interpersonal comm exam #3

further describe geographic separation

long-distance friendships are more likely to survive when ... - friends have a sense of shared history - friends accept change as natural - friends feel a strong liking —> maintaining LDFs: - use technologies - remind each other of your affection - recount shared events/experiences - show support during big life changes - make time for each other

what is relational maintenance?

using communication and supportive behaviors to sustain a relationship

What is power and how does it influence conflict?

- Power: the ability to influence or control people and events --> Understanding power is critical for constructively managing conflict b/c people in conflict often wield whatever power they have to overcome the opposition and achieve their goals

3. Serial Arguments

- Serial arguments: a series of unresolved disputes, all having to do with the same issue --> Keep coming back b/c you are avoiding the issue - Turns into demand-withdraw patterns: one partner makes demands, the other withdraws --> Problem of not understanding the other's punctuation leads to cross-complaining and blaming the other

what aspects of culture affect differences in approaches to conflict? why?

- Strongest cultural aspect that influences your conflict approach is whether you belong to an individualistic or collectivist culture they view conflict differently - I: feel comfortable agreeing to disagree and don't necessarily see such clashes as personal attacks -->More likely to compete, react, or collaborate - C: view direct messages regarding conflict as personal attacks --> More more likely to manage conflict through avoidance or accommodation

further explain 5. social networks

- We want to integrate our partners within our social networks - Joint area of social support - Shared investment - Adds to level of commitment and investment

2. accommodation

- abandoning one's goals and acquiescing to the desires of another Occurs in power relationships people who are more powerful than you probably won't accommodate your goals during conflicts --> Lower acquiesces to higher - EX: Devil Wears Prada - Relationship with boyf is suffering - Changes her physical appearance to meet expectations - Influenced by love accommodation reflects a high concern for others and a low concern for self; you want to please the ones you love, therefore, accommodation is likely to occur in healthy, satisfied, close relationships where selflessness is characteristic

which conflict style is the best conflict style for reaching a long-term resolution and solution??

collaboration -- both parties see it as a "win-win"

define romantic relationships

it is a chosen IP involvement forged through communication in which the participants perceive the bond as romantic - A joyful fusion of closeness, communication, and sexual connection- exciting and filled with promise - We move from friendship romantic love when we both agree that we have done so; the reciprocation of agreeing that we have entered a romantic relationship - Liking and loving are separate emotional states, with different causes and outcomes ideal combination for long-term success in romantic relationships occurs when both partners like and love each other

further explain 2. assurances

* Messages that emphasize how much a partner means to you, how important the relationship is, and that describe a secure future together You use assurances when: --> You regularly tell your partner how devoted you are to your relationship --> You talk about future plans and events to be shared together --> You do & say things to demonstrate the depth of your feelings for you partner You undermine assurances when: --> You flirt with others & talk about how attractive they are in front of your partner --> You tell your partner not to count on anything long term -->You systematically avoid pledging love or fidelity to your partner (not using L word)

what are friendship rules?

* general principles prescribing appropriate communication and behavior within friendships - how does breaking rules affect friendship? which are most important? - being honest and open - offer support / seek support - listen when i'm talking - defend your friends - avoid public criticism - make friends happy - share humor - manage jealousy - maintain equity - respect privacy

friendship to romance

1. expect difference 2. emphasize disclosure 3. offer assurances

what are Destructive and Constructive Conflict Differences

Remember- conflict is not always bad --> EX: couples mainly fight about sex & money - But talking these things out can lead to better understanding of one another --> EX: Mrs. Doubtfire - Key difference between this and The Break Up fight: - No kitchen-sinking here - TBU more reactive - Issue of avoidance is addressed & how the issue will continue to exist if further avoided - He tries to make structural improvements suggests going on vacation, moving, etc. - But, there are many challenges to handling conflict well and conflicts can spark destructive communication

how might we consider handling conflict differently with men/women?

When handling conflicts with women: 1. Encourage the open expression of goals to allow for a collaborative solution 2. Avoid assuming that no conflict exists just b/c the other person hasn't voiced any concerns When handling conflicts with men: 1. Be aware of the male emphasis on competitive approaches 2. Stress collaboration 3. As you communicate, avoid personal criticism, insults, or threats that may escalate the conflict

what are the characteristics of workplace friendships

professional peers: people holding similar positions of organizational status and power - information peers: workers with whom communication is solely work-related - collegial peers: coworkers we consider friends - special peers: best friends in the workplace

Conflict Styles Model (Kilmann & Thomas) - 2 competing goals

two competing goals: 1. Concern for self: related to assertiveness 2. Concern for others: related to cooperativeness Takes approaches to handling conflict and relates them to how much assertiveness/cooperation one has

2. clashes in goals or behaviors

- At the core of all conflict is 2 opposing ideas (macro/micro scales) - Goals what religion to raise the kids - Behaviors nasty text when friend texting you a lot

Challenges to Handling Conflict

- Conflicts can spark destructive communication - Communication is irreversible once it is out there, it's out there & sometimes hard to come back from

Maintaining Relationships Across Distance

- LDRs can be more satisfying and stable --> A lot of positivity and assurances are present b/c we are trying to show our commitment/togetherness & we like to be really positive given the quick time spans we have to communicate/spend time together

