second exam- study guide

IMPR0VEMENT TOWARDS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

1) BE AWARE OF YOUR ATTRIBUTIONS 2) MINIMIZE TENDENCY TO "BLAME" AND MAKE MORE SITUATIONAL ATTRIBUTIONS FOR OTHERS' NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS • 3) DISENTANGLE IMPACT FROM INTENTIONS • 4) USE THE "AND" STANCE BY RECOGNIZING THAT THERE ARE MULTIPLE "RIGHT" PERSPECTIVE • 5) USE THE "PILLOW METHOD" FOR THE FIVE DIFFERING PERSPECTIVES AND FIND THAT "MIDDLE"

Types of stress

Controllable vs. Uncontrollable External vs. Internal Major vs. Minor Chronic vs. Acute

Effects of stress on communication

Stress -> reduced positive interactions (e.g., active listening, interest, and empathy) Stress -> increased negative behaviors (e.g., criticism, contempt, belligerence, and withdrawal) Physiological and Endocrinological measurements shows linkage as well Daily workload leads to more negative dyadic interaction at home

Patterns of conflict interaction

(1) negative reciprocity : people use these strategies more frequently than cooperative strategies. This may be because of the principle of negative reciprocity, a pattern whereby aggression begins more aggression. Flaming -- a hostile expression of emotions online through means such as swearing, insults, and name-calling. Lee (2005) noted that once started, flaming begets more flaming. People can also flame non-verbally by doing things like typing an insulting word or phrase in bold or all caps. (2) Demand -Withdraw : common but dysfunctional conflict sequence. this patterns occurs when one person wants to engage in conflict or makes demands on a partner and the other wants to avoid it. The person in the demanding position is likely to be in a less powerful position and tends to be dissatisfied with something. By contrast, the person in the withdrawing position is likely to be in a more powerful position and to be happy with the status quo. may have problems of punctuation ("i have to neg you all the time because you always withdraw .. i have to withdraw because you are always nagging me") ; more likely to occur with competitive or indirect fighting. (3) the four horsemen of the Apocalypse - a. criticism : complaints focus on a specific behavior but criticisms are not healthy becasue they focus on attacking and blaming the partner, they lead people to feel hurt and rejected. ex) "i can't believe how much space you hog up in the closet. you are so inconsiderate and rude !" b. defensiveness : People become defensive when they feel a need to protect themselves and ward off personal attacks . involves defending oneself by communicating, denying responsibility for a problem, making excuses, issuing counter-complaints, whining and mind reading ex) " well, if you weren't on your cell phone all the time maybe we could actually spend some quality time together without having to do anything special" c. contempt : communicates an air of superiority and is often the byproduct of long-standing problems in a relationship. when people feel they cannot solve their relational issues and their relationship is stagnating, they are often frustrated and perceive their partner as the problem. ex) "i need some damp help! all you do is sit there on your butt watching T.V. while i fix dinner and tend to the kids. i worked just as hard, actually harder, than you did today. you are just lazy and self-absorbed. d. stone-walling. usually occurs after a conflict pattern has become pervasive in the relationship one or both people shut down and withdraw from the interaction. interaction futile and the withdrawing partner usually experiences heightened anxiety and a rapid pulse rate such that he or she just wants to get away. the antidote for stonewalling is physiological self-soothing. -- taking a break from the conflict, usually by telling your partner that you are feeling too much emotion and need to step away for a while to calm down and regain your thoughts. ex)"just stop yacking and let me watch T.V. I'm really not interested in anything you have to say" (3) accomodation : for people to be able to successfully substitute the antidotes for the four horseman of the apocalypse, they need to be able to engage in accomodation. 3 principles -- a. people have a tendency to retaliate or withdraw when their partner engages in negative behavior. b. accommodation occurs when people are able to overcome thes initial tendencis and enngage in cooperative rhather than uncoopertive communication to maintian theri relationsihps c. couples in satisfying, committed relationships more often use accomodation than couples in uncommitted or dissatisfying relationships.

Gottman: The marital poop detector

(by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want--those who insisted on gently confronting each other wound up happy later) -to be equipped with a built-in early-warning system = the marital poop detector ( a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn't smell right) - to talk about issues while they are still minor, before they build up steam ex) "hey, i really feel out of touch with you what's going on? " (be careful not to address any issues before bed time)

[Week 9 Readings] Gottman: Turn toward each other instead of away

* Hours of footage in which wife and husband make small talk * What classifies turning toward each other? - When couples engage in lots of chitchat - Example: -> Husband: "Wow look at that boat" -> Wife: "Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?" * couple puts emphasis on "mentally stroking" each other )even if they have heard the story many times before) * Findings: -> Those who turn toward each other as opposed to away have a happier, more successful marriages

The stress-related research discussed in lecture/the videos, particularly Kiecolt-Glaser et al. (2005) research and stress-buffering,

* Kiecolt-Glaser et al. (2005) research and stress-buffering (couples with blisters) 1. couples blister wounds healed more slowly and local syokine production was lower at wound sites following marital conflict than after social support interactions 2. couples who demonstrated consistently higher levels of hostile behaviors across both their interactions healed at 60% of the low hostile couples 3. high hostile couples showed highest negative effect on tumor necrosis the morning after the conflict than after social support interaction compared to low-hostile couples * Conclusions - Study provides further evidence of the sensitivity of wound healing to everyday stressors, particularly couple negative communication. Show negative effects on health and age-related diseases. - These data provide a window on the pathways through which hostile relationships affect physiological functions and health. stress response depend on : 1. How we appraise the event. 2. Our capacity to respond to it. [stress buffering] Problem Solving -Effective problem-solving skills protect against stress (Conger et al., 1990, 1999) -New parents tend to experience fewer declines in relationship satisfaction if they display positive problem-solving behaviors, report less negativity, and greater affection Social Support - The extent that wives reported receiving more adequate support from their husbands, changes in wives' role strain were significantly less strongly associated with their own marital decline (Brock & Lawrence, 2008). Wives increase home involvement on days when husband had more work stress (Bolger et al.,1989) - but, not true for husbands Withdrawal? a) Police officers' daily stress and marital communication study = On high stress days, even as husbands show more emotional negativity and less positivity, wives were less likely to reciprocate their husbands' expressions of negative affect. b) Air Traffic Controller study = Withdrawing from marital interaction on days of higher stress may help protect the relationship from emotional negativity and decrease marital conflict

Gottman: Enhance your love maps

- "The part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life" - Something as simple as what is your loved one's favorite show or how they take their steak... - -It may sound trivial but these are important pieces of information that hold the key to marital success. - Love maps must constantly be reassessed - An individual's personality and ideas about their world and how it operates change with time. - Think about the person you were in high school. What are some differences between high school you and college you? ; emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar each other's world - love map: part of your brain where you store all relevant information about your partner's life; made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage; remember major events in each other's history, keep updating their information > having detailed love maps of each other's far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict

Gottman: Nurture your fondness and admiration

- As long as fondness and admiration are a part of the relationship, it is still salvageable. These two things will keep the relationship long-lasting - The best way to find out is to ask the couple how they view the past - How did you two meet? - What was your first date like? - What did you like about your partner?

