MINDFULNESS FOR DUMMIES PART 3

All the timings I suggest in this book are for guidance only. You can be flexible and reduce or increase the time you meditate depending on your circumstances.

. I suggest you decide, before each sitting, for how long you're going to practise meditating and then stick to your decision. You can use an alarm with a gentle ring, or perhaps a countdown timer on your phone to indicate when you've finished. This avoids having to keep opening your eyes to check whether you need to bring the mindful meditation to a close.

When dealing with difficult people, it's worth remembering you have two ways of meeting another human being.

. The first way is to see your ideas, memories, thoughts, opinions, and beliefs about that person. The other way is to actually see that person as he is, without the judgements and ideas and stories. This is meeting anew, meeting afresh, as if for the first time. Mindfulness is about meeting all experience afresh. When you connect with your senses, you're no longer in the realm of ideas, opinions, and beliefs. You're in the field of the present moment. Meeting another human being in that way you can't help but feel a warmth towards him as well as a sense of wonder.

Consider other lessons about life you can take from doing a sequence of mindful yoga or any other mindful movement.

. Think about how you cope with the more challenging poses, or how you may compare yourself with others, or how you compete with yourself.

The instructions for the kneeling posture are:

1. Begin by shaking your legs and rotating your ankles to prepare yourself for the posture. 2. Kneel on a carpet or mat on the floor. 3. Raise your buttocks up and place the kneeling stool between your lower legs and your buttocks. 4. Gently sit back down on the kneeling stool. Place a cushion on top of the kneeling stool if you haven't already done so, to make the posture more comfortable for yourself. 5. Shift your body around slightly to ensure you're in a posture that feels balanced and stable. You don't need to be overly rigid in your posture. The other position is the Burmese posture. This simply involves sitting on a cushion and placing both lower legs on the floor, one folded in front of the other

✓ Walking body scan. In this walking meditation, you gradually move your awareness up your body as you walk, from your feet all the way to the top of your head.

1. Begin by walking as you normally do. 2. Now focus on the sensations in your feet. Notice how the weight shifts from one foot to the other. 3. Continue to move your mindful attention up your body. Feel your lower legs as you walk, then your upper legs, noticing their movement. 4. Now observe the movement and sensations in the area of the hips and pelvis. 5. Continue to scan your awareness to the lower and then upper torso, then your arms, as they naturally swing to help you keep balance. 6. Observe the sensation in your shoulders, your neck, your face, and then the whole of your head. 7. Now get a sense of the body as a whole as you continue to stroll, together with the physical sensation of the breath. Continue this for as long as you wish.

To practise formal walking meditation, sometimes called mindful walking, try the following steps,

1. Decide for how long you're going to practise. I suggest ten minutes the first time, but whatever you feel comfortable with. Also choose where to practise. The first time you try it, practise walking very slowly, so a quiet room at home may be best. 2. Stand upright with stability. Gently lean to the left and right, forwards and backwards, to find a central, balanced standing posture. Let your knees unlock slightly, and soften any unnecessary tension in your face. Allow your arms to hang naturally by your sides. Ensure that your body's grounded, like a tree - firmly rooted to the ground with dignity and poise. 3. Become aware of your breath. Come into contact with the flow of each inhalation and exhalation. Enjoy breathing. Maintain a beautiful little grin on your face for the duration of this practice, if you can. 4. Now slowly lean onto your left foot and notice how your sensations change. Then slowly shift your weight onto your right foot. Again perceive how the sensations fluctuate from moment to moment. 5. When you're ready, gradually shift most of your weight onto your left foot, so almost no weight is on the right foot. Slowly take your right heel off the ground. Pause for a moment here. Notice the sense of anticipation about something as basic as taking a step. Now lift your right foot off the ground and place it heel first in front of you. Become aware of the weight of your body shifting from the left to the right foot. Continue gradually to place the rest of the right foot flat and firmly on the ground. Notice the weight continue to shift from left to right. 6. Continue to walk in this very slow, mindful way for as long as you want. When you finish, take some time to reflect on your experience.

The next time you're about to feel annoyed, angry, or sad about an expectation of yours not being met, try the following mindfulness exercise. The practice helps you to move from an emotional or verbal reaction, to a mindful and balanced response. This is how:

1. Don't speak yet. A negative reaction just fuels the fire. 2. Become aware of your breathing without changing it. Is it deep or shallow? Is it slow or rapid? If you can't feel it, just count the out-breaths from one to ten. Or just to three if that's all you have time for. 3. Notice the sensations in your body. Do you feel the pain of the unfulfilled expectation in your stomach, shoulders, or somewhere else? Does it have a shape or colour? 4. Imagine or feel the breath going into that part of the body. Feel it with a sense of kindness and curiosity. Breathe into it and see what happens. 5. Take a step back. Become aware of the space between you, the observer, and your thoughts and feelings, which are the observed. See how you're separate and therefore free of them. You're going into observer mode, taking a step back, having a bird's-eye view of the whole situation from a bigger perspective. 6. If necessary, go back to that person and speak from this wiser and more composed state of mind. Don't speak unless you're settled and calm. Most of the time, speaking in anger may get what you want in the short term, but in the long term you leave people feeling upset. Play this by ear.

This meditation is available as an audio track (Track 8) and shows you how to practise ten minutes of mindful breathing:

1. Find a comfortable posture. You can be sitting up in a chair, crosslegged on the floor or even lying down (see the later section 'Finding a posture that's right for you'). Close your eyes if you want to. And hold a charming little smile on your face if you can. This is an opportunity to be with whatever your experience is from moment to moment. This is a time for you. You don't need to achieve anything. You don't need to try too hard. You simply need to be with things as they are, as best you can, from moment to moment. Relax any obvious physical tensions if you can. 2. Become aware of the sensations of breathing. Feel your breath going in and out of your nostrils, or passing through the back of your throat, or feel your chest or belly rising and falling. As soon as you've found a place where you can feel your breath comfortably, endeavour to keep your attention there. Before long, your mind will take you away into thoughts, ideas, dreams, fantasies and plans. That's perfectly normal and absolutely fine. Just as soon as you notice that it's happened, gently smile again and guide your attention back to your breath. Try not to criticise yourself each time your mind wanders away. Instead, celebrate that you're back in the here and now. Understand that it's all part of the mindfulness process. If you find yourself criticising yourself or getting frustrated, say to yourself, 'It's okay . . . it's okay . . . gently come back to the breath.' 3. Continue to stay with the meditation, without trying to control the depth or speed of your breathing. If the breath changes, that's fine. If the breath stays the same, that's fine too. Everything's fine! 4. After ten minutes, gently open your eyes.

