CH 13: Communication Climate

Ostracism

"the social death penalty" because it purposely excludes others from interaction (Parramore, 2014). Most people can recall hurtful childhood experiences of being ostracized by a group (Wölfer & Scheithauer, 2014). This kind of disconfirmation can also happen in adulthood. Workplace studies show that employees would rather receive negative attention from bosses and coworkers than no attention at all. Many report that ostracism is even more painful and damaging than harassment (O'Reilly et al., 2015). Ostracism usually involves exclusion from a group, but it can also take place in one-on-one interaction. Chapter 12 describes several variations on this theme: the silent treatment, ghosting, and stonewalling. The power of ostracism illustrates a principle introduced in Chapter 1: You can't not communicate. Withholding interaction from others sends a message. In some cases it can be the most disconfirming message of all.

disagreeing message

A message that essentially communicates to another person, "You are wrong," and includes argumentativeness and complaining.

Disconfirming Communication

A message that expresses a lack of caring or respect for another person; the person is not valued by the speaker.

Confirming Communication

A message that expresses caring or respect for another person; the person is valued by the speaker. -Recognition, Acknowledgement, Endorsement

4. Which type of language suggests that the speaker is making decisions with rather than for other people?

"We" language

5. When instructors listen carefully to student comments in class and respond, "I see your point," they are using which level of confirming message?

Acknowledgment

6. What does the A in the STAR interview method stand for?

Action

10. Which biological structure that prepares the body for danger can also produce an uncivilized response in a disagreement?

Amygdala

neutrality

Gibb used the term neutrality to describe a fourth behavior that arouses defensiveness. Probably a better word would be indifference. For example, 911 emergency telephone dispatchers are taught to be neutral to calm down the caller, but they shouldn't communicate indifference or a lack of caring (Shuler & Sypher, 2000). Using Gibb's terminology, a neutral attitude is disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern for the welfare of another and implies that the other person isn't very important to you. The poor effects of neutrality become apparent when you consider the hostility that most people have for the large, impersonal organizations with which they have to deal: "They think of me as a number instead of a person"; "I felt as if I were being handled by computers and not human beings." These common statements reflect reactions to being treated in an indifferent, neutral way.

7. "Tell me about a situation where you had to deal with a difficult customer" is what type of query?

Behavioral

6. What does research reveal about blurting?

Blurting is usually detrimental to interpersonal communication.

11. Know-it-alls exhibit which of Gibb's behaviors?

Certainty

9. What do researchers call claiming and caring for your own identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading the other person?

Civility

civility

Claiming and caring for your own identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading the other person. -Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one's preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same.

2. Which statement about communication climates is TRUE?

Communication climates involve how people feel about each other as they carry out specific activities.

1. What type of message essentially says "you exist, "you matter," and "you're important?

Confirming

10. What is the most likely response to a hostile or indifferent message?

Defensiveness

1. What kind of messages address specific behaviors rather than making sweeping character generalizations?

Descriptive

7. What kind of messages lie between confirming and disconfirming messages?

Disagreeing

certainty

Dogmatically stating or implying that one's position is correct and others' ideas are not worth considering; likely to arouse defensiveness, according to Gibb. -Communicators who dogmatically regard their own opinions with certainty while disregarding the ideas of others demonstrate a lack of regard for others. It's likely that the receiver will take the certainty as a personal affront and react defensively.

8. Which behavior in Gibb's categories contrasts with neutrality?

Empathy

9. Which of Gibb's categories is put to the test when a person doesn't have superior skills yet is in a position of authority?

Equality

2. "You always need to be right" conveys what kind of message in Gibb's categories?

Evaluative

11. What kind of messages do we perceive as challenging the image we want to project?

Face-threatening

Conversation cures

Face-to-face dialogue builds empathy, friendship, and creativity; it's the cornerstone of democracy and good for the bottom line.

equality

Gibb found ample evidence that many who have superior skills and talents are capable of projecting feelings of equality rather than superiority. Such people communicate that although they may have greater talent in certain areas, they see other human beings as having just as much worth.