Impact of children on couples

- Couples are more likely to stay together in the first 7 years if they have children, but there is little difference from couples without children after that time. - 40%-70% of couples have a drop-in satisfaction after children, within 1yr. (sleep deprivation; ignored husband) - ¨ PARENTS' INTERACTIONS have a strong effect on children's emotional health and early learning

How stress affects conflict

- Flight or fight syndrome (amygdala high jacking) affects perception - See less, hear less, miss more cues from environment, make more mistakes - High stress disrupts perception, thinking & dampens conscious memory - Focus narrowly on what organism believes most important

Gottman: The purpose of marriage

- Most marital arguments cannot be resolved because these are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. > learn how to live with marriage by honoring as respecting each other. - 1. Understand what happens when the seven principles are not followed; learning about the failures can prevent your marriage from making the same mistakes - or rescue it if it already has made them

Gottman : Secret Weapon

- Repair attempt - any statement or action - silly or otherwise - that prevents negativity from escalating out of control, a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples - Deescalates the tension in a situation and therefore reduces negativity - When a discussion starts out on the wrong foot, or you find yourself in an endless cycle of accusations, you can prevent an argument if you know how to stop. - Example: When Michael gets defensive over cleaning off the counters in the kitchen all the time, Justine doesn't immediately discount his point and instead agrees with him before continuing her rebuttal. By agreeing that Michael does a lot of the work, she confirms that she has heard his statement and is taking it into account before she continues to retaliate with an argument

Parallels with Reactive Depression

- Triggered by traumatic life event (ex. death of loved one). - Passivity - Difficulty in learning responses that bring relief. - Physical symptoms. - Stress related disorders.

The findings of the Finkel study

- a 21-min writing intervention in which participants reappraised conflict in their marriage protected them against declines in marital quality over time. - evidence that this effect was driven, at least in part, by a reduction in conflict-related distress over time among participants in the intervention condition. - the power of adopting a third-party perspective to reduce anger related to relationship conflicts. - this effect of the reappraisal intervention on martial quality over time was mediated reductions in conflict-related distress over time

Gottman: The magic six hours

1) partings : (make sure you've learned one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day ; 2 minutesx 5 days = 10 minutes) 2) reunion : (a hug and a kiss; 20 minutes a day x 5 days = 1hr 40 minutes) 3) admiration and appreciation : (to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse; 5 minutes a day x 7 days = 35 minutes ) 4) affection: (show each other physical affection when you're together ; 5 minutes a day x 7 days = 35 minutes) 5) weekly date : ( time that can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected; 2 hours) 6) state of the union meeting ( to talk about your relationship this week; 1 hour )

Gottman: Create shared meaning

1) rituals of connection ( a ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness) 2) support for each other's roles (from the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mates can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension) 3) shared goals (not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest objectives with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they an be a path toward making your union even richer) 4) shard values and symbols (these are philosophical tenets-a principle of belief- that guide how you wish to conduct your lives)

main points of each online video

1. "You" message (blaming and accusing > communication blocks) 2. "I" messages (Partner's behavior, and what I was feeling, consequences to you -> communication skills > active listening) 3. Active listening - first mention Partner's behavior -> then your real feeling / then consequences > Listen to understand - summarize(paraphrasing-an important communication skills - verify (its that what you feel? ) * you dont need to agree with partner's point of view. * 4. Listening video - continue to listen for effective communication skills, maintain to keep quiet in order not to interrupt what the partner's saying, trying to understand partner's point of view 5. Fundamental attribution error & listening - Amanda' open door policy failed (she kept multitasking) > people thought she was rude; re-arrange furniture> communication skills being rated higher; "fundamental attribution error could be changed simply by changing, their environment- we tend to attribute the way of people's behavior to who they are, rather than to the situation. 6. Bamboo: stress > are not thinking of predator (bulk) > not getting stressed > not having anxiety; danger passed - physiology come back > humans; stress response raised when we survived; Stressful related diseases, turning stressful response all the time, primate invention; species psychological non-sense - our specialty (mind game) / bamboo similar to human / cause lots of disease when we get the stress hormone. 7. High stress - blister > getting stress > two groups between a receiving healing group and control group; healing group remarkably got better; long last stress, chronic stress affect people's immune system.

The Benefits of Understanding Contribution

1. Contribution Is Easier to Raise - Assigning blame creates a burden. 2. Contribution Encourages Learning and Change 3. Ask questions, explore issues, and understand the role each participant plays.

Bimodal model of divorce

1. Early Divorce - first 7 years: - Attack & Defend/Stonewall (Demand=Withdraw) 2. Later Divorce: Suppression & Avoidance; emotional disengagement

Comments/additional information about Gottman's ideas

1. Gottman challenges "accepted truths" - in relationship work, some traditionally accepted truths are not supported by Gottman's research: -Active listening is useful to learn but of course not the be-all/end-all to accomplish empathy. -Romance and hopes should not be cast aside as merely wishful thinking "A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship" "people who stayed married...kind of like each other.."-Gottman on Marriage -

Characteristics of happy marriages

1. Happier couples have access to a sense of humor even in conflict 2. Have 5:1 Positive to Negative Moments - 3. Happy couples do more happy things together. 4. Events-of-the-day conversations are important.

