Ch 9.2, 9, 6.1, 6.2, 6.3, 7 &5.2
Erotic lovers:
focus on the physical and particularly the sexual aspects of the relationship
"You Messages"
"You Messages" are at the heart of aggressive communication They seek to accuse, control and attack others Example: "Why didn't YOU call??"
Develop three statements for each vignette that respond to the speaker in each by:
(a) Showing Empathy: "I understand you may be feeling... (b) Seeking Clarification: Ask a question that shows that you are making a good effort to understand where the person is coming from, what they are trying to say, why they feel the way they do (c) Providing Non-Evaluative Feedback: "What I hear you saying is..."
Hanging out & Hooking up
- In recent years more young people are involved in hanging out and hooking up before dating • Hanging out refers to casual and sometimes spontaneous getting together of groups • Hooking up refers to anything from kissing to sexual intercourse between two people who are not committed to each other
SYSTEMS THEORY-BOUNDARY REGULATION
Self disclosure is a form of boundary regulation • Two boundaries are involved: 1. Personal Boundary 2. Couple Boundary • Intimacy development means a progressive shrinking (not obliteration) of personal boundary
Examples of Mixed Messages
1. What a person says conflicts with what they said previously. 2. What a person does conflicts with what they did previously. 3. What a person says conflicts with what they do. 4. What a person says conflicts with their body language.
Top 5 Communication issues
1. Wish their partner would share his/her feelings more 2. Difficulty asking partner for what he/she wants 3. Feel that partner doesn't understand them 4. Feel that partner refuses to discuss issues/problems 5. Feel that partner makes comments that put him/her down
Process of falling in love
1. develop rapport 2. engage in self-disclosure 3. become mutually dependent 4. fulfill intimacy needs
RESPONDING TO DETERIORATION
4 types of responses: 1. Exit: withdrawal or threatened withdrawal 2. Voice: Face up to and try to talk through problems 3. Loyalty: No attempt to resolve problems, simply try to endure 4. Neglect: Refusal to face the problems and willingness to let the relationship end
Criticism
A criticism attacks the character of the person, rather than focusing on the undesired behavior It is important to complain without blame and talk about feelings using I statements that express a positive need Criticism: "You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish. Antidote: "I" statements" "I'm feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day?"
COMPANIONATE LOVE
Affection for, and commitment to, someone with whom one is deeply involved • Changes that occur when companionate love becomes dominant: • Partners stop idealizing one another and notice imperfections • May wonder if the relationship will ultimately be the satisfying experience they had expected/ hoped for • Can result in deepening of affection and commitment Companionate love exists during the passionate love • Passionate love can remain when companionate is dominant
Passive Aggressive
Appears passive on the surface but acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the- scenes Mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue Difficulty acknowledging their anger; Deny there is a problem Use sarcasm and facial expressions that don't match how they feel Usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful
Passive Style
Avoids or is unwilling to say what one thinks, feels, or wants • Does not respond overtly to hurtful or anger inducing situations • Allow grievances to build up • Creates distance rather than intimacy • Associated with: • Low self-esteem and limited expressiveness • Hurt, resentful, and anxious feelings • Failure to achieve personal goals
Assertive
Calmly and clearly state opinions, feelings, and needs without violating the rights of others. Value their own well being but also respectful of others Listen without interrupting Encourages expressiveness rather than defensiveness Facilitates intimacy between partners
COMMITMENT
Cognitive attachment to another person • Develops over time slowly • People express commitment when: 1. They move their relationship to more advanced stages 2. When they are faithful 3. When they stay in the relationship during difficult times
Contempt
Contempt includes statements and non-verbals that are given from a relative position of superiority Contempt: "You're an idiot." Antidote: Instead of using sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, or hostile humor, the objective is to build a culture of appreciation and respect "I'm proud of the way you handled that teacher conference."
2. Ask for Clarification & Detail
Conveys that you are making a good effort to understand Frame your question as someone trying to understand in more detail While withholding your judgment and own opinions
Are Games Effective?
