Looking Out Looking in Final

The two key ingredients in successful self-disclosure are reciprocity and timing. True/False?

True

Some examples of guessing about specifics might consist of what sorts of inquiries?

"So you object to the language I used in writing the paper. Was my language too formal?" "Okay, I understand that you think the outfit looks funny. What's so bad? Is it the color? Does it have something to do with the fit? The fabric?" "When you say that I'm not doing my share around the house, do you mean that I haven't been helping enough with the cleaning?"

Sometimes soliciting more info from a critic isn't enough. What do you do, for instance, when you fully understand the other person's criticism and still feel a defensive response on the tip of your tongue? You know that if you try to defend yourself you'll wind up in an argument; on the other hand, you simply can't accept what the other person is saying about you. What is the solution?

Agree with the critic! (In virtually every situation you can honestly accept the other person's point of view while still maintaining your own position.)

What are some examples of asking what the critic wants?

Alex: "I can't believe you invited all those people over without asking me first! Barb: "Are you saying you want me to cancel the party?" Alex: "No, I just wish you'd ask me before you make plans."

disconfirming message; messages that have more than one meaning, are very vague, ex. "Will you help me move my piano?" "Uh, probably." "On Saturday?" "Maybe. Bye!"

Ambiguous response

What is the definition of conflict?

An expressed struggle between *at least two interdependent parties* who *perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.*

What are the five main components of effectively seeking more information from a critic?

Asking for specifics, guessing about specifics, paraphrasing the speaker's ideas, asking what the critic wants, and asking about the consequences of your behavior

Why do many readers object to the idea of asking for details when they are criticized?

Because they often confuse the act of *listening open-mindedly* to a speaker's comments with *accepting* the comments. (After you realize that you can listen to, understand, and even acknowledge the most hostile comments without necessarily accepting them, it becomes much easier to hear another person out. If you disagree with a person's criticism, you will be in a much better position to explain yourself after you understand the criticism. )

Ritualized, stock responses to social situations. Opposite of self-disclosure. Examples: "How are you doing?" "Fine!" "We'll have to get together soon!". Can serve as codes for messages we don't usually express directly, such as "I want to acknowledge your presence" (when we walk by one another), as well as "Let's keep the conversational light and impersonal; I don't feel like disclosing much about myself right now." (Degree of self-disclosure)

Cliches

The goal of __________ is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved. Not only do the partners avoid trying to "win" at the other's expense, but they also believe that by working together, it is possible to find a solution that goes beyond a ere compromise and allows all parties to reach their goals.

Collaborating

__________ gives you just the right answer for your unique problem--and that answer might be the one that neither party thought of or expected before __________. By tailor making ______-______ solutions, you can tailor-make a way of resolving your conflicts that everyone can live with comfortably.

Collaboration, collaborating, win-win

__________ communication describes messages that convey valuing, and ___________ communication describes those that show a lack of regard.

Confirming, disconfirming. (In one form or another, confirming messages say "you exist", "you matter", "you're important". By contrast, disconfirming communication signals a lack of regard. They say: "I don't care about you", "I don't like you", "you're not important to me. Additionally, in essence, the climate (positive or negative) of a relationship is shaped by the degree to which the people believe themselves to be valued by one another)

The second dimension of self-disclosure is the ______ of information volunteered, the shift from relatively impersonal messages to more personal ones.

Depth

One way to measure _________ is by how far it goes on two of the dimensions that define self-disclosure.

Depth (Some revelations are certainly more significant than others. Consider the difference between saying "I love my family" and "I love you." Other revelations qualify as deep disclosure because they are *private*. Sharing a secret that you've told to only a few close friends is certainly a revealing act of self-disclosure, but it's even more revealing to divulge information that you've never told anyone.)

The social penetration (penetration, heh heh) model consists of what two, main components? ________ and ________. Depending on these two components, a relationship can be either _________ or _________. (Write answers separated by commas.)