Gottman: Signs that predict your divorce

1. Harsh start-up; when a discussion leads off with criticism and sarcasm, which is a form of contempt- it has begun with a "harsh start-up" 2. The Four Horsemen; a. Criticism; is global & expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality (complaint; soft start-ups) b. Contempt; arise from a sense of superiority over one's partner; a form of disrespect; sarcasm cynicism - types of contempt > disgust later c. Defensiveness; a way of blaming your partner; "innocent victim" stance d. Stonewalling 3. Flooding; people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding; when your spouse's negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked; you feel defenseless - Feeling overwhelmed both emotionally and physically - More likely to feel thoughts of righteous indignation - More likely to feel thoughts of innocent victimhood - Bodily distress: pounding heart, sweat, holding breath Therefore, the listener cannot detect... the other's repair attempt. 4. Body language; physiological reading; heart rate, sweating 5. Failed repair attempts; which saves marriage, can prevent flooding; failed repair attempt, couples try more; but not helpful at all. 6. Bad Memories; couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past

Three Misconceptions About Contribution

1. I Should Focus Only on My Contribution 2. Putting Aside Blame Means Putting Aside My Feelings 3. Exploring Contribution Means "Blaming the Victim"

UNEXPRESSED FEELINGS CAN

1. Leak into the conversation -Studies have shown that most people can determine when someone is distorting, manufacturing, or withholding an emotion -If clogged, your "emotional pipes" will leak -Unexpressed feelings may create so much tension that you disengage. 2. Make it difficult to listen -People have a hard time listening because they don't know how to express themselves well -Good listening requires an open and honest curiosity and a willingness to keep the spotlight on them -Our listening ability often increases remarkably once we have expressed our own strong feelings 3. Take a toll on our self-esteem and relationships - May wonder why you didn't stick up for yourself - You deprive your colleagues, friends and family members of the opportunity to learn and to change in response your feelings - By keeping your feelings out of the relationship, you are keeping an important part of yourself out of the relationship

[Week 6 Readings] Six conflict styles and their characteristics

1. competitive fighting : direct and uncooperative. has been called direct fighting, distributive, dominating, controlling and contentious. people with a competing style try to control the interaction so they have more power than their partner. They attempt to achieve a win-lose situation, wherein they win and their partner loses. several tactics: confrontational remarks, accusations, personal criticisms, threats, name-calling, blaming the partner, sarcasm, and hostile jokes. 2. compromising : direct and moderately cooperative. it involves searching for a fair, intermediate position that satisfies some of both partners' needs.. People need to give something up to reach a solution that will meet at least some of their goals. Thus, it usually leads to a part-win-part-lose situation. 3. collaborating : direct and cooperative. it has been called integrating, solution oriented, problem solving and negotiation. The collaborating style focuses on cooperative problem solving that helps people find creative solutions that satisfy both partners' needs and lead to a win-win situation. 4. indirect fighting : indirect and uncooperative. called passive aggression and active distancing an are related to patterns of negative withdrawal. ex) failing to acknowledge or validate the partner's concerns, ignoring the partner, holding a grudge 5. avoiding : an indirect style of conflict that is regarded as somewhat neutral in terms of how cooperative versus uncooperative it is. called inaction and non-confrontation. people refrain from arguing and refuse to confront their partners in any meaningful way. ex) roommates are frequently using this tactic. 6. yielding : cooperative and indirect. people forgo their own goals and desires in consideration of the partner. labeled obliging and accommodating. this type of response is adequate and comfortable; it does not cause further disagreement and trivializes conflict, making effective conflict management difficult. ex) the chilling effect - to avoid voicing their opinions and complaints when they feel powerless or fear that their partner will act aggressively toward them

[Week 7 Readings] six principles of power

1. power as a perception - people can use powerful communication, but if others don't perceive or accept their power, their behavior is not dominant. 2. power as a relational concept - one individual cannot be dominant without someone else being submissive. 3. power as resource based - power usually represents a struggle over resources; scarce and valued resources create more intense and protracted power struggles. 4. power as having less to lose - the person with less to lose has greater power. (people who are dependent on their relationship or partner are less powerful) 5. power as enabling or disabling - part of the human spirit that infuses us with agency and potency and helps us achieve success. 6. Power as a prerogative (a right or privilege exclusive to a particular individual or clas) - the partner with more power can make and break the rules (powerful people can violate norms, break relational rules and manage interactions without as much cost as less powerful people)

Rejection , and the research on the subject that was discussed in class

1. rejection piggbacks on physical pain pathways in the brain.- fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we exprience rejection as when we experience physical pain. 2. we can relive and re- experience social pain more vividly than we can physical pain. 3. rejection destabilizes our "need to belong". 4. rejection creates surges of anger and aggression. ex) school shootings, violence against women, and fired workers going "postal" are examples of the strong link between rejection and aggression. 5. Rejection can damage self-esteem. 6. Rejection temporarily lowers our ability to think clearly and even our IQ performance. 7. Rejection does not respond to reason. 8. There are ways to treat the psychological wounds rejection inflicts.

Gottman: Two types of marital conflict

ALL marital conflicts fall into one of two categories: * 1. Conflicts that are perpetual* 1) 69% of marital conflicts fall into this category 2) Married couples in Gottman's Love Lab: ¤ During their four-year follow-ups, Gottman finds that couples are arguing about the same things they were arguing about four years ago. ¨ 2. Conflicts that can be resolved ¤ Once you are able to identify and define your disagreements according to these two categories, you will be able to customize your coping strategy

Expressing emotions

DON'T VENT: DESCRIBE FEELINGS CAREFULLY (p. 102) • After negotiating with your feelings, you face the task of deciding how to handle those feelings • Too often we confuse being emotional with expressing emotions clearly • You can express emotion without being emotional, and you can be extremely emotional without expressing anything • 3 guidelines for expressing your feelings that help ease anxiety and make an effective conversation more likely (1) *frame feelings back into the problem* • Remember that feelings are important • Your feelings need not be rational to be expressed • Your purpose is simply to get them out • You can decide what to do about them later (2) *express the full spectrum of your feelings* • By putting the broader spectrum of feelings into a conversation, you bring depth and complexity • Expressing all aspects of your feelings will lead to greater understanding and engagement • Will also point the way toward different patterns of interacting that are more mutually supportive (3) don't evaluate - just share • Premature evaluation of whether feelings are legitimate will undermine their expression • To establish an evaluation-free zone... - Share pure feelings (without judgments, attributions, or blame) - Save problem-solving until later - Don't monopolize, both sides can have strong feelings at the same time • Try saying "I feel..." - These words have powerful effect on your listener - It keeps the focus on feelings and makes clear that you are speaking only from your perspective - Avoids judging or accusing

Dyadic stress and dyadic coping

Dyadic stress - the way each partner is affected by the stressful event (i.e. directly or indirectly) - the origin of stress (i.e. whether it originates from inside or outside of the couple) - the time sequence (at what moment in the coping process each partner becomes involved) Dyadic coping * Positive - supportive - common - delegated * Negative - hostile - ambivalent - superficial

How to solve this conflict?

