COMM-218 Chapter 9

Why We Form Relationships

1) Appearance - When we first meet someone new, we often judge them based off of their physical appearance. Face images are rated as less attractive when they appear near those rated as unattractive on average. After initial impressions have passed, ordinary-looking people with pleasing personalities grow more attractive and that becomes more important than physical appearance. 2) Similarity - The strongest determinant of relationship formation is similarity to another person. It plays an important role in initial attraction, because it makes others more predictable and more likely to enjoy the same activities you do. Relationships are based on this AT FIRST, but relationships are based on compatibility THROUGHOUT. Similarity is important but compatibility is more important. 3) Complementarity - It can be understood as people who are different in their personality liking one another because they would fill in the gaps present in one another's life. Opposites actually do not attract. 4) Rewards - Social exchange theory suggests that we seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the coasts we encounter in dealing with the relationship. The rewards are any outcomes we desire, where as costs are undesirable outcomes. Rewards - Costs = Outcome. We use that formula to calculate unconsciously whether the relationship is worth our effort or not. In any relationship, there is an element of exchange. A comparison level is the minimum standard of what behavior is acceptable. A comparison level of alternatives is a comparison between the rewards one receives in their present situation and those they could expect to receive in others. 5) Competency - We like to be around talented people because we hope that their skills will rub off on us, unless they are too competent than we are uncomfortable because we look bad in comparison. We like people who are competent, but we 6) Proximity - We are more likely to develop close relationships with whom we interact with frequently or people who are physically close to us. 7) Disclosure - Telling others important information about yourself can help build liking because it shows respect and trust. The key to satisfying disclosure is reciprocity.

Relationship Models

1) Complementary - One person is dominant, one is submissive. There is accommodation and a high level of dependency. Power is dominated by one person. 2) Symmetric (Competitive) - Equality, responsibility in roles, and voice. Individual agendas may still be more significant than the success of the team. Both parties vie for power and control. 3) Parallel - Considered the healthiest relationship. Power and decision making are flexible and based on expertise and/or situation. Power shifts back and forth. Example: Create a reliable financial system based on collaboration. Interdependency is ideal.

Communicating about Relationships

1) Content and Relational Messages - Content is the subject being discussed and relational messages are the both verbal and nonverbal statements about how the communicators feel towards each other. Metacommunication is the term to describe messages that refer to other messages, and is not very common. 2) Maintaining and Supporting Relationships a) Relationship Maintenance - Some strategies of maintaining satisfying interactions in a relationship are positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks. Social media can be helpful but can be detrimental, but it is especially helpful for long-distance relationships. b) Social Support - Social support is helping others during challenging times by providing emotional (listening with empathy and responding in caring ways that are person-centered rather than minimizing or divertive), informational (recommendations), or instrumental (doing a task or favor to show you care) resources. Sometimes just being available for interaction can provide social support. Social support can also be found online, often from people whom you may never expect. Many people go online to find others that are similar, like with health problems. 3) Repairing Damaged Relationships - Types of relationship problems include outside forces, inside forces, and relational transgressions, which are when one partner violates the explicit or implicit terms of the relationship, which lets the other person down in some important way. The top three things that people look for in an apology is acknowledgement of responsibility, offer of repair, and expression of regret. Forgiving others has both personal and relational benefits. Forgiving others can be difficult, so the best way to forgive is to recall times when you have mistreated or hurt others in the past.

Three Interpersonal Needs

1) Inclusion - Activities, dialogue (to feel important). 2) Control - To make or accept decisions. 3) Affection - Verbal, nonverbal, and indirect.