Practising mindfulness of breath If you find the sitting posture too uncomfortable, you can do this mindfulness exercise lying down, or in any other posture that feels right for you. Go with what you prefer rather than forcing yourself to do what I suggest.

1. Find a comfortable upright sitting posture on the floor or in a chair. 2. Remember that the intention of this practice to be aware of whatever you're focusing on, in a non-judgemental, kind, accepting and curious way. This is a time set aside entirely for you, a time to be aware and awake to your experience as best you can, from moment to moment, non-judgementally. Hold a soft, gentle smile on your face. 3. Become aware of the feeling of your breath. Allow your attention to rest wherever the sensations of your breath are most predominant. This may be in or around the nostrils, as the cool air enters in and the warmer air leaves the nose. Or perhaps you notice it most in your chest as the rib cage rises and falls. Or maybe you feel it most easily and comfortably in the area of your belly, the lower abdomen. You may feel your belly move gently outwards as you breathe in, and back in as you let go and breathe out. As soon as you've found a place where you can feel the breath, simply rest your attention there for each in-breath and each outbreath. You don't need to change the pace or depth of your breathing, and you don't even need to think about it - you simply need to feel each breath. 4. As you rest your attention on the breath, before long your mind will wander off. That's absolutely natural and nothing to worry about. As soon as you notice it's gone off, realise that you're already back! The fact that you've become aware that your mind has been wandering is a moment of wakefulness. Now, simply label your thought quietly in your own mind. You can label it 'thinking, thinking' or if you want to be more specific: 'worrying, worrying' or 'planning, planning'. This helps to frame the thought. Then gently, kindly, without criticism or judgement, guide your attention back to wherever you were feeling the breath. Your mind may wander off a thousand times, or for long periods of time. Each time, softly, lightly and smoothly direct the attention back to the breath, if you can. 5. Continue this for about ten minutes, or longer if you want to

✓ Walking with happiness. This practice is recommended by worldfamous mindfulness teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. This mindfulness exercise is about generating positive feelings as you walk. Try the following as an experiment. Have fun with it:

1. Find a place to walk by yourself or with a friend. Try to find a beautiful place to walk if possible. 2. Remember that the purpose of walking meditation is to be in the present moment, letting go of your anxieties and worries. Just enjoy the present moment. 3. Walk as if you're the happiest person on earth. Smile - you're alive! Acknowledge that you're very fortunate if you're able to walk. 4. As you walk in this way, imagine you're printing peace and joy with every step you take. Walk as if you're kissing the earth with each step you take. Know that you're taking care of the earth by walking in this way. 5. Notice how many steps you take when you breathe in, and how many you take when you breathe out. If you take three steps with each in-breath, in your mind say 'in - in - in' as you breathe in. And if you take four steps as you breathe out, say 'out - out - out - out'. Doing so helps you to become aware of your breathing. You don't need to control your breathing or walking; let it be slow and natural. 6. Every now and then, when you see a beautiful tree, flower, lake, children playing, or anything else you like, stop and look at it. Continue to follow your breathing as you do this. 7. Imagine a flower blooming under each step you take. Allow each step to refresh your body and mind. Realise that life can only be lived in the present moment. Enjoy your walking.

Follow these steps, which are available as an audio track (Track 9):

1. Loosen any tight clothing, especially around your waist or neck. You may like to remove your shoes. 2. Lie down on your bed or a mat with your arms by your sides, palms facing up, and legs gently apart. If you feel uncomfortable, place a pillow under your knees or just raise your knees. Experiment with your position; you may even prefer to sit up. You can place a blanket over yourself, because your body temperature can drop when you're still for an extended time. Hold a slight, gentle smile on your face for the duration of this practice. This helps to remind you to be kind to yourself and not to take any experience too seriously. 3. Begin by feeling the weight of your body on the mat, bed, or chair. Notice the points of contact between that and your body. Each time you breathe out, allow yourself to sink a little deeper into the mat, bed, or chair. 4. Become aware of the sensations of your breath. You may feel the breath going in and out of your nostrils, or passing through the back of your throat, or feel the chest or belly rising and falling. Be aware of your breath wherever it feels most predominant and comfortable for you. Continue for a few minutes. 5. When you're ready, move your awareness down the left leg, past the knee and ankle and right down into the big toe of your left foot. Notice the sensations in your big toe with a sense of curiosity. Is your big toe warm or cold? Can you feel the contact of your socks, or the movement of air? Now expand your awareness to your little toe, and then all the toes in between. What do they feel like? If you can't feel any sensation, that's okay. Just be aware of lack of sensation. 6. As you breathe, imagine the breath going down your body and into your toes. As you breathe out, imagine the breath going back up your body and out of your nose. Use this strategy of breathing into and out of each part to which you're paying attention (see the nearby sidebar 'Breathing into different parts of your body'). 7. Expand your awareness to the sole of your foot. Focus on the ball and heel of the foot. The weight of the heel. The sides and upper part of the foot. The ankle. Breathe into the whole of the left foot. Then, when you're ready, let go of the left foot. 8. Repeat this process of gentle, kind, curious accepting awareness with the lower part of the left leg, the knee, and the upper part of the left leg. Notice how your left leg may now feel different to your right leg. 9. Gently shift your awareness around and down the right leg, to the toes in your right foot. Move your awareness up the right leg in the same way as before. Then let it go. 10. Become aware of your pelvis, hips, buttocks, and all the delicate organs around here. Breathe into them and imagine you're filling them with nourishing oxygen. 11. Move up to the lower torso, the lower abdomen, and lower back. Notice the movement of the lower abdomen as you breathe in and out. Notice any emotions you feel here. See whether you can explore and accept your feelings as they are. 12. Bring your attention to your chest and upper back. Feel your rib cage rising and falling as you breathe in and out. Be mindful of your heart beating, if you can. Be grateful that all these vital organs are currently functioning to keep you alive and conscious. Be mindful of any emotions arising from your heart area. Allow space for your emotions to express themselves. 13. Go to both arms together, beginning with the fingertips and moving up to the shoulders. Breathe into and out of each body part before you move to the next one, if that feels helpful. 14. Focus on your neck. Then move your mindful attention to your jaw, noticing whether it's clenched. Feel your lips, inside your mouth, your cheeks, your nose, your eyelids and eyes, your temples, your forehead (checking whether it's frowning), your eyes, the back of your head, and finally the top of your head. Take your time to be with each part of your head in a mindful way, feeling and opening up to the physical sensations with curiosity and warmth. 15. Imagine a space in the top of your head and soles of your feet. Imagine your breath sweeping up and down your body as you breathe in and out. Feel the breath sweeping up and down your body, and get a sense of each cell in your body being nourished with energy and oxygen. Continue this for a few minutes. 16. Now let go of all effort to practise mindfulness. Get a sense of your whole body. Feel yourself as complete, just as you are. At peace, just as you are. Remember this sense of being is always available to you when you need it. Rest in this stillness. 17. Acknowledge the time you've taken to nourish your body and mind. Come out of this meditation gently, being aware of the transition into whatever you need to do next. Endeavour to bring this mindful awareness to whatever activity you engage in next.