Tying W & H's Suggestions for Collaboration to Conflict Resolution Styles

1. Compromise both parties change their goals to make them compatible - Ties to suggestions in the way that you should be open to compromise and negotiation of a solution instead of insisting on one - But, different from collaboration b/c this isn't exactly "win-win" 2. Integrative Agreements both sides preserve and attain their goals by developing creative solutions to the problem - Ties to suggestions in the way that it will likely lead to more long-term resolution b/c you are lead to a win-win resolution and both gain what you want

what are the 5 stages of coming apart

1. Differentiating - The beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your partner come to dominate your thoughts and communication ("I can't believe you think that!") - Most healthy romances experience occasional periods of this 2. Circumscribing - When we respond to problematic differences by ignoring them and spending less time talking - You actively begin to restrict the quantity and quality of info you exchange with your partner - Create "safe zones" in which you discuss topics that won't provoke conflict ("Let's not talk about that anymore") 3. Stagnating - When circumscribing becomes so severe that almost no safe conversational topics remain, communication slows to a standstill and your relationship enters stagnation - Both presume communication is pointless b/c it will only lead to more problems - Can be really lasting unless we then take the next step to either rebuild (intensifying and integrating) or move to ending the relationship 4. Avoiding - One or both of you decide that you no longer can be around each other, and begin distancing yourself physically - Can be done directly ("I don't want to see you anymore" or indirectly (go out when they're home, ignore calls, change FB to single) 5. Terminating - Couples might discuss past, present, future of the relationship - Exchange summary statements about the past of either accusations ("No one has ever treated me so badly") or laments ("I'll never be able to find someone as perfect as you") - Verbal and nonverbal behaviors indicating a lack of intimacy are readily apparent (physical distance/no eye-contact)

what are the drawbacks of technology in relationships?

1. Jealousy & wedging 2. Dishonesty of online self-representation

liking vs. loving

1. Liking: feeling of affection and respect, typically for friends - Affection: sense of warmth & fondness for friends - Respect: admiration for another person apart for how they treat you and communicate with you 2. Loving: deeper and more intense emotional experience consisting of intimacy, caring, and attachment - Intimacy: feeling of closeness and union between you and partner Doesn't have to be sexual - Caring: concern for partner's welfare and desire to keep him happy - Attachment: longing to be in the person's presence as much as possible

what are 3 Key Maintenance Strategies for Families

1. Positivity communicating in an upbeat & hopeful way - Do favors without being asked & gift them to show you care - Make encounters enjoyable - Avoid complaining of family problems that have no solutions, ridiculing them, whining when you don't get your way 2. Assurances expressions of how much your family means to you - EX: I miss you; I can't wait to see you - Avoid devaluing family relationships in front of others and commenting on how other families are better than yours 3. Self-disclosure sharing your thoughts & feelings and allowing your family to do the same without fear of betrayal - Treat family in consistent, trustworthy, and ethical ways - Make time for your family members

fighting dirty v. fighting fair

1. fair: - Stick to the topic - Use I-language take ownership - Responsibility + behavior -->Make behavioral complaint rather than "you're a bad person" complaint - Perspective sharing & taking - Listening - Remaining calm & rational - Postponing can be a good strategy - Coming back to it when we are not going to be so reactant 2. dirty: - You-language as a means of criticizing - Highly reactant & negative --> Attack one's character --> Yelling; screaming --> Verbal or physical aggressiveness --> Name-calling - Cross-complaining - Blame; destructive - Avoiding; ignoring - Bringing up past conflicts

what are friendship challenges?

1. friendship betrayal 2. geographic separation 3. attraction: romance & FWB relationships

friendship, culture, & gender

1. friendship expectations vary across cultures - what expectations do you have for your friends? 2. friendship and sex differences: - male & female same-sex friendships are more similar than different - Euro-American men avoid expressions of affection with other men

what are the functions of friendships?

1. fulfills our need for companionship --> friendships focus primarily on sharing time and activities together 2. helps us achieve practical goals --> agentic friendships focus primarily on achieving practical goals together

what are the features of conflict?

1. perception 2. clashes in goals/behaviors 3. process 4. dynamic

what are the 5 maintenance strategies?

1. positivity 2. assurances 3. self-disclosure 4. shared tasks and activities 5. social networks

explain the social exchange theory

* proposes that you'll feel drawn to those you see as offering substantial benefits (things you like & want) with few associated costs (things demanded of you in return) 2 factors drive whether you find someone initially attractive: 1. Whether you perceive them as offering the kind of rewards you think you deserve in a romantic relationship (affection, emotional support, money, sex) 2. Whether you think that the rewards they can offer you are superior to those you can get elsewhere - SIMPLY PUT: you're attracted to people who can give you what you want, and who offer better rewards than others - Once you've experienced attraction b/c of perceived rewards, the balance of benefits & costs exchanged by you and the partner, known as equity, determines whether a relationship will take root --> Inequity occurs when the benefits or contributions provided by one person are greater than those provided by the other ----> Overbenefited: people who get more rewards from their relationships for fewer costs than their partners - Overbenefited people experience negative emotions such as guilt ----> Underbenefited: people who get fewer rewards from their relationships for more costs than their partners - Underbenefited people experience emotions such as sadness and anger - Relationship qualities that influence and are influenced by equity and inequity: commitment, investment, satisfaction, and survival of a relationship - At the end of the day, we want equitable relationships

further explain 3. self-disclousre

- An essential part of maintaining intimacy is creating a climate of security & trust within your relationship, which allows both partners to feel that they can disclose fears and feelings without repercussions - To have self-disclosure, both must behave in ways that are predictable, trustworthy, and ethical - Should be mutual - Over time, consistency in behavior evokes mutual respect and the perception that self-disclosure will be welcomed You use self-disclosure when: --> You tell your partner about your fears & vulnerabilities --> You share your feelings & emotions with your partner --> You encourage your partner to disclose their thoughts and feelings, and offer empathy to them You undermine self-disclosure when: --> You disparage your partner's perspective --> You routinely keep important info hidden from them --> You betray your partner by sharing their secrets with others