Move From Certainty to Curiosity A. Curiosity: the way into their story - What's your story?. The process by which we construct out stories about the world often happens so fast and so automatically that we are not even aware of all the things that influence our views B. EMBRACE BOTH STORIES: ADOPT THE "AND STANCE" -Who is right? - the answer is that the question makes no sense. Don't choose between the stories -> embrace both (the 'And Stance') - THE "PILLOW METHOD" VIDEO (COMMUNICATION SCENARIOS FOR CRITIQUE) C. TO MOVE FORWARD, FIRST UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE. • First Step: Understanding by imagining yourself into the other person's story. • Coming to understand the other person, and yourself more deeply doesn't mean that differences will disappear or that you won't have to solve real problems and make real choices. It will be an important first step.

Overlooked Contributions

One of These is Intersections (p. 72) Intersections result from a simple difference between people in background, preferences, communication style, or assumptions about relationships (remember concept of lenses)

Coping with stress

Positive Coping Styles (ABC Approach) • A = Remove Activating Event • B = Change Beliefs • C = Constructive Reaction

The benefits of stress

STRESS CAN BE USEFUL --- ACUTE STRESS CAN BOOST CARDIOVASCLAR PERFORMANCE --ENERGIZING, MOTIVATING, ETC. E.G., URBAN LEGENDS OF MOTHERS LIFTING CARS TO SAVE BABIES E.G., PHYSIOLOGICALLY, MANY OF THE SAME MECHANISMS THAT CAUSE YO TO SHRINK IN HORROR FROM PREDATOR, RUN AWAY OR FIGHT THAT TIGER ARE ALSO USED WHEN YOU ARE HAVING SEX OR CONSUMING THANKSGIVING DINNER - AN AROUSED PHYSIOLOGICAL STATE IS CHARACTERISTIC OF BOTH STRESS AND PLEASURE

Three Possible Reasons for The Actor/Observer Difference: 2) Figure/Ground Perception

Second reason for the actor/observe difference is perceptual salience: the actor focuses more on the situations (since they are looking "outward" to the situation around them) while the observer focuses more on the actors (who is the salient feature of his perceptual field as he is looking at him).

Third Reason For Actor-Observer Difference: 3) Motivational for negative outcomes

Self-Serving Attributions -- maintain one's self esteem and sense of "just world" for possible uncontrollable negative events.

Learned helplessness and related research and parallels with reactive depression

Seligman and learned helplessness [experiment part 1] ì Inescapable shock. ì Got shock. ì No coping mechanism. ì No way to terminate shock. ì "Initially stressed then passive ì Escapable shock. ì Had coping mechanism. ì Press nose button to terminate shock. ì "Active"

stress spillover

Stress -> lower relationship satisfaction Stress -> negative emotions during problem-solving interactions Stress -> women become angrier with partner Stress -> husbands withdraw from partner at home Daily Diary study of air traffic controllers' stress at work and home life Repetti (1989) (our response to one event spills over and influences our response to another.)

Fundamental Unit of Intimacy

The "BID" & the "TURN." • Turning: Toward, Away, Against (i.e., Positive, Avoid, Attack) ©Playful bids & enthusiastic turning are useful as they help access sense of humor, & repair following conflict. ©96% of bids are responded to by positive couples ©Bids & turning are the basis of good sex, romance, & passion in the marriage. © "From the mundane moments, come the profound connection." © A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch - any single expression that says "I want to feel connected to you."

Three Reasons for The Actor/Observer Difference 1) Informational Basis

The actor/observer difference also occurs because actors have more information about themselves across different situations and often see the other person in only one or a limited number of situations.

Gottman: Solve your solvable problems

This principle involves tackling solvable problems by offering an alternative approach to conflict resolution so that disagreements can be productive rather than disastrous. 1. Soften your startup 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts 3. Soothe yourself and each other 4. Compromise 5. Be tolerant of each other's faults [why is it important to focus on solvable problems?] 1. Solvable problems can cause a lot of pain in a relationship if the couple does not learn effective techniques for conquering them 2. The techniques that a couple learns to use to address solvable problems can be used to address all types of marital conflict 3. Marriages often end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, partners distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost

When stress brings couples together

Though stressors are often viewed as harmful to relationship functioning, it is important to recognize that challenging events and circumstances can provide couples with opportunities to learn about untapped potential in their relationship and to deepen their commitment and intimacy (Story & Bradbury, 2004) Hurricane Hugo; South Carolina, 1989 Increases in marriage, childbirth, and divorce in counties affected by hurricane ABC-X Model (Hill, 1949): impact of crisis depends on resources available and the kind of coping that occurs Stress is too great for resources/coping ability -> stress leads to relationship deterioration Stress for couples with resources/coping ability -> stress can lead to relationship growth, resilience Effective problem-solving skills Effective problem-solvers who experience stress early in the marriage go on to have more satisfying relationships 18 months later (Cohan & Bradbury, 1997) Couples with good problem-solving and social support experience better outcomes in samples where one partner has cancer (Halford, Scott, & Smythe, 2000)

ATTRIBUTIONS AND ACHIEVEMENT

Three Dimensions (1) Global vs Specific: - I'm no good. (global) - I'm no good at math. (specific) (2) Stable vs Unstable: - I've always been uncoordinated. (stable) - I just wasn't paying attention. (unstable) (3) Internal vs External: - I'm terrible at multiple choice tests. (internal) - Those questions were really tricky. (external) Optimistic vs. Pessimistic Style • Optimistic: external, unstable, specific • Pessimistic: internal, stable, global

The Blame Game

We are quick to blame others - "You brought the wrong PowerPoint!" • Blaming others prevents us from understanding the cause of the problem and taking the rights steps to resolve it • We're caught in blame's web • Instead, focus on *contribution* to avoid blame's web.

Reliving physical pain and psychological social pain

We can relive and re-experience social pain more vividly than we can physical pain. =Try recalling an experience in which you felt significant physical pain and your brain pathways will respond, "Meh." In other words, that memory alone won't elicit physical pain. But try reliving a painful rejection (actually, don't—just take my word for it), and you will be flooded with many of the same feelings you had at the time (and your brain will respond much as it did at the time, too). Our brain prioritizes rejection experiences because we are social animals who live in "tribes."