Here's how to deal with potential arguments:

1. Notice the emotion rising up in your body when your partner says something that hurts you. 2. Become aware of where you feel the emotion in your body and take a few breaths. Be as kind and friendly to yourself as you can. Say to yourself, 'This emotion is difficult for me to feel right now . . . Let me gently breathe with it.' 3. Choose the words you respond with wisely from your more mindful state of mind. Perhaps begin with agreeing with part of your partner's statement. Soften your tone of voice. Let your partner know how you feel, if you can. And avoid making accusations - doing so will just feed the argument. 4. As you begin to calm down, try to be more and more mindful. Keep feeling your breathing. Or be conscious of your bodily sensations or other emotions. Gently smile if you can. This approach will make you less reactive and more likely to shift the conversation into more positive territory

Try the following exercise,

1. Place a small piece of fruit in your hand. Imagine you dropped in from outer space and have never seen or tasted this fruit before. Spend a few minutes looking at the colour and texture. Explore the creases and folds of its skin, how it catches the light as you rotate it, and how much varying detail it contains. Observe the skill in your fingers to be able to delicately hold and rotate the fruit precisely and at will. 2. Bring the fruit towards your nose. Feel the sensations in your arm as you bring the fruit towards your nose. As you breathe, notice whether the fruit has a scent, and the quality of it. Notice how you feel if the fruit doesn't have a scent. Spend a few minutes doing this. 3. Hold the fruit to your ear. Squeeze the fruit gently between your thumb and finger and listen to the sound it produces, if any. Perhaps it makes a quiet sound or no sound at all. When you've done this, bring your arm back down.4. Feel the texture of the fruit. Close your eyes to tune in to the sense of touch more deeply. Feel the shape of the object and its weight. Gently squeeze the fruit and observe whether you can get a sense of its juice. 5. Bring the fruit towards your mouth. Are you salivating? If so, your body has already begun the first stage of digestion. Touch the fruit gently onto your upper and lower lips to see what sensations you can detect. Place the fruit inside your mouth, on your tongue. Do you have a sense of relief now, or frustration? Feel the weight of the fruit on your tongue. Move the fruit around your mouth, noticing how skilled your tongue is at doing this. Place the fruit between two teeth and slowly bring your teeth together. Observe the phenomenon of tasting and eating. Spot the range of experiences unfolding, including a change in taste and the fluxing consistency of the fruit as it slowly breaks up and dissolves. Be aware of yourself chewing and how you automatically start to swallow. Stay with the experience until you've finished eating. 6. Notice the aftertaste in your mouth when you've finished eating the fruit.

The Burmese posture instructions are:

1. Shake your legs, rotate your ankles and have a stretch, however feels right for you. This helps to prepare your body to sit. 2. Place a mat or soft blanket on the ground. On top of that, place a firm cushion, or several soft cushions on top of each other. 3. Sit down by placing your buttocks on the cushion. Allow your knees to touch the ground. If your knees don't touch the ground, either use more cushions or try one of the other postures suggested in this section. 4. Allow the heel of your left foot to be close to or to gently touch the inside thigh of your right leg. Allow the right leg to be in front of the left leg, with the heel pointing towards your lower left leg. If your legs aren't that supple, adjust as necessary, always ensuring you're comfortable. 5. Invite your back to be quite straight but relaxed too. Gently rock back and forth to find the point where your head is balanced on your neck and shoulders. Tuck your chin in slightly, so the back of your neck isn't straining. 6. Place your hand on your knees, facing down or facing up with thumb and first finger gently touching. Alternatively, place a small cushion in your lap and place your hands on the cushion in any way that feels right for you. I find that the cushion helps to prevent my shoulders being dragged forwards and down. 7. Meditate to your heart's content.

With the advent of mobile technology, or a demanding career, work may be taking over your free time. And sometimes you may struggle to see how you can re-dress this imbalance. The mindful reflection below may help. Try this little reflection to help reflect on and improve your work-life balance:

1. Sit in a comfortable upright posture, with a sense of dignity and stability. 2. Become aware of your body as a whole, with all its various changing sensations. 3. Guide your attention to the ebb and flow of your breath. Allow your mind to settle on the feeling of the breath. 4. Observe the balance of the breath. Notice how your in-breath naturally stops when it needs to, as does the out-breath. You don't need to do anything - it just happens. Enjoy the flow of the breath. 5. When you're ready, reflect on this question for a few minutes: What can I do to find a wiser and healthier balance in my life? 6. Go back to the sensations of the breathing. See what ideas arise. No need to force any ideas. Just reflect on the question gently, and see what happens. You may get a new thought, image or perhaps a feeling. 7. When you're ready, bring the meditation to a close and jot down any ideas that may have arisen.

Practising the breathing space You can practise the breathing space at almost any time and anywhere. The meditation is made up of three distinct stages, which I call A, B, and C to help you to remember what to practise at each stage. The exercise doesn't have to last exactly three minutes: you can make it longer or shorter depending on where you are and how much time you have. If you only have time to feel three breaths, that's okay; doing so can still have a profound effect

1. Sit upright with a sense of dignity, but don't strain your back and neck. If you can't sit upright, try standing; even lying down on your back or curling up is acceptable. Sitting upright is helpful, because it sends a positive message to the brain - you're doing something different. 2. Practise step A below for about a minute or so, then move on to B for a minute, ending with C also for a minute - or however long you can manage: Step A: Awareness: Reflect on the following questions, pausing for a few seconds between each one: i. What bodily sensations am I aware of at the moment? Feel your posture, become aware of any aches or pains, or any pleasant sensations. Just accept them as they are, as far as you can. ii. What emotions am I aware of at the moment? Notice the feelings in your heart or belly area or wherever you can feel emotion. iii. What thoughts am I aware of, passing through my mind at the moment? Become aware of your thoughts, and the space between yourself and your thoughts. If you can, simply observe your thoughts rather than becoming caught up in them. Step B: Breathing: Focus your attention in your belly area - the lower abdomen. As best you can, feel the whole of your in-breath and the whole of each out-breath. You don't need to change the rate of your breathing - just become mindful of it in a warm, curious and friendly way. Notice how each breath is slightly different. If your mind wanders away, gently and kindly guide your attention back to your breath. Appreciate how precious each breath is Step C: Consciously expanding: Consciously expand your awareness from your belly to your whole body. Get a sense of your entire body breathing (which it is, through the skin). As our awareness heightens within your body, notice its effect. Accept yourself as perfect and complete just as you are, just in this moment, as much as you can.

