chapter 8 - communicating in intimate relationships

defensiveness

seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack, denying responsibility for your behaviors

emotional commitment

sense of responsibility for each other's feelings and emotional well being

contempt

showing a. lack of respect for the other person

intimacy

significant emotional closeness experienced in a relationship, whether romantic or not

5 strategies for improving communication within your intimate relationships

emphasizing excitement & positivity, handling conflict constructively, having realistic expectations, managing dialectical tensions

romantic relationships vary in how they handle privacy

ex: couple having a hard time getting pregnant, one wanted to tell the family, and one thinks its no ones business

when expectations are unrealistic

relationships are likely to fail, causing people to feel disappointed, hurt, or betrayed

4 communication issues families commonly encounter

roles, rituals, stories, secrets

predictability vs novelty

Predictability: the desire for consistency and stability Novelty: the desire for fresh, new experiences ex: you're in a relationship for so long that it become predictable, which can be comforting & even stale, and you long for something new, you try new activities, which refreshed the predictability of the relationship

intensifying stage

- people move from being acquaintances to being close friends - spend more time together, meet each other's friends, share more intimate info like fears, goals, secrets - increase commitment & may express it verbally

familial relationships

- provide us a feeling of belonging, sense of our own history, a measure of unconditional love & support we cannot find anywhere else - introduces us to the concept of relationships & helps us form mental models or ways to engage in friendships & romantic relationships - can be so positive & so negative - can bring both peace and conflict

role behaviors

- regardless of legal or biological ties people can take on the roles of family members. For example, a person "like a big brother" or a "little sister" - can live together, take care/love one another, representing themselves as a family to outsiders

intimate relationships

- require deep commitment - foster interdependence - require continuous investment - spark dialectical tensions

forming relationships online

- research shows people are more comfortable revealing their "true" self over the internet than in person. - the success of online relationships depends partly on whether they continue offline as well - research shows people follow largely the same steps whether forming online or face to face - wide range of options such as dating sites, social networking sites, bulletin boards, chat rooms, & MMORPGs

culture affects expectations for sexuality

- same sex marriage is legal and allowed in many countries, but not in many also (prohibited) - you can face life in prison or receive the death penalty

investment

- the commitment of one's energies and resources to a relationship - intimate relationships usually exhibit a higher degree - we expect to benefit from it, for example, we cannot retrieve the resources we've dedicated to the relationship if it comes to an end, such as drifting apart from a sibling, you can retain memories, but can't retain the time, attention, material resources invested

reasons people stay in relationships involuntarily

- they want to provide stability for their kids - their religious beliefs disallow separation or divorce - they are concerned about the financial implications of separating - they see no positive alternatives to their current relationship

romantic relationships & voluntariness

- varies by culture - choose for themselves whether to be in romantically involved, & if they decide to, they can select their partner - even if you enter into one voluntarily, people don't always stay voluntarily; many people are unhappy but stay anyways

integrating stage

- when a deep commitment has formed and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity - lives become integrated & begin to think of themselves as a pair - others start to expect to see the people together & refer to them as a couple

criticism

Complaints about another person or the person's behaviors

autonomy vs connection

autonomy: desire to be your own person connection: desire to be close to others ex: teens want to make their own decisions & find their identity, but also want to be emotionally close to their parents, craving the security

4 common communication behaviors that have a particular influence on satisfaction with a relationship

conflict, privacy, emotional, instrumental

Gottman's 4 warning signs for separation or relational dissolution

criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling

it turns out that handling conflict constructively is more about what we ___________ than what we do

don't do

types of commitments

emotional, social, financial/legal

example of interdependence

ex: the way parent's spend their money/time depends not only on themselves but also on their children's needs ex: how children perform in school & they way they treat their siblings also affects their parents

variations of romantic relationships

exclusive, voluntary, based on love, composed of opposite sex partners

family of procreation

family we start as an adult & consists of spouse or romantic partner, and/or any kids we raise as our own

most family relationships have one or more of these three important characteristics

genetic ties, legal obligations, role behaviors

circumscribing stage

happens when the partners are primarily living different lives and their conversations are increasingly limited in scope and depth

experimenting stage

have conversations and learn more about the person

initiating stage

occurs when people meet and interact for the first time

openness vs closedness

openness: the desire for disclosure & honesty closeness: desire to keep certain facts, thoughts, or ideas to yourself ex: your mom asks you how a relationship is going, you might want to confide in her to reinforce your closeness, but you also want to keep some details to respect your/your partner's privacy

differentiating stage

partners begin to view their differences as undesirable or annoying

family rituals

repetitive activities that have special meaning for a family

family of origin

the family in which one grows up, usually consisting of parents and siblings

bonding

the partner's make a public announcement of their commitment to each other - ex: moving in together, getting engaged, having a commitment ceremony - also allows people to gain the support & approval of people in their social networks

genetic ties

- "by blood" - we typically share 0% of genes with spouses, step relatives, adopted relatives, but consider them to be family - sharing genes makes two people biological relatives, it does not mean they share a social or emotional relationship

romantic relationships & sexuality

- all kinds value intimacy & equality - experience conflict, seek emotional support from friends or family, both negotiate how to accomplish mundane needs such as everyday chores - people in same sex relationships report levels of satisfaction equal to those of opposite sex dating, engaged, & married

conflict

- an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals - not fun but doesn't mean it is bad - the way couples handle conflict can influence the success of their relationship

three ways that intimate relationships spark dialectical tensions

- autonomy vs connection - openness vs closeness - predictability vs novelty

romantic relationships vary in how they handle instrumental communication

- communication about day to day topics & tasks such as who is making dinner vs who is taking the kids to practice - most one of the common forms of communication & one of the most contentious issues couples face

dialectical tensions

- conflicts between two important but opposing needs or desires - common in intimate relationships - three kinds

how are romantic relationships around the world different?