Strategies to cope with feelings

[ FINDING YOUR FEELINGS: LEARN WHERE FEELINGS HIDE (p. 91)] *FIND THE FEELINGS LURKING UNDER ATTRIBUTIONS, JUDGMENTS, AND ACCUSATIONS* • Attributions, judgments, and accusations are not feelings • Lift the lid on attributions and judgments -Making attributions can lead to defensiveness and misunderstandings -Attributions are so consuming that we fail to see the real feelings that are motivating them [DON'T TREAT FEELINGS AS GOSPEL: NEGOTIATE WITH THEM (p. 99)] • Try to get everything you are feeling into the conversation • But, before saying what you are feeling, negotiate with your feelings • Our feelings are based on our perceptions and our perceptions are negotiable • The route to changing your feelings is through altering your thinking • Almost always, an increased awareness of the other person's story changes how we feel

Gottman: Overcome gridlock

[Getting out of Gridlock] * Gottman states that "unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict" * No matter how entrenched you are in gridlock, you can get out of it with a motivation and a willingness to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock. * The endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between you and your partner. a) You need to address this difference before you can put the problem in its place. * So...uncover and share your personal dreams with your partner!

Obstracism, including how people react, who is most likely to be ostracized, how ostracism feels, long term consequences and the theory of ostracism and related research.

[Reactions to Ostracism] 1. Increased stress 2. Attempts to improve inclusionary status 3. Heightened aggression [Who Is Most at Risk of Being a Social Outcast?] ❚ Deficiency in one or more areas ❚ Low self-esteem ❚ High sensitivity to rejection ❚ Insensitivity to rejection ❚ Family problems / Parental rejection ❚ Person-group dissimilarity - aggression - shyness - low achievers - inattention and/or hyperactivity [how ostracism feels] ❚ 2-week event contingent diary study ❚ Experiencing an episode of ostracism resulted in: ❙ lower levels of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence ❙ higher levels of anger and sadness ❚ Strong effect with strangers, but even stronger with significant others [Long Term Consequences] ❚ Loneliness ❚ Social isolation ❚ Cardiovascular disease ❚ Immune system problems ❚ Increase in blood pressure ❚ Mortality ❚ Psychiatric problems [Theory of Ostracism] -refer to the image -Stage 3: Responses that are affiliative and socially acceptable ex) ❙ Attend more to social information ❙ Can accurately distinguish Duchenne smiles (smiling with the eyes) ❙ Work harder on collective task than on coactive task ❙ Conform more ❙ Like new welcoming groups, even unusual ones...(cults?) ❙ Mimic a good organizational citizen ❙ Non-consciously mimic, especially with ingroup members ❙ Comply more ❙ Seek approval more ❙ Spot smiling faces faster and attended to them longer ❙ Correct their behaviors -time-out'. Stage 3: Responses that assert control, are aggressive, and demand recognition. ❙ Causes self-defeating behavior ❙ Decreases pro-social behaviors ❙ Increases anti-social behaviors ❙ "Precipitated" 13/15 incidents of US School shootings ❙ Generalized aggression against similar group members to those who did ostracism ~ mass violence ❙ Leads to differential endorsement of outgroup dislike and adherence to radical/violent fundamentalist options

Gottman: Let your partner influence you

[Why husbands should learn from their wives women ] ¤ Have more "people skills" ¤ Are more emotionally intelligent than their husbands. ** This is because... ¤ They've had an enormous head start in acquiring these skills. - Girlish games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships. - Their play emphasizes social interactions and feelings, so girls undergo an extensive education into emotional by childhoods' end. * Difference is heightened by the fact that as they get older, boys rarely play with girls, so they miss the chance to learn from them. This new type of husband and father leads to a meaningful and rich life. Having a happy family base makes it possible for him to work effectively. •When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self- destruct. •The husband will not have much honor and respect. •Ultimately, no one will care much about him when he lives nor mourn him when he dies.

Communication blocks

[anger and communication blocks] -anger occurs when needs (expectations ) are not met. if anger is allowed to build, emotions can get out of control and rule your discussion. That's when you hit the communication blocks. The blocks create a wall between you and your partner so problems don't get solved and needs/wants go unfulfilled. 1. arguing/withdrawing 2. blaming and accusing 3. not listening (one of the biggest problem) 4. changing subjects (bouncing from problem to problem doesn't allow you to focus and resolve any of them)

The impacts of chronic stress

[what can happen with chronic activation of the stress response?] ì Don't store energy, Fatigue more rapidly ì Cardiovascular over-activity ì Repairs not made ì Growth inhibited ì Reproductive problems (cycle, sperm count, testosterone, interest) ì Immunodeficiency ì Cognitive impairments ì Psychological Stress Disorders - unable to adjust to: - Catastrophic events -> acute stress disorder, PTSD - life stressors -> adjustment disorder ì Psychological Factors affecting a Medical Condition - Chronic or repeated psychological stressors can potentially make you sick or increase your risk of getting a disease that can make you sick.

[Week 6] Attribution Theory

a description of the way in which people explain the causes of their own and other people's behavior. Elaboration on Theory: Two key premises (1) People interpret behavior in terms of its causes (2) These causal explanations affect reactions (beliefs and behavior) (3) People have characteristics attributional styles A COMMON FEATURE OF CONFLICTS IS THAT EACH SIDE BELIEVES THAT THE OTHER IS TO BLAME (E.G. COUPLES COMING TO THERAPY EACH WANT THE OTHER "FIXED.") UNDERSTANDING THIS COMMON CHARACTERISTIC MAY BE AIDED BY ATTRIBUTION THEORY Three key propositions: - People choose conflict resolution strategies based on the attributions they make regarding the cause of the conflict. - Biases in the process tend to encourage non-cooperative modes of conflict. - The choice of conflict strategies influences the likelihood of conflict resolution and the degree of satisfaction with the relationship.

channel switching

a study of Scissors and Gergle (2013) found that conflicts that start within a mediated channel (such as texting) often continue face to face, sometimes face-to-face conflict is abandoned in favor of discussing the issue via a mediated channel, and other times people go back and forth between channels. ex) the topic could come up while texting, be discussed further face to face, and then revisited and finally resolved with an exchange of text messages. 4 motivations for switching channels during the conflict: 1. to avoid conflict escalation 2. to manage emotion 3. to adjust to partner preferences 4. to resolve the conflict these motivations suggest that channel switching can be very useful for managing conflict.

