Sorry Dude... I'm Trying to Go Vegan, So I'm Gonna Have to Eat You

And that'll make you... what? "Ralph, the Cannibal Philosopher"?

"Ralph, the Vegan Cannibal Philosopher."

(Ralph bites into Bob's shoulder again)

(Ralph bites into Bob's shoulder again)

(Ralph bites into Bob's shoulder.)

(Ralph bites into Bob's shoulder.)

(Ralph grabs Bob. Bob starts thrashing, kicking, and screaming.)

(Ralph grabs Bob. Bob starts thrashing, kicking, and screaming.)

Here's a news flash! You're not beating on me if you can't land a punch!

(Ralph lands a punch.)

(Ralph releases Bob.)

(Ralph releases Bob.)

(Ralph starts throwing punches at Bob, which Bob dodges.)

(Ralph starts throwing punches at Bob, which Bob dodges.)

Ralph, this is seriously messed up!

(with a Scottish accent) Get in my belly!

What?

Before we get all the way to the bleeding part, do you have any kind of communicable diseases I should know about?

They told me so.

Bunnies can't talk.

Better them than me!

But I feel bad for the bunnies.

You have sissy teeth! You're not cut out for this! Give it up!

But if I give it up, I'm going to go back to eating animals.

Studying the Salem witch trials kind of got to me. I guess this makes us even.

Cool! You wanna go get something to eat?

Uh... cooties!

Cooties?

(Ralph tries to grab Bob and misses.)

Don't drag this out, man.

I'd go Dark Side all over your sorry behind!

Don't let anger and hatred consume you.

How's it going?

Eh.

Sure, why not? It'll make me appreciate my life to sit across from you in a restaurant and think, "That could've been me."

End of duet.

Just because it's lame doesn't mean that I don't have it.

Even if you do, it would just add to my misery, which is kind of the point, so I guess it's cool.

It's entirely too much to ask!

Fine, be that way.

If I could use the force, the last thing I'd do is let you eat me!

Guess it's a good thing you're not a Jedi, huh?

Hey, Ralph.

Hey, Bob.

The bunnies hate you, Ralph. They think you're dumb and ugly.

How do you know?

Why?

I ate bunny once.

What did you expect?

I expected to be able to at least break the skin.

Good!

I guess it's too much to ask you to take off your sweatshirt so I don't have to eat it, too?

Ralph, veganism is hard. How are you going stick with it if you're craving meat every waking moment for the rest of your life?

I have to do something to cure myself of the urge eat meat.

You got heartburn?

I loved it. I loved it all. And I still crave it. Right this moment. Right now, as I'm standing here talking to you, my heart is lusting after a roast beef sandwich with a side of chicken tenders.

Really?

I mean, not out in the woods and stuff. It was in a restaurant. They had bunny on the menu. Except they called it "rabbit".

Rhinoceros?

I need to go cannibal for a day if I'm going to kick this thing.

You can't seriously expect me to give up without a fight.

I was kind of hoping.

Why just "eh" and not "good"?

I went to the pet store today.

Hypnosis?

I'm a carnivore, Bob, not a smoker. I need to do something so carnivorous that I'm satisfied yet so repulsed that I can never be carnivorous again.

You're already repulsed by the bunny thing, and you once ate a hot dog covered in beef gravy and sausage with pepperoni and fish sticks, yet you still crave meat. I don't think gorging yourself on a whole herd of cattle us going to do the trick.

I'm not thinking about cows.

OWWW!

I'm still not breaking skin. Boy, this is hard.

Ralph, you've put way too much thought into this.

I'm thinking about majoring in philosophy when I get to college.

I dunno... we've only dissected frogs in biology class, so I couldn't tell you.

I've done terrible things, Bob. I've eaten hamburgers covered in bacon. I've eaten bacon on hot dogs. I've eaten hot dogs covered in beef gravy and sausage with pepperoni and fish sticks.

You fit all that onto one hot dog?

It was a foot-long. And do you know the worst part?

You're talking about eating me. What do you expect?

It's not like I'm doing this in a mean-spirited kind of way.

Do you blame me?