Sitting on a chair You may have become accustomed to slouching on chairs. Over time, slouching causes damage to your back. You may habitually lean against the chair with an arched back and crooked neck, which isn't conducive to sitting meditation. Here's one suggestion for sitting on a chair for meditation.

1. Try putting a couple of magazines, wooden blocks, or perhaps even telephone directories underneath the back two legs of the chair. By giving your chair a slight tilt forwards, you help to make your back straight naturally, without much effort. 2. Place your feet flat on the floor, or on a cushion on the floor if the chair's too high. Your knees need to be at more than about 90 degrees so that your hips are above your knees. 3. Position your hands on your knees face down or face up, or place your hands in each other. If your hands are facing up, you may find it comfortable to allow your thumbs to gently touch each other. Some people also like to allow their hands to rest on a small cushion on their legs to prevent the shoulders dragging downwards. 4. Imagine that your head is a helium-filled balloon. Allow your head to lift naturally and gently, and straighten your spine without straining. No need to create excessive tension or discomfort. Tuck in your chin slightly. 5. Lean forwards and backwards a few times until you find the middle balance point; at this position, your head neither falls back nor forwards but is naturally balanced on the neck and shoulders. Then lean to the left and right to find the point of balance again. Now relax any extra tension in the body. If that feels good for you, you're ready to meditate! If not, take your time to adjust your body to find the right posture for yourself

Metta meditation can be a profoundly healing practice.

Be patient with yourself and practise it slowly and lovingly. Let the phrases come from your heart and see what happens.

Engaging in Mindful Movement Moving and stretching in a slow and mindful way is a wonderful preparation for more extended meditation exercises.

Movement can also be a deep formal meditation in itself, if you approach it with full awareness.

Practising loving kindness meditation Here's a guided metta meditation. Work through it slowly, taking it step by step. If you don't have the time or the patience to do all the stages, do as many as you feel comfortable with. Be gentle with yourself, right from the beginning.

1. You can practise loving kindness in a seated or lying down position. You can even practise it while walking. What's most important isn't the position you adopt, but the intention of kindness and friendliness you bring to the process. Make yourself warm and at ease. Gently close your eyes or keep them half open, looking comfortably downwards. 2. Begin by feeling your breath. Notice the breath sensation wherever it feels most predominant for you. This awareness helps create a connection between your body and mind. Continue to feel your breath for a few minutes. 3. When you're ready, see whether certain phrases arise from your heart for what you most deeply desire for yourself in a long-lasting way, and ultimately for all beings. Phrases like: May I be well. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be free from suffering. 4. Softly repeat the phrases again and again. Allow them to sink into your heart. Allow the words to generate a feeling of kindness towards yourself. If that doesn't happen, don't worry about it: your intention is more important than the feeling. Just continue to repeat the phrases lightly. Let the phrases resonate. 5. Now bring to mind someone you care about: a good friend or person who inspires you. Picture the person in your mind's eye and inwardly say the same phrases to her. Don't worry if you can't create the image clearly. The intention works by itself. Use phrases like: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering. Send loving kindness to the person using these words. 6. When you're ready, choose a neutral person: someone you see daily but don't have any particular positive or negative feelings towards. Perhaps someone you walk past every morning or buy coffee from. Again send a sense of loving kindness using your phrases: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering. 7. Now choose a person you don't get on with too well. Perhaps someone you've been having difficulties with recently. Say the same phrases again, from the mind and heart. This may be more challenging. 8. Now bring all four people to mind: yourself, your friend, your neutral person, and your difficult person. Visualise them or feel their presence. Try to send an equal amount of loving kindness to them all by saying: May we be well. May we be happy. May we be healthy. May we be free from suffering. 9. Finally, expand your sense of loving kindness outwards, towards all living beings. Plants, animals of the land, air, and sea. The whole universe. Send this sense of friendliness, care, loving kindness, and compassion in all directions from your heart: May all be well. May all be happy. May all be healthy. May all be free from suffering.

Practising mindfulness of sounds

10. Let go of mindfulness of breath and body and become aware of sounds. Begin by noticing the sounds of your body, the sounds in the room you're in, the sounds in the building, and finally the furthest sounds outside. Let the sounds permeate into you rather than straining to grasp them. Listen without effort: let it happen by itself. Listen without labelling the sound, as best you can. For example, if you hear the sound of a plane passing, or a door closing, or a bird singing, listen to the actual sound itself - its tone, pitch, and volume - rather than thinking, 'Oh, that's a plane.' 11. As soon as you notice your thoughts taking over, label the thought and tenderly escort the attention back to listening. 12. Continue listening for ten minutes or so.

Practising mindfulness of thoughts and feelings

13. When you're ready, turn your attention from the external experience of sound to your inner thoughts. Thoughts can be in the form of sounds you can hear or in the form of images you can see. Watch or listen to thoughts in the same way you were mindful of sounds: without judgement or criticism, and with acceptance and openness. 14. Watch thoughts arise and pass away like clouds in the sky. Neither force thoughts to arise nor push them away. As best you can, create a distance, a space, between yourself and your thoughts. Notice what effect this has, if any. If the thoughts suddenly disappear, see whether you can be okay with that too. 15. Imagine that you're sitting on the bank of a river, as another way of watching thoughts. As you sit there, leaves float on the surface and continuously drift by. Place each thought that you have onto each leaf that passes you. Continue to sit and observe your thoughts passing by. 16. As soon as you notice your attention get stuck in a train of thought, calmly take a step back from your thoughts and watch them once again from a distance, as best you can. (Every so often, your attention may get stuck in a train of thought; your mind just works that way.) If you criticise yourself for your mind wandering, observe that as just a thought too 17. Now try turning towards emotions. Notice whatever emotions arise, and whether they're positive or negative. As far as you can, open up to the emotion and feel it. Notice where that emotion manifests itself in your body. Is it new or familiar? Is it just one emotion or several layers? Do you feel like running away from the emotion, or staying with it? Breathe into the feeling as you continue to watch it. Observe your emotion in a curious, friendly way, like a young child looking at a new toy. 18. Continue to practise for ten minutes or so. These subtle activities take time to develop. Just do your best and accept however you feel they've gone, whether you were successful at focusing or not.