2. What is the first step in casual conversation with someone you don't know?

Introduce yourself.

5. You have a tendency to share personal information with people you barely know. Which guideline for conversation are you overlooking?

Keep it Appropriate

11. What is the key to overcoming dysfunctional responses when conversing about a disagreement?

Mindfulness

2. What has research about cyberbullying established?

Nearly 60 percent of U.S. teens have been bullied or harassed online

7. Indifference is an arguably better word for which of Gibb's categories?

Neutrality

acknowledgement

Paying attention to the ideas and feelings of others through acknowledgment is a stronger form of confirmation than simple recognition. Chapter 8 notes how listening and responding to another person demonstrates your interest and concern (Weger et al., 2014). Phrases such as "I see your point" or "I can understand how you feel" communicate acknowledgment—regardless of whether you agree with what's being said.

communication climate

The emotional tone of a relationship between two or more individuals.

3. Which of the following is an open question?

What do you like best about your new computer?

spontanaeity

being honest with others rather than manipulating them. What it doesn't mean is blurting out what you're thinking as soon as an idea comes to you (see the Focus on Research sidebar on ). Gibb recognized the dangers of hidden agendas that others both sense and resist. You can probably recall times when someone asked you a question and you suspiciously responded with "Hmmm ... why do you want to know?" Your defensive antennae were up because you detected an underlying strategy. If the person had told you up front why he or she was asking the question, then your defenses probably would have been lowered. Here are some examples that illustrate the difference between strategy and spontaneity:

strategy

characterize defense-arousing messages in which speakers hide their ulterior motives. The terms dishonesty and manipulation reflect the nature of strategy. Even if the intentions that motivate strategic communication are honorable, the victim of deception is likely to feel offended at being played for a sucker. As Chapter 8 explains, counterfeit questions are a form of strategic communication because they try to trap others into desired responses. Many sales techniques are strategic; for example, they may give customers limited information and then make it difficult to say no. This is not to say that all sales techniques are wrong or unethical, but most strategic ones aren't well suited for interpersonal relationships

1. You and a friend are both taking the same interpersonal communication class of the same size with the same syllabus at the same university, but you are in different sections. In your class, students are friendly, supportive, and engaged. In your friend's class, students are passive at best, hostile at worst. In other words, the __________ of these two sections differs.

communication climates

problem orientation

communicators focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their own needs and those of the others involved. The goal here isn't to "win" at the expense of your partner but to work out some arrangement in which everybody feels like a winner. (Chapter 12 has a great deal to say about "win-win" problem solving as a way to find problem-oriented solutions.) Problem orientation is often typified by "we" language (see Chapter 6), which suggests that the speaker is making decisions with rather than for other people (Seider et al., 2009). In one study, the most effective university chairpersons were characterized as using few control communications and adopting a problem orientation

Argumentativeness

presenting and defending positions on issues while opposing positions taken by others (Johnson et al., 2014). Argumentativeness—at least in the United States—can coincide with a number of positive attributes, such as organizational assimilation (Sollitto & Cranmer, 2019), communicative competence (Hsu, 2010), and willingness to confront others when wronged (Miller & Roloff, 2014). The way you present your ideas makes all the difference in maintaining a positive climate while arguing a point. It is crucial to be sure you are evaluating positions or issues, not attacking people. There's a world of difference between "That's a stupid idea" and "I disagree—let me explain why." The supportive kinds of messages outlined in Section 12.3.3 show how you can argue in a respectful, constructive way.

12. Defensiveness is related to the concepts of __________ and face.

presenting self

controlling communication

when a sender seems to be imposing a solution on the receiver, with little regard for that person's needs or interests. The object of control can involve almost anything: where to eat dinner, how to spend a large sum of money, or whether to remain in a relationship. The channel can range from words, to gestures, to tone of voice, and the control can be accomplished through status, insistence on obscure or irrelevant rules, or physical power. No matter the object, channel, or form of control, the controller generates hostility. The unspoken message such behavior communicates is, "I know what's best for you, and if you do as I say, we'll get along."

evaluation

which judges another person, usually in a negative way. For instance, consider this message: "You don't care about me!" Evaluative messages such as this possess several characteristics that make them face threatening. They judge what the other person is feeling rather than describing the speaker's thoughts, feelings, and wants.

