Jokes
What did one math book say to the other math book?
Do you want to hear my problems?
What lets you walk through walls?
Doors!
How does the moon cut his hair?
E-clipse it!
What happens if you feed gun powder to a chicken?
Egg-Splosion
What did one shooting star say to another?
Glad to meteor!
What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!
What did the bee say to the flower?
Hello, honey!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
I'm not shore.
What did the Hot Dog say when he won the contest?
I'm the Wiener!
Where can you learn to make ice cream?
In sundae school.
Why does a firefly glow?
It eats light meals.
What does a frog do when its car breaks down?
It gets toad!
What does a shark eat with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
If we breathe oxygen all day, what do we breathe all night?
Nitrogen!
Where does smart butter go?
On the honor roll.
What do snakes do after a fight?
They hiss and make up.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rock-it!
What did the dollar say to the four quarters?
You've changed!
what dog loves bubble baths?
a shampoodle
what kind of cat likes to eat lemons?
a sourpuss
what kind of dogs are full of ticks?
a watch dog
what kind of dog does count Dracula prefer?
any bloodhound
how can u tell if a cat can count?
ask it what 1-1 is and see if it says nothing
what dogs have in common with trees?
bark
what pet is all ways lying around the house?
carpets
what is a felines best position?
cat-cher
what do angry cats say?
i'm fur-ious
why don't cats complain to other cats when they sing?
it's meow-sic to their ears
what is an important aid in good grooming for a pet mice?
mousewash
who is the superhero of the jungle?
the spidermonkey
how does a Kentucky horse greet another horse?
with southern horsepitality
What do you call an Alligator in a vest?
A Investigator!
What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
A bath towel
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A buccaneer!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?
A cowboy riding his horse.
What two keys cannot open any doors?
A donkey and a monkey.
What can honk without a horn?
A goose
What always sleeps with shoes on?
A horse
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
What has a horn, but cannot honk?
A rhino
What has a ring, but no finger?
A telephone.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
What do you call a 100-year-old ant?
An antique!
What did the hamburger give to his sweetheart?
An onion ring!
Where do polar bears vote?
At the North Pole.
Why did the baseball coach hire a singer?
Because he had perfect pitch!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones
What is a cheerleader's favorite cereal?
Cheerios!
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.
How did the barber win the race?
He had a shortcut!
How did the beaver get online?
He logged on.
What happened when the Shark became Famous?
He turned into a Starfish.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash.
Why did the vampire take art class?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.
Why did the pony cough?
He was a little horse.
What is a Bunny's favorite Music?
Hip-hop
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
His parents were in a jam.
Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary.
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In the snow bank.
What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
Is that you mommy?
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It felt crummy.
Why didn't the car feel well?
It had gas.
What did the grape do when it was stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw salad dressing.
If you threw a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it become?
It would become wet.
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon aid!
What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!!!!!
What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-pliers
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What kind of music do aliens like?
Nep-tunes.
Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round!
What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief? A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Q: What do you call sad coffee?" A: Despresso
Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? A: It was quite an oar deal.
Q: What bow can't be tied? A: A rainbow!
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: What has four wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck!
Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato? A: Tomato Paste!
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed? A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? A: the alpha bet
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist? A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny? A: We make perfect cents.
Q: What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on? A: Bare-foot.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? A: Sherbet
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank? A: The Nutella!
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A: A turkey!
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course!
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A: Sneakers.
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away? A: A taxi driver.
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? A: Post Office!
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom? A: At the BP station!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March!
What does December have that the other months don't have? A) The letter D
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? A: Nobody nose.
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: Did you hear about that new broom? A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? A: "Where's Popcorn?"
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which building is the largest? A: The library because it has the most stories.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What belongs to you but others use more? A: Your name
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? A: She couldn't control her pupils!
How do you spot a modern spider?
She has a Web site.
What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread!
What language does a billboard speak?
Sign language.
What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers.
Why did King Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him.
What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
Spare ribs!
What is as big as an elephant, but weighs nothing at all?
The shadow of an elephant.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path
Where do you take a sick boat?
To the dock!
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste!
Customer: Waiter, this food tastes funny.
Waiter: Then why aren't you laughing?
When is a piece of wood like a king?
When it's a ruler!
How does Yoda shave?
With a light razer.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
You get spoiled milk.
what dog stands the best chance of winning the heavyweight title?
a boxer, of course
what do u call a cat who's joined the red cross?
a first-aid-kit
what do u get when u cross a cat with a hyena?
a gigglepuss
what do u call a dog in the sun?
a hot dog
what kind of fish can u find in a birdcage?
a perch
what is another name for a cats home?
a scratch pad
what are cats favorite cars?
cat-illacs
what do u feed frogs?
croakers and milk
what is the holiday birds observe the most?
feather's day
where do dogs like to keep their cars?
in a barking lot
what vegetable is best for ur favorite animal?
petatoes
what do dogs like for breakfast?
pooched eggs and barcon
who is a famous cat at christmas?
santa claws
which heavenly body did the space cat seriously try to avoid?
sirius, the dog star
when is a dogs tail not a dogs tail?
when it's a waggin'
What kind of garden does a baker have?
A flour garden.
What do you call a man whose father was a cannon?
A son of a gun!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he's always spotted!
Why was the nose so tired?
Because it had been running all day!
Why did the student eat his Homework?
Because the Teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Why is Russia such a fast country?
Because the people are always Russian.
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why don't chickens play baseball?
Because they hit fowl balls.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch you later.
What kinds of streets do zombies like?
Dead ends!
What fruit always travels in groups of two?
Pears.
What did the pen say to the pencil?
So, what's your point?
What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?
Sorry, you're not my type.
Teacher: Be sure that you don't go straight home.
Student: I can't, I live just around the Corner.
Teacher: What makes you see? Boby Jack: My eyes, nose, and ears
Teacher: True for the eyes but why for the ears and nose? Boby Jack: It's to hold my Glasses!
Teacher: Whoever answers my question can go home. [A boy throws his bag out the window.]
Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I'm going home now.
What game makes the most noise?
Tennis-you can't play it without raising a racket!
What is a Banana's favorite Gymnastic move?
The Splits
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room.