4. Dynamic

- Because conflict unfolds over a series of exchanged messages, it is ever-changing and unpredictable - Conflicts can shift as they're occurring develops into kitchen-sinking ("throwing everything at them but the kitchen sink") --> When combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have little to do with the original disagreement EX: Break Up Clip --> Clashes in goals/behaviors = video games v. cleaning --> Dynamic topic changes (lemons, football, ballet, work) - Since conflict dynamically touches troublesome topics, you can never fully anticipate the twists and turns that will occur

Self-Enhancing Thoughts:

- Biggest challenge is our own minds --> Often don't consider long-term consequences --> Often don't perspective take - Practice critical self-reflection- Attributions --> Who am I blaming? Internal or external attributions? - Is my partner really uncooperative? Is my partner really solely to blame? - Is the conflict really due to ongoing differences, or temporary factors?

3. process

- Conflict is a process that unfolds over time - Its course is determined by the communication choices we make everything we say & do during a conflict influences everything our partner says and does & vice versa --> Verbal & nonverbal cues - Most conflicts proceed in several stages perceiving that a conflict exists, choosing an approach to handle it, and dealing with resolutions and outcomes that follow --> Conflict is not a one-time event: how you handle a conflict with someone will have consequences for your future interactions and relationship with that person

describe dating voilence

- Dating violence affects millions and knows no demographic boundaries - Sexual Violence: Victims need a safety plan: a road map of action for departing the relationship that provides you with the utmost protection - Bystander effect: a social psychological phenomenon that refers to cases in which individuals do not offer any means of help to a victim when other people are present the probability of help is inversely related to the number of bystanders - Situational model of helping: notice, interpret, take responsibility, choose action, ACT!

further explain 4. shared tasks and activities

- Important with married couples - Division of labor being big source of conflict - Having fun together and being able to do things together

further explain 1. positivity

- Includes communicating in a cheerful and optimistic fashion, doing unsolicited favors, and giving unexpected gifts - The most importantmaintenance strategy for ensuring happiness - You use positivity when: --> You try to make each interaction with your partner enjoyable --> You try to build your partner up by giving compliments --> You try to be fun, upbeat, and romantic with partner - You undermine positivity when: --> You constantly look for and complain about problems in you relationship without offering solutions --> You whine, pout, and sulk when you don't get your way --> You criticize favors & gifts from partner

what is the online disinhibition effect?

- Online Disinhibition Effect: while online, some people self-disclose or act out more frequently or intensely than they would in person - Inability to see nonverbal reactions to messages makes people less aware of the consequences of their communication choices - Result is people more likely to prioritize their own goals, minimize a partner's goals, and use hostile personal attacks in pursuit of their goals online that face-to-face

5. Unsolvable Disputes

- Part of effectively managing conflict is accepting that some conflicts are impossible to resolve --> There are some relationships that do worse for us than better - When this is the case, one must figure out what you can do with this reality as well

4. physical violence

- Physical violence is the most destructive conflict challenge --> Used if one feels like they cannot come up with another way to deal with conflict - Chilling effect: occurs when individuals stop discussing relationship issues out of fear [of partner's negative reactions] --> Frozen by fear - Avoiding violence: from perpetrator and victim's perspective --> Confronting the issue with a violent partner is not always helpful --> Seek help from other sources --> Ending the relationship may be the best solution --> Important that we consider this from violent person's perspective --> If we are inclined to violence, think about anger-management techniques to handle conflict better --> We like to empower the victim, but after the fact, and there are challenges to this & we should empower hot-blooded, dominant people to learn skills to help them to not cause that situation --> Dominance & accommodation is not consent and dominant people need to understand this

what are the characteristics of best friends?

- are typically same sex - have greater intimacy, disclosure, and commitment than close friends - provide unconditional support - share substantial activities/experiences - provide identity support for each others' valued social identities

4. Reactivity

- communicating in an emotionally explosive and negative fashion - Characterized by accusations of mistrust, yelling, crying, and becoming verbally or physically abusive - It's nonstrategic; there's no build up to it just happens - Similar to competition, reactivity is strongly related to a lack of respect --> People prone to reactivity have little interest in others as individuals and do not recognize others' desires as relevant

what are the characteristics of cross-category friendships

- defy typical friendship norms include: - cross-sex friendships - cross-orientation friendships - interethnic friendships

friendship over the life span

- friendship's role in our lives changes over time - friendship wanes for married men - friendships are most important relationships for the elderly

what are the primary strategies for maintaining friendships?

