's make your bed. It's just those three steps." The child's behavior is due to a developmental stage. Behavior due to a developmental stage is behavior that is typical of most all children that are the same age. Perhaps it is a behavior you remember engaging in at that age as well. If so, you at least have the reassurance that the behavior will eventually fade as the child grows older. If the behavior is just inconvenient, not destructive, then some patience, teaching, and even some ignoring of the behavior may be in order. For example, your 9-year-old boy seems to specialize in getting scabs. He runs headlong into all of his outdoor activities, which include biking, climbing trees, jumping on trampolines, and trying tricks on the playground equipment. Though you wish there was a way to slow him down, you remember enjoying similar activities. The grass-stained knees in his jeans are inconvenient, but his activity is normal. In order to avoid the potentially dangerous side of it, you set a few important general boundaries for safety (e.g., limiting his tree climbing to stronger trees, limiting the number of children that can be on the trampoline at the same time, and requiring him to wear a bike helmet). Choosing expectations that are reasonable and attainable for the child's age and maturity and being clear about your expectations with children will help them move in the right direction, towards more mature and responsible behavior. The child's behavior originates in an unfulfilled need. Children's behavior can signify an unfulfilled need. In these cases, the appropriate parental behavior is to identify what the child is lacking and try to provide it. In some cases, it is a physical need, such as being hungry, tired, thirsty, or uncomfortable. In other cases, it results from an unfulfilled emotional need. For example, the child is bored, lonely, frustrated, or feeling ignored or rejected. It is typical for behaviors resulting from an unfulfilled need to have an electric quality and to exist in many different contexts. Let's say that a family has just gone through a particularly stressful time. Though the child was not involved directly in the situation, she lived for several weeks with stressed-out family members. The child begins to withdraw and is grumpy and hard to get along with. She begins to react more intensely and defiantly to requests for compliance. The parents realize that the child needs support and they make a concerted effort to direct more time, attention, and affection to this child. They take turns taking the child out every week for a one-on-one "date." Over the course of several weeks, the parents show increased love and patience with the child and the behavior settles down. The child's behavior is due to something in the environment. When behavior originates from an environmental cause, it is generally isolated to one or a few situations, but is not pervasive across all situations. Also, when the stimulus that caused the problem goes away, the misbehavior usually disappears. For example, let's say that Richard, a school-age child, declares that he is not going to ride the bus to school and needs a ride. This is practical for a time or two, but not for the rest of the school year. His mother explains to him that it is important for him to ride the bus and save the family the disruption of an extra trip, but he is adamant that he will not ride the bus. This mother suspects an environmental cause and guesses that something must be happening on the bus that is unpleasant for her son. She bakes some chocolate chip cookies and sits down with Richard after school to share the cookies together. In the more relaxed atmosphere of a snack time with his mother, he relates to her his fear of a child who bullies him during the bus ride to school. His mother now understands the problem and can take positive steps to alleviate it. When the situation cannot be alleviated, wise parents may find that they can prepare the child to handle the situation better or change their child's perception of the threat.

Steps (for Authoritative Regulation)