Practising choiceless awareness

19. Just be aware of whatever arises, in an expansive, receptive, and welcoming way. Put the welcome mat out for your experience. Notice whatever predominates most in your awareness and let it go again. 20. If you find your mind wandering (and it's particularly easy to get swept up and away into thoughts when practising this), come back to mindfulness of breath to ground yourself, before trying again. Become curious about what's happening for you, rather than trying to change anything. 21. Practise for about ten minutes, then begin to bring the sitting meditation to a close. Gently congratulate yourself for having taken the time to nourish your health and wellbeing in this practice, for having taken time out of doing mode to explore the inner landscape of being mode, and allow this sense of awareness to permeate whatever activities you engage in today.

Practising mindfulness of breath and body At this point, you can stop or carry on to the next stage, which is mindfulness of both breath and body:

6. Expand your awareness from a focused attention on the breath, to a more wide and spacious awareness of the body as a whole. Become aware of the whole body sitting in a stable, balanced and grounded presence, like a mountain. The feeling of breathing is part of the body, so get a sense of the whole body breathing. 7. When the mind wanders off into thoughts, ideas, dreams, or worries, gently label it and then guide the attention back to a sense of the body as a whole, breathing as in Step 4. 8. Remember that the whole body breathes all the time, through the skin. Get a sense of this whole-body breathing. 9. Continue this open, wide, curious, kind, and accepting awareness for about ten minutes - or longer if you feel like it. If certain parts of your body become uncomfortable, choose to breathe into that discomfort, and note the effect of that, or slowly and mindfully shift your bodily position to relieve the discomfort. Whatever you choose, doing it mindfully is the important bit.

Looking into the mirror of relationships Relationship is a mirror in which you can see yourself

All relationships, whether with a partner or work colleague, are a mirror that help you to see your own desires, judgements, expectations, and attachments. Relationships give an insight into your own inner world. What a great learning opportunity! You can think of relationships as an extension of your mindfulness practice. You can observe what's happening, both in yourself and the other person, with a sense of friendly openness, with kindness and curiosity. Try to let go of what you want out of the relationship, just as you do in meditation. Let the relationship simply be as it is, and allow it to unfold moment by moment.

Dealing with arguments in romantic relationships: A mindful way to greater peace

Arguments are often the cause of many difficult interactions with others, especially in romantic relationships. Romantic relationships can be both deeply satisfying and deeply painful. And they're most difficult when disagreements arise. Sometimes (or often) those disagreements turn into arguments

When practising mindful movement, tune in to the sensations of your breath as you move and hold different postures.

Become aware of thoughts and emotions that arise, notice them, and shift your awareness back to the body. Be mindful when a stretch is slightly out of your comfort zone and begins to feel uncomfortable. Explore what being at this edge of your comfort zone feels like. Notice whether you habitually drive yourself through the pain, or whether you always avoid the discomfort completely. Be curious about your relationship with movement and stretching, and bring a playful attitude to your experience

Mindful swimming

Begin with some mindful breathing as you approach the pool. Notice the effect of the water on your body as you enter. What sort of thoughts arise? As you begin to swim, feel the contact between your arms and legs and the water. What does the water feel like? Be grateful that you can swim and have access to the water. Allow yourself to get into the rhythm of swimming. Become aware of your heartbeat, breath rate, and the muscles in your body. When you've finished, observe how your body and mind feel.

Mindful cycling

Begin with some mindful breathing as you sit on your bike. Feel the weight of your body, the contact between your hands and the handlebars, and your foot on the pedal. As you begin cycling, listen to the sound of the wind. Notice how your leg muscles work together rapidly as you move. Switch between focusing on a specific part of your body like the hands or face to a wide and spacious awareness of your body as a whole. Let go of wherever you're heading and come back to the here and now. As you get off your bike, perceive the sensations in your body. Scan through your body and detect how you feel after that exercise.

Mindfulness can help you look after both yourself and others.

Being aware of your thoughts, emotions and body, as well as the things and people around you, is the starting point. This awareness enables you to become sensitive to your own needs and those of others around you, therefore encouraging you to meet everyone's needs as far as possible.

Using Mindfulness to Look After Yourself

Have you ever heard the safety announcements on a plane? In the event of an emergency, cabin crew advise you to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you help put one on anyone else, even your own child. The reason is obvious. If you can't breathe yourself, how can you possibly help anyone else? Looking after yourself isn't just necessary in emergencies. In normal everyday life, you need to look after your own needs. If you don't, not only do you suffer, but so do all the people who interact or depend on you. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish: it's the best way to be of optimal service to others. Eating, sleeping, exercising, and meditating regularly are all ways of looking after yourself and hence others.

Trying alternative walking meditations

Here are a couple of other ways of practising walking meditation that you can use while moving at your own pace:

Engaging in deep listening

Deep or mindful listening occurs when you listen with more than your ears. Deep listening involves listening with your mind and heart - your whole being. You're giving completely when you engage in deep listening. You let go of all your thoughts, ideas, opinions, and beliefs and just listen.

Finding a posture that's right for you When it comes to postures in mindfulness practice, I offer all sorts of suggestions in this section. But the key principle is the following:

Find a posture that you feel comfortable with. If you spend too much energy and experience unnecessary discomfort in a particular posture, you'll either be put off from the mindfulness practices or you'll associate mindfulness with painful experiences. There's no need for this. Mindfulness is about being kind to yourself, so be nice and comfortable when you're finding the right sitting posture for yourself. When sitting for meditation, you may like to imagine yourself as a mountain: stable, grounded, balanced, dignified, and beautiful. Your outer posture is more likely to be translated in your inner world, bringing clarity and wakefulness. Sit on a chair or on the floor, in any posture as long as you can sit with your back relatively upright so it doesn't cause too much discomfort over time.

The body scan practice is very safe. However, if the body scan brings up feelings that you can't cope with, stop and get advice from a mindfulness teacher or professional therapist

However, if you can, open up to the feelings and sensations and move in close; by giving these feelings the chance to speak to you, you may find that they dissipate in their own time.

Once you become experienced at this meditation, you can even practise it while walking.

However, remember to keep your eyes open, or you may mindfully bump into something

Using Mindfulness in Relationships

Humans are social animals. People's brains are wired that way. Research into positive psychology, the new science of wellbeing, shows that healthy relationships affect happiness more than anything else does. Psychologists have found that wellbeing isn't so much about the quantity of relationships but the quality. You can directly develop and enhance the quality of your relationships through mindfulness.

I aim to have low rather than high expectations with friends and family

I don't expect any presents on birthdays or any favours to be returned. I don't expect people to turn up to meetings on time or to return phone calls. This way, I'm not often disappointed. In fact, I'm pleasantly surprised when a friend does call me, does a favour for me or is kind to me! I feel very fortunate to have lovely friends and family who are supportive and fun to be with. But if I had very high expectations, I'd be setting myself up for disappointment. With reduced expectations, you set the stage for greater gratitude and positivity in your relationships when others do reach out.