Deconstructive intimacy games tend to be effective in the short run People often get what they want using these techniques- which increases their chance of being used again In the long-run though theses techniques undermine relationships Closeness and sharing suffer, resentment grows, and the relationship can ultimately be destroyed.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness includes righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in order to self-protect when there is a perceived attack. "It's not my fault that we're always late, it's your fault." Antidote: Instead of blaming your partner, it is important to accept responsibility even if only for a part of the conflict. Antidote: "Well, part of this is my problem, I need to think more about time."
Mixed Messages
Discrepancy between verbal and nonverbal components A message that can be taken in different ways Communication that sends conflicting information, verbally and/or non-verbally Receiver hears something but feels something else
The six styles of lovers
Erotic lovers Ludic lovers Storgic lovers Manic lovers Pragmatic lovers Agapic lovers
Aggressive style
Expresses feeling, opinions, and needs in a way that violates the rights of others Try to dominate, hurt, or put down the other person Focuses on the negative aspects of people rather than the negative aspects of the situation- criticizes, blames, or attacks Leaves partner feeling hurt and frustrated Creates distance in a relationship- alienation
Communication in Couples and Families
Family and couple communication is linear Better the communication skills, stronger the family relationship
Communication in Couples and Families pt.2
Family and couple communication is linear Better the communication skills, stronger the family relationship
3. Provide Non-Evaluative Feedback
Feed back the message you heard Paraphrase it in your own words what you heard and say it back to the speaker "What I hear you saying is...." Without judging the correctness or merit of what they said Allow the speaker to determine if he/she really got the message across Help prevent troublesome miscommunication
Limiting Destructive Games
Four strategies for limiting gamesmanship in relationships and maximizing true intimacy: Meta-communication: "I'm confused..." "I" Statements Avoid 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Good, Positive Communication is:
Hallmark of successful close relationships Helps connect with other people and develop genuine emotional intimacy Important in every stage of a close relationship and across the family life cycle Complex process, certain principles can help improve interactions with others
SELF-DISCLOSURE
Honest revealing of one self to another person • One of the most important mechanisms for developing intimacy • 4 types of self disclosure: 1.Sharing of emotions 2.Sharing of needs 3.Sharing of thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and even fantasies. 4.Sharing of self-awareness • Sharing these is both a result and creator of intimacy
I-message Purpose
I-messages are often used with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive Also used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than implying that they are caused by another person Are a dispute resolution opener that can be used to state how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language 4. Ask "How do you feel ... ?" 5. Discuss how you can work together to solve the problem
STAYING SINGLE
In 2006: 42% of the adult population was single • never been married, divorced or widowed • Voluntary and an Involuntary single hood • Singles offer a variety of reasons for not marrying • Preferable to being in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship • Impediment to a valued career • Mistaken belief that single people have better sex lives • Maintain personal freedom • Desire for personal growth
Family traditions and pressure
Influence our dating practices and life partner choice
An Ongoing Conversation
Intimate relationships can be viewed as an ongoing conversation A process in which the partners strive to influence and understand each other And establish consensual meanings in their life together
Manic Lovers:
Is possessive- intensely preoccupied with their partner • alternates between ecstasy and despair in the relationship • feels passion but has to cope with feelings of jealousy and fear of loss
HUMAN ATTACHMENT
JOHN BOWLBY • Believed attachment is primarily based on an infant's need for safety and security • Infants learn that their safety is best provided by a particular person and form a special relationship • Shapes our internal working models of self and others • Which impact our adult attachment in romantic relationships
Functions of Nonverbal Behavior
May complement our words May contradict our words May substitute for words May accent the verbal message May regulate communication May influence both the attitudes and behavior of others
Responding to Mixed Messages
Metacommunication: clarifying communication by communicating about communicating I'm confused... I'm unclear about... I'm not sure I understand... I'm puzzled...