Dialectical Tensions

1) Integration vs. Separation - The integration-separation dialectic represent the conflicting desires for connection and independence. Internally (within a relationship), the struggle shows up in the connection-autonomy dialectic when we want to be close to others, but at the same time we seek independence. The tension between integration and separation also operates externally, which represents the inclusion-seclusion dialectic, where a relational pair must reconcile a desire for both involvement with others outside the relationship and time together within a relationship. 2) Stability vs. Change - The stability-change dialectic acknowledges that stability is an important need in relationships, but that too much of it can lead to feelings of staleness. The predictability-novelty dialectic describes how this operates within a relationship. Although nobody wants a completely unpredictable relational partner, boredom can come when you know your partner too well. At an external level, the conventionality-uniqueness dialectic captures the challenges that people in a relationship face when trying to meet others' expectations while being true to themselves. 3) Expression vs. Privacy - The tension between disclosure and intimacy, which relies on space, creates the expression-privacy dialectic. The internal struggle between expression and privacy shows up in the openness-closedness dialectic, which balances honesty and concern for the other's feelings. The same conflicts between openness and privacy operate externally in the revelation-concealment dialectic. Strategies for Managing Dialectical Tensions - Some relationship strategies include denial (pretending to themselves and one another that the conflicts don't exist, which often builds tensions and makes things worse), compromising (compromising makes both people unhappy), alternating (alternating between one end of the dialectical spectrum to the other end depending on the occasion), compartmentalizing (compartmentalizing different areas of the relationship), accepting (accepting and embracing opposing desires), reframing (reframing opposing desires), and reaffirming (reaffirming that dialectical tensions will never disappear).

Resources

1) Love - An expression of affectionate regard, warmth, or comfort. 2) Status - An evaluative judgement conveying high or low prestige, regard, or esteem. 3) Information - Any advice, opinion, or instructions. 4) Money - Any coin or token that has some standard of exchange value. 5) Goods - Any product or objects. 6) Services - Activities on the body or belonging to the individual.

Dating Data

25% of adults in the US use online dating. The average length of dating until getting married when meeting face-to-face to marriage is 42 months, whereas the average length of dating until getting married when meeting online to marriage is 18.5 months. Average amount spent by dating site customer per year is $243. 53% of singles find a great smile to be the most attractive feature. 88% of women find money to be very important in a relationship.

Job Data

34% of Americans have $0 in their savings account. Lack of financial stability can be detrimental to relationships. A job should be good, organized, acceptable. People will crash and burn when they choose jobs for the money only. You should only put a job on your resume if it is at least 1 year. There are some exceptions, if you are in school or had an internship. 76% of resumes are discarded for an unprofessional email address. 88% rejection rate when you include a photo on your resume. A cover letter highlights your resume. Do not write "to who you may concern" on cover letter. Be specific on your cover letter. Always go to the interview with physical copies of your stuff. Network or personal connections, building experience - who have you got on your team? Letters of recommendation are important if it is a big person. Social media - Do you do things that are PC professional/unprofessional? 18.4 million applicants found their job on Facebook, 10 million found their job on LinkedIn, and 8 million found their job on Twitter. 91% of employers use social media to screen applicants. 69% are rejected a candidate for what they found on social media. The first reason why was alcohol and drugs.

College Data

50-70% of students change their major at least once. Most will change their majors at least 3 times before they graduate. The truth is that more than 5% of college graduates pursue careers that are not related to their majors. Keep in mind that most employers just want you to have degree in something. Your GPA will not prevent you from getting a job. Internships - Resume, experience, network, compensation. ALl possibly white still pursuing your degree. Companies are more likely to hire an intern because they have already invested in your training and there is less uncertainty than a new hire. You already know company and employees. Companies are more likely to hire the intern than anyone else. Go in person and introduce yourself whenever you can. Be annoyingly persistent.

Relationships of Circumstance vs. Relationships of Choice

A lot of relationships of circumstance will develop into relationships of choice. Family members can be both.

Failure Event

A violation of understanding. Cheating, lying, abuse, neglect, financial mistrust, negligence. This is what triggers the falling apart of a relationship.

Components of Relationships

Attraction (short/long term) - Sensing potential. Ability to sustain over a period of years, decades. Similarity is important but compatibility is more important. Similarity - We like those who are similar to us. Multiple studies show with people similarly dresses, personality traits, lifestyle, etc. We are attracted to our platonic friends. We like it because it reduces uncertainty. Relationships are based on this AT FIRST. Compatibility - Relationships are based on this THROUGHOUT. Complementarity - It can be understood as people who are different in their personality liking one another because they would fill in the gaps present in one another's life.

Kinds of Affection

Direct/Verbal - Disclosure, emotional expressions, compliments. Nonverbal - Hugs, kisses, eye contact, convergence in language (catch phrases). Indirect - Supportive behaviors, buying gifts, household chores, taking your friend to the airport.

