Noises Off! Belinda/Flavia Lines
SELSDON: Hard to what?
ADJUST TO RETIREMENT
FREDERICK: I see that.
And Freddie, my sweet, Selsdon needs them in the study for his scene
LLOYD: I'm starting to know what God felt like when he sat out there in the darkness creating the world.
And what did he feel like, Lloyd, my love?
DOTTY: Where have you been Selsdon?
Are you all right, Selsdon?
DOTTY: Wait till we've got to Stockton-on-Tees in twelve weeks time
Are you alright, Lloyd, my precious?
LLOYD: And on we go. Dotty in the kitchen, wildly roasting sardines. Freddie and Belinda waiting impatiently outside the front door. Garry and Brooke disappearing tremulously into the bedroom. Time sliding irrevocably into the past.
Aren't they sweet?
FREDERICK: Thank you, Lloyd. That's most helpful.
Bless you, my sweet
GARRY: Oh! Isn't she just, I mean, she really is, isn't she. Belinda's being all, you know.
But Freddie, my precious, don't you like a nice all night technical?
PHILIP: I didn't get this! I'm not here. I'm in Spain. But if I didn't get it I didn't open it.
Darling, I've never had a dress like this, did I?
VICKI: You don't think there's something creepy going on?
Darling, are you coming to bed or aren't you?
PHILIP: Darling, I'm stuck to the sardines!
Darling, don't play the fool. Get that bottle marked poison in the downstairs loo. That eats through anything.
PHILIP: Darling, I know this is going to sound silly, but...
Darling, if we're not going to bed I'm going to clear the attic
PHILIP: I can't come to bed! I'm glued to a tax demand!
Darling, why don't you put the sardines down?
PHILIP: Home sweet home!
Dear old house!
LLOYD: Tell me, Poppy, love- how did you get a job that requires tact and understanding? You're not somebody's girlfriend, are you?
Don't worry, Poppy, my sweet. He truly did not hear
GARRY: Just something to buy a little house that she could I mean, come on, that's not so much to ask.
Don't you cry, my sweet! It's not your fault!
GARRY: No one move their feet.
Everyone put their feet back exactly where they were
GARRY: She loves technicals! Isn't she just, I mean, honestly, she loves technicals! Dotty! Where's Dotty?
Everyone's always so nice to everyone
FREDERICK: Sorry, everyone. Am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors.
Freddie, my sweet, you're doing it perfectly
POPPY: I think so.
Freddie?
Lloyd: What?
Garry and Dotty!
LLOYD: Very pleased he'd taken his Valium.
He had six days, of course. We've only got six hours
TIM: Two spare burglars.
He has been on his feet for forty-eight hours Lloyd
TIM: Oh, right.
He hasn't been to bed for forty-eight hours
DOTTY: He shouldn't have been out of sight! I said, he must never be out of sight!
He's been as good as gold all the way through rehearsals
LLOYD: Now what?
He's just feeling a little faint, my love. He's got this thing about...
LLOYD: What's the matter with him?
He's just got a little nosebleed, my sweet
PHILIP: No, it's Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off, remember. We've got the place.... Entirely to ourselves.
Home!
BROOKE: It had gone round the side.
I knew it hadn't gone far. Are you alright, Poppy my sweet?
Philip: Didn't you?
I shouldn't buy anything as tarty as this... Oh, it's not something you gave me is it?
PHILIP: Champagne?
I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's aired the bed
MRS> CLACKETT: Oh, and that bed hasn't been aired love.
I'll get a hot water bottle.
PHILIP: It's damned serious! If Inland Revenue find out we're in the country, even for one night, bang goes our claim to be resident abroad. Bang goes most of this year's income. I feel like an illegal immigrant.
I'll tell you what I feel like
SELSDON: Is it a party?
Is it a party?
SELSDON: Is it? How killing! I got into my head there was going to be a rehearsal. I was having a little postprandial snooze at the back of the stalls so as to be ready for the rehearsal.
Isn't he lovely?
LLOYD: Selsdon...? You're on, Selsdon. We're there. The moment's arrived...
It' all right, love. He's coming, he's coming...
BROOKE: Who are we talking about now?
It's all right, my sweet. We know you can't see anything
PHILIP: Just waiting for us to come back!
It's rather funny, though, creeping in like this for our wedding anniversary!
LLOYD: What? You mean they're an item? Those two? Tramplemain and Mrs. Clackett?