- friendships flourish only when you consistently communicate in ways that maintain them maintenance strategies for friends: 1. sharing activities - enjoying time together - "being there" when needed 2. self-disclosure - routinely making time just to talk - balancing openness with protection

1. avoidance

- ignoring a conflict, pretending it isn't happening, or communicating indirectly Takes the form of either: 1. Skirting: change topic or make a joke about it EX: you think boyf is cheating and you confront him he just laughs and says in southern accent "don't you know we'll always be together like Noah & Allie in Notebook?" 2. Sniping: communicating gin a negative fashion and make a quick jab at someone & run away from the situation - EX: Skype with brother he's nasty he logs off and you don't get a chance to respond - Avoidance is most frequently used approach to handling conflict b/c it seems easier, less emotionally draining, and lower risk than direct confrontation, but it can lead to 2 risks: 1. Cumulative annoyance: repressed irritation grows as the mental list of grievances we have against our partner builds eventually overwhelms our capacity to suppress it and we suddenly explode in anger 2. Pseudo-conflict: the perception that a conflict exists when in fact it does not - EX: you think boyf is cheating on you and you perceive all of his actions as guilty and sneaky; break up with him; invented a conflict that wasn't even there * Avoidance is common, but ineffective for long-term resolution Jefferson strategy

what is the Communication Privacy Management Theory

- individuals create informational boundaries by carefully choosing the kind of private information they reveal and the people with whom they share it - These boundaries are constantly shifting, depending on the degree of risk associated with disclosing information --> The more comfortable people feel disclosing, the more likely they are to reveal sensitive information --> Inversely, people are less likely to share when they expect negative reactions to the disclosure - In families, these boundaries are defined by family privacy rules: --> the conditions governing what family members can talk about, how they can discuss such topics, and who should have access to family-relevant info --> What we are allowed/not allowed to talk about --> Help guide members in balancing openness and protection dialectic, but can also amplify tension within families as people age

further explain passionate love

- intense emotional and physical longing for union with another --> EX: Olivia Pope & Fitz constant need for close contact (physical or communicative), expression of relationship happiness through social media or during conversations, overall sense of delight permeates their entire lives

further explain companionate love

- intense form of liking defined by emotional investment and deeply intertwined lives - Common in long-term relationships --> Long-term romantic partners become comfortable and there exists less new/separate stuff in the relationship & it turns into a friendly love --> How do we balance keep passion but also feel a deep liking for your partner

friendship and technology: cons

- is Facebook destroying friendship? --> is the breadth of our friendships deteriorating the depth of our friendships? tips for authentic connection from experts: - dont get trapped in the ease on online interaction - make a consistent effort to unplug - think broadly about what you consider affection - do something that forces eye contact

how do men & women differ when it comes to conflict?

- men & women are socialized to handle conflict differently women: - Encouraged to avoid and suppress conflict and to sacrifice their own goals to accommodate others - Consequently, have little experience in constructively pursuing their goals during a dispute men: - Learn to adopt competitive or violent approaches to conflict b/c they suggest strength & manliness - But, taught not to harm women - Thus, in conflict, face dilemma of whether to compete or avoid

further describe friendship betrayal

- most commonly reported reason for ending a friendship --> what are acts of betrayal in friendships? - avoiding and repairing betrayal --> emotion-sharing helps manage grief --> use the friendship rules as your guide --> when are friendships terminated?

friendship and technology: pros

- people who call and text their friends are more likely to seek face-to-face encounters - co-present and long-distance friendship differences in technology use? - coordination is made possible - can maintain a larger group of friends over time - friendships may be becoming less volatile because technology allows us to stay in touch

3. competition

- pursuit of one's own goals without regard for others' goals - Motivation for choosing competition: negative thoughts & beliefs, including a desire to control, a willingness to hurt others in order to gain, and a lack of respect for others -->Consequently, less likely to opt for competition when you are in conflict with someone whose needs you find interest in and whom you admire - Can trigger defensive communication: someone refusing to see your goals as important, acting superior to you, or attempting to squelch your fight by wielding power over you - Primary risk of competition is escalation: a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasingly negative and aggressive communication --> If people in conflict both choose competition, and neither is willing to back down, escalation is guaranteed

friends with benefits

- sexual activity with NO intention transform into a romantic relationship - common among college students — why? - embrace lack of commitment and satisfaction of sexual needs - despite rules, most fail

5. collaboration

- treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge - The most constructive approach to managing conflict best for long-term resolution - Often results in compromise: when everyone involved sacrifices a little bit of what they want in order to reach a mutually accepted solution - More likely to use collaboration when you respect the other person and are concerned about his or her desires as well as your own --> People who regularly use collaboration feel more trust, commitment, and overall satisfaction with their relationships than those who don't

1. perception

-Conflict occurs when people perceive incompatible goals or actions b/c conflict begins with perception, perceptual errors shape how conflicts unfold - We blame others more than we blame ourselves - We perceive ourselves as helpful & others as uncooperative

what are 3 issues that lead to conflict in relationships:

1. 1. Irritating partner behaviors - EX: annoying habit of a family member 2. Disagreement regarding relationship rules - EX: you and boyf disagree about texting exes Relationship partners often develop consistent patterns of communication for dealing with conflict that either promote or undermine their happiness Happy couples stay happy b/c they communicate in ways that facilitate happiness 3. Personality clashes - EX: you have a sunny disposition but your roommate is a complainer

Wilmot & Hocker's Suggestions for Collaboration

1. Attack problems, not people - Talk about the conflict as something separate from the people involved 2. Focus on common interests and long-term goals - Keep the emphasis on the desires you share in common, not the issue that's driving you apart 3. Create options before arriving at decisions - Be willing to negotiate a solution, rather than insist on one 4. Critically evaluate your solution - Assess if it is equally fair for both of you; can everyone live with the resolution in the long run?

what are the 2 family diabetic tensions

1. Autonomy v. connection - Need for being independent as well as being connected maintaining our family identity while maintaining our own identity 2. Openness v. protection - Deciding what we will tell & how much of it - Creates secrets in families

what 5 things are true about the experience and expression of passion

1. Breeds idealistic thinking if we're excited & physically longing for a person & that surprise element is addictive in the way that we begin to idealize - Talking about how "perfect" they are for each other and how their relationship is the "best ever" - This can be difficult b/c when we idealize, we are blind to one's flaws 2. People from all cultures feel passionate love 3. No gender or age differences exist - Men & women experience it in equal intensity - Young children can experience it 4. Integrally linked with sexual desire 5. Negatively related to relationship duration - Intense, passionate, sexual relationship doesn't always prove to be the most lasting one - Longer you're with someone, less intense your passionate love will feel

what are the 2 dimensions of family communication patterns theory?