Here are some important steps to keep in mind as you deal with regulation in an authoritative way: Keep a cool head. As soon as you allow the emotion of the situation to overwhelm you, frustrate you, or make you angry, you lose the ability to think reasonably and rationally as you search for a proper response to the situation. Train yourself to stay calm and objective and to pray for patience. Quickly assess your objective. Determine the issue of the situation. Ask yourself what has gone wrong and how you could turn this into a teaching opportunity. Emphasize teaching. If appropriate for the situation, take time to help the child see what went wrong and talk with him about how to solve the situation. Listening to his view of the situation will help you understand what needs correction. An important starting point in successful regulation is to think of it as teaching rather than as punishing (Young, Black, Marchant, Mitchem, & West, 2000). If needed, administer the mildest form of correction that will succeed. Rather than having a standard punishment, such as "timeout," spanking, or lecturing, become aware of all kinds of strategies that can help you find a response that best fits the situation. An experienced mother concurs: "Since children are so dependent upon parents for love and security, they are extremely sensitive to parental disapproval. It is therefore unwise and unnecessary to use harsh forms of discipline when a simple expression of displeasure is needed. In fact, I have found that when I overuse my power as a parent, I invite the child to erect a wall of protectiveness and insensitivity to my wishes. Consequently, I find more discreet forms of discipline more appropriate. For instance, I try never to spank when a simple look of disfavor will do; and I try never to speak sharply when a calm voice is all that is required" (Sorenson, 1989). Show forth love. The scripture quoted above demonstrates that showing increased love is an essential element of correction. Otherwise, the child begins to fear rather than trust you. (Note: If you find it hard to show love, then something went wrong in the previous steps. Ask forgiveness from your child and try to do better the next time.) As she learned to become more authoritative in her regulation strategies, one mother related the following: After twenty years of improving my perspective and clarifying my sense of the essential place love has in discipline, I can now see how I fell over and over into the trap of mortal impulse. Somewhere, I am sure, under all the displays of temper and frustration, were the good intentions of a bewildered parent. But I am quite certain that any order and discipline I obtained were in spite of these displays rather than because of them. There was a time when I believed that children obey because of the power generated by a parent, particularly fear of punishment. Then I read a statement by President David O. McKay and realized that I was using the wrong tool in attempting to maintain control over my children. President McKay said that in our relationships with others, love should be "the ruling principle and the motive force." (Sorensen, 1989.)

Final Word

In conclusion, we end where we began—with an acknowledgement that this topic encompasses some of the greatest challenges a parent will face. Rearing children that understand and live moral standards of behavior, exhibit self-control, interact positively and sensitively with others, respect proper authority, and have strong, vital relationships with their Heavenly Father is our ultimate goal. We will require much help along the way if we are to be successful. Relying heavily on the Spirit to guide us in our actions will be one of the most important things we can do. If we ask, we will receive needed guidance. If we feel we were too harsh or severe, we probably were, and we can ask for forgiveness. If we are confounded by a decision, we can take time to pray and seek a wise and reasonable solution before we act. After all, they are His children, too.

Regulatory Practices

In the reading, the authors carefully distinguished between parenting style and practices. Having already emphasized the effectiveness of the authoritative style, let us now turn to specific regulatory practices that parents may consider when making decisions about responding to misbehavior. Watch a skilled parent in action and you will notice the use of a variety of regulation strategies, generally tailored to the specific situation and/or child. You will probably notice as well that a strong backbone and a terrific sense of humor are important assets in dealing with children in positive ways. In just a few words, we can summarize some guidelines for regulation strategies as follows: Be clear. Be positive. Be firm. As we review each of these three "Be's," several examples of regulation strategies will be defined and illustrated with an example. You may want to consider taking a personal inventory, considering those that you already use and feel comfortable with and pondering the possibility of trying others that are not already established practices for you.

Purpose (of Authoritative Regulation)