Stages of Relational Development (Knapp's Model)

ESCALATING 1) Initiating - Uncertainty reduction theory. Finding out what similarities to initiate conversation. 2) Experimenting - You are still not sure yet - apprehension. 1-4 date. Limited time spent together and limited disclosure. Hangouts are structured and planned. 3) Intensifying - You become exclusive, spend more time together, have more disclosure, start seeing each other very often, and hangouts are more loosely structured. You think this person is great. You both verbally acknowledge that you like each other and tends to get exclusive. Don't try to think long-term. 4) Integrating - Identity emerges as one, vocabulary changes from me to we. You are a package deal. Introduction and spending time to families and over holidays. Living together can happen (which is typically not beneficial). "Test drive a car before you buy it" is a lie because it is very different. 5) Bonding - Marriage and wedding, which tells everyone you are off the market. Tradition and longevity. Maybe sign long-term contract. DE-ESCALATING 1) Differentiation - Start having different goals. 2) Circumscribing - Stop using as much connective talk, more individualized. Reduced everything, not as much in depth, seeing and talking to each other less. 3) Stagnation - Don't really want to be in the relationship anymore, and there is no growth or progress, but they do not act upon it. 4) Avoiding - No more physical, emotional, and mental separation. Some people don't experience this if it is against their morals to leave someone hanging. 5) Terminating - Formal exchange of information that the relationship has ended. It is more often than not a good thing, even though it is looked at as bad. Post-Interaction Stage - Lasting impact of a relationship. This can be memories, positions, artifacts, and people. This is often where people get back together. The only two situations where you should give it another shot is when an emergency occurs, or if one person moves away. You learn a lot during this stage, particularly about how much friends matter. You can experience the initiating and experimenting stage with multiple people. After that, it tends to get exclusive. There is no time frame for any of the stages.

Interview Data

In the actual interview, how do you get someone to like you in a short period of time? Make an impression, using perhaps compliments (underrated and underused), liking, and similarity. Complimenting the company is very good. The number one car salesman in the world, Joe Girard, with 6 cars a day by using personal compliments. Also keep answers concise and organized in 2-3 minute responses. Every company has a website, and the company expects you to read the website about it's history, products, bios of people, and more. Appearance is very important because of the halo effect. Women should condense their hair and put it up in a tight ponytail, minimize makeup. Men shouldn't have any facial hair and should have short hair. Clothing is important as well. What you wear to an interview is your opinion of the company. Both men and women should minimize perfume/cologne and minimize slang. You should make eye contact with your interviewer.

Uncertainty Reduction Theory

Passive strategy is just observe. Active strategy is to seek information from third party or "third party". Interactive strategy is going straight to the source, exchanging information, attempting to find similarity.

Commitment Principle

People will go to great lengths to confirm their decision or commitment. Once we make a choice, we will encounter intrapersonal/interpersonal pressure to behave consistently with that choice. Principles may be compromised in this process.

The Proximity Effect

Refers to the idea that physical and psychological nearness to others tends to increase interpersonal liking. At MIT, people's closest friends were on average 1-2 doors down.

Social Exchange Theory

The theory that our social behavior is an exchange process, the aim of which is to maximize benefits and minimize costs. In other words, Minimizing Cost + Maximizing Rewards = Best Outcome. The optimal romantic relationship is when both people feel like they are getting more return on their investment. The survival or demise of a relationship is contingent upon rewards outweighing costs. People hold standards and have expectations regarding the attractiveness of partners and the satisfaction level of relationships. People compare current relationships with potential relationships. This theory is a lot like reciprocation.

Types of Relational Transgressions

Types of relationship problems include outside forces, inside forces, and relational transgressions, which are when one partner violates the explicit or implicit terms of the relationship, which lets the other person down in some important way. 1) Minor vs. Significant - Little distance, jealousy and anger can be sweet or beneficial, but the larger doses can become serious and damaging. 2) Social vs. Relational - Social rule violations are ones that everyone knows are violations of social rules whereas relational rule violations are violations of unique norms constructed by the people involved. 3) Deliberate vs. Unintentional - You might not mean to hurt someone's feelings and you might mean to. 4) One-time vs. Incremental - A single episode can be an act of betrayal, a verbal assault, or walking out in anger, whereas incremental episodes ead to emotional withdrawal, when people retreat into themselves.