[Week 7 Lecture] Feelings including strategies for coping with feelings and what unexpressed feelings can do.

a. FEELINGS MATTER: THEY ARE OFTEN AT THE HEART OF DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS • Feelings are part of what makes good relationships so rich and satisfying • They let us know that we are fully alive • Managing feelings can be challenging • The inability to deal with feelings can undermine the health of relationship • No matter how skillfully we can negotiate, the outcome will not leave us feeling satisfied unless we talk about feelings. • FEELINGS CAN BE ENORMOUSLY CHALLENGING

A more "accessible version" from a book titled Difficult Conversation Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently. 3. our conclusions reflect self interest

a. people develop self-serving perception without realizing it. b. the tendency to develop unconsciously biased perceptions is very human.

Reuben Hill's ABC-X Model,

chronic and acute aspects of the context may also interact to affect relationships; the presence or absence of resources (a chronic condition of a family's environment) shapes the way families respond to the acute events they experience. Variables B and C determine whether the stressor event (A) results in crisis. The ABC-X model has been refined through the inclusion of additional factors such as a family's social context and further developed into the double ABC-X model by subsequent research

Lavner and Bradbury 's observations about CBT, and about improving communication

couple's communication behavior - interactions that involve expressing and listening to each partner's thoughts and emotions as well as seeking possible solutions to specific problems (1. everyday communication 2. particular decisions or concerns) positive communication - directly expressing feelings, compromising, paraphrasing, and accepting responsibility. how poor communication is indeed associated with significant distress and, given how all relationship issues are channeled through communication, indicating that improving couple's communication is likely to be a critical first step toward improving couple's relationships. Improving communication can enhance relationships even if communication deficits do not cause relationship dysfunction. 1) Guided by social exchange theory (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959), early approaches argued that happy marriages could be distinguished from unhappy marriages by the ratio of positives to negatives in the relationship (early models emphasized how this negative behavior was reciprocated among partners, contributing to further distress ) (couple discussions over a range of topics) This back-and-forth sequence of one person speaking and the other listening is referred to as a "communication cycle". (decision-making conversation) Discussions that did not go well can then be re-attempted in session under the therapist's guidance. *couple's interactional pattern * decide how these particular guidelines and interventions paly out for a particular couple. a couple characterized by *mutual withdrawal* may need particular help and encouragement feeling comfortable expressing different viewpoints. cognitive behavioral approaches also emphasize the *content* of couples' communication, or *what* the key issues and themes in the relationship are.

Global variations in gender equality

cultures have many different philosophies about power. [The scandinavian countries of Northern Europe] people have similar levels of power, and there is little difference between the status of men and women [The most gender equal countries] Sweden, Norway,the Netherlands, Denmark, and Finland. [German] more sensitive to differences in people's status than Americans or Arabs [Other countries] display more power distance it is important to select romantic partners with similar values about gender equality or to negotiate differences early in a relationship.

emotions, including emotions across cultures, the evolution of emotions, functions and components of emotions.

emotions - what we feel and why limbic brain How do we experience emotions? various sources of data converge to indicate that emotions that emotions are biologically inherited and universal characteristics of humans. 1. emotions appear early in life. (6+/-1 yr) ;happiness, anger, interest, disgust, surprise, sadness, fear 2. data regarding expression of emotions ;facial expressions in congenitally blind for basic emotions same as for not blind people. 3. cross-cultural consistency ; same emotions found across cultures (e.g. Stimuli shown to Westerns of people who never had contact. Also, when Western expressions shown to those who never exposed to west :This person is just now looking at something new and unexpected" - people around the world recognize it and make it in response to appropriate stimuli - variety in what people find disgusting because there is variability in what is harmful - sensitive to reactions of others (universality of facial expressions) 4. similar expression of some emotions in other primates 5. Brain imaging shows universally of activation of certain regions for virtually all people: amygdala activation. [function] consider function of emotions as basis for motivation. [the evolution of emotion] why did emotions evolve ? - adaptive problem - evolved response to adaptive problem - motivates change in behavior [3 components of emotions] - physiological arousal - expressive behavior - cognitive appraisal [examples of emotions] - digust : (adaptive problem) toxins and parasites , (evolved mechanism) experience disgust, (behavior) avoid toxins and parasites - fear - happiness - sadness - guilt - shame: (adaptive problem) remaining in social group after violating social norm or dominance hierarchy, (evolved mechanims) shame, (behavior) showed deference; redeem self, deter aggression. - love - contempt - anger : (adaptive problem) others threaten you, (evolved mechanism)anger, (behavior) confront/ punish.

Gottman: Forgive yourself

if you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws a) your personal spiritual beliefs b) expressions of thanksgiving and praise

demand-withdraw in different countries

it s a common pattern of conflict interaction around the world. people from Australia, Brazil, Italy, Pakistan, Taiwan, and the United States all report being less satisfied and more distressed within their relationships if their conflict is characterized by the demand-withdraw pattern. in contrast, across different countries couples who report using constructive conflict patterns that include compromising and collaborating report high levels of relational satisfaction. some differences between cultures. 1. Brazilians reported higher levels of demand-withdraw than did people from Italy, Taiwan, and the United States. 2. Compared to U.S wives, Pakistani wives tend to be less assertive when demanding change. (Pakistani husbands are more likely to be involved in demand and their wives are more likely to be withdrawl, which is the opposite to that found in from Unitied States ) why? a. the difference in power structure in some country than others, with women less likely to be aggressive and more likely to withdraw in non-equalitarian cultures where men have considerably more power than women. (gender role may outweigh other factors to determine who is more demanding vs. withdrawing)

the disillusionment model

it suggests that distress and divorce are rooted in the erosion of spouses' feelings of love and the waning of their affection, as well as in the emergence of ambivalent feelings about their marriage. it focuses on the importance of change early in the marriage, with the former concentrating on the loss of romance and illusion, and the latter on increases in negative behavior. Disllusionment foreshadows divorce.

nonverbal positions of power

nonverbal communication is an even richer source of power messages (1) physical appearance - people make judgments about power from other's physical appreance (2) spatial behavior (=proxemics, reveals how te use of space reflects and creates power) ex. invading someone's space and getting in someone's face are powerful, intimidating behaviors. (3) eye behavior (numerous power behaviors, including staring, gazing while speaking, and failing to look when listening) (4) body movements (expansive body positions with arms and legs apart and away from the body and the hands-on-hips positions convey power and dominance) (5) touch - while touch is usually an affectionate, intimate behavior, it can be used to display one's power. (6) the voice - voice tones and intonations are in the realm of non-verbal communication (vocalics/paralinguistics) (7) time - the way people employ time tells a lot about how powerful and dominant they are. (8) artifacts- having a big house, luxury cars, and expensive toys are signs of power.