- culture affects expectations for exclusivity - culture affects expectations for voluntariness - culture affects expectations for love - culture affects expectations for sexuality -

legal obligations

- ex: parents have obligations toward their minor children & neglecting to house, feed, educate, & care for them is a crime - marriage is the most heavily regulated family relationship from a legal perspective, in the US 1000+ laws govern some aspect of marriage

legal and financial commitment

- formal expressions of people's obligations to each other - one of the foundations of intimate relationships

romantic relationships & love

- in the western world, people think of marriage/romantic relationships being based on love - in individualistic societies (ex: us or Canada) people tend to believe not only that they should choose their partner, but the choice should be based on attraction/love

culture affects expectations for love

- individualistic western cultures would say they wouldn't marry someone they didn't love - in collectivistic cultures people would say yes, due to the wishes & preferences for family and social groups than it does with love, even if it isn't an arranged marriage - 50% in india & Pakistan felt love was necessary for marriage, while 96% of U.S. people did

culture affects expectations for exclusivity

- many countries primarily Africa/Southern Asia allow polygamy - some in polygamous relationships report appreciating the closeness & intimacy they share with multiple partners - others report feelings of jealousy & resentment which leads to more conflict

romantic relationships & exclusivity

- monogamy: only in one romantic relationship at a time - is an expression of commitment & faithfulness that the partners share & trust each other to uphold - infidelity: having romantic or sexual interaction with someone outside the romantic relationship & is often an emotionally traumatic experience for the wronged person

social commitment

- motivates us to spend time together, to compromise, to be generous with praise, and to avoid petty conflict - often takes the form of spending time together, to compromise, to be generous with praise, & avoid petty conflict - can also take the form of spending time with other's friends or family even if we don't enjoy their company

individual & cultural variations in relationship formation

- not every couple goes through stages the same way - may stay in the experimenting stage for a long time before moving to the intensifying stage - others may progress through the stages very quickly - others may go as far as the integrating stage but put off the bonding stage - research shows the stages of relational development to be similar in same sex & opposite sex relationships

interdependence

- our actions influence other people's lives as much as they influence our own - the dependence of two or more people or things on each other - mutual dependence - since intimate relationships depend on one another, what happens to one person, or what one person does, affects everyone else too

commitment

- our desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens - assume they have a future together which is important since relationships experience conflict & distress & this allows you to believe your relationships will survive them

culture affects expectations for voluntariness

- people in western culture expect to be able to choose their own partner - in much of the world, its common for other people (usually one person's parents) to choose the partner - arranged marriage - some cases kids can reject the selection, & parents look for someone else - some cases child may be pressured to marry the parent's choice

what are the two reasons the way partners negotiate the division of everyday tasks

1) day to day tasks need to be completed, so most couples cannot leave decisions about who will do them to chance 2) the way tasks are divided often reflects the balance of power in the relationship

8 Strategies to manage dialectical tensions

1) denial: responding to only one side of the tension & ignoring the other 2) disorientation: ending the relationship in which the tension exists 3) alternation: going back and forth between the two sides of the tension 4) segmentation: dealing with one side of a tension in some aspects of a relationship & with the other side of the tension in other aspects of that relationship 5) balance: trying to compromise, or find a middle ground, between the two opposing forces of a tension 6) integration: developing behaviors that will satisfy both sides of a tension simultaneously 7) recalibration: reframing a tension so the contradiction between opposing needs disappears 8) reaffirmation: embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life

Knapp's stages that relationships go through when they end

1) differentiating 2) circumscribing 3) stagnating 4) avoiding 5) terminating

martial couples can be classified into four groups depending on how they handle conflict

1) validating couples 2) volatile couples 3) conflict avoiding couples 4) hostile couples

Stages in Knapp's model of relationship development

1. Initiating 2. Experimenting 3. Intensifying 4. Integrating 5. Bonding

satisfied couples have a __________ ratio of positive to negative communication

5 to 1

disconfirming messages

behaviors that imply a lack of respect or value for others

confirming messages

behaviors that indicate how much we value another person

4 roles that are especially common during conflict episodes, by family therapist Virginia Satir

blamer, placater, computer, distracter

avoiding stage

the stage of relationship dissolution at which partners create physical and emotional distance from each other

terminating stage

the stage of relationship dissolution at which the relationship is officially deemed to be over

stagnating stage

the stage of relationship dissolution at which the relationship stops growing and the partners feel as if they are just "going through the motions"

romantic relationships vary in how they handle emotional communication

they way they express emotion to each other can say a lot about the quality of their relationship, specifically, how satisfied the partners are with each other

stonewalling

withdrawing from a conversation or interaction