Depth, breadth, casual, intimate

Messages that float somewhere between confirming and disconfirming messages; they say, "You're wrong" in one way or another. Some disagreeing messages can be quite hostile at first, but others aren't so disconfirming as they might first seem.

Disagreeing messages

messages that convey devaluing; they say "You're not important", "I don't care about you", "You don't matter"

Disconfirming messages

a way that disconfirming messages reinforce one another; one disconfirming messages leads to another; it grows and grows until it reaches an all-out war

Escalatory conflict spiral

Not all ______ qualify as self-disclosure. They must fit the criteria of being intentional, significant, and otherwise not known. _______ like these can be meaningful in themselves, but they also have a greater significance in a relationship. Disclosing important information suggests a level of trust and commitment to the other person that signals a desire to move the relationship to a new level. (Same answer for both ______'s). (Degree of self-disclosure.)

Facts

A complementary conflict style can be problematic for couples, but a symmetrical one will not be. True/False?

False

Constant self-disclosure is a useful goal for those of us trying to improve a relationship True/False?

False

Direct aggression is described as physical attacks and swearing, but does not include teasing or nonverbal gestures True/False?

False

Gender is the most important variable in determining conflict style True/False?

False

In a symmetrical conflict style, the partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors True/False?

False

Physical intimacy is obviously the best type of relational intimacy True/False?

False

When we are trying to decide whether a relationship with another person is no longer "worth the effort," we are using the social exchange formula. True/False?

True

It's important to request specific information of a critic even if a part of you don't want to know.

False (It's important to request specific information only when you *genuinely* want to learn more from the speaker because asking under any other circumstances will make matters only worse.)

Every conflict can be solved by the win-win approach, true or false?

False (There are some conflicts that definitely cant be resolved with a win-win approach. For example, only one suitor can marry the prince or princess, and only one person can be hired for the advertised job. Furthermore, it's impossible to reach a win-win solution when your partner refuses to cooperate. Most of the time, however, good intentions and creative thinking can lead to outcomes that satisfy everyone's needs.)

Confirming and disconfirming messages can be described as straight forward, black and white, and generally not open to interpretation. True or false?

False. (Like beauty, the decision about whether a message is confirming or disconfirming is up to the beholder. For example, comments that the sender might have meant to be helpful ["I just wanted to tell you this for your own good ..."[ could easily be regarded as a disconfirming attack.)

Fourth level of self-disclosure, and generally, the most revealing one. May appear to be the same as opinions, but there is a big difference. "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind" = opinion. "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind, and I'm suspicious.

Feelings

Whereas acknowledging others means you are interested in their ideas, endorsement means that you agree with them True/False?

True

disconfirming message; have lots of chiches and never really respond to the speaker, ex. "Someone broke into my house last night." "Well, that life's. You live and you learn."

Impersonal response

Communication researchers have identified seven types of disconfirming messages. What are they?

Impervious Responses, Interrupting, Irrelevant Responses, Tangential Responses, Impersonal Responses, Ambiguous Responses, Incongruous Responses

disconfirming message; doesn't acknowledge the other's message, essentially, it's ignoring the other person

Impervious response

Disconfirming message - Contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other. Often at least one of these messages is nonverbal. (Ex: A. Darling, I love you. B. I love you, too. (Said in a monotone voice while watching TV)

Incongruous response

disconfirming message; speaking over someone; occasional interruption is seen as fine, causes problems when it becomes routine as it can show a lack of concern about what the other person has to say.

Interrupting

disconfirming message; a comment that is completely unrelated to what the person just said, ex. "I had a terrible day" "Hey, we need to talk about the weekend"

Irrelevant response

These two social psychologists created the social penetration model. What are their names?

Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor

One way to look at the important part that self-disclosure plays in interpersonal communication is by means of a device called the ________ ________.