Perhaps at the outset, we would do well to clarify our ultimate objective in regulation. If the objective is simply to have well-behaved kids who stay out of trouble and don't bother anyone with inconvenient, unruly, or mess-making behavior, then we have perhaps viewed this topic from too narrow a perspective. The fact is that children begin life in an immature and highly dependent state. Throughout childhood and adolescence, individuals work slowly towards greater maturity, independence, and self-control. Expecting that they will respond wisely all along the way or that some quick and easy technique will magically mature them simply misses the point and will result in a tremendous amount of frustration for both parent and child. Indeed, this narrowed perspective often plays out in parents choosing short-term solutions that may work for the moment, but which often compound problems over the long term. In addition, a gospel perspective adds the dimension of helping us to understand parenting as a tool in our Heavenly Father's plan to help His adult children develop godly virtues. Built in is the foreknowledge that we would make some mistakes along the way (which is why children are fairly resilient) and that His example and His Spirit would be our best guides to success. In learning from our Savior's example, we recognize that during His earthly ministry, the Lord spent much more time teaching and leading by example than He did chastising or punishing. He corrected His disciples when necessary, but used those moments to teach important principles as well. Also, it is good to note that in each scriptural passage recording His interactions with children, the tenderness of His touch and the sincerity of His love were deeply compelling. Thus, we are led to understand that regulation needs to be motivated by love for our children, that the primary objective should be to teach them to understand and apply true principles, and that we should avoid attempting to exercise unrighteous dominion by attempting to coercively control their behavior or vent our own anger and frustration (Hart, Newell, & Sine, 2000). One of the most beautiful passages of scripture on this topic has been quoted often by the leaders of the Church and is found in D&C 121: 41-44: No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood [or parenthood], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. The elements insuring that we carefully and righteously use our power and influence in the lives of children are impressive. Also, the techniques enjoined towards this goal include persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and kindness. Further, our interactions are motivated properly when we base them on "love unfeigned." Note the encouragement to seek "pure knowledge" so that we act from an informed perspective. Within the counsel to act without hypocrisy we see the profound power of example. Finally, this scripture helps us to understand that we are to regulate in ways that do not excuse the Spirit of God from our hearts and that demonstrate greater love for the individual, thereby fostering a sense of unity and connectedness rather than hostility or rejection. In four verses, the Lord was able to encapsulate the major principles needed for successful regulation. With this in mind, the purpose of regulation becomes clearer. Regulation involves helping children to: understand and internalize moral standards of behavior, develop self-control, interact positively and sensitively with others, respect proper authority, and have strong, vital relationships with their Heavenly Father. It will take tremendous effort and commitment to deal with children's behavior on a daily basis with wisdom, patience, and a willingness to see each situation as an opportunity to demonstrate loving concern and to teach, but we can make no wiser investment in our children's future than to train them in the "nurture and admonition" of the Lord.

Parenting Pyramid

The author of the "Parenting Pyramid" suggests that regulation can be seen as the apex of a pyramid with the following supports: Correction Teaching Parent/Child Relationship Husband/Wife Relationship Personal Way of Being he pyramid operates hierarchically with any difficulty at one level being mediated by the effectiveness of the level just below it. For example, if parents are having difficulty correcting their child (e.g., the child ignores them, disobeys them frequently, or the parent feels unsatisfied with the effectiveness of the regulation strategy they are using), they should seriously consider the quality of their teaching. In fact, the author suggests that the effectiveness of our correction of our children, whatever method we use, will always depend on the effectiveness of our prior teaching of them (p. 3). Parents who take time to teach and train children in both structured and formal situations (such as family home evening) and in informal, spontaneous situations will find their children more prepared to accept parental counsel. If the climate of the home is supportive, positive, and authoritative, children will be more open to parental input and direction (Darling & Steinberg, 1993; Grusec & Goodnow, 1994; and Mize & Pettit, 1997). President Thomas S. Monson once related how he, as a young bishop, became aware of the grumbling of the deacons in his ward about collecting fast offerings early in the morning. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin related his response to this problem as follows: Instead of calling the young men to task, this wise bishop took them to Welfare Square in Salt Lake City. There, the boys met a disabled woman operating the switchboard. They saw a blind man placing labels on cans, and an elderly brother stocking shelves. As a result of what they saw, President Monson said, a penetrating silence came over the boys as they witnessed the end result of their efforts to collect the sacred funds that aided the needy and provided employment for those who otherwise would be idle. (Wirthlin, 2001.) President Monson realized that teaching these boys and helping them realize the importance of their responsibility would be a more lasting solution than simply trying to correct their behavior by taking them to task. (See Young et al., 2000, for practical hints on teaching.) In the Parenting Pyramid, the next premise is that if teaching is not effective, it is important to look at strengthening the parent-child relationship. Without a strong parent-child relationship, teaching can easily be construed as lecturing and be ignored. However, if the parent-child relationship is strong, the child is more likely to respect and pay attention to the instruction given. For example, the author of the pyramid tells how he successfully dealt with his concern about his teenage boys starting to go to a pool hall on Friday nights. He was not pleased with their choice, but realized that they would likely become angry if he were to confront them directly on the issue. He cleared his own calendar for the next several Friday nights and went with them to play pool. They all noticed after a few weekends that the pool hall seemed to be a place that attracted people who were lonely and unhappy. On the way home one Friday night, the father told his boys that he didn't feel like going there anymore. The boys agreed that it was a place they didn't want to spend any more time either. No arguments or conflicts occurred, and the father had taken an opportunity to teach firsthand about the choices people make and the kind of life-styles they lead to. In addition, the parent-child relationship was strengthened through spending time together and communicating positively with each other. If trouble is brewing in the parent-child relationship, individuals would do well to look deeper to the central relationship in the home—the marital relationship. Interestingly, researchers have found that marital conflict is the most accurate familial predictor of childhood behavior problems (Hart, Olsen, Robinson, & Mandelco, 1997). Children need the example of a harmonious marriage to teach them about human relationships and to build a climate of warmth and security that will reduce the need to act out their frustrations by misbehaving. Finally, the bottom layer of the parenting pyramid deals with one's personal way of being. Fundamental to our success in all of these layers is the personal example we set in our families. Our behaviors, attitudes, habits, and personal qualities will either add to or detract from our ability to be effective teachers. While it is tempting for a parent to assume that their child's problem behavior is the fault of the child or someone else, a humble attitude will have that same parent asking himself whether there is need for personal change. As we repent and make personal improvements, there will be more resources available to consecrate to building a stronger marriage and more positive parent-child relationships. Indeed, we can summarize with this statement: "The better the person, the better the parent."