1. Conversation Orientation: degrees to which family members are encouraged to discuss a variety of topics High: --> Openness; disclosure; breadth/depth of topic; quantity & quality of communication interact often & openly --> Everyone encouraged to have input, as it is essential to an enjoyable and rewarding family life --> EX: Weasley family shares everything at the dinner table Low: --> Less interaction --> Talk about less things in less depth 2. Conformity Orientation: degree to which families believes communication should emphasize similarity or diversity High: - Strong leadership; parents rule the household & kids should align with parents beliefs - Uniformity of thought - Prioritize family relationships over outside ones - Expected to sacrifice personal goals for sake of family --> EX: Dursley family everybody should be doing things the same way Low: - Communicate in ways that emphasize differences in their attitudes, values, or beliefs

what are the 6 romantic love styles

1. Eros- beauty & sexuality - Description: Romantic lovers - Attributes of love: Sentimental, romantic, idealistic, committed - Erotic lover focuses on beauty and physical attractiveness - Particularly sensitive to physical imperfections in the ones they love 2. Ludus- entertainment & excitement - Description: Game-playing lovers - Attributes of love: Uncommitted, fun, played like a game - Love is not to be taken too seriously - Ludic lover retains a partner only as long as the partner is interesting and amusing - EX: John Tucker Must Die 3. Storge- peaceful & slow - Description: Friendly lovers - Attributes of love: Stable, predictable, rooted in friendship - Lacks passion & intensity - They are set out to establish a companionable relationship with someone they know and share interests with 4. Pragma- practical & traditional - Description: Practical lovers - Attributes of love: logical, rational, and founded in common sense - Pragma lovers want compatibility and a relationship in which their important needs and desires will be satisfied 5. Mania- elation & depression - Description: Obsessive lovers - Attributes of love: intense, tumultuous, extreme, and all consuming - Characterized with extreme highs and lows - They love intensely, but become extremely jealous and obsessive 6. Agape- compassionate & selfless - Description: Forgiving lovers - Attributes of love: patient, selfless, giving, and unconditional - Unconditional love for people, even if there is no close ties - It is a spiritual love with no concern for personal gain

what are 6 key characteristics of a family

1. Families posses a strong sense of family identity - Created by how they communicate - The way you talk with your family members, the stories you exchange, and even the manner in which members of your family deal with conflict all contribute to a shared sense of what your family is like 2. Families use communication to define boundaries - Both inside the family and to distinguish family members from outsiders - Some restrict physical access to the family like dictating who your child can marry - Some may welcome friends as unofficial members, such as an aunt who isn't biologically related to your parents 3. Emotional bonds underlying family relationships are intense and complex - Family members typically hold both warm and antagonistic feelings toward one another 4. Families share a history - Such histories can stretch back for generations and feature family members from a broad array of cultures - These histories often set expectations regarding how family members should behave - Families also share a common future: they expect to maintain their bonds indefinitely - Everything you say & do becomes a part of your family history, shaping future interactions and determining whether your family relationships are healthy or destructive 5. Family members may share genetic material - This can lead to shared physical characteristics as well as similar personalities, outlooks on life, mental abilities, and ways of relating to others --> Such similarities may include shyness & aggressiveness, which studies suggest are influenced by genes 6. Family members juggle multiple and sometimes competing roles - Within your family, you're not just a daughter, but perhaps a sibling, spouse, or aunt - Each role carries varying expectations and demands which makes communicating competently within families challenging

what communication processes help to create a family identity?

1. Family stories: narrative accounts shared within a family that retell events and bond family together - Help create and promote a unique family identity by teaching people about their role in the family and about the family's norms, values, and goals - powerful images of family relationships --> EX: family storytelling as a nightly ritual about anything from how parents met to children's childhood stories - Not always positive stories of abuse, abandonment, etc. 2. Family rituals: patterned interactions, traditions, and celebrations

what are Family Relationship Challenges

1. Hurtful Messages hurtfulness, intent, intensity --> What variables are used to understand hurtful messages? --> How seen in sibling relationships? (lecture) 2. Stepfamily Transitions --> Key challenges & suggestions ? 3. Inter-parental Conflict 4. Holidays - what tensions are present during the holidays? Family Relations during the Holidays and how we can manage expectations and conflict - wall street journal article and communication current article included here

how can you be aware and accommodate to these differences when handling conflicts across cultures?

