Arsenic and old lace Mortimer Act 2

Elaine. "Well, at least take me home, won't you? I'm afraid."

Afraid! A little walk through the cemetery?

Elaine. "Have you suddenly gone crazy?"

I don't think so but it's just a matter of time. You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops [look upstairs] That's why I can't Marry you, dear.

Einstein. "Just a friend of ours Chonny's been looking for."

Well, don't bring anyone else in here.

Jonathan. "I've come back home, Mortimer."

[looking at him, and then to Abby] Who did you say this was?

Jonathan. "Spenalzo! Well, now, Mortimer — It really isn't necessary to inconvenience you like this — we'll sleep down here."

[rising] Jonathan, your sudden consideration for me is very unconvincing.

Abby. "No, not yet. He's just down there waiting for the services, poor dear. We haven't had a minute what with Jonathan in the house. -- Oh, Dear. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral, but I will not read services over a total stranger."

A stranger! Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.

Elaine. "He wasn't so crazy. He made a million dollars."

And then there's Jonathan. You just said he was a maniac — he tried to kill you.

Elaine. "But he's your brother, not you. I'm in love with you."

And there's Teddy, too. You know Teddy. He thinks he's Roosevelt. No dear, no Brewster should Marry. I realize now that if I'd met my father in time I'd have stopped him.

Jonathan. "Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used to do to you when we were boys? Remember the time you were tied to the bedpost—the needles under your fingernails-?"

By God, It is Jonathan.— Yes, I remember. I remember you as the most detestable, vicious, venomous form of animal life I ever knew.

Martha. "No, but do you think some hot tea, or coffee —?"

Coffee! Make some for me, too — and some sandwiches. I haven't had any dinner.

Abby. "We'll be in in a minute, dear."

Come in here now!

Einstein. "Come along, Chonny. We get our things out of the room eh?"

Don't Bother, Doctor!

Abby. "and Dr. Einstein was with him --"

I don't mean Dr. Einstein. Who's that in the window-seat? [nod head towards window-seat]

Abby. "Well, Jonathan just walked in --"

I don't mean Jonathan --

O'Hara. "Say — ain't I seen a photograph of your brother around here some place?"

I don't think so. [sit down on couch]

Abby. "Just for tonight."

I don't want him anywhere near me.

Elaine. "Up, from where? We're here alone together."

I know I'm acting irrationally, but just put it down to the fact that I'm a Mad Brewster.

Abby. "This is your brother Jonathan—and this is Dr. Einstein."

I know this isn't a nightmare, but what is it?

Abby. "Yes, dear, what is it? Where's Elaine?"

I though I told you not to let anyone in this house while I was gone!

O'Hara. "Well, it must be nice havin' your nephews visitin' you. Are they going to stay with you for a bit?"

I'm staying, my brother Jonathan was just leaving.

Jonathan. "I'm glad you recognize the fact that you and I can't live under the same roof -- but you've arrived at the wrong situation. Take your suitcase and Get out!"

Jonathan! -- You're beginning to bore me. You've played your one night stand in Brooklyn -- move on!

Elaine. "Now wait a minute, you've got to do better than that."

No, dear — there's a strange taint in the brewster blood. If you really knew my family it's — well — it's what you'd expect if Strindberg had written Hellzapoppin.

Elaine. "Now just because Teddy is a little —"

No, it goes way back. The first Brewster — the one who came over on the Mayflower. You know in those days the Indians used to scalp the settlers — he used to scalp the Indians. [gesture scalping]

Elaine. "Mortimer, that's ancient history."

No, the whole family... take my grandfather — he tried his patent medicines out on dead people to be sure he wouldn't kill them.

Jonathan. "Dr. Einstein and I have been invited to stay."

Not in this house.

Abby. "I certainly am. Why, this is a fine how do you do! It's getting so anybody thinks he can walk into this house."

Now Aunt Abby. don't you try to get out of this. That's another one of your gentleman!

Abby. "Mortimer, how can you say such a thing! That man's an impostor! And if he came here to be buried in our cellar he's mistaken."

Oh, Aunt Abby, you admitted to me that you put Mr. Hoskins in the window-seat.

Abby. "He must of gone to Panama."

Oh, you buried him?

Elaine. "Mortimer! Where have you been?"

To the Nora Bayes Theatre and i should've known better... [sees Jonathan] My God!—I'm still there.

O'Hara. "Just dropped in to make sure everything was all right."

We're going to have some coffee in a minute. Won't you join us?

Abby. "Yes I did"

Well this man couldn't have just got the idea from Mr. Hoskins. By the way -- where is Mr. Hoskins?

Elaine. "Mortimer!"

What's the matter with you, dear?

O'Hara. "Well, you'll be wanting to say your good byes. I'll be running along."

What's the rush? I'd like to have you stick around until my brother goes.

Jonathan. "By the way, Doctor, I've completely lost track of Mr. Spenalzo."

Who's this Mr. Spenalzo?

Elaine. "No, it was more than that. He's some kind of maniac. Mortimer, I'm afraid of him."

Why, darling, you're trembling. [help her up on couch. To Aunts] Have you got any smelling salts?

Jonathan. "I don't think so."

Yeah, Jonathan, Id hurry if I were you. Your things are all packed up anyway, aren't they?!

