clue - wadsworth

Narrator: She charges to the door.

(blocking her efforts) I'm sorry, Mrs. Peacock. You can stay in denial, but you cannot leave this house!

Oui.

(calling off) Cook?

Narrator: Mr. Green spills champagne all over himself.

(calmly, as always) Ah. Dinner.

Narrator: Wadsworth opens the envelope and reads it privately. Professor Plum tries to get a glimpse over her shoulder. Wadsworth blocks his effort.

(having finished) Right then. Are you comfortable?

Well, I...

(interrupting) How then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering Senator Peacock's votes to certain lobbyists.

How do you... (know who I am?)

(interrupting) It is Colonel Mustard, isn't it?

Mrs. White: Yes. It said so in my letter. But, why...?

(interrupting) May I introduce you? Mrs. White, this is the maid, Yvette. (beat) I see you two know each other.

Mr. Green: There are so many of you... I didn't realize...

(interrupting) Right. Good then. You're all here. (then, swiftly paced) Colonel Mustard.

Newscaster: Time and time again, without apology or evasion, I... and many members of this administration... have stood for the rights of the individual, for free expression of convictions, even though those convictions might be unpopular, and for uncensored use of our liberties, except as dictated by common decency.

(rather intimately) Yvette?

I didn't realize we were headed to the same place until... we arrived.

(to Plum) How was your drive?

Mr. Green: Is this the right address to meet a... Mr. Boddy? (dogs bark wildly)

(to dogs) Sit!

Narrator: They all reveal their letters. Wadsworth takes the letter from Professor Plum and reads from it.

"It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mrs. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability."

Mrs. Peacock: Alright then, what's all this about, Butler? This dinner party?

"Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die."

Why? Do I look cold?

A bit.

Have what?

A crooked Senator's wife, a lascivious doctor, a disloyal republican, and so forth... not exactly adhering to an all-American standard of behavior, are you?

Mr. Green: Ha-hah! So it is true!

A double negative!

Mrs. Peacock: You're disgusting.

Are you making moral judgements, Mrs. Peacock?

All: (ad-libbing) "Yes", "Yes, that's what my letter said", "Indeed", etc.

As it turns out, you all have one thing in common.

Mrs. Peacock: Oh, for God's sake! Who was at the door?! I demand to know what's going on!

Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?

Professor Plum: But if this Boddy lady is such a noble civilian herself, then why didn't he report us to the authorities?

And give up the opportunity to make a buck? Come now, Professor. What could be more American than that?

He wasn't a very good illusionist.

And lastly, Mr. Green, who is a...

Mrs. White: It was all over the papers.

And yet he was the one who died. Not you, Mrs. White, not you.

Miss Scarlet: Yeah lady, don't we all.

Anybody else wish to deny it? (they don't) No? Okay. Until you'd received your letters, you hadn't known who was blackmailing you. But now I'm sure that, even the least discerning amongst you, has determined that the woman behind your ransom... is Mrs. Boddy herself.

Cook: Directly.

Appetizers in the Lounge. After you.

Cook: You called, sir?

Everything on schedule?

Narrator: Wadsworth opens the door to find Professor Plum smoking a pipe with Miss Scarlet smoking a long, thin cigarette standing behind him.

Good evening.

Wadsworth grandly opens the front door. Colonel Mustard, officious, stands in the doorway, shielding himself from the rain. He wears a decorated Colonel's uniform.

Good evening.

Mrs. Peacock: How d'you do?

Greetings. I am Wadsworth, the butler. (then) Tonight, as you may have surmised, nobody is being addressed by their real name. A courtesy your host has provided to ensure your privacy. I suggest you follow her lead and refrain from revealing too much about yourselves this evening. You never know when...

Narrator: Mrs. Peacock turns to give the Cook her stole, recognizes the Cook, and flinches.

I see you two know each other.

Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?

I think she meant that he had threatened, in public, to kill her.

Cook: Dinner is served.

Thank you, Cook.

Yvette: Coffee? Brandy?

Thank you, Yvette. That will be all.

Narrator: Wadsworth escorts Mrs. White to the Lounge.

I'll be right with you.

Mrs. White: Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?

I'm afraid I have no choice. We'll start with you, Professor Plum.

Mr. Green: Die?

Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Miss Scarlet: Well, well, well. And I thought I'd seen everything...

Miss Scarlet. Welcome. I didn't realize you and the Professor were acquainted.

Colonel Mustard: Present.

Miss Scarlett

Professor Plum: Rigght.

Mr. Green

Mr. Green: That's me.

Mrs. Peacock

Narrator: Mrs. Peacock enters.

Mrs. Peacock, I presume.

Miss Scarlet: Hmm.

Mrs. White

My husband is a paid consultant. There's nothing sinful about that!

Not if it's publicly declared. But if you slip cash under the stall door at Old Ebbit's Grill? How would you describe that transaction?

Narrator: As Wadsworth takes his coat, Yvette, who has wheeled on a bar cart, now pops open a bottle of champagne, startling Colonel Mustard who yelps.

Not to worry, Colonel. It's just the maid in the hall with the champagne cork.

Mrs. White: More?

Oh, yes.

Professor Plum: But we hardly know each other.

Precisely.

Mrs. White: Yes.

Professor Plum

Professor Plum: "Please arrive at 7:30 sharp on Saturday evening." Well, here I am.

Professor Plum.

Colonel Mustard: Double "negative"? You mean you have... photographs?

That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

Mr. Green: How do you mean?

There's evidence to support the question of... your politics.

Miss Scarlet: Say... what is this godforsaken place anyway?