Working with your emotions 'You make me angry.' 'You're annoying me.' 'You're stressing me out.

If you find yourself thinking or saying sentences like these, you're not really taking responsibility for your own emotions. You're blaming someone else for the way you feel. This may seem perfectly natural. However, in truth, no one can affect the way you feel. The way you feel is determined by what you think about the situation. For example, say I accidentally spill a cup of tea on your work. If you think that I did it on purpose, you may think, 'You damaged my paperwork deliberately, you idiot,' and then feel angry and upset. You blame me for your anger. If you see it as an accident and think that I may be tired, you think, 'It was just an accident - I hope he's okay,' and react with sympathy. The emotion is caused by your thought, not by the person or the situation itself.

Relaxing with Mindful Breathing Meditation

If you're keen to try a short, simple, ten-minute sitting mindfulness meditation, this one's for you. This meditation focuses your attention on the breath and enables you to gently guide yourself back to your breathing when your attention wanders away.

By connecting with the senses, you move from automatic pilot mode to a mindful mode.

In other words, rather than eating while doing something else and not even noticing the taste, you deliberately turn your attention to the whole process of eating.

Practising formal walking meditation

In this section I describe a formal walking meditation, which means you make special time and space to practise the exercise. You can equally introduce an awareness of your walking in an informal way, when going about your daily activities. You don't have to slow down the pace at which you walk for that.

Mindful running

Leave the portable music player and headphones at home. Try running outside rather than at the gym - your senses have more to connect with outside. Begin by taking ten mindful breaths as you walk along. Become aware of your body as a whole. Build up from normal walking to walking fast to running. Notice how quickly your breathing rate changes, and focus on your breathing whenever your mind wanders away from the present moment. Feel your

You may be struggling with your mindfulness meditation because you're seeking a particular outcome.

Maybe you want your mind to shut up, or the pain to go away, or you want to get rid of your restlessness. Try letting go of these desires. The fewer desires you have, the more you're likely to enjoy the mindfulness practices. Make peace with whatever you're experiencing in the moment by becoming aware of it with friendliness. Look at the experience like you look at a little kitten, or a baby, or a really good friend: with affection, as best you can.

Generating Compassion: Metta Meditations

Metta is a Buddhist term meaning loving kindness or friendliness. Metta meditation is designed to generate a sense of compassion both for yourself and towards others. All mindfulness meditations make use of an affectionate awareness, but metta meditations are specifically designed to deepen this skill and direct it in specific ways.

So, how on earth can mindfulness help when these small things start to escalate into a full-blown argument and a negative atmosphere?

Mindfulness creates a mental and emotional inner space - some space between the moment when you feel your irritation rising and your decision to speak. In that space, you have time to make a choice about what to say. If your partner accuses you of leaving clothes on the floor, you notice yourself getting defensive. But in that extra space you have, you can also think about your partner: he's had a long day, is tired and has a bit of a short fuse. From that understanding, you're able to say a few kind words or offer a little hug or massage. The situation begins to defuse itself. That all-important few seconds between your emotional experience and your choice of words is created through mindfulness practice. As you become adept in mindfulness, you become less automatically reactive. You're conscious of what's happening within you and can make these better decisions.

A caring, accepting awareness is the key to healthy living.

Mindfulness is a wonderful way to develop greater awareness. This chapter details suggestions for looking after yourself and others through mindfulness.

Savouring Mindful Eating Meditation Starting with mindful eating meditation demonstrates the simplicity of meditation.

Mindfulness meditation isn't about sitting cross-legged for hours on end; it's about the awareness you bring to each present moment. Mindfulness is about living with an open and curious awareness. Anything done with mindful awareness is meditation, including eating, driving, walking, talking and much more.

Rather than blame the other person for your anger, actually feel the emotion.

Notice when it manifests in your body if you can. Observe the effect of breathing into it. Watch it with a sense of care. This transforms your relationship to the anger from hate to curiosity, and thereby transforms the anger from a problem to a learning opportunity.

You may have found the taste of the fruit to be more vivid and intense than usual.

Perhaps you noticed things about this fruit that you hadn't noticed before. Mindfulness reveals new things and transforms the experience itself, making for a deeper experience. If this is true of eating something ordinary like a piece of fruit, consider what effect mindfulness may have on the rest of your experiences in life!

Exercising mindfully

Regular exercise is beneficial for both body and mind, as confirmed by thousands of research studies. If you already exercise on a regular basis, you know the advantages. If not, and your doctor is happy with you exercising, you can begin by simply walking. Walking is an aerobic exercise and a great way to practise mindfulness. (See Chapter 6 for a walking meditation.) Then, if you want to, you can build up to whatever type of more strenuous exercise you fancy. Approach each new exercise with a mindful attitude: be curious of what will happen, stay with uncomfortable sensations for a while, explore the edge between comfort and discomfort, and look around you.

Preparing for sleep with mindfulness

Sleep, essential to your wellbeing, is one of the first things to improve when people do a course in mindfulness. People sleep better, and their sleep is deeper. Studies found similar results from people who suffered from insomnia who did an eight-week course in MBSR (mindfulness-based stress reduction). Sleep is about completely letting go of the world. Falling asleep isn't something you do - it's about non-doing. In that sense sleep is similar to mindfulness. If you're trying to sleep, you're putting in a certain effort, which is the opposite of letting go.

Imagine the breathing space as an hourglass

The attention is wide and open to start with and then narrows and focuses on the breath in the second stage, before expanding again with more awareness and spaciousness

Trying Out the Body Scan Meditation

The body scan is a wonderful mindfulness practice to start your journey into contemplative practices. You normally do the body scan lying down, so you get a sense of letting go straight away.

If that was one of the first times you've practised meditation, you're starting a journey.

The meditation may have felt fine or awful. That doesn't matter. What matters is your willingness to accept whatever arises and keep practising. Starting meditation is a bit like going to the gym for the first time in months: the experience can be unpleasant to begin with! Keep practising and try not to judge it as a good or bad meditation - there's no such thing. And remember, there's nothing to be frightened about in meditation either: if you feel too uncomfortable, you can simply open your eyes and stop the meditation.

Practising sitting meditation

The mindful sitting practice I describe here comprises several stages. To begin with, I recommend that you just do the first stage - mindfulness of breath - daily. Then, after about a week, you can expand the meditation to include mindfulness of breath and body, and so on.

f a person doesn't meet your expectations, you may react with anger, sadness, frustration, or jealousy

These emotions are natural to a certain extent, but if you experience them too frequently or too intensely, too much negative emotion harms your health and wellbeing. And just because you have high expectations or react emotionally when your expectations aren't met doesn't mean the other person is going to change, especially if you treat that person with emotional outbursts.