1. If you are an I fighting with a C: - Recognize C's like mediators to help maintain harmony - Use indirect messages like "maybe? or "possibly" when interacting in conflict with collectivist cultures - If C doesn't recognize that a conflict exists, let it go 2. If you are a C fighting with an I: - Understand I's usually separate conflict from people; it's not personal just b/c you're fighting - Use assertive style & be direct "I" messages - Manage conflicts when they arise even if you want to avoid them

what are the 5 Stages of Coming Together

1. Initiating - Sizing up a person you just met or noticed - Assess visual information (physical attractiveness, body type, age, gender, clothing, posture) to determine whether you find him attractive - Primary concern at this stage is to portray yourself in positive light - Present a greeting you deem appropriate 2. Experimenting - Exchanging demographic info (names, majors, hometowns) peeling away 1st layer of onion - Dominated by small talk; safe communication - Many relationships don't go beyond this stage 3. Intensifying - Occurs when we begin feeling stronger feelings of attraction - You & your partner begin to reveal previously withheld info depth is intensified, peeling away more of onion - Become a "we" & begin to use terms of endearment - Expressions of physical attraction snuggling, hand-holding - Here is where we see if we are similar to the other person (birds-of-a-feather) - Here we see if there is a reciprocal liking 4. Integrating - You & partner's personalities seem to become one - This integration is reinforced through sexual activity and the exchange of belongings (clothing, music, photos) - Feelings of belonging; sharing space --> EX: toothbrush at boyf's house - Activities you do together clearly signify you as a couple - Individual identity tension could arise (autonomy v. connection) more difficult to separate 5. Bonding - A public ritual that announces to the world that you and your partner have made a commitment to each other public validation & institutionalization of a relationship - Marriage is the most known ritual of such bonding

Approaches to conflict as situated on Kilmann and Thomas's conflict styles graph:

1. Low assertiveness/Low cooperation: avoidance - Low concern for self & others - Why: ignoring a conflict, pretending it isn't happening, or communicating indirectly; neither assertive nor cooperative 2. High assertiveness: competition - High concern for self - Why: --> Competition: pursuit of one's own goals without regard for others' goals 3. Compromise in the middle - Balanced concern for self & others - Collaboration: treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge - Why: sacrifice a little bit of what you want in order to reach a mutually accepted solution 3. High cooperation: accommodation High concern for others Why: abandoning one's goals and acquiescing to the desires of another

what are the benefits of technology in relationships?

1. Maintaining long-distance relationships 2. Establish virtual proximity to attractive others by befriending them on social media 3. Can assess prospective partner's similarity to you and rewards he could offer by interacting through texting or checking their online profiles 4. Can asses physical attractiveness by viewing their online photos

what are the 6 types of families (structurally)

1. Nuclear family - A wife, husband, and their biological or adopted children - Structural definition: legal, biologically binding families - Used to be the most common in North America but now have become a minority - The most limiting in terms of not being inclusive 2. Extended family - When relatives such as aunts, uncles, parents, children, and grandparents live together in a common household - In many cultures this is more common 3. Stepfamily - At least one adult has a child or children from a previous relationship - Often called "blended" or "remarried" families 4. Cohabiting family - Couples living together prior to marriage 2 unmarried, romantically involved adults living together in a household, with or without children - Increasing in Western societies 5. Single-parent family - Only 1 adult resides in the household, possessing sole responsibility as caregiver for the children 6. LGBT family

what are 4 family communication patterns?

1. Pluralistic: high conversation; low conformity - Noted for joint decision making; everybody has a say - Communicate openly & in depth - Don't control other member's beliefs or attitudes - Deal directly with conflict & resolve in productive, mutually beneficial ways - Tend to be highly satisfied; highest rate of conflict resolution 2. Consensual: high conversation; high conformity - High disclosure, attentive listening, frequent expressions of caring, concern, and support toward one another - Encourage sharing their views as well as debate these beliefs, but at same time, expected to share a single viewpoint; make clear that 1 perspective is acceptable --> We talk a lot, but we better agree - High conformity = perceive conflict as threatening --> Address conflicts as they occur and seek to resolve as constructively as possible to preserve family unity 3. Protective: low conversation; high conformity - Less breadth & depth of conversation not a lot of expression of why we have the rules that we do, but more like "because I said so" - Parent-child power differences firmly enforced & children are expected to quietly obey - Communication functions to maintain obedience & enforce family norms - Little value of exchanging ideas - Avoid conflict b/c it threatens conformity - Facts: daughters more likely to develop maladaptive eating disorders in protective families 4. Laissez-faire: low conversation; low conformity - Less satisfied - Few emotional bonds exist, resulting in low levels of caring, concern, and support expressed - Lack of interaction & disinterest - Parents believe children should be independent thinkers & decision makers derives from lack of interest in their kid's thoughts and decisions - If conflict arises, it's avoided or (if they feeling strongly about the issue) they compete to win the debate

what are the 4 characteristics of power?

1. Power is always present - Power is present in all IP encounters - Power may be balanced or imbalanced --> Balanced symmetrical relationships result --> Imbalanced complementary relationships result * Dyadic Power Theory: people with only moderate power are most likely to use controlling communication --> B/c their power is limited, they can't always be sure they're going to get their way so they feel more of a need to exercise power in noticeable ways 2. Power can be used ethically or unethically - Power itself isn't good or bad- it's the way people use it that matters - Many marriages, family relationships & long-term friendships are complementary (imbalance of power) one person controls more resources and has more decision-making influence that the other --> But the person in charge uses his power only to benefit other person in the relationship - In other relationships, the powerful partner wields his power unethically or recklessly --> EX: boss threatens to fire her employee unless he sleeps with her 3. Power is granted - Power doesn't reside within people it is granted by individuals or groups who allow another person or group to exert influence over them --> EX: invite parents to stay with you for weekend they say we are staying longer & you accept you are granting them power to decide their departure date without your input 4. Power influences conflict - If you strip away the particulars of what's said and done during most conflicts, you'll find power struggles underneath - People struggle to see whose goals will prevail, and they wield whatever power they have to pursue their own goals - Power struggles rarely lead to mutually beneficial solutions

what are the 5 factors that influence romantic attraction?