Casual Convo

-Introductions: "Hi Kris—I'm Sam. I met you at Monique's party last year." -Ask & Listen: You don't have to be a witty and charming speaker to have a good conversation. If you're at a loss for words, the best approach is to focus on listening. hat you ask will be dictated by the nature of your relationship and the context. It wouldn't be good form to ask a person you've just met, "Tell me about your hopes and dreams." It's better to start slowly. You could open with "What brings you to this event?" or "How do you know the host?" Reciprocate: If someone asks you a conversational question, an unspoken social rule is to return the favor (Sprecher & Treger, 2015). "How's your family?" merits a return at some point: "And how about your family?" One reason reciprocity is a good idea is that speakers often ask questions about topics they would like to talk about. The person who inquires about your family might respond to your reciprocal question with, "Actually, my mom's not doing too well. ..." Beyond reciprocal questions, good conversationalists take cues about topics that interest the other person. If your partner talks about sports, exercise, or food, it's a safe bet to stay on that subject if you're able

Casual Convo Cont.

-Your Time: Keep it focused, short, intersting, and appropriate. Stay Aware & Adapt: ay attention not only to what you're saying, but also to how your partner is reacting (Bruno & Gareth, 2014). Ask yourself questions like Have I been talking too long? Did I reciprocate? Was that TMI? It's important to read the nonverbal cues discussed in Chapter 7. Eye contact, facial expression, and body movement offer important clues about how the conversation is going (if your partner's eyes are glazing over, it's time to change things up). And if you're not quite sure, you could engage in metacommunication: "I've been talking too much—I want to hear more about you" or "I hope you don't mind that I shared that with you." Staying aware doesn't mean being hypervigilant or overly self-critical. The goal is simply to assess how the conversation is going while you're in the midst of it—and then adapt. If you think you're losing your audience, you may want to ask a question or shift topics. If the other person has done most of the talking, it might be time to jump in and take your turn at the next pause. And of course, you have the option of drawing the conversation to a close: "It's been nice chatting with you—I'm looking forward to doing it again sometime."

Disregarding

-you treat their messages as unimportant or nonexistent. Disregard is often communicated in small ways (Cissna & Sieburg, 2006). When you're making an important point during a conversation and a friend interrupts, you probably feel devalued. The same may be true if that friend goes off on an irrelevant tangent, gives an impersonal response ("It's no big deal—these things happen"), or ignores your message altogether. -Smartphones have presented phubbing as a new way to disregard

3. "We have an issue. Let's try to come up with a solution that will benefit us both." This statement reflects which of Gibb's categories?

Problem orientation

12. "I suspect you might encounter resistance to that approach" is a comment that reflects which of Gibb's categories?

Provisionalism

4. What kinds of questions show you're paying attention in a conversation to what interests the other person?

Reciprocal

6. Sales people greeting customers as they walk into the store is which kind of confirming message?

Recognition

4. Rank the following kinds of confirming messages from least to most positive.

Recognition, Acknowledgment, Endorsement

8. "Have I been talking too long?" is a question that reflects which feature of competent communication?

Self-monitoring

STAR

Situation?Task, Action, Result

10. "When you're the boss like me, you can do it your way" is a comment that demonstrates which of Gibb's categories?

Superiority

Phubbing

The act of snubbing others (intentionally or not) while attending to your phone. -The mere presence of a phone signals that your attention is divided, even if you don't intend it to be. It will limit the conversation in many ways: how you'll listen, what will be discussed, the degree of connection you'll feel. Rich conversations have difficulty competing with even a silent phone. To clear a path for conversation, set aside laptops and tablets. Put away your phone. Phubbers fail to give nonverbal recognition cues like smiles and eye contact to their in-person conversational partners (Kushlev et al., 2019). Phubbing your boss will likely be perceived as disrespectful (Roberts & David, 2017), and your romantic partner won't appreciate it either (see the Focus on Research sidebar). In face-to-face interactions, it's important to confirm your conversational partner with your attention.