Being aware of expectations

Think about the last time someone annoyed you. What were your expectations of that person? What did you want him to say or do? If you have excessively high expectations in your relationships, you're going to find yourself frustrated. Expectations are ideals created in your mind. The expectations are like rules. I expect you to behave; or to be quiet; or to make dinner every evening; or to be funny, not angry or assertive. The list is endless.

Try lifting your hips several inches above your knees by sitting on a cushion or pillow.

This can help to straighten and ease tension from your back.

Practising the body scan Set aside at least half an hour for the body scan. Find a time when and a place where you won't be disturbed, and somewhere you feel comfortable and secure. Turn off any phones you have

This is a time totally set aside for you, and for you to be with yourself. A time for renewal, rest, and healing. A time to nourish your health and wellbeing. Remember that mindfulness is about being with things as they are, moment to moment, as they unfold in the present. So, let go of ideas about self-improvement and personal development. Let go of your tendency for wanting things to be different from how they are, and allow them to be exactly as they are. Give yourself the space to be as you are. You don't even need to try to relax. Relaxation may happen or it may not. Relaxation isn't the aim of the body scan. If anything, the aim is to be aware of your experience, whatever it may be. Do whatever feels right for you

Starting with your relationship with yourself

Trees need to withstand powerful storms, and the only way they can do that is by having deep roots for stability. With shallow roots, the tree can't really stand upright. The deeper and stronger the roots, the bigger and more plentiful are the branches that the tree can produce. In the same way, you need to nourish your relationship with yourself to effectively branch out to relate to others in a meaningful and fulfilling way.

Enjoying Sitting Meditation Sitting meditation is simply being mindful in a sitting position. In this section I share some common sitting postures and guide you through seated practice. Once you establish yourself in the practice, you can adapt it in any way that suits you.

Try sitting meditation after a couple of weeks' practising the body scan every day (explained in the previous section). The body scan helps you begin to get accustomed to paying attention to your breath and your body in an accepting and kindly way. You also begin to understand how easily the mind wanders off, and how to tenderly bring the attention back. The sitting meditation continues to develop your attention, bringing a wider range of present-moment experiences to be mindful of. Although your mind still strays into thoughts, you begin to shift your relationship to thoughts, which is a small but fundamental shift.

Stepping Out with Walking Meditations

Walking meditation is meditation in which the process of walking is used as a focus. The ability to walk is a privilege, and walking is a miraculous process that you can feel grateful for. Imagine being able to walk to work in a mindful, calm, and relaxed way, arriving at your destination refreshed and energised. You can walk in a stress-free way with walking meditation. My students often say that walking meditation is one of their favourite practices. The walking gives them time out from an over-occupied mind. Meditative walking is also a good way of preparing for the other, more physically static, meditations.

When you give the other person the space and time to speak without judging, he begins to listen to himself.

What he's saying becomes very clear to him. Then, quite often, the solution arises naturally. He knows himself far better than you do. By jumping straight into solutions, you only reduce the opportunity that person has to communicate with you. So, when listening, simply listen.

Introducing the breathing space

When you've had a busy day, you probably enjoy stopping for a nice hot cup of tea or coffee, or another favourite beverage. The drink offers more than just liquid for the body. The break gives you a chance to relax and unwind a bit. The three-minute mini meditation, called the breathing space (illustrated in Figure 7-1 and 7-2), is a bit like a tea break, but beyond relaxation, the breathing space enables you to check what's going on in your body, mind, and heart - not getting rid of feelings or thoughts, but looking at them from a clearer perspective.

Seeing difficult people as your teachers Relationships are built on the history between you and the other person, whoever that may be.

Whenever you meet another human being, your brain automatically pulls out the memory file on the person, and you relate to him with your previous knowledge of him. This is all very well when you're meeting an old and dearly loved friend, for example, but what about when you need to deal with someone you've had difficulties with in the past? Perhaps you may have had an argument or just don't seem to connect.

Looking at a mindful work-life balance

Work-life balance means balancing work and career ambitions on the one side, and home, family, leisure and spiritual pursuits on the other. Working too much can have a negative impact on other important areas. By keeping things in balance, you're able to get your work done quicker and your relationship quality tends to improve.

Sitting on the floor

You can also do seated meditation sitting in the more traditional posture on the floor. Some people find sitting on the floor more grounding and stable. However, sitting in the most comfortable posture for you is more important than anything else. On the floor, you can do the kneeling posture, shown in Figure 6-3, in which you support your buttocks using a meditation stool or a cushion. If you use a meditation stool, ensure that you have a cushion for it too, or you may find it uncomfortable. It's important to find a stool or cushion at the right height for yourself. Too high, and your back will feel strained and uncomfortable. Too low, and you're more likely to slump and feel sleepy.

Using a Mini Mindful Exercise

You don't need to practise mindfulness meditation for hours and hours to reap its benefits. Short and frequent meditations are an effective way of developing mindfulness in your everyday life.

Relationships are difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself if things don't work out.

You have your own character, and sometimes you just don't connect with another person. Let go of the negatives from the past, as best you can, and follow your instincts. Allow things to unfold in their own natural way as best you can. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You have another 6.99 billion people to try your mindful relationship skills on!

All these are common experiences. Of course, experiences of pleasure and peace occur too! Remember the following sentence when you begin to struggle with the body scan and other long meditations:

You may not always like it - you just need to keep at it.

There's no correct experience in this mindful eating meditation. Different people have different experiences.

You probably found it wasn't your normal experience of eating. The first thing to discover about all mindful meditations is that whatever your experience is, it is your experience and it is correct and valid.

Examining your walking habits

You probably rarely just walk. You may walk and talk, walk and think, walk and plan, or walk and worry. Walking is so easy that you do other things at the same time. You probably walk on automatic pilot most of the time. However, you can get into negative habit patterns and end up spending all your time planning when you walk, and rarely just enjoying the walking itself. When you walk, you're normally trying to get somewhere. That makes sense, I know. In walking meditation, you're not trying to get anywhere. You can let go of the destination and enjoy the journey, which is what all meditations are about.

Whatever exercise you choose,

allow yourself to enjoy the experience. Find simply physical activities that make you smile rather than frown, and you're much more likely to stick with the discipline.

So, be mindful of your beliefs whenever you feel a strong emotional reaction to someone else,

and see whether changing the belief, or simply smiling at the belief, helps.

If you're new to meditation, try some of the other meditations in this book

first. When you've had some experience of those meditations, you're ready to try the metta meditation. Take your time with it: work through the practice slowly and regularly, and you're sure to reap the benefits.

Deep listening is healing.

g. By healing, I mean that the person being listened to can feel a great sense of release and let go of frustrations, anxieties, or sadness. Through deep listening, true communication occurs: people want to be listened to more than anything else.