Johari Window (Imagine a frame that contains everything there is to know about you: your likes and dislikes, your goals, your secrets, your needs--everything. Of course, you aren't aware of everything about yourself. Like most people, you're probably discovering new things about yourself all the time. To represent this, we can divide the frame containing everything about you into two parts: the part you know about and the part you don't know about. We can also divide this frame containing everything about you in another way. In this division, one part represents the things about you that others know, and the second part represents the things about you that you keep to yourself. When we impose these two divided frames one atop the other, we have a *Johari Window*.

A __________ attitude is disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern and implies that the welfare of the other person isn't very important to you. This perceived indifference is likely to promote _________, because people do not like to think of themselves as worthless, and they'll protect a self-concept that regards them as worthwhile.

Neutral, defensiveness

Part 1 of the Johari Window represents the information of which both you and the other person are aware. This part is your _______ _______. Part 2 represents the _______ ________: information of which you are unaware but of which the other person is aware. You learn about information in the blind area primarily through feedback from others. Part 3 represents your _______ _______: information that you know but aren't willing to reveal to others. Items in this hidden area become public primarily through ________ - _______, the focus of chapter 9. Part 4 represents information that is ________ to both you and others.

Open area, blind area (information of which you are unaware but of which the other person is aware - you learn about information in the blind area primarily through feedback from others), hidden area (information that you know but aren't willing to reveal to others. Items in this hidden area become public primarily through self-disclosure, which is the focus of chapter 10.) , unknown (at first the unknown area seems impossible to verify. After all, if neither you nor others know what it contains, how can you be sure it exists? We can deduce its existence because we are constantly discovering new things about ourselves. It is not unusual because we are constantly discovering new things about ourselves. It is not unusual to discover, for example, that you have an unrecognized talent, strength, or weakness.) (maybe add a visual of the window)

More revealing than facts and cliches. If you know where the speaker stands on a subject, you can get a clearer picture of how your relationship might develop. Likewise, every time you offer a personal ________, you are giving others information about yourself. (Degree of self-disclosure)

Opinions

Stating your intentions is an important element of a clear message True/False?

True

Another strategy to draw out confused or reluctant speakers is to __________ their thoughts and feelings. __________ is especially good in helping others solve their problems; and because people generally criticize you because your behavior creates some problem for them, the strategy is especially appropriate at such times.

Paraphrase, paraphrasing. (One advantage of paraphrasing is that you don't have to guess about the specifics of your behavior that might be offensive. By clarifying or amplifying what you understand critics to be saying, you'll learn more about their objections. A brief dialogue between a disgruntled customer and an especially talented store manager using paraphrasing might sound like this: Customer: The way you people run this store is disgusting! I just want to tell you that I'll never shop here again. Manager (Reflecting the customers feeling) It seems that you're quite upset. Can you tell me your problem? Customer: It isn't my problem; it's the problem your saleaspeople have. They seem to think it's a great inconvenience to help a customer find anything around here. Manager: So you didn't get enough help locating the items you were looking for, is that it? Customer: Help? I spent twenty minutes looking around in here before I even talked to a clerk. All I can say is that it's a hell of a way to run a store. Manager: So what you're saying is tha tthe clerks seemed to be ignoring the customers? Customer: No. They were all busy with other people. It just seems to me that you ought to have enough help around to handle the crowds that come in at this hour. Manager: I understand now. What frustated you most was the fact that we didn't have enough staff to serve you promptly. Customer: That's right. I have no complaint with the service I get after I'm waited on, and I've always thought you had a good selection here. It's just that I'm too busy to wait so long for help. Manager: Well, I'm glad you brought this to my attention. We certainly don't want loyal customers going away mad. I'll try to see that it doesn't happen again. (This conversation illustrates two advantages of paraphrasing. First, the critic often reduces the intensity of an attack after he or she realizes that the complaint is being heard. Often criticism grows from the frustration of unmet needs, which in this case was partly a lack of attention. As soon as the manager genuinely demonstrated interest in the customer's plight, the customer began to feel better and was able to leave the store relatively calm. And even in situations where this sort of reflective listening isn't completely successful, there's still another benefit that makes the strategy worthwhile. In the sample conversation, for instance, the manager learned some valuable information by taking time to understand the customer. The manager discovered that there were certain times when the number of employees was insufficient to help the crowd of shoppers and also that the delays at these times seriously annoyed at least some shoppers, thus threatening a loss in business)

How does the role of perception influence disconfirming messages?