1. Proximity - Being in one another's presence frequently - Mere exposure effect: we are attracted to people who are exposed to us; people we see frequently & have a lot of contact with 2. Physical Attractiveness - We feel drawn to those who are physically attractive - Beautiful-is-good effect: we tend to think attractive people are competent communicators, intelligent, well-adjusted, responsible - Matching: we tend toward matching less likely to form relationships with those we judged as substantially different from ourselves in terms of physical attractiveness --> EX: Heffner & 24 y/o supermodel we attribute it to external factors b/c the relationship does not make sense in our mind 3. Similarity - Birds-of-a-feather: scientific evidence that we are attracted to those we perceive as similar to ourselves in terms of personalities, values, interests, likes, dislikes, etc. --> People we view as similar to us are less likely to provoke uncertainty - Opposites attract cliché is not exactly correct, unless you share similarities in personality and values and don't share minor things like likes/dislikes of less important things like music tastes 4. Reciprocal Liking - Whether the person we're attracted to makes it clear, through communication and other actions, that the attraction is mutual - Potent predictor of attraction to others b/c we are attracted to people who are attracted to us 5. Resources - Unique resources that another person offers, including sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, supportiveness, and whether the person seems fun --> These attributes are viewed as valuable both by straight & gays Power plays a role * Social Exchange Theory: proposes that you'll feel drawn to those you see as offering substantial benefits (things you like & want) with few associated costs (things demanded of you in return)

what are the 5 types of power currencies?

1. Resource currency: includes material things such as money, property, and food - Possessing material things that someone else needs or wants gives you resource power over them - Parents have nearly total resource power over young kids b/c they control all the money, food, shelter, clothing children need or want 2. Expertise currency: compromises special skills or knowledge - The more highly specialized and unique the skill or knowledge you have, the more expertise power you possess 3. Social network currency: linked with a network of friends, family, and acquaintances with substantial influence - Others may value a person with social network currency ability to introduce them to people who can land them jobs, "talk them up" to potential romantic partners, or get them invitations to exclusive parties 4. Personal currency: personal characteristics such as beauty, intelligence, charisma, communication skill, sense of humor that people consider desirable - Even if you lack resource, expertise, and social-network currency, you can still achieve a certain degree of influence and stature by being beautiful, athletic, funny, or smart 5. Intimacy currency: when you share a close bond with someone that no one else shares - If you have a unique intimate bond with someone- a lover, friend, or family member- you possess intimacy power over that person, and they may do you a favor "only b/c you are my best friend"

what are 2 romantic relationship challenges

1. Romantic betrayal: an act that goes against expectations of a romantic relationship and as a result causes pain to a partner; any behavior that violates norms of loyalty and trustworthiness - Common examples of betrayal: 1. Sexual infidelity: engaging in sexual activity with someone else 2. Emotional infidelity: developing a strong romantic attachment to someone else 3. Deception: intentional manipulation of info 4. Disloyalty: hurting your partner to benefit yourself - Betrayal is intentional makes people feel devalued/not loved & respected Likely to occur during avoidance 2. Jealousy: a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship - Combination of emotions: anger, fear, and sadness - Effects of technology: --> Jealously especially plagues users of social media, as it opens possibility for people other than your partner to post provocative photos, write enticing wall posts, and send alluring messages all of which can trigger your partner's jealousy --> Jealousy can intensify even further if site users engage in wedging: using online communication to try to insert oneself between 2 romantic partners --> Most effective way to deal with jealousy is self-reliance: allowing yourself to feel jealous but not letting whatever sparked jealousy to interrupt you

what are the 5 Forms of Short Term Conflict Resolution?

1. Separation: sudden withdraw of one person from the encounter - Similar to avoidance approach - Conflict will mingle but short-term separation may be helpful in that it could bring about a long-term solution 2. Domination: when one person gets their way by influencing the other to engage in accommodation - Leads to win-lose situations - Similar to competition approach desire to have control over another person - Strongest predictor of domination is the power balance of those involved - EX: Devil Wears Prada 3. Compromise: both parties change their goals to make them compatible - Both parties abandon original desires, and neither feels completely happy about it - Typically results from people using a collaborative approach & is most effective when people are respectful, have equal power, & don't consider their clashing goals b/c this can foster mutual resentment & regret - Different from collaboration approach b/c this isn't exactly "win-win" - EX: couple- 1 wants to go on vacation but other has an obligation, cut vacation short (1 loses conference time; 1 loses vacation time) 4. Integrative agreements: both sides preserve and attain their goals by developing creative solutions to the problem - Similar to collaboration approach - Will likely lead to more long-term resolution b/c you are lead to a win-win resolution and both gain what you want 5. Structural agreements: developing a better understanding of your relationship Talk about change; make rules; think about the relationship and how it's playing out in order to avoid future conflict Only likely to occur when those involved control their negative emotions and handle the conflict collaboratively

what are the different definitions of a family?

