Interpersonal Com

Dual Perspective

seeking to understand our own and another's perspective, beliefs, and thoughts - identify your perspective - suspend your perspective - avoid impressing your perspective - listen carefully to others - ask questions - work to understand the other

Indirect Physical Reaction

slam doors, walking out, hanging up, etc.

emotional intelligence

the ability to recognize feelings, determine which feelings are appropriate and to communicate them effectively

The Cycle of friendships

1. Role limited interaction - we meet! 2. Friendly relations - we talk! 3. Moving toward friendship - we self disclose! 4. Nascent friendship - we interact! 5. Stabilized friendship - we trust! 6. Waning friendship - we move on

Process of Perception

1. Selection 2. Organization 3. Interpretation

Competent Communicators

1. Self Awareness (self monitoring in a social situation) 2. Adaptability (modify according to setting) 3. Empathy (put into others shoes) 4. Cognitive Complexity (ability to consider reasons to understand their behavior) 5. Dual Perspective

Similarities to Verbal Com

1. Symbolic 2. Rule-guided 3. Intentional OR Unintentional 4. Reflects Culture

Checking your perceptions

- separate interpretation from facts - generate alternative perceptions - revise perceptions as necessary - recognize that perceptions are partial - avoid mind reading - check perceptions with others - distinguish between facts and inferences - guard against attribution errors - avoid egocentric perspectives - give people the benefit of the doubt

ineffective expressions of our emotions

- speaking in generalities - not owning up to our feelings - confusing i/you responsibility - counterfeit emotional intelligence

Interpretation

- the assigning of meaning and value to the stimuli we organized - be careful to avoid attribution errors

Obstacles to Friendship

- time - history - family scripts - willingness to take risks

overgeneralizing

"always and never" - lead to confusion

Direct Physical Reaction

- Negative Verbal Interaction (screaming and shouting) - Positive Verbal Interaction (talking / listening) - physically attacking one another

Basic expectations of friendship

- a willingness to invest (time, effort, thought, feelings) - emotional closeness (through dialogue - women; through doing - men) - acceptance of flaws and imperfections - trust; emotional reliability, dependable - support shown by verbal affirmation, listening, offering help, acceptance, availability, relating

Perception is NOT:

- always objective - fixed in time - consistent from person to person - formed in a vacuum

Why do perceptions differ?

- culture - physiology - past experiences/age - situational factors - primacy effect - recency effect - social role - profession - gender

Improving Verbal Communication

- engage in dual perspective - use inclusive language instead of exclusive language - strive for accuracy and clarity - recognize differences in meanings attributed to words - avoid language that could be deemed offensive by other speech communities

Five Love Languages

- gift giving - physical touch - words of affirmation - acts of service - quality time

Indicators of lying

- inconsistency in information presented - speech errors (ex: long pauses) - higher vocal pitch (possibly due to nerves) - eye behaviors (eye blinking and pupil dilation) - false or exaggerated smiles - minimal body movement (possibly an attempt to NOT fidget or pace)

Deception

- knowingly transmit false information - doing so intentionally - attempting to make the listener / receiver believe the false information

Conflict management skills

- listen mindfully - communicate supportively - take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and issues - check perceptions - look for points of agreement - seek ways to preserve the other face - discuss desired actions for future situations

Organization

- organize based on schemata (mental blueprints) _prototypes (the ideal) _stereotypes (predictive generalization) _scripts (the expectation) _personal constructs (mental yardstick)

The Nature of Friendships

- voluntary (unlike any other relationships bound by biology/ geography/ legality) - lacks institutional structure: normally there doesn't exist formal standards to guide the relationship nor is there a ceremony to mark the initiation when the relationship begins - basic expectations: often times unspoken (regardless of race, gender, age, etc.)

Selection

- we are constantly being exposed to thousands of stimuli, but we only pay attention to some - influenced by: what stands out, who we are, what is going on within us - selective exposure = tendency to expose ourselves to that which supports your beliefs

Symbolic Interaction Theory

- we gain an understanding of ourselves through our interactions with others - direct/indirect messages from others contribute to our own sense of identity

internal obstacles

.1 lack of effort 2. preoccupied 3. prejudment off what's going to be said 4. emotionally charged topic

Principles of Conflict

1. Conflict is natural in relationships (choice of how you handle conflict is what makes the relationship healthy) 2. Conflict may be overt or covert - overt expression = out in the open (calm discussion - positive; intense argument - neutral; physical attack - negative) - covert expression = expressing anger or differences indirectly through tactics such as "passive aggression"(acting aggressively while denying feelings or acting aggressive) or "game playing" (highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing) 3. Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors (cultural, gender, etc.) 4. Conflict can be managed well or poorly 5. Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