Perception influences disconfirming messages in a number of ways: Like beauty, the decision about whether a message is confirming or disconfirming is up to the beholder - some comments that may seem hostile to outsiders may be perfectly normal to you. ("Sup *****", "How's it hanging, retard?", "I missed you, dickless".) Likewise, a comment that the sender might hav emeant to have been helpful ("I'm telling you this for your own good...") could easily be regarded as a disconfirming attack. Ultimately, perception plays a huge role in shaping how we interpret not only disconfirming messages, but all types of messages as a whole. After-all, the climate of any given relationship (which would partly be shaped by the various messages we convey to one another) is defined as the degree to which the people in the relationship *BELIEVE* themselves to be valued by one another.

The Gibb categories define behaviors that can improve or hurt the communication climate True/False?

True

There are two main ways to effectively respond to criticism, what are they?

Seeking more information and agree with the critic

Collaborating (Win-Win)

Seeks win-win solutions to conflicts. Shows a high degree for concern for both themselves and others. Rather than trying to solve problems "my way" or "your way" their focus is on "our way".

Abstract attacks such as "you're being unfair" or "you never help out" are two examples of a situation in which you should probably ask for __________ from your critic.

Specifics

disconfirming message; uses part of the other's message to change the topic, ex. "What color do you want to paint the walls?" "We shouldn't paint the room until we move the piano. Will you help me move it?"

Tangential response

What's the most revealing level of self-disclosure?

The most revealing level of self disclosure are feelings - which are above opinions, facts, and cliches. at first glance, feelings might appear to be the same as opinions, but there is a big difference. "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind" is an opinion. Now, notice how much we learn about the speaker by looking at 3 different feelings that might accompany this statement. "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind, *and I'm suspicious*" "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind, *and I'm angry*" "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind, *and I'm hurt*"

Some disclosing messages tell more about us than others. What is one method to measure the depth of certain disclosing messages?

The social penetration model

The experimenting stage of interpersonal relationships is characterized by small talk. True/False?

True

The social penetration model represents both the breadth and the depth of your self-disclosure with another person True/False?

True

A full-fledged conflict will not occur unless the individuals involved try to prevent one another from achieving their goals True/False?

True

According to your text, we are more attracted to people who are good at what they do but admit their mistakes. True/False?

True

Endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message True/False?

True

Lies may help us avoid embarrassment True/False?

True

One researcher concluded that close relationships "may be the single most important source of life satisfaction and emotional well-being, across different stages and cultures." True/False?

True

Since ambiguous responses leave your partner unsure of your position, they would likely be interpreted as disconfirming True/False?

True

Small talk typically occurs during the initiating stage of an interpersonal relationship. True/False?

True

Being ignored can be more disconfirming than being dismissed or attacked. Additionally, in marriage, ignoring a partner (sometimes called "stonewalling") has been identified as a strong predictor of divorce. True or false?

True (Also, in the working world, research shows that employees sometimes nudge unwanted coworkers to quit their jobs by avoiding interaction with them, creating a chilling communication climate.)

It might seem crazy to invite more criticism, but sometimes asking about other complaints from a critic can uncover the real problem. True or false?

True (If you can keep your defensiveness sin check, probing further can lead the conversation to issues that are the source of the critic's real dissatisfaction.)

Opinions like "I really like Karen", "I don't think you're telling me what's on your mind", and "I used to think abortion was no big deal, but lately I've changed my mind" usually reveal more about a person than facts and cliches. True or false?