C: AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
More comfortable with self-reliance than with intimacy • Somewhat uncomfortable with close relationships • Difficulty trusting people and depending on others • Effort to retain control by maintaining certain amount of distance • May feel that others want more intimacy than they are willing to provide
Attentive/ Active Listening
Most effective & efficient Lets the speaker tell the story spontaneously Without interruption Encourages rather than directs the teller Avoids misunderstanding or confusion
Propinquity
Nearness in place- we tend to be similar and like people who live near us or who are close us in some setting (neighborhood, school, and workplace)
SELF-DISCLOSURE pt 2
One of the most important mechanisms for developing intimacy • Honest revealing of one self to another person • 4 types of self disclosure: 1. Sharing of emotions 2. Sharing of needs 3. Sharing of thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and even fantasies. 4. Sharing of self-awareness • Sharing these is both a result and creator of intimacy
INTIMACY AND LIFE SATISFACTION
Our needs for intimacy differ, but we all require intimate relationships • Single individuals meet intimacy needs through: • Living with family or friends • Develop network family: supportive group of family like but noni relationships • Friendships are particularly important
PASSIONATE LOVE
Passionate Love: preoccupation and intense longing for union with a particular person • Intensely emotional • Persistent, strong sexual desire • Idealize the other • Consuming • Dominates one's life state of obsession with someone • affects your sleep patterns and you appetite.
Four Styles of Communication
Passive Aggressive Passive Aggressive Assertive
Why assortative mating?
Propinquity and Family traditions and pressure
Self silencing
Putting the needs of the the other first • Repressing emotions that might strain the relationship • Women are more likely than men to engage in self silencing • Detrimental to your health: • lower self esteem • increasing risk of depression
Three attachment styles
Secure, avoidant, and anxious-preoccupied
SYSTEMS THEORY-BOUNDARY REGULATION
Self disclosure is a form of boundary regulation • Two boundaries are involved: 1. Couple Boundary 2. Personal Boundary • Intimacy development means a progressive shrinking (not obliteration) of personal boundary
6 Dimensions of Communication
Self-Disclosure: sharing personal feelings and ideas openly Clarity: exchange of clear messages Speaking Skills: speaking for oneself and using I statements . Positive Listening Skills: seek to understand, provide empathy, ask clarifying questions, and restate what you have heard. Respect and Regard: reflect the good intentions of family members and keep communication positive
Different Motives for Sexual Behavior
Sexual relations are more than a response to the sexual drive • People also engage in sex because: • they love each other • they desire the pleasure sex brings • they conform to each other's expectations • they desire recognition and acceptance
Do opposites attract?
Social homogamy & complementary theory
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the act of the listener withdrawing from the interaction during a conflict Antidote: Rather than staying in the situation and exploding, the most productive solution is to explain to your partner that a break is necessary During the break, it is important to avoid defensive thoughts Instead, spend time doing something soothing and distracting
The meaning of love
Storge: love found between parents and their children Philia: love between friends Eros: love for someone you sexually desire Agape: love that is independent of one's feelings for another To act on behalf of the well being of someone else
Improving Listening Skills
Take the initiative in communication Resist distractions Control your emotions and your tendency to respond before your partner finishes As questions and rephrase to clarify your partner's meaning Make use of the speed of your thoughts by summarizing Practice
Styles of Poor Listening
The Faker: only pretend to be listening The Dependent Listener: primarily want to please the speaker The Interrupter: never allow the other to finish The Self-Conscious Listener: concerned primarily with their own status in the eyes of others The Intellectual Listener: make a rational appraisal of what the other has said verbally but they ignore the nonverbal cues
Attachment
The most important aspect of social development during infancy is the formation of attachment • Attachment: the positive emotional bond that develops between a child and a particular individual. • The nature of our attachment during infancy affects how we relate to others the rest of our lives.
1. Showing empathy - Acknowledge feelings
Try to determine what emotion they other person is conveying Involves listening to their statements but also looking at the "whole" message body language & tone of voice Let them know that you realize they are feeling that emotion by just acknowledging it in a sentence "I understand that you may be feeling...."
Intimacy Games - Deconstructive
Two important aspects of intimate relationships are honesty and straightforwardness Deconstructive Intimacy Games: partner conceals what they really want and attempts instead to manipulate their partner into doing something or giving something that they want
What is validation and how do we use it?
Validating means to empathetically listen (truly understanding) The act of confirming or corroborating the meaningfulness & relevance of that person. Practice active listening able to repeat back what is said. Respond appropriately. Use follow-up questions. People may not remember what you said but they will remember how you made them feel.