4 factors contributing to sense of self

1. Direct Definition (communication that tells us who we are by explicitly labeling us and our behaviors; what you are told about yourself; implies the feelings of enthusiasm directed toward your identity) 2. Reflected Appraisal (another person's appraisal or view of us; others in our lives serve as mirrors for ourselves) 3. Identity Scripts (implied rules about living and identity passed down from family roles and/or role models; formed by age 5) 4. Attachment Styles (patterns of care giving that teach us who we/others are and how to approach relationships; we can modify/ change attachment styles based on who we are in relationship with)

Guidelines for Effective Communication during Conflict

1. Focus on the overall communication system 2. time conflict purposefully 3. aim for win/win conflict resolution 4. Honor yourself, your partner, and the relationship 5. Show grace and practice forgiveness when appropriate

Martin Buber's Three Levels of Communication

1. I-It Communication (talk to/ treat people as if they are there to serve you; treat impersonally; fail to acknowledge humanity) 2. I-You Communication (talk to someone as a peer; more personal; acknowledge existence) 3. I-Thou Communication (talk to someone if you cherish/respect them; affirms and cherishes others; seek to know someone fully;don't worry about image and presentation; allow ourselves to be known fully; rarest form of communication) **more I-Thou relationships cause us to be more human

Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication

1. It is complex (involves 6 people communicating; language; symbols; non-verbals; interpretation; translation; perceptions; implications) 2. It is irreversible 3. It is inevitable 4. It involves rules (based on gender, age, location) 5. It is affected by culture 6. It is affected by power (ex: professor v. friends v. parents) 7. It is changing with technology 8. It can be learned

Types of Nonverbal Comm

1. Kinesics (body position, motion, posture, facial expressions, eyes, gestures) 2. Haptics (touching) 3. Physical Appearance 4. Artifacts (personal objects to announce identity) 5. Environmental factors 6. Proxemics 7. Chronemics (use of time) 8. Paralanguage (vocals, but notwords) 9. Technological Devices 10. Silence

Limitations of Language

1. Language is arbitrary (the meanings of words change over time) 2. Language is ambiguous (it is open to interpretation) 3. Language is abstract (the more we overgeneralize, the more potential for confusion exists)

Principles of Verbal Communication

1. Language is tied to our culture 2. The meanings of languages are subjective (context; tone; self esteem; past experience; seriousness of occassion; facial of speaker) 3. Language is rule guided 4. Language is affected by your speech community (who you spend time with that understand the goals/styles of communication in that group)

External obstacles to listening

1. Message overload 2. technological overload 3. complexity 4. noise

Unique to Nonverbal

1. Nonverbal is more believable 2. Multichanneled 3. Continuous

Dimensions of Romantic Relationships

1. Passion 2. Commitment (intention is to remain in relationship) - love is a feeling, commitment is a choice - passion happens without effort, commitment is an act of will - passion occurs in moments, commitment is tied to the future 3. Intimacy (feelings of connection, closeness, and tenderness) - passion and commitment = intimacy (strong feelings and joins partners together for the future)

Patterns in Perception

1. Perceptions are ethnocentric 2. We see what we want to see 3. Initial perceptions are difficult to change

emotions are influenced by:

1. Physiology (men v. women) 2. Perception 3. Social/Cultural

The Nature of Intimate Relationships

1. They require deep commitment. (emotional, social, legal/financial) 2. They foster interdependence (one person's behavior affects everyone in the relationship) 3. They require continuous investment 4. They speak dialectical tensions = conflicts between two important but opposing needs (autonomy v. connectedness; open v. closedness; predictability v. novelty)

Considerations

1. deception is a common component of politeness 2. Deception is much more common online 3. Deception can take place through exaggeration 4. Deception can take place through ambiguity or lack of clarity

7 things to consider regarding EIQ

1. emotions are basic to human beings 2. emotions play a vital role in human communication 3. more often than not, we experience a number of emotions mixed together 4. emotions are learned through social interaction 5. some emotions are instinctual and some are learned (scholars aren't sure which are which) 6. emotions are contagious (we tend to mimic others) 7. emotions are a process rather than a fixed state of being

Guidelines for communicating between friends

1. engage in dual perspective 2. communicate honestly 3. grow from your differences 4. do not focus on qualities that annoy you

4 Basic Responses to Conflict

1. exit response (l/l) - removing oneself physically / emotionally from conflict (ex: physically leaving, ending relationship) 2. neglect response (l/l) - denies or minimizes the problem (ex: "nothing's wrong" 3. loyalty response (w/l) - stays committed to relationship despite conflict (ex: focuses only on the good, no active address) 4. voice response (w/w) - addresses conflict directly for the purpose of resolving it (ex: apologize, bring it up)