True (If you know where a speaker stands on a subject, you can get a clearer picture of how your relationship might develop. Likewise, every time you offer a personal opinion, you are giving others information about yourself.)

In instances where you are failing to learn the specifics of another's criticisms - either because they can't define precisely the behavior they find offensive, or because they don't want to tell you - it is generally wise to try and learn more about what is bothering the critic by guessing at the specifics of a criticism. True or false?

True (In a sense, you become both detective and supsect, the goal being to figure out exactly what "crime" you have committed. Like the technique of asking for specifics, guessing must be done with goodwill if it's to produce satisfying results. You need to convey to the critic that for both your sakes you're truly interested in finding out what is the matter. After you have communicated this intention, the emotional climate generally becomes more comfortable because, in effect, both you and the critic are seeking the same goal.)

The most fundamental act of confirmation is to recognize the other person. True or false?

True (Recognition seems easy and obvious, and yet there are many times when we don't respond to others on this basic level. Failure to return an email or phone message are common examples. Of course, this lack of recognition may simply be an oversight, but if the other person perceives you as avoiding contact, the message has the effect of being disconfirming.)

According to research, taking the win-win approach not only produces better results than a win-lose approach, but it actually tends to work too. True or false?

True (Research does show that seeking mutual benefit is a good idea and it works. For example, in a series of experiments, researchers presented subjects with a bargaining situation called "prisoner's dilemma," in which they could choose either to cooperate or betray a confederate. Although cynics might assume that the most effective strategy is to betray a partner (a win-lose approach), researchers found that cooperation is actually the best hard-nosed strategy. Players who demonstrated their willingness to support the other person and not hold grudges did better than those using a more competitive approach.)

As a rule, people criticize your behavior only when some need of theirs is not being met. One way to respond to this kind of criticism is to find out exactly what troublesome consequences your behavior has for them. True or false?

True (You'll often find that behaviors that seem perfectly legitimate to you cause some difficulty for your critic; after you have understood this, criticisms that previously sounded foolish take on a new meaning.) Ex: Neighbor A: You say that I ought to have my cat neutered. Why is that important to you? Neighbor B: Because at night he picks fights with my cat, and I'm tired of paying the vet's bills. Worker A: Why do you care whether I'm late to work or not? Worker B: Because when the boss asks, I feel obligated to make up some story so you won't get into trouble, and I don't like to lie.

If you have already asked for specifics and are still accused of reacting defensively, the problem may be in the way you ask. True or false?

True (Your tone of voice and facial expression, posture, and other nonverbal clues can give the same words radically different connotations. For example, think of how you could use the words "Exactly what are you talking about?" to communicate either a genuine desire to know or your belief that the speaker is crazy.")

Children who lack confirmation suffer a broad range of emotional and behavioral problems, whereas those who feel confirmed have more open communication with their parents, higher self-esteem, and lower levels of stress. True or false?

True. (The communication climate that parents create for their children affects the way they interact. Additionally, the satisfaction that siblings feel with one another drops sharply as aggressive, disconfirming messages increase.)

Research suggests that agreeing with the facts is highly effective in restoring a damaged reputation with a critic. True or false?

True. (You agree with your critic when the accusation is factually correct): "You're right, I'm angry." "I suppose I *was* being defensive." "Now that you mention it, I did get pretty sarcastic."

"I was feeling trapped" is communication that characterizes what dialectical tension? a. connection-autonomy b. openness-privacy c. predictability-novelty d. win-lose e. None of these choices are correct

a. connection-autonomy

Studies of intimate and aggressive relational conflict styles find that a. the pattern partners choose may reveal a great deal about the kind of relationship they have chosen b. the intimate-nonaggresive style fails to handle problems c. intimate-aggressive partners avoid conflicts d. intimacy and aggression are opposites and thus not productive topics for study e. intimacy and aggression work best in symmetrical relationships

a. the pattern partners choose may reveal a great deal about the kind of relationship they have chosen

