Chapter 12: Managing Interpersonal Conflict
Contempt
Comments that belittles and demeans. It can take the form of name-calling putdowns or sarcastic barbs . ex. "You're a real jerk" "Oh, that was brilliant"
Steps in a collaborative problem-solving approach
1. Identify your problem and unmet needs 2. Make a date 3. Describe your problem and needs 4. Consider your partner's point of view 5. Negotiate a solution 6. Follow up the solution
Collaborating (Win-Win)
A conflict management style that seeks win—win solutions. "Our Way"
Avoiding (Lose-Lose)
A lose—lose conflict style in which the parties ignore the problem at hand. "No Way"
Accommodating (Lose-Win)
A lose—win conflict style in which the communicator submits to a situation rather than attempts to have his or her needs met. "Your Way"
Defensiveness
A reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility and counterattacking. ex. "You're crazy—I never do that" "You're worse about that than I am"
Symmetrical Conflict Style
A relational conflict style in which both partners use the same tactics.
Complementary Conflict Style
A relational conflict style in which partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors.
Competing (Win-Lose)
A win—lose approach to conflicts that seeks to resolve them in one's own way. "My Way"
Compromising (Partial Lose-Lose)
An approach to conflict resolution in which both parties attain at least part of what they wanted through self-sacrifice. "Half Way"
Conflict
An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
Gottman's "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling
Basic aspects of a conflict
Expressed struggle Perceived incompatible goals Perceived scarce resources Interdependence Interference from the other party
Criticism
These are attacks on a person's character. ex."You're so thoughtless—you never think of anyone but yourself"
Stonewalling
When one person in a relationship withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue—and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way. ex. Giving the "silent treatment".