Ch. 8 Communicating in Intimate Relationships (Dialectical Tensions)
dialectical tensions
conflicts between two important but opposing relational needs or desires. three dialectical tensions in particular often arise: 1. autonomy vs. connection 2. openness vs. closedness 3. predictability vs. novelty
communication privacy management (CPM) theory
explains how people in relationships negotiate the tension between disclosing information and keeping it private
family of origin
family in which one grows up, usually consisting of parents and siblings
family of procreation
family one starts as an adult, usually consisting of a spouse or romantic partner and children
family stories
family stories give families a sense of their history, express what family members expect of one another, and reinforce connections across different generations
family roles
functions people serve in the family system. roles during conflict episodes: 1. blamer 2. placater (peacemaker) 3. computer (logic reason) 4. distracter
infidelity
having romantic or sexual interaction with someone outside of one's romantic relationship
contempt
hostile behavior in which people insult each other and attack the other's self-worth
emotional communication
important part of most romantic relationships marked by: 1. positive vs. negative emotion 2. reciprocity level of negative emotions
terminating stage
relationship is officially deemed to be over
stagnating stage
relationship stops growing and the partners feel as if they are just "going through the motions"
obsessive relational intrusion (ORI)
repeated and unwanted pursuit and invasion of one's sense of physical or symbolic privacy by another person, either stranger or acquaintance, who desires and/or presumes an intimate relationship
family rituals
repetitive activities that have special meaning for a family
defensiveness
seeing oneself as a victim and denying responsibility for one's behaviors
intimacy
significant emotional closeness experienced in a relationship, whether romantic or not
polygamy
state of having two or more spouses at once
investment
the commitment of one's energies and resources to a relationship, particularly resources such as time, energy, and attention
commitment
the desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens. intimate relationships usually include some level of: 1. emotional commitment 2. social commitment 3. legal and financial commitments
integrating stage
a deep commitment has formed, and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity; their lives become integrated
role
a pattern of behavior that defines a person's function within a group, such as family
communication behaviors in romantic relationships
1. conflict 2. privacy 3. emotional communication 4. instrumental communication
Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (warning signs for separation or relational dissolution)
1. criticism 2. contempt 3. defensiveness 4. stonewalling
strategies for managing dialectical tensions
1. denial 2. disorientation 3. alternation 4. segmentation 5. balance 6. integration 7. recalibration 8. reaffirmation
Mark Knapp's relationship dissolution stages model
1. differentiating 2. circumscribing 3. stagnating 4. avoiding 5. terminating
romantic relationship common expectations
1. exclusive 2. voluntary 3. based on love and attraction 4. composed of opposite-sex partners
family relationship characteristics
1. genetic ties 2. legal obligations 3. role behaviors
Mark Knapp's relationship development stages model
1. initiating 2. experimenting 3. intensifying 4. integrating 5. bonding
family configuration
1. nuclear 2. blended 3. single-parent
family communication issues
1. roles 2. rituals 3. stories 4. secrets
conflict
an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals. couples classification based on how they handle conflict: 1. validating couples - stay calm when discussing 2. volatile couples - expressions of negative emotion 3. conflict-avoiding couples - most problems will solve themselves 4. hostile couples - frequent and intense conflict
confirming messages
behaviors that convey how much a person is valued. types of confirming messages: 1. descriptive - communicate support 2. inquiry orientation - invite others to cooperate 3. spontaneity - messages free of hidden motives 4. empathy - express understanding and interest 5. equality - seek others' viewpoints 6. provisional - convey points of view but invite for alternative views
disconfirming messages
behaviors that imply a lack of respect or value for others types of disconfirming messages: 1. evaluative - convey judgements 2. control - impose ideas 3. strategy - trying to direct others' behaviors 4. neutrality - indifference or lack of interest 5. superiority - speaker superior to its listeners 6. certainty - speaker's ideas are absolutely true and no other viewpoints are valid
monogamy
being in only one romantic relationship at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside that relationship
instrumental communication
communication about day-to-day topics such as who is making dinner and who is taking the children to soccer practice
criticism
complaints about another person or the person's behavior
family secrets
information the family considers private and innappropriate for sharing with outsiders, such as details of religious practices, health or legal issues, family conflicts, or financial information
divorce
legal discontinuation of a marriage
circumscribing stage
partners begin to decrease the quality and quantity of their communication with each other
differentiating stage
partners begin to view their differences as undesirable or annoying
avoiding stage
partners create physical and emotional distance from each other
bonding stage
partners make a public commitment to each other
experimenting stage
people converse to learn more about each other
initiating stage
people meet and interact for the first time
intensifying stage
people move from being acquaintances to being close friends
interdependence
the state in which what happens to one person affects everyone in the relationship
arranged marriage
type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by their parents
stonewalling
withdrawing from a conversation