Things for effective communication of emotions

1. identify your emotions and their cause 2. do not be afraid/ ashamed to admit your emotions 3. avoid viewing the word emotion or emotional in a negative light 4. make healthy choices regarding how you will express your emotions 5. monitor your self-talk regarding your emotions 6. own your emotions 7. respond with sensitivity to others when they communicate their emotions

forms of nonlistening

1. pseudolistening (pretending to listen) 2. monopolizing (listening to bring it back to us) 3. selective listening (focusing on one part) 4. sefensive listening (percieving attacks when one doesn't exist) 5. ambushing (listening to attack speaker) 6. literal listening (liastening for content and not meaning)

5 Concepts of Self

1. self is multi-dimensional 2. our understanding of self is partly subjective 3. social views play a role in our view of self 4. self concepts are a process 5. our view of self can influence future behaviors

Obstacles to effective communication of emotions

1. social expectations 2. vulnerability 3. protecting others 4. social or professional roles

Primary Styles of Loving

EROS: powerful, passionate, intense. suddenly and dramatically (disclose early, are sentimental, fall in and our of love fast). great highs and lows. STORGE: comfortable, based on friendship, peaceful, gradual. grows from common interest, values, and life goals. not as intense conflict LUDUS: playful, sees love as a game. lighthearted and adventurous. doesn't take love seriously. enjoy casual dating and playing the field; enjoy the process of love (the hunt) and commitment is not the primary goal

Listening v. Hearing

Hearing: physiological process; passive; natural Listning: a choice; active; requires interpretation

Theories to explain how/why we seek friendships

Need to Belong Theory: we are each born with a drive to seek and form social bonds in order to satisfy the feeling that we are not alone (why we seek friendships) The Attraction Theory: one of the primary reasons we develop relationships with others is because we're attracted to them (why we choose friends) Social Exchange Theory: we engage in a process of weighing rewards and costs in determining whether to continue or pursue a relationship (why we maintain friendships) Social Penetration Theory: bonding increases as we reveal more about ourselves (how we become friends) WORTH = reward - costs

Secondary Styles of Loving

PRAGMA (Ludus + Storge) - playful, yet gradually gets serious (practical considerations) MANIA (Eros + Ludus) - playful and intense, uses test and games to evaluate commitment (obsess over the relationship) AGAPE (Storge + Eros) - love without expecting personal gain, sacrificial, generous, selfless love. Passionate but long term. love is enough of a reward by itself

Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment (parents were consistent, attentive, loving; positive sense of self worth and belief that people are trusting) Fearful Attachment (parents are negative, rejecting, abusive; view selves as unworthy of love and believe people are rejecting) Dismissive Attachment (parents are disinterested, rejecting, abusive; reject parents and develop positive self-worth and belief relationships are unnecessary and undesirable) Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment (parents are inconsistent/unpredictable; sometimes invite love and affection, sometimes deny wanting closeness)

Attribution Errors

Self Serving Bias (our success is based on our own choices; our failure is due to actions apart from ourselves) Fundamental Attribution Error (overestimating the external causes of others undesirable behavior)

What is interpersonal communication?

The process of creating and sharing meaning between people who are independent, have a relationship between them, and share knowledge of each other.

"Primary and Permanent"

a unique relationship between two individuals who assume that they will be primary and a continuing part of each other's lives

euphemisms

a vague, mild expression that symbolizes something more blunt or harsh (ex: he passed away)

empathetic listeners

creating a culture that makes it safe for another to openlyu share because he/she knows youll listen

Nonverbal Communicatoin

ex: tone/pitch, volume, facial expressions, posture, eyes, physical appearance, jewelry, proximiity, environment

The Continuum of Deception

high stakes lies (ex: forging a signature, impersonating, insider trading, etc.) low stakes lies (ex: lies about liking a gift, claiming to be late, "nice to meet you")

counterfeit emotional intelligence

language that seems to express emotions, but does not actually describe what the individual is feeling

3 Basic Orientations to conflict

lose/lose - conflict is a loss for everyone win/lose - assumes one person wins at the expense of the other win/win - assumes that there are ways to resolve differences so that everyone wins

Chinese character

our eyes, our ears, our heart, suspension of judgement

Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis

the idea that language influences the ways that members of a culture see and think about the world - linguistic determinism= structure of language determines how we think - linguistic relativity= people who speak different languages will see the world differently

Perception

the mental process by which we come to understand the world around us - the process of making meaning from the things we experience

Johari Window

visual representation of components of the self that are known or unknown to the self and others - open area = known to self and others - hidden area = known by self, unknown by others - blind area = known to others, unknown to self - unknown area = unknown to self and others

slang/ jargon

words understood only by a subculture - helps to distinguish who is in a certain network