O'Hara. "Don't bother. I'm due to ring in in a few minutes."

You can have a cup of coffee with us. My brother will be gone soon. [lead O'Hara to seat] sit down.

Abby. "Martha, we can leave our hats downstairs here now."

You weren't going out somewhere, were you? Do you know what time it is? It's after twelve. [The word Twelve rings a bell] TWELVE! [stands up turning to Elain] Elain, you've got to go home!

Elaine. "I've almost been killed!"

You've almost been — [looks quickly at aunts] ABBY! MARTHA!

Elaine. "Mortimer, will you kiss me good night?"

[Holding her hands] Of course, dear... [stunned] goodnight, dear. I'll call you up in a day or two.

Abby. "Martha, Just look and see what's in that window-seat."

[Jonathan and I look at each other and both run to window-seat] Now. Aunt Abby!

Jonathan. "We've called the police. We'll handle this. Go back to your room. Do you hear me?"

[Several knocks followed with Mortimer entering with suitcase]

Jonathan. "My Dear Mortimer, just because you've graduated from the fence to the typewriter, don't think you've grown .. I'm staying, and you're leaving -- and I mean now!"

[budding heads] If you think I can be frightened -- if you think there's anything I fear --

Elaine. "You -- you Critic!" [leaves]

[by staircase] Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! come in here!

Abby. "Now don't you two boys start quarreling again the minute you've seen each other."

[cross to door, open it] There won't be any fight Aunt Abby. Jonathan, You're not wanted here—Get out!

Jonathan. "No trouble at all, Aunt Abby. We'll be packed in a few minutes. And then you can have your room, Mortimer."

[crossing to couch] You're just wasting your time—I told you I'm sleeping down here.

Einstein. "You sleep on the sofa and I sleep on the WINDOW-SEAT."

[hears the word "Window-seat" and crosses to it] The window-Seat! Oh, well lets not argue about it. That window-seat's good enough for me for tonight. I'll sleep on the window-seat.

Elaine. "Oh, Mortimer, there are plenty of others. You can't tell me anything about your Aunts."

[leaning on table] I'm not going to. [cross to her] Look, Elaine, you've got to go home. Something very important has just come up.

Elaine. "Now, darling, all this doesn't prove you're crazy. Look at your Aunts -- they're Brewsters, aren't they? -- and the sanest, sweetest people I've ever known"

[looking at window-seat] Even they have their peculiarities. [walk to window-seat]

Elaine. "Yes, but what lovely peculiarities! -- Kindness, generosity -- human sympathy --"

[open window-seat, to self] there's another one!

O'Hara. "I saw your lights on and thought there might be sickness in the house. Oh, you got company — I'm sorry I disturbed you."

[rush to O'Hara and guide to chair] No, no come in.

Abby. "who can that be?'

[shaking Abby's shoulder] Are you telling me you've never seen this man before?

...

[standing up] Jonathan, let Aunt Martha see what's in the window-seat. [cross to Abby] Aunt Abby, I owe you an apology and I have very good new for you. Jonathan is leaving. he's taking Dr. Einstein and their cold companion with him... Jonathan. You're my brother. You're a Brewster. I'm going to give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you -- you can't ask for more than that... Very well. -- in that case. I'll have to call the police. [cross to telephone]

Einstein. "Chonny, we sleep down here."

[starts upstairs] You bet your life you sleep down here.

Jonathan. "Oh, Mortimer -- I'd like to have a word with you."

[step back] A word's about all you'll have time for, Jonathan, because I've decided you and your Doctor friend are going to have to get out of this house just as quickly as possible.

Abby. "We told you -- Mr. Hoskins."

[stomp towards window-seat, open and point] It is not Mr. Hoskins.

Elaine. "Mortimer! What's going on in this house?"

[suspicious] what do you mean — what's going in in this house?

Elaine. "You were supposed to take me to dinner and the theatre tonight — you called it off. You asked me to marry you — I said I would — and five minutes later you threw me out of the house. Tonight, just after your brother tries to strangle me, you want to chase me home. Now, listen, Mr. Brewster — before I go home, I want to know where I stand. Do you love me?"

[taking her hands] I love you very much, Elain. In fact I love you so much I can't Marry you.

Abby. "But we did invite them for tonight, and it wouldn't be very nice to go back on our word."

[unwillingly] All right, Tonight. But the first thing in the morning—out! [pick up suitcase] Where are they sleeping?

Elaine. "If you think you're going to get out of this by pretending you're insane -- you're crazy. Maybe You're not going to marry me, but I'm going to marry you. I love you, you dope."

[urging her to door] Well if you love me will you get the hell outta here!

Martha. "Why, don't you remember — we wanted to celebrate your engagement? That's what we'll do dear. We'll make a nice supper for both of you. And we'll open a bottle of wine!"

[vaguely] All right. [sudden change of mind] NO WINE!

Abby. "It's your brother Jonathan. He's had his face changed. Dr. Einstein performed the operation."

[walking/taking a closer at Jonathan] Jonathan! Jonathan, you were always a horror, but do you have to look like one?

Abby. "We put them in Jonathan's old room."

[whiny] Thats my my old room. I'm sleeping in that room and I'm there to stay.