Ch. 8 Communicating in Intimate Relationships (Dialectical Tensions)

dialectical tensions

conflicts between two important but opposing relational needs or desires. three dialectical tensions in particular often arise: 1. autonomy vs. connection 2. openness vs. closedness 3. predictability vs. novelty

communication privacy management (CPM) theory

explains how people in relationships negotiate the tension between disclosing information and keeping it private

family of origin

family in which one grows up, usually consisting of parents and siblings

family of procreation

family one starts as an adult, usually consisting of a spouse or romantic partner and children

family stories

family stories give families a sense of their history, express what family members expect of one another, and reinforce connections across different generations

family roles

functions people serve in the family system. roles during conflict episodes: 1. blamer 2. placater (peacemaker) 3. computer (logic reason) 4. distracter

infidelity

having romantic or sexual interaction with someone outside of one's romantic relationship

contempt

hostile behavior in which people insult each other and attack the other's self-worth

emotional communication

important part of most romantic relationships marked by: 1. positive vs. negative emotion 2. reciprocity level of negative emotions

terminating stage

relationship is officially deemed to be over

stagnating stage

relationship stops growing and the partners feel as if they are just "going through the motions"

obsessive relational intrusion (ORI)

repeated and unwanted pursuit and invasion of one's sense of physical or symbolic privacy by another person, either stranger or acquaintance, who desires and/or presumes an intimate relationship

family rituals

repetitive activities that have special meaning for a family

defensiveness

seeing oneself as a victim and denying responsibility for one's behaviors

intimacy

significant emotional closeness experienced in a relationship, whether romantic or not

polygamy

state of having two or more spouses at once

investment

the commitment of one's energies and resources to a relationship, particularly resources such as time, energy, and attention

commitment

the desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens. intimate relationships usually include some level of: 1. emotional commitment 2. social commitment 3. legal and financial commitments

integrating stage

a deep commitment has formed, and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity; their lives become integrated

role

a pattern of behavior that defines a person's function within a group, such as family

communication behaviors in romantic relationships

1. conflict 2. privacy 3. emotional communication 4. instrumental communication

Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (warning signs for separation or relational dissolution)

1. criticism 2. contempt 3. defensiveness 4. stonewalling

strategies for managing dialectical tensions

1. denial 2. disorientation 3. alternation 4. segmentation 5. balance 6. integration 7. recalibration 8. reaffirmation

Mark Knapp's relationship dissolution stages model

1. differentiating 2. circumscribing 3. stagnating 4. avoiding 5. terminating

romantic relationship common expectations

1. exclusive 2. voluntary 3. based on love and attraction 4. composed of opposite-sex partners

family relationship characteristics

1. genetic ties 2. legal obligations 3. role behaviors

Mark Knapp's relationship development stages model

1. initiating 2. experimenting 3. intensifying 4. integrating 5. bonding

family configuration

1. nuclear 2. blended 3. single-parent

family communication issues

1. roles 2. rituals 3. stories 4. secrets

conflict

an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals. couples classification based on how they handle conflict: 1. validating couples - stay calm when discussing 2. volatile couples - expressions of negative emotion 3. conflict-avoiding couples - most problems will solve themselves 4. hostile couples - frequent and intense conflict

confirming messages

behaviors that convey how much a person is valued. types of confirming messages: 1. descriptive - communicate support 2. inquiry orientation - invite others to cooperate 3. spontaneity - messages free of hidden motives 4. empathy - express understanding and interest 5. equality - seek others' viewpoints 6. provisional - convey points of view but invite for alternative views

disconfirming messages

behaviors that imply a lack of respect or value for others types of disconfirming messages: 1. evaluative - convey judgements 2. control - impose ideas 3. strategy - trying to direct others' behaviors 4. neutrality - indifference or lack of interest 5. superiority - speaker superior to its listeners 6. certainty - speaker's ideas are absolutely true and no other viewpoints are valid

monogamy

being in only one romantic relationship at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside that relationship

instrumental communication

communication about day-to-day topics such as who is making dinner and who is taking the children to soccer practice

criticism

complaints about another person or the person's behavior

family secrets

information the family considers private and innappropriate for sharing with outsiders, such as details of religious practices, health or legal issues, family conflicts, or financial information

divorce

legal discontinuation of a marriage

circumscribing stage

partners begin to decrease the quality and quantity of their communication with each other

differentiating stage

partners begin to view their differences as undesirable or annoying

avoiding stage

partners create physical and emotional distance from each other

bonding stage

partners make a public commitment to each other

experimenting stage

people converse to learn more about each other

initiating stage

people meet and interact for the first time

intensifying stage

people move from being acquaintances to being close friends

interdependence

the state in which what happens to one person affects everyone in the relationship

arranged marriage

type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by their parents

stonewalling

withdrawing from a conversation