Be Firm

Use Natural or Logical Consequences. When a child's behavior requires a parent to impose a negative consequence, parents should consider some of the following questions: Is there a natural negative consequence to this behavior? If not, is there a logical consequence to this behavior which would tie the mistake more closely to the consequence in the child's mind? Is the negative consequence likely to ultimately benefit the child? Is there a way to accompany it with reasoning and teaching? Am I being reasonable or is the tension of the moment overcoming my better judgment? At times, negative consequences to mistakes occur naturally and can teach children effectively about the results of their choices. A teenager who is slow to get out of bed in the morning finds that she doesn't have enough time to wash and style her hair in just the right way before she has to rush off to school. If appropriate to the nature of the situation, allowing children to experience these negative natural consequences can assist parents as they teach children principles. At other times, there is no natural consequence, but a logical consequence for misbehavior can be imposed by the parent. For example, a child who has the daily responsibility for setting the table can be given the opportunity to do the dishes if he does not show up while dinner is being prepared. Restitution. The Savior taught that one of the important parts of the repentance process was the restitution of those things that we hurt or damaged in the process of making the mistake. Particularly for children, this gives them an opportunity to learn about the cause and effect of certain kinds of mistakes and can help them avoid making the same mistake over and over again. For example, a child who runs through a neighbor's flowerbed or who walks onto a newly mopped kitchen floor with muddy feet could be given the opportunity to replant some flowers or re-mop the floor. While a forced apology can breed further hostility, a discussion about why the individual felt hurt by the situation may help ease the situation enough that the child can begin to feel sorry enough about the mistake to make a sincere apology. As parents help a child mop up a glass of spilled milk or walk to the neighborhood grocery store to confess stealing a candy bar, they have an excellent opportunity to talk about the laws of repentance and forgiveness in a kind way that helps them turn their lives to Christ and better appreciate His mercies. Rehearsal. With younger children who are still learning strategies for negotiating social encounters with friends and siblings, a parent who serves as an "interaction coach" can help each individual listen to the other side of the story, can help them come up with solutions, and can assist them as they follow through with their proposed plan. Perhaps holding a contested toy until the children have worked out a way to solve their problem can motivate some creative solutions and some sharing. Helping children to take responsibility in resolving conflict prepares them to take some of their own preventative measures in working out play arrangements and toy ownership before it escalates into a problem. Assisting children to become more skilled in social interaction at young ages can help children become empowered to initiate, communicate, and manage their own peer relationships in both informal and classroom contexts (Hart et al., 1997). Older children can benefit from being sent back to "rehearse" in a situation where they did not fare so well, as in the case of sibling relations. One parent's response to quarreling between siblings was to set them to work cleaning windows. They were to stand on opposite sides of the same window and clean it until it was bright and shiny. No doubt squirting the glass cleaner at one another probably allowed them to take out some frustration on their cleaning partner, but the activity also generally started them laughing and giggling, relieving the tension of the moment. Follow-Through. Children will respond more quickly when they know that their parent is likely to follow through when they do not respond promptly to a request or knowingly disobey a family rule. For example, a mother asks her fourth grader to put his backpack and jacket away rather than dropping them in the middle of the floor. If the parent only follows through occasionally, she may have to ask four or five times before the child is willing to comply. He may deliberately delay to see if she will finally get tired of asking and just do it herself. A child whose parent follows through consistently knows that maybe only one reminder will be given before he is sure to find himself picking up his backpack and heading for his room. Parents who follow through build a sense of trust and security in their children and affirm that requests are purposeful and that compliance is expected or consequences will follow.