It's really sad in a very unsatisfying kind of way to see you acting so pathetic. Maybe I should just give this up.

Feeling awkward now?

Kind of. (Beat) Sorry.

That seems kind of extreme.

No more extreme than a lifetime stained with the guts and entrails of feisty furry friends.

Ralph, it's not exactly secret knowledge that bunnies and rabbits are the same thing.

No, I knew. It's just... if the menu had said "bunny" instead of "rabbit" I probably wouldn't have ordered it.

Deer?

No.

Pigs?

No.

Are you saying you want to become a vegetarian?

No. I have too much to atone for. Too much innocent animal blood on my hands. I have to go further than vegetarianism.

It's illegal! You'll go to jail!

Not if I eat all the evidence.

Did you break the skin? Am I bleeding?

Not yet. You probably would be if it weren't for your dumb sweatshirt. Hey, wait a minute.

No.

Please?

Yes! That's an excellent idea. Except that the sad part isn't that I'm acting pathetic, it's that you're acting crazy.

Plus, my jaw hurts.

Because "bunny" is a cuter sounding word?

Right.

What?

There's no one I'd rather have sloshing through my intestines than you.

Cannibal?

There's no other way.

Ow!

There. I landed one.

And that was bad?

They had bunnies.

My shoulder hurts where you were biting it with your jaw.

This isn't going to work, is it? Not without me putting in a lot more effort than it's worth.

And looking at the cute bunnies somehow had a negative impact on the quality of your day?

Very negative.

I'm thinking that the act here counts for more than the intention behind it!

You make it sound so ugly.

What is this, a boxing match now?

You're forcing me to beat you into submission so I can eat you!

No, but sometimes they spell out messages in their food, and they're mocking you behind your back, Ralph!

You're lying again.

No, I don't have any--yes! Yes! I am a walking Petri dish of blood borne pathogens!

You're lying.

This was so surreal that in a week from now I'm going to be convinced it was a dream.

You're not going to tell my parents?

Who were you going to eat?

You've been a good friend, Bob. I'm sure you'll make a good meal.

Are you going to at least knock me out with a frying pan, or give me some Novocain for the pain or something?

Your dying screams will add to the trauma for me.

Bunnies are cute.

The bunnies at the pet store are very cute.

People don't eat their friends! Pick someone else! You've got a whole school full of people to choose from!

The cheerleaders are too skinny to be satisfying. The jocks would put up too much of a fight. The teachers are old and leathery and would probably be too hard to chew. The drama kids are too weird, and that goes double for the math team. The goths are just... no. So that leaves you.

It is ugly! It's very ugly. It's like a troll! With hemorrhoids! On its face!

That's gross, man. Look, if you're going to be like that, then we might as well get it over with. Come here.

Yes, cooties!

That's lame, man.

You mean...

That's right. I have to go vegan.

OWWW! You're biting into my freaking shoulder!

That's the idea!

That's gross. And kind of disturbing.

That's the idea.

No!

All right, fine. We'll do it the hard way.

Bummer.

And I was looking at these cute little bunnies in the pet store, and thinking about how I'd eaten one, and it made me feel awful.

You're talking about killing me!

And it makes me really sad. Which is, y'know, part of the idea. To traumatize myself so deeply that I'll never be able to eat meat again.

I'm sorry.

And then I was thinking about all the other animals I'd ever eaten, and how deep down inside, they probably weren't that different from the bunnies.

Just forget about it.

Seriously?

Thank you.

So. Um.

I think it'll traumatize me more deeply than it does you.

Sorry about that.

Are you serious? The effort involved means more to you than my life?

Sorry, dude. It's your life, but it's my effort.

(sighing) No... you didn't rat on me last week when I tried to set you on fire because I thought you were practicing witchcraft.

That was kind of spastic of you.

No! You do not get to go quoting Austin Powers to me!

What am I supposed to say? "Use the force, Bob"?

No. I'm not lying.

What have you got, then?

Leggo! Leggo! You're insane!

Will you stop kicking? That hurts!

Just "eh"?

Yeah. Just "eh".

Are you going to let go of me now?

Yeah... I guess so.