It's supposed to be a secret
PHILIP: True. There is something to be said for being a tax exile.
Leave those!
LLOYD: Tim, are you fully awake?
Lloyd, he has been putting the set up all weekend
LLOYD: All right, I'll give you a reason. You carry those groceries into the study, Freddie, honey, because it's just slightly after midnight, and we're not going to be finished before we open tomorrow night. Correction - before we open TONIGHT. And we go from Freddie's exit, with the groceries.
Lloyd, sweetheart, his wife left him this morning
MRS. CLACKETT: What I did with that first lot of sardines I shall never know.
MRS. CLACKETT
LLOYD: A nosebleed? No one touched him!
No, he's got a thing about violence. It always makes his nose bleed
PHILIP: I should never have touched it.
No, it's lovely
SELSDON: You all go ahead. I'll sit and watch you. This is the beer in the wardrobe, is it?
No, my sweet, he wants us to rehearse
ROGER: There's another car outside! That's not Mr. Hackham's is it? Or Mr. Dudley's?
Nothing but flapping doors in this house
BROOKE: Would what?
Now come on, my sweets, be fair! We don't know
LLOYD: So just keep going. Bang, bang, bang. Bang you're on. Bang you're off. And everything will be perfectly where's Selsdon?
Oh no!
FREDERICK: The only thing I like about technicals is you get to sit on the furniture.
Oh, Freddie, my precious! It's lovely to see you cheering up and making jokes
LLOYD: And there was Poppy. And God said, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors.'
Oh, I love technicals!
LLOYD: Listen. Since we've stopped anyway. OK, it took two days to get the set up, so we shan't have time for a dress rehearsal. Don't worry. Think of the first night as a dress rehearsal. If we can just get through the play once tonight for doors and sardines. That's what it's all about. Doors and sardines. Getting on — getting off. Getting the sardines on — getting the sardines off. That's farce. That's the theatre. That's life.
Oh, Lloyd, you're so deep
SELSDON: I'll tell you something, Poppy. Once you've got it in your nostrils you never forget it. Sixty years now and the smell of the theatre still haunts me.
Oh, bless him!
FREDERICK: Oh dear. (Clasps handkerchief to nose)
Oh, look at Freddie, the poor love!
LLOYD: Don't worry, Tim. Only another twenty-four hours and it'll be the end of the day
Oh, look, he's come down to earth amongst us
LLOYD: Who knows? The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy. Maybe something happened to you as a very small child which made you frightened to let go of groceries.
Or it could be genetic
POPPY: Because when you get close to Selsdon...
Poppy
BROOKE: You mean Selsdon? I'm not blind. I can see Selsdon.
Selsdon!
GARRY: Not already?
Selsdon!
LLOYD: Selsdon...where is he? Is he there?
Selsdon!
LLOYD: Garry and Dotty?
Sh!
LLOYD: But she's old enough to be...
Sh! Didn't you know?
POPPY: Where did you last see it?
She didn't see it, poor sweet! It was in her eye!
LLOYD: Brooke, love, is this going to happen during a performance? We don't want the audience to miss their last buses and trains.
She'll just carry on. Won't you, my love?
BROOKE: Anyway, I've found it!
She's found it!
LLOYD: Yes, yes, there!
Sit down, my precious
GARRY: Sorry, loves, this door won't open.
Sorry, love, this door won't close
POPPY: Stop
Stop
MRS. CLACKETT: Oh, like that, is it? The income tax are after you?
They would be, if they knew we were here
FREDERICK: Oh, was that a joke?
This is such a lovely company to work with. It's such a happy company
LLOYD: You're not trying to do too much, are you, Tim?
Tim, my love, this door won't close
FREDERICK: Oh dear. (He sits down again)
We all understand, my precious
DOTTY: I just wanted to put a little something by.
We know, love
PHILIP: So did mine!
We thought you'd gone!
PHILIP: Oh...
Well
GARRY: In her eye!
Well done, my sweet
LLOYD: This thing about what?
Well, I won't say the word
PHILIP: Stick it down. Put it back. Never saw it.
Well, I'll put it in the attic, with all the other things you gave me that are too precious to wear
Philip: Darling!
Well, why not? No children. No friends dropping in! We're absolutely on our own
SELSDON: So what are we celebrating?
What are we celebrating?
PHILIP: Sh!
What?
PHILIP: We are! We are!
You haven't seen us!