Strategies (Authoritative Regulation Strategies)

et's take a look at an analogy that might be helpful in understanding the dynamics of choosing an appropriate regulation strategy. Suppose for a minute that you show up late for work several mornings in a row. Imagine Scenario A: Your boss storms into your office and in front of your colleagues yells: "This is the third time in a row that you have come in late. I am sick and tired of having to deal with this kind of behavior. Either you get your act together or you are out of here!" Now imagine Scenario B: Your boss calls you into his office. He indicates that he has noticed that you have been coming to work late for the last several days. "Is there something wrong?" he inquires. You explain your reasons, which include a family situation that has created some stress. He is flexible and indicates that he would prefer that you get to work on time, but until the family situation gets under control, he would be willing to have you make up the time missed by staying later on some days. He reiterates his confidence in you as an employee and his appreciation for the contribution you make to the company. Which of the two bosses would you rather have? Think more closely about how this applies to parenting regulation strategies. Notice how Boss A humiliated the employee in front of others and how Boss B spoke to the employee in private. Children deserve the same respect, with regulation being carried out in private settings, when possible. Notice how Boss A raised his voice and Boss B calmly discussed the situation. Children deserve to not be yelled at. Notice how Boss A threatens the employee, while Boss B tries to find out what is wrong. While helping children to see the consequences of their actions is the parents' responsibility, threatening children is generally an ineffective parenting practice, particularly in the context of anger. Finally, notice that Boss A did not ask and did not seem to care about the employee's point of view, while Boss B was willing to negotiate a solution that was equitable for all. Authoritative parents take time to listen and negotiate a solution that serves the needs of all involved. The moral to the story, then, is that children need to be treated with respect even when they have done something wrong—just like you would wish to be treated with respect by your employer. Finally, compare the degree of loyalty to the company and the employee's likelihood of improving the late-coming behavior when working under Boss A or Boss B. If children are treated with respect, like the employee was with Boss B, they will be more motivated to correct their behavior and will develop a stronger sense of loyalty to their parents. Research bears out the significance of the principles we have discussed. As discussed in previous lessons, coercive strategies used to regulate child behavior have been linked to serious negative outcomes, including many forms of antisocial, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors in children and adolescents (Deater-Deckard & Dodge, 1997; also see footnote 58 in the Proclamation chapter from lesson 3 for many supportive references on this point). Furthermore, study after study has shown that responsive parents who are accepting, nurturing, patient, sensitive, and playful with their children have children who perform better academically and who are better connected emotionally and socially with their family members and peers (Barber, 1997; Hart et al., 1997). It is this foundation provided in the family that tends to predict healthy adjustment to lifelong circumstances. In fact, research shows that such parenting can lessen hostility, resentment, and anger in children, and create conditions that make children more open to parental rules, expectations, and values (Kochanska, 1997). Also, harsh treatment doesn't appear to work for children of any temperament—even those considered difficult—and is not likely to effectively help children develop self-regulation (Berk, 2001).