Power in families

parents sometimes have more knowledge than their children, and one spouse sometimes has more financial resources than the other. some of the main power issues that surface 1. in parent-child relationship, 2 in romantic relationships, and 3. in marriages 1 . in parent-child relationships : a. at the beginning, when parents are raising infants and very young children, b. during the teenage years, when children assert their independence. 3 general approaches to parenting (1) authoritarian-demanding (2) permissive-passive (3) authoritative-explaining and reasoning (the inductive philosophy of parenting- more effective) 2 styles of parenting : (1) power assertion (2) induction traditonal vs. egalitarian marriages: peer relationships characterized by respect and relative equality are healthier, more satisfying, and more likely to succeed.

the enduring dynamics model

presumes that relationship patterns take from dring courtship and persist into mariage. This model presumes that courtship patterns foreshadow marital patterns-- that the good courtship presages the good marriage. The model suggests that the path to the alter is not a journey fueled by idealization and romance. Rather, couples marry with their eyes open to each other's and the relationship's strengths and weaknesses. the characteristics that initially differentiated the couples remained stable over the first 2 years of marriage, and foreshadowed later marital happiness.

[Week 8 lecture] Stress and Couple functioning- The importance of resources

resources make relationships easier -resource: source of support outside the couple and contributes to their ability to interact effectively * close extended family, satisfactory income, safe neighborhood - provide partners with the flexibility to devote time to each other - good income and safe neighborhood are associated with stronger relationships because couples who do not have to worry about their security can spend more time and energy supporting each other.

Power and the digital divide

the digital devide, although decreasing, divides our society into technological "haves" and "have-nots". [internet use] this divide has decreased but, the status differences etween those on the two sdes of the digital divide are apparent when looking at internet use as a function of education and income. ( lower SES people were less likely to report using the intenet than those with higher incomes and more education) [cell-phones] more expensive,powerful phones are reserved for those wo are more educated and have higher incomes. [countries] people on the unconnected side of the digital divide have less access to information, economic trends, or high tech jobs and are often reconciled to low paid and increasingly obsolete occupations with little job mobility and lower personal or plitical power. [Good side] the digital divide is decreasing, partially because people have a diverse array of devices beyond a desktop computer)

Yerkes-Dodson Law

the psychological principle stating that performance is best under conditions of moderate arousal rather than either low or high arousal.

The Fundamental Attribution Error:

the tendency to overestimate the extent to which a person's behavior is due to internal, dispositional factors and to underestimate the role of situational factors. The *actor/observer difference* is the greater tendency to commit the fundamental attribution error when explaining other people's behaviors, i.e. see other people's behavior as dispositionally caused, while focusing more on the role of situational factors when explaining one's own behavior.

Verbal Power Ploys

traditionally, power and persuasion have been thought of as verbal activities (combination of verbal cues and non-verbal cues) (1) verbal influence strategies (compliance-gaining strategies/ influence strategies) : people have evolved to enable people to have better personal control and social positioning. (2) Direct requests (an obvious interpersonal influence = the simple request) (3) Bargaining (agreeing to do something for someone if the person does something in return= pregiving) (4) Aversive stimulation (= negative affect strategy, involving whining, sulkin complaining, crying, or acting angry to get one's way, hoping the receiver will eventually comply just to stop the aversive behavior) (5) Ingratiation (=positive affect, excessive kindness t get one's way) (6) hinting (=indirect request, involves implying a request without ever coming out and stating one) (7) moral appeals (= positive altercasting and negative altercasting-- a good or moral person would comply with the request / only ba or immoral people would fail to comply (8) manipulation (= a set of strategies used to get one's way by making the partner feel guilty, ashamed,or jealous) (9) withdrawal (= distancing, avoidance, passive aggression) (10) deception (compliance-gaining strategy = people make false promises when they have no intention of keeping them) (11) distributive communication (=antagonistic strategies, people attempt to blame, hurt, insult, or berate their partner in an effort to gain compliance) (12) threats (=faking a breakup, failing to cooperate with a partner until the partner gives in, or threatening to withhold resources ineffective) (13) relational control moves : one-ups (deferent or accepting) and one-downs (neutral) (14) powerful and powerless speech : when speakers focus mainly on themselves, dominate conversations, redirect the conversation away from topics others are discussing, and interrupt.

interpersonal influence goals

we are tying to influence people's attitudes or change their behavior. other times, we try to resist such influence 7 categories (1)making lifestyle changes - the most frequent, some of the most important-- influence attempts in close relationships involve the desire to change the behavior patterns of a partner. (2) gaining assistance - a more routine but importnat kind of influence attempt . (3) sharing activities - to share time and space (4) initiating sexual activity - the principle of least interest means that the person who desires sex the most will have the least power and the person who can take it or leave it has the most power. (5) changing political attitudes - convincing someone to take stands, support causes, or join movements are acts of political persuasion. (6) Giving health advice- to help partners improve their mental or physical health (7) changing relationships - a common form of influence among close friends.

Attributions and Conflict

• The judgments we make about others determine how we deal with them in conflict. • Our attributions are a part of our ongoing perception process. • Attributions are subject to common perception biases that increase the chance of conflict and blame.

2. We have different interpretations

• we are influenced by past experiences. • we apply different implicit rules.

A more "accessible version" from a book titled Difficult Conversation Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently 1. We have different information

• we notice different things • we each know ourselves better than anyone else • we have relatively a lot of "background information" on our motivations, reasoning, etc. not available to other person

The early marital roots of conjugal distress and divorce

we explore three models : 1) emergent distress, 2) enduring dynamics, 3) disillusionment -- designed to explain why some marriages thrive and others fail. *the dominant paradigm*, the emergent-distress model, sees newlyweds as disagreements and negativity escalate, ultimately leading some couples to divorce. (the primary support for this model is rooted in research documenting the deleterious effects of negativity on marriage) = problems surface early in marriage, erode satisfaction, and lead some couples to divorce. The result we summarize run counter to this model and suggest instead that (a) newlyweds differ significantly in the intensity of both their romance and the negativity of their behavior toward one another, and for those who remained married, these early dynamics persist over time. (b) for couples who divorce, romance seems to deteriorate differently depending on how long the marriage lasts. Soon after the wedding, early exiters seem to lost hope of improving an unpromising relationship ; delayed action divorcers' begin marrage on a particularly high note , yet quickly show signs of disillusionment. These delayed-action divorces reluntantly give up on the marriage long after the romance has faded.