The Biology of Incivility

What turns a civil conversation into an angry shouting match or refusal to talk? The answer lies, to some extent, in the amygdala, an almond-shaped structure buried deep within the brain. One physician called this organ the brain's "smoke detector" because it prepares the body for danger (van der Kolk, 2014). Once triggered by a perceived threat, the amygdala goes into overdrive, triggering production of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, readying the body for fight or flight. Heart rate increases, raising blood pressure, and breathing becomes more rapid. From an evolutionary perspective, this reaction has survival value. But in the face of disagreement, the response leads to an uncivil reaction that has aptly been called "amygdala hijacking": The active amygdala also immediately shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal cortex so we can become disoriented in a heated conversation. Complex decision-making disappears, as does our access to multiple perspectives. As our attention narrows, we find ourselves trapped in the one perspective that makes us feel the most safe: "I'm right and you're wrong."

Complaining

When communicators don't want to argue but still want to register dissatisfaction -Like all disagreeing messages, some ways of complaining are more constructive than others. Satisfied couples tend to offer behavioral complaints ("You always throw your socks on the floor"), whereas unsatisfied couples make more complaints aimed at personal characteristics ("You're a slob") (Alberts, 1990). Personal complaints are more likely to result in an escalated conflict episode (Alberts & Driscoll, 1992). The reason is obvious—complaints about personal characteristics attack a more fundamental part of the presenting self. Talking about socks deals with a habit that can be changed; calling someone a slob is a character assault that is unlikely to be forgotten when the conflict is over.

Endorsement

Whereas acknowledgment communicates interest, endorsement means that you agree with or support another person. Endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message because it communicates the highest form of valuing. You can verbally endorse others by agreeing with them ("You're right about that"), offering compliments ("Nice job handling that situation"), or giving praise ("That's the best presentation I've seen this year"). Getting recognition like this on the job helps workers "feel interpersonally significant, needed, unique, and particularly successful" (Lutgen-Sandvik et al., 2011).

description

a way to offer your thoughts, feelings, and wants without judging the listener. Descriptive messages make documented observations that are specific and concrete. They focus on behavior that can be changed rather than on personal characteristics that cannot. In addition, descriptive messages often use "I" language, which tends to provoke less defensiveness than "you" language (Rogers et al., 2018). Contrast the evaluative "You don't care about me" with this more descriptive message: "I'm sorry we don't spend as much time together as we did during the summer. When we don't talk during the week, I sometimes feel unimportant. Maybe we could try to text each other once a day—that would mean a lot to me."

1. Sherry Turkle wants people to reclaim the lost art of conversation due to the advance of __________.

digital technology

blurting

indiscriminately saying whatever you're thinking and feeling. hese kinds of impulsive disclosures are usually detrimental to interpersonal communication. The researchers asked participants to write about blurting episodes and to complete a battery of scales about blurting. Interestingly, all of the participants' episodes were about negative or regrettable comments they made. Although it's possible to blurt good news or positive appraisals, that's not what the respondents thought of when they recalled speaking before thinking. Not surprisingly, analysis showed that habitual blurting was associated with a variety of less-than-positive traits. Blurters tend to be high in verbal aggressiveness, psychoticism, and neuroticism; they rate low in empathy and perspective taking. They are also relatively unconcerned about the harm their comments might do to others and to their relationships.