1. Structural Definition the makeup/type of family 2. Task oriented Definition primary roles in families --> Provider; caretaker; nurturer 3. Transactional definition subjective feelings & history --> Become even more subjective in terms of what makes us feel like a family

2. Destructive Messages

1. Sudden-death statements: declare the sudden end of a relationship - EX: The Break Up fight was reactive and resulted in a break up - EX: Mrs. Doubtfire is less of a sudden-death statement & is more of a structural improvement --> Can think about ending a relationship as a structural improvement separating is the best way to handle the conflict in terms of preserving a decent relationship for the kids involved 2. Dirty secrets: honest information that is meant to hurt the recipient - You-cant-take-it-back-once-you-said-it kind of thing --> EX: "I never really loved you anyway" --> EX: "I cheated on you" --> EX: "no one really likes you" 3. Kitchen-sinking: hurling insults that have nothing to do with the original disagreement 4. Gunny sacking: storing and dumping grievances - Past conflicts

3 maintenance strategies for LDRs

1. Use technology to communicate 2. Focus on positivity and assurances - Keep your interactions upbeat and filled with discussions of shared future plans and dreams - Lots of intimacy & disclosure 3. Avoid expectations of perfection regarding eventual reunion - Expect a significant period of adjustment

what are the approaches to handling conflict?

1. avoidance (skirting, sniping, cumulative annoyance, pseudo-conflict) 2. accommodation 3. competition 4. reactivity 5. collaboration

which approaches are short-term and long-term?

1. avoidance (skirting, sniping, cumulative annoyance, pseudo-conflict)-- (short-term) 2. accommodation -- (short-term if doesn't fully solve the problem. but long-term if both parties are content with the solution) 3. competition -- (short-term) 4. reactivity -- (long-term) 5. collaboration -- (long-term)

what are the two types of romantic love?

1. passionate love 2. companionate love

define friendship & its key components

1. voluntary - we choose our friends 2. driven by shared interests - "we like to do things together" 3. defining feature is self-disclosure - build intimacy by revealing and sharing things about ourselves 4. rooted in liking - we feel affection for our friends 5. volatile - easy to end

what are the 6 Key Elements of Romantic Relationships

1.Perception - A romantic relationship exists whenever the 2 partners perceive that it does - As perceptions change, so does the relationship - If partners' perceptions differ (one feels romantic and other does not) they do not have a romantic relationship 2. Diversity - Romantic relationships exhibit remarkable diversity in the ages and genders of the partners, as well as in their ethnic and religious backgrounds and sexual orientations --> EX: partner might be more of a game-player & you're more of the Eros --> EX: sex make up [male/male; male/female; trans] - Despite this diversity, most relationships function in a similar manner 3. Choice - We enter into romantic relationships through choice, selecting not only with whom we initiate involvements, but also whether and how we maintain these bonds - Thus, contrary to widespread belief, love doesn't "strike us out of the blue" or "sweep us away" 4. Commitment - Romantic relationships often involved commitment: a strong physiological attachment to a partner and an intention to continue the relationship long into the future - Positive outcomes come from commitment to a partner leads couples to work harder on maintaining their relationships, resulting in greater satisfaction & reduces likelihood to sexually cheat when separated by geographic distance - Stereotype that men are "commitment-phobic" is false both men & women view commitment as an important part of romantic relationships 5. Tensions - When we're involved in intimate relationships, we often experience competing impulses (tensions) between our selves and our feelings toward others, known as relational dialectics - 3 forms of relational dialectics: 1. Openness v. protection as relationships become more intimate, we naturally exchange more personal information with partners, but while we want to be open, we want to keep certain aspects of our selves (our most private thoughts and feelings) protected 2. Autonomy v. connection we choose to form romantic relationships mostly out of a desire to bond with another, yet, if we feel so connected that our individual identity seems to dissolve, we may choose t pull back and reclaim some autonomy 3. Novelty v. predictability clash between our need for stability and our need for excitement and change 6. Communication - Romantic involvements are forged through IP communication - By interacting with others online, over phone, face-to-face, we build a variety of relationships- some of which blossom into romantic love - And once love is born, we us IPC to foster and maintain it

further describe attraction in friendships

3 ways to cope with attraction: 1. mental engagement (repress the attraction) 2. romantic involvement — get together 3. "friends-with-benefits" (FWB) arrangement

what are some suggestions for handling conflict online?

5 Suggestions: 1. Wait and reread when you receive messages that triggers a conflict, don't respond right away - Avoids communicating when anger is at peak - Provides opportunity for reassessment of possibly finding your initial interpretation was mistaken 2. Assume the best and watch out for the worst presume sender meant well but couldn't express themselves competently 3. Seek outside counsel before responding, discuss situation offline with someone who knows you well & whose opinion you trust for an additional viewpoint 4. Weigh your options carefully consider carefully the consequences associated with engaging or avoiding the conflict - Will responding escalate or resolve the conflict if I answer right now? 5. Communicate competently in response, use "I" language, appropriate emoticons, express empathy and perspective-take, encourage the sharing of relevant thoughts & feelings, and make clear your willingness to negotiate mutually agreeable solutions - Most importantly: start & end your message with positive statements instead of attacking other person's viewpoint

how do we define family?

a network of people who share their lives over long periods of time and are bound by marriage, blood, or commitment; who consider themselves as family; and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning in a family relationship

define conflict

a process that occurs when people perceive that they have incompatible goals or that someone is interfering in their ability to achieve their objectives

what is power currency?

a resource that other people value possessing or controlling a valued resource gives you influence over individuals who value that resource