This old place? Oh this... is Boddy Manor. (thunder, lightning) Cook. Dinner?

Yvette: Oui.

Very well then.

Narrator: Mr. Green spills his drink again.

We really oughtn't keep her waiting. Cook can get cranky. Ladies and Gentlemen, follow me. The Dining Room is right this way.

Yes. That's exactly who I am.

Welcome, sir.

Mr. Green: I don't need you to unmask me, Wadsworth. I know what you're gonna say about me!

What's that?

Miss Scarlett: Miss Wadsworth, you were saying... "you never know when"... what?

What?

Narrator: Scene Two. The Dining Room. They arrive to find a beautifully set table with seven chairs.

You'll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.

Miss Scarlet: Not me.

You're not being blackmailed?

Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

You don't need any help from me, sir. Colonel, it seems you hold a sensitive security post in the Pentagon. Those "negatives" would most certainly compromise your position.

Miss Scarlet: Why? What'd he do?

You know what male doctors aren't supposed to do with their lady patients?

Excuse me, I suppose this letter has me rather anxious.

You must be Mr. Green.

My politics?! Since when is working for the Republican party a crime?

You swore an oath of allegiance to the Republican party but neglected to vote for Eisenhower in the last election. That's grounds for an ousting if there ever was one.

Wadsworth, we've had about enough of this! Where's our host, and why have we been brought here?!

Ah, speak of the devil. Pardon me, please.

Sharp.

Ah. Right on time. You have your instructions?

Colonel Mustard: Sure, I'll eat anything. So, who is our host? Is this where she sits?

All in good time, sir.

Narrator: We hear Wadsworth's muffled voice from the hall.

All the guests have arrived as expected, sir. (then) Everything's going according to plan. (then) We'll meet you in the Study.

Mrs. White: That was his job... he was an illusionist.

But he never reappeared.

Miss Scarlet: A likely story.

But he was your second husband. Your first also disappeared.

No, it's a vicious lie!

But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers. Seems a little... sticky, no?

Colonel Mustard: That Bastard McCarthy! We're all being blacklisted, aren't we?

Close, Colonel. You're being blackmailed. (Sinister Music underscores) For some considerable time, all of you have been paying more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you.

Mrs. Peacock: Who? Oh yes! That's me.

Cook, will you please take Mrs. Peacock's stole.

Narrator: Yvette opens the Lounge door, escorting Colonel Mustard inside. Wadsworth opens the front door. Mrs. White stands, tragic and morbid, dressed in funeral clothing, guarding herself from the rain. Over her face is a mesh black veil.

Do come in, madam. You are expected. (she enters more fully) Welcome.

What?

Hm? (then, showing the way) This way please.

I expect to be treated like the wife of a...

Hold that thought. Right this way. After you, Mrs. Peacock.

Oh! For your hospitality... there's a coupla Benjamins hidden under the caramels for you, Butler.

How... sticky.

No, that's not my name. My name is Colonel...

I believe it's been recommended that tonight you use a pseudonym.

What exactly do you do?

I buttle, sir.

Whoa. This isn't at all what I expected.

I find if you expect nothing, you're never disappointed.

All: No!

In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the Study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe your newly-arrived host will reveal her intentions, your letters will be explained and... the game will be afoot.

Colonel Mustard: This place- at the head of the table- is that for you?

Indeed no, sir. I don't sit. I am merely a humble butler.

Professor Plum: It's a long haul.

Indeed, it is a long hall. But then, it's a very large house. (then) This way please.

Colonel Mustard: Are you expecting someone else?

Indeed. I'll be with you in a moment.

Miss Scarlet: Oooh, this oughta be good.

It says here you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in pathological lying lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

Miss Scarlet: I'm glad something is.

It seems the six of you have all received the same letter.

Professor Plum: Oh, out with it, Wadsworth!

Ladies and gentlemen, these instructions are clear.

Narrator: Wadsworth moves to the door. Yvette pushes off the TV. Cook exits to the kitchen.

Let the game begin.

This is an outrage!

Let's see, who's next? Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.

Oh, no thank you. I took an antihistamine before I came.

May I take your coat?

Narrator: Mr. Green frantically sits.

No. Not you, sir.

She pulls back her veil, to reveal her face.

Only that you are a socialite to be known this evening as Mrs. White.

Oh, I'm not disappointed...

Pardon me, sir.

Mr. Green: Sorry, sorry.

Please, come in.

Mrs. Peacock: My lips belong to the Lord!

Please, make yourself comfortable in the Lounge.

I think not.

Please, warm yourself in the Lounge.

Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the U.S. Government.

So your work has not changed. (then) But you can't practice medicine anymore, can you? Your license has been lifted, correct?

Mrs. Peacock: Everything has its price, Mr. Green.

So... there you have it.

Who is this Mrs. Boddy lady to you, you Brutish Butler?!

Who Mrs. Boddy is is no concern of yours. Suffice it to say, she's a supporter of the House Un-American Activities Committee- and she feels your activities have been decidedly un-American. (All begin to protest) (interrupting) My task this evening is to expose your secrets to each other rendering you all culpable in each other's indiscretions.

Yvette: Monsieur! I didn't hear you come in! You frightened me half to death!

Wouldn't want to do that. There are so many better ways to die. (then) Please turn off that noise. (Yvette turns off the TV) Is everything ready?

Yeah?

Yeah, well, he did.

Colonel Mustard: Good evening. I'm not sure I'm in the right...

Yes, indeed you are expected, Colonel.

Narrator: Mr. Green and Wadsworth share a baffled moment.

Yes, thank you, Colonel. But, there's more to it than that, Mr. Green.