Automatic thoughts, and how to cope with them

your feelings are triggered by your thoughts. They pop into your head without effort. ex) he is so selfish, he only thinks of himself - these are examples of negative automatic thoughts. - you are more likely to be aware of the feelings and the thoughts produced. (the automatic thoughts that produced those feelings may be unreasonable or inaccurate) if one wants to improve the relationship, it might be help one to examine one's automatic thoughts when one gets angry. [do this] 1. identify your feelings 2. identify the automatic thoughts responsible for those feelings. Write them down, if necessary. Look for evidence to support your thoughts and evidence which contradicts your thoughts 3. Think of alternative explanations that may also explain the situation 4. Establish reasonable expectations. [don't] 1. drawing conclusions about your partner's thoughts or motives without checking them out (mind reading #1) 2. expecting your partner to know what you want without telling them (mind reading #2) 3. Holding onto unrealistic expectations or perfectionist beliefs that few, if anyone, can meet (perfectionism) 4. Drawing a conclusion without considering alternative explainations (jumping to conclusions)

Seligman and learned helplessness [experiment part 2]

ì All groups received the same condition: escapable shock. ì Put in shuttle box. ì Light dimmed. ì 10 second later got shock unless they jumped to safe side. [summary] - Dogs in the escapable shock quickly learned to jump to safe side. No enduring stress reaction but learned to cope. - Dogs in inescapable shock did not jump to the safe side. Agitated at first but later laid down and took the shock. - Dogs in inescapable shock group learned helplessness.

Stages in Person Perception and Attribution

• Attention Stage - We attend to someone's appearance, behavior, or the context. • Snap Judgment Stage - We categorize or classify that person. • Causal Inference Stage - We make attributions to explain specific behavior. • Impression Formation Stage - We form general idea of the person's character. • Prediction Stage - We predict how the person will behave in similar situations.

Blame

• Blame is about judging • Blame looks backwards • Blame implies punishing the other. Illustration of Focusing on Blame.

Instead, focus on *contribution* to avoid blame's web

• Contribution is about understanding • Contribution looks forwards • Contribution is joint and interactive with the other.

LeDoux's model

• EMOTIONS ARE PART OF OUR FUNDAMENTAL EVOLVED NATURE AND THEY ARE ALWAYS "INVOLVED" -- SO CAN'T IGNORE • THEY WERE ESSENTIAL TO OUR SURVIVAL AND REPRODUCTION -- STILL ADAPTIVE IN SIMILAR CONTEXTS AS IN EEA BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN TODAY'S ENVIRONMENTS (STILL, YOU HAVE TO "DEAL" WITH THEM) • EMOTIONS ARE HEURISTICS TO ACT QUICKLY - RESPOND QUICKLY UNTIL YOU CAN GATHER MORE INFORMATION.

Emotional footprint

• Each of us develops an "emotional footprint" • It is unique and determined by which feelings we believe are okay to have and which are not • Exploring contours of your footprint can be extremely helpful in raising your awareness of what you are feeling and why. • Accept that certain feelings are normal and natural (e.g., jealousy) • Recognize that good people can have bad feelings - Assumption: "Good people don't get angry at people they love, they don't cry..." • Learn that your feelings are as important as theirs - Assumption: "Other people's feelings are more important than ours."

importance of acknowledgement of feelings

• Each side must have their feelings acknowledged before you can even start to solve problems • Acknowledgment means letting the other person know that what they have said made an impression on you and that you are working to understand them • Before moving on to problem-solving, you have the responsibility to ensure that they appreciate the importance of this topic to you; that they truly understand your feelings

[Week9 Lecture] Healthy marriages and their benefits

• In adults, healthy marriages promote: − Greater mental health − Better physical health − Higher social and work functioning − Lower levels of general distress • In children, healthy marriages promote: − Academic achievement − Psychological adjustment − Social relationships • The research into marital happiness discussed; Lavner et al 4 studies on marital satisfaction and outcomes, methodology, and findings, importance of analyses of sub-groups • Typical progression of the three "types" of love

Attribution Theory and Conflict

• People attribute negative effects of conflict to partners • The fundamental attribution error heightens conflict by encouraging people to see others' behavior as planned.

WE TRY TO FRAME FEELINGS OUT OF THE PROBLEM

• Solving problems seems easier than talking about emotions • Framing feelings out of the problem is one way we cope with the dilemma • When we lay our feelings on the table, we run the risk of ruining relationships • When feelings are at the heart of what's going on, they ARE the business at hand and ignoring them is nearly impossible • Emotions find their way back into the conversation, usually in not very helpful

Social impact theory, and the useful insights it affords us

❚ According to Latané (1981), social influence depends on three factors: ❙ Strength: How important the influencing group of people is to you. ❙ Immediacy: How close the group are to you (in space and time) at the time of the influence attempt. ❙ Number: How many people there are in the group. ❚ Social forces influence people the same way as light bulbs shine on a surface. The total amount of light cast on a surface depends on: ❚ Strength of the bulbs ❚ Their distance of the bulbs from the surface ❚ The number of bulbs ❚ Impact takes the form of a power function in which the marginal effect of the Nth other person is less than that of the (N- 1)th person. ❚ Thus, increasing the numbers has a decreasing incremental effect (e.g., going from 2 to 3 has more effect than going from 66 to 67). In fact beyond 4 or 5, the effect tails off rapidly. ❚ The impact of social rejection on aggression should be diminished with acceptance from even one person, with each additional accepting person having less effect.

School shooters/violent crime

❚ Analysis of all school shootings (1995-2001) ❙ Experienced social rejection ❙ Interest in guns, bombs, or explosives ❙ Fascination with death ❙ Showed evidence of a psychological disorder ❚ 13/15 cases involved social rejection the perpetrators of violent crime and the victims of violent crime are more likely to be male than female. (3 times more likely to be killed, 8 times more likely to commit homicide ) for both vicitms and offenders, the rate per 100,000 peaks in the 18-24 year old age group. Ostracism and control deprivation lead to aggression.

Need to belong, evolutionary origins, and consequences

❚ Humans have a fundamental need to belong to social groups. ❚ Survival is more likely if we are included in a social group than if we are excluded. ❚ However, there is a long road to acceptance within the group. ❚ To live together, people usually need to agree on common beliefs, values, attitudes, and behaviors that reduce ingroup threats and act for the common good. ❚ Therefore, people learn to conform to their group's rules. ❚ The more we see others behaving in a certain way or making particular decisions, the more we feel obliged to follow suit. ❚ This happens even when we are in a group of complete strangers: we will go along with the others to avoid looking like a fool. ❚ Rejection thwarts(prevent) the need to belong.