Professional Writing: Exam 1 (Fix the Sentences)

I try and minimize my travel.

As written, the sentence says the writer will both try something and minimize something, but the something that will be tried is to minimize my travel. Revised: I try to minimize my travel.

An office romance in San Diego between a manager and a female subordinate that turned nasty, cost the manager his job.

Comma error and misplaced relative clause: Don't put a single comma between a subject and its verb. Revised: An office romance in San Diego between a manager and a female subordinate turned nasty and cost the manager his job. Revised: In San Diego, a manager and female's office romance, which turned nasty, cost the manager his job.

The 909 printer is our most popular model, it offers an unequal blend of power and versatility.

Comma splice: Don't forget that a pronoun such as "it" can be the subject of an independent clause. Revised: The 909 printer is our most popular model because it offers an unequal blend of power and versatility. Revised: The 909 printer is our most popular model; it offers an unequal blend of power and versatility.

I hope you are pleased with the report, I would like to discuss it with you at your convenience.

Comma splice: a comma alone can't join two independent clauses. Revised: I hope you are pleased with the report, which I would like to discuss with you at your convenience. Revised: I hope you are pleased with the report; I would like to discuss it with you at your convenience.

He said that if the federal government were serious about climate change, it would introduce a tax on carbon emissions, however, he applauded the tax on inefficient vehicles.

Conjunctive adverb "however" can't link two independent clauses without a semicolon. Revised: He said that if the federal government were serious about climate change, it would introduce a tax on carbon emissions, but he applauded the tax on inefficient vehicles.

I read the questions carefully, therefore, I did well on the exam.

Conjunctive adverbs such as "therefore" and "however" can't link two independent clauses without a semicolon: Add a semicolon or use a subordinating conjunction to make one clause dependent on the other. Revised: I read the questions carefully; therefore, I did well on the exam. Revised: Because I read the questions carefully, I did well on the exam.

Suspecting fraud, the books were audited last month.

Dangling modifier: Books can't suspect fraud. Revised: Suspecting fraud, we audited the books last month.

The truck, that ran into the ditch, had faulty breaks.

An essential clause doesn't take commas. It's that truck that ran into the ditch and no other. Revised: The truck that ran into the ditch had faulty breaks.

The stewardess made sure the passengers had blankets after the flight took off.

Doesn't use gender-neutral language: Use "flight attendants." Revised: The flight attendants made sure the passengers had blankets after the flight took off.

Employees, who work the late shift, will receive a 10 percent bonus.

Essential clause doesn't take commas: Only the employees who work the late shift will receive this bonus. Revised: Employees who work the late shift will receive a 10 percent bonus.

Taking the ferry as a foot passenger results in less vehicles on the roads.

Incorrect choice of comparative adjective with countable noun: Use "fewer" when referring to countable things and "less" when referring to things that are uncountable or too numerous to count. Revised: Taking the ferry as a foot passenger results in fewer vehicles on the roads.

Along with a forgiveness of up to $2000 on the state sales tax for hybrid cars the price premium for some hybrids has effectively disappeared.

Missing comma after introductory phrase. Revised: Along with a forgiveness of up to $2000 on the state sales tax for hybrid cars, the price premium for some hybrids has effectively disappeared.

If you find the plastic marmot that I've lost please phone me immediately.

Missing comma after introductory subordinate clause. Revised: If you find the plastic marmot that I've lost, please phone me immediately.

The debate between the senator and his political opponent was about the merits of sweater vests.

Not clear and not concise. "Debate" is a nominalization. Revised: The senator and his political opponent debated the merits of sweater vests.

The entrance exam was failed by two-thirds of the applicants.

Not clear or concise. Revised: Two-thirds of the applicants failed the entrance exam.

He distributed annual reports to the audience bound in red and green covers.

Not clear; misplaced modifier. Revised: He distributed to the audience annual reports bound in red and green covers.

If you can't use the new iPod, please return it back to me.

Not concise. "Back" is redundant. Revised: If you can't use the new iPod, please return it to me.

Unfortunately, your order of plastic marmot figurines cannot be delivered before August 14.

Not constructive. Revised: Your order of plastic marmot figurines will be delivered on August 14.

We will re-evaluate our marketing strategy after the new chairman is hired.

Not courteous. Revised: We will re-evaluate our marketing strategy after the new chairperson is hired.

Everyone deals with workplace stress in their own way.

Noun-pronoun disagreement in number: "Everyone" is singular; "their" is plural. Revised: Everyone deals with workplace stress in his or her own way. Revised: People deal with workplace stress in their own way.

During the debate, Senator Sanders accused Clinton of breaking several promises. Among them a promise to reveal the name of Clinton Foundation donors.

Sentence fragment: The last sentence isn't a full sentence because it has no verb and the idea is not complete. Revised: During the debate, Senator Sanders accused Clinton of breaking several promises, among them a promise to reveal the name of Clinton Foundation donors. Revised: During the debate, Senator Sanders accused Clinton of breaking several promises. Among them was a promise to reveal the names of Clinton Foundation donors.

For example, Sunday school at the local church.

Sentence fragment: There's no verb, so add one. Revised: Sunday school is held at the local church.

We'd like to thank our list of volunteers and, if in error there is an omission of a name, we apologize as we had so many this year.

Spelling error and complex, wordy writing that creates illogical statements and ambiguous pronoun references. Revised: We'd like to thank our many volunteers this year and, because there were so many helping us and, because there were so many helping us, we apologize to those whom we didn't name.

The result of the tests are included in Appendix B.

Subject-verb disagreement in number: "Result," the subject of the sentence, is singular, and the verb that relates this subject ("are") is plural. Revised: The result of the test is included in Appendix B. Revised: The results of the test are included in Appendix B.