According to your text, hinting a. is less direct than an equivocal statement b. aims to get a desired response from others c. is not considered an alternate to lying d. is not considered face-saving e. doesn't depend on the others ability to pick up the unexpected message

b. aims to get a desired response from others

To qualify as self-disclosure, a statement must a. involve feelings b. be intentional, significant, and not otherwise known c. be reciprocated by the same type of statement from a partner d. involve intimate information e. be shared privately

b. be intentional, significant, and not otherwise known

Rhonda complains to Colin that she's tired of their weekend routine. Irritated, Colin snaps back that he's tired of her complaining. Their conflict pattern reflects which of the following conflict styles? a. complementary b. symmetrical c. tangential d. conditional e. None of these answers are correct

b. symmetrical

The first dimension of the social penetration model involves the ________of information volunteered -- the range of subjects being discussed. For example, the ________ of disclosure in your relationship with a fellow worker will expand as you begin revealing information about your life away from the job as well as on-the-job information.

breadth, breadth

Evaluative language is also described as a. "me" language b. "it" language c. "you" language d. "neutral" language e. "supportive" language

c. "you" language

The term that describes the emotional tone of a personal relationship is a. mood b. tone c. climate d. environment e. foundation

c. climate

Gibb's categories provide a useful way for us to examine our a. self-concept b. patterns of self-disclosure c. defensive and supportive behaviors d. manipulative behaviors e. perceptual differences

c. defensive and supportive behaviors

The stage where partners act in old, familiar ways and no growth occurs is a. differentiation b. circumscribing c. stagnating d. avoiding e. terminating

c. stagnating

One of the best methods to use to describe your problem and needs to a partner during conflict resolution is a. paraphrasing b. perception checking c. the assertive message format d. high-level abstractions e. emotional description

c. the assertive message format

The stage where a couple might come up with "our song" is a. initiating b. experimenting c. intensifying d. integrating e. bonding

d. integrating

All of following are true about conflict, except a. conflict is natural b. every relationship of any depth at all has conflict c. conflict can be beneficial d. people typically have similar conflict styles e. b and d

d. people typically have similar conflict styles

Defensiveness is the process of protecting your a. interpretations b. sense data c. perceived self d. presenting self e. None of the above answers are correct

d. presenting self

Studies of different cultures and conflict reveal that a. assertiveness is valued worldwide b. North Americans avoid confrontation ,ore than other cultures studied c. individualistic cultures are less assertive than collectivist ones d. the assertiveness appropriate in North America would be rude and insensitive in collectivist cultures e. All of these answers are correct

d. the assertiveness appropriate in North America would be rude and insensitive in collectivist cultures

An intimate relationship a. may only exhibit one or two dimensions b. can be achieved by sharing activities c. can be created through exchanging important feelings d. can come from exchanging ideas e. All of these answers are correct

e. All of these answers are correct

Equivocating can be advantageous because it a. can save face for both the sender and receiver b. provides an alternate to lying c. spares the receiver from embarrassment d. spares the teller from feeling guilty e. All of these choices are correct

e. All of these choices are correct

The social penetration model by Altman and Taylor a. shows ways in which a relationship can be more or less intimate b. suggests how relationships can operate on superficial or more personal levels c. defines a relationship in terms of its breadth and depth d. helps identify why certain relationships are strong or weak e. All of these answers are correct

e. All of these choices are correct

Relationships a. are constantly changing b. need ongoing maintenance to keep them satisfying c. are affected by culture d. typically progress from one stage to another e. All of these choices are correct and true about relationships

e. All of these choices are correct and true about relationships

The best predictor of whether a couple will be friends after reaching the terminating stage is a. whether they have children b. whether they were friends before their emotional involvement c. whether they went to counseling d. whether communication was positive during the break-up e. b and d

e. b and d

Another term which describes the Gibb defensive category of neutrality would be a. understanding b. aggressive perception c. positive/negative balance d. displaced loyalty e. indifference

e. indifference