Metacommunication

messages (usually relational) that refer to other messages; communication about communication

12. When you apologize to a coworker for having snapped at him, you are engaging in __________.

metacommunication

8. What type of communication has been called the "social death penalty"?

ostracism

provisionalism

people express openness to others' ideas and opinions. You may have strong opinions yourself, but in this supportive style of communication, you acknowledge that you don't have a corner on the truth. Provisionalism often surfaces in word choice. Whereas people acting with certainty regularly use the terms can't, never, always, must, and have to, those acting with provisionalism use perhaps, maybe, possibly, might, and could. It's not that provisional people are spineless; they simply recognize that discussion is aided by open-minded messages. Researchers found that when teachers use provisional language, it helps motivate students (Katt & Collins, 2013). For instance, students responded more favorably to the critique "Your introduction could have been developed more thoroughly" than to the starker "The introduction was not well developed."

9. When your friend takes a wrong turn and you call him clueless instead of noting a driving error, an argument ensues. This escalated conflict can be explained by your use of __________.

personal complaints

superiority

sending patronizing messages either explicitly or implicitly. A body of research describes how such messages irritate receivers, particularly (but not only) when they're based on age, gender, or race (Atkinson & Sloan, 2017; Ilie, 2018). Any message that suggests "I'm better than you" is likely to arouse feelings of defensiveness in the recipients.

empathy

showing care for the feelings of another. Research has shown that empathy minimizes potential threats to self-concept (Bradley & Campbell, 2016). It's important to note that accepting others' feelings and putting yourself in their place is separate from agreeing with them. By simply letting someone know about your care and respect, you'll be acting in a supportive way.

5. When you ask a friend what he is doing Saturday afternoon rather than telling him you need help moving, you are using __________ rather than __________.

strategy; spontaneity

3. When you exclaim to your sister, "You're such a loser," she bristles at your criticism, although a bystander might assume your comment was affectionate teasing. This illustrates how the interpretation of a message as confirming or disconfirming is __________.

subjective

Disconfirming Messages

subtler than disagreeing ones but are potentially more damaging. Disconfirming communication implicitly says, "I don't value you"; "You don't exist." Three message types that fall into this category are disregard, aggressiveness, and ostracism. Types: Disregarding, Aggressiveness, and Ostracism

defensiveness

the process of protecting our presenting self, our face. Although responding defensively to a face-threatening attack may seem logical, over time, defensiveness erodes relationship stability (Lannin et al., 2013). (Again, recall the discussion of Gottman's "Four Horsemen" in Chapter 12.) To understand how defensiveness operates, imagine what might happen if an important part of your presenting self were attacked. For instance, suppose an instructor criticized you in front of the class for making a mistake. Or consider how you would feel if a friend called you self-centered or your boss labeled you as lazy. You would probably feel threatened if these attacks were untrue. But your own experience will probably show that you sometimes respond defensively even when you know that others' criticism is justified. For instance, you have probably responded defensively at times when you did make a mistake, act selfishly, or cut corners in your work (Zhang & Stafford, 2008). In fact, we often feel most defensive when criticism is right on target

Recognition

the simple but important indication that you're aware of the other person. This can be done nonverbally—for example, by making eye contact or offering a smile. It can also be done verbally, with phrases such as "Glad to see you" or "I'll be right with you." On the other hand, avoiding eye contact can send a negative message. Consider what it's like when a store clerk fails to nonverbally signal that you're waiting for service (Harjunpaa et al., 2018). One national retailer strives to greet customers within "ten feet and ten seconds" of walking in, believing those moments to be vital in creating customer loyalty (Gallo, 2012).

aggressiveness

the tendency to attack another person's character, background, or identity (Xie et al., 2015). Unlike argumentativeness, aggressiveness demeans the worth of others and is corrosive to relationships (Roper et al., 2017). Name-calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering—and even some types of humor (Bishop et al., 2012)—all are methods of "winning" disagreements at others' expense. Communication research has linked aggressiveness to a host of negative outcomes such as lowered self-esteem, occupational burnout, juvenile delinquency, depression, violence, and even mortality (Rancer & Avtgis, 2014). Aggressiveness is often learned in one's family (Aloia, 2018). It's especially dangerous when mixed with alcohol (Eckhardt et al., 2019). -bullying