Verbal vs. Nonverbal Communication
Verbal Communication: spoken and written words About 50-80% of communication is Non-Verbal
Opportunities to Miscommunicate
We have multiple opportunities to miscommunicate with each other One of the difficulties is that words-even common words-do not have a standardized and single meaning that is the same for everyone The meaning that the other person imputes to your statement may be different from what you intended
UNDERSTANDING THE LOVE LANGUAGE OF OTHERS
We often express love in the same way that we receive it • Partner's can have different love styles • Try communicating love through your partner's primary love language.
LOVE IS INTOXICATING
When a person first falls in love, their brain releases chemicals including Oxytocin, Phenylethylamine, and Dopamine • The same thing happens when someone is high on drugs • People see the world through rose colored glasses • Only seeing the good and ignoring the bad • People are also preoccupied with their partner at this time
Five languages of love
Words of affirmation Acts of service Receiving gifts Quality time Physical touch
You Statements
You don't care about me at all! You're never on time! You never listen to what I have to say! You like her better than me! You care more about your job than you do about your family.
• Agapic Lovers:
acts on behalf of the well being of the other without demanding or perhaps even expecting any benefits in return • is other-focused, patient, and kind
Storgic Lovers:
have a kind of quiet affection for the other • relationship tends to develop slowly but to be stable • no overwhelming passion
Social homogamy
individuals are attracted to those who comes from a similar social and cultural background
Pragmatic Lovers:
is logical- take careful stock of the other • tries to find a partner who has a particular set of characteristics that he or she desires in another
Complementary theory
people who marry those whom they think will complement their needs
Heterogamy
relationship between two people who are dissimilar in some social and demographic characteristics (Hypergamy: relationship with someone who is from a higher socioeconomic background)
Ludic Lovers:
views love as a pleasant pastime but not something in which to get deeply involved
ATTACHMENT STYLES- what is it
• Attachment styles: patterns of relating to others and experiencing intimacy • Predict the nature and the quality of relationships, including intimacy • Recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understandour strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship • What is your attachment styles?
BREAKING UP IS NOT ALWAYS BAD
• Breaking up is difficult...usually painful • But it is not always bad • Some relationship are destructive to the individuals involved....they should break up • Break up can also open the door for personal growth and new intimate experiences
PASSIONATE LOVE IS FINITE
• Cannot last forever • Good thing because the passionate lover is consumed and might accomplish little else In his or her life • Generally within the first 5 years of the relationship, passionate love gradually yields to companionate love as the dominant form
A. ANXIOUS-PREOCUPPIED ATTACHMENT
• Effort to maintain high levels of closeness and love • They desire to "merge completely" with someone else • Feel anxious about the possibility of rejection or abandonment • Perceive a reluctance on the part of others to get close to them • Worry about a partner not staying with them or not loving them
INTIMACY
• Involves self-disclosure: sharing of personal information not ordinarily revealed because it involves risk • In a mature relationship most areas should be open for discussion and sharing • Few people are likely to share everything. People need some private space: a bit of their world that is closed to others • By expressing vulnerability and weakness we can gain support and strength from loved ones.
It is the same for communicating love to another person
• Our love language is how we tend to communicate and receive love • Gary Chapman: people speak five different emotional love languages • Identifying our primary love languages can improve our relationships
Functions of Dating
• Recreation • Intimacy and Companionship • Mate Selection • Status Attainment
PASSION
• Usually expressed with physical touch and sexual interactions which are linked to physiological arousal • Because of its intensity, passion can develop quickly but also fade quickly • When it ends person can experience withdraw symptoms such as irritability and depression
Premarital Sex
• Whether people believe that premarital sex is wrong depends on a number of factors, including age, education, race, and religion • Belief in the immorality of premarital sex has declined • Young adults (35 and younger) are more accepting of premarital sex than older adults • Double standard for men and women?
B: SECURE ATTACHMENT
• Willing to get close to others and feel secure in their relationship • Find it fairly easy to get close to romantic partners • Fairly easy to trust partner • Comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them • Don't worry frequently about a relationship getting too close or being terminated • Have higher levels of commitment and satisfaction in their relationships
STERNBERG'S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE
•Intimacy • Passion • Commitment