If you seem to be sleeping less than usual, try not to worry about it too much

n fact, worrying about how little sleep you're getting becomes a vicious circle. Many people sleep far less than eight hours a day, and most people have bad nights once in a while. Not being able to sleep doesn't mean something is wrong with you, and lack of sleep isn't the worst thing for your health. A regular mindfulness practice will probably help you in the long run.

Experiment with having a very gentle smile on your face as you do the breathing space,

no matter how you feel. Notice whether doing so has a positive effect on your state of mind. If it does, use this approach every time. You don't even need to say 'cheese'!

Besides arising from the posture, frustration can arise from the practice itself. You're so used to judging all your experiences that you judge your meditation too. But mindfulness means non-judgemental awareness. Bad meditation doesn't exist -

there's no such thing. Sometimes you can concentrate and focus your mind, and other times it's totally wild. Meditation is like that. Trust in the process, even if it feels as if you're not improving. Mindfulness works at a level both above and below the conscious mind, so on the surface it may seem as though you're not getting anywhere. Don't worry: each meditation is a step forwards, because you've actually practised.

At this point, you can stop or carry on to choiceless awareness,

which is simply an open awareness of whatever arises in your consciousness: sounds, thoughts, the sensations in your body, feelings, or the breath.

Getting Into Formal Mindfulness Meditation Practice

▶ Trying eating, walking and body scan mindfulness meditation practices ▶ Breathing and walking in a mindful way ▶ Understanding and overcoming pitfalls

An easy way to remember and manage your emotions is to use the acronyn ABC:

✓ A: Activating event ✓ B: Belief ✓ C: Consequence

Using the breathing space between activities Aim to practise the breathing space three times a day. Here are some suggested times for practising the breathing space:

✓ Before or after meal times. Some people pray with their family before eating a meal to be together with gratitude and give thanks for the food. Doing a breathing space before or after a meal gives you a set time to practise and reminds you to appreciate your meal too. If you can't manage three minutes, just feel three breaths before diving in. ✓ Between activities. Resting between your daily activities, even for just a few moments, is very nourishing. Feeling your breath and renewing yourself is very pleasant. Research has found that just three mindful breaths can change your body's physiology, lowering blood pressure and reducing muscle tension. ✓ On waking up or before going to bed. A short meditation before you jump out of bed can be a wholesome experience. You can stay lying in bed and enjoy your breathing. Or you can sit up and do the breathing space. Meditating in this way helps to put you in a good frame of mind and sets you up for meeting life afresh. Practising the breathing space before going to bed can calm your mind and encourage a deeper and more restful sleep. ✓ When a difficult thought or emotion arises. The breathing space meditation is particularly helpful when you're experiencing challenging thoughts or emotions. By becoming aware of the nature of your thoughts, and listening to them with a sense of kindness and curiosity, you change your relationship to them. A mindful relationship to thoughts and emotions results in a totally different experience.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you observe the mirror of relationships:

✓ Behaviour. How do you behave in different relationships? What sort of language do you use? What's your tone of voice like? Do you always use the same words or sentences? What happens if you speak less, or more? Notice your body language. ✓ Emotions. How do you feel in different relationships? Do certain people or topics create fear or anger or sadness? Get in touch with your emotions when you're with other people, and see what the effect is. Try not to judge the emotions as good or bad, right or wrong: just see what they do. ✓ Thoughts. What sort of thoughts arise in different relationships? What happens if you observe the thoughts as just thoughts and not facts? How are your thoughts affected by how you feel? How do your thoughts affect the relationship? Being mindful in a relationship is more difficult than it sounds. You can easily find yourself caught up in the moment and your attention is trapped. Through regular mindfulness practice, your awareness gradually increases and becomes easier. Although mindfulness in relationships is challenging, it's very rewarding too.

Practising mindful movement has many benefits. You can:

✓ Explore limits and discomfort. When you stretch, you eventually reach a limit beyond which the discomfort becomes too intense (the edge). Mindfulness offers the opportunity to explore your mind's reactions as you approach your edge. Do you try to push beyond it, often causing injury, or do you stay too far away, avoiding the slightest discomfort? By approaching the edge with a mindful awareness, you open up to uncomfortable physical sensations rather than avoiding them. You can transfer this skill of mindful awareness to your experience of difficult thoughts and emotions, encouraging you to stay with them and acknowledge them, and see what effect mindfulness has on them. ✓ Tune in to the sensations in your body and tune out of the usual wandering mind. By focusing in on the range of feelings and sensations in your body, you bring yourself into the present moment. Mindful movement shows you a way of coming into the here and now. Most of the other formal meditation practices involve being still; you may find movement an easier door into mindful practice. ✓ Discover how to be mindful while your body is in motion. You can transfer this discovery into your daily life and become more mindful of all the movement you do, such as walking, cooking, cleaning, and getting dressed. You're training your mind to be mindful in your day-to-day activities. ✓ Practise being kind to your body. Mindful movement and stretching is an opportunity to relate to your physical sensations with a spirit of friendliness. Allow physical sensations to soften by feeling them with a sense of warmth and affection rather than resistance or avoidance. ✓ Gain an understanding about life through movement practice. When trying to balance in a yoga posture, notice how your body isn't stiff or still but continuously moving and correcting to maintain your balance. Sometimes you lose your balance and have to start again. In the same way, living a life of balance requires continuous correction, and sometimes you get it wrong. You just need to start again.

Appreciating the benefits of the body scan meditation The body scan meditation has many benefits:

✓ Getting in touch with your body. You spend most of your time in your head, constantly thinking, thinking, thinking. By practising the body scan, you're connecting with your own body and disconnecting from your mind with all its ideas, opinions, beliefs, judgements, dreams, and desires. Thinking is a wonderful and precious aspect of being human, but by connecting with the sensations in the body, you tune in to the intelligence and wisdom of the body. Hearing what the body has to say is fascinating if you listen carefully and give your body the space to express itself. The body scan helps you acknowledge that understanding and insight comes not only from the thinking brain but from the whole body, a supremely intelligent system from which you can discover so much. ✓ Letting go of doing mode and coming into being mode. As you lie down to do the body scan, you can completely let go physically. Your mind can follow on from this and also begin to let go of thinking on automatic pilot. Through the body scan, you begin to move from the autopilot doing mode of mind into the being mode of mind, which is about allowing things to be just as they are (see Chapter 5 for more). ✓ Training your attention. The body scan alternates between a wide and a narrow focus of attention - from focusing on your little toe all the way through to the entire body. The body scan trains your mind to be able to move from detailed attention to a wider and more spacious awareness from one moment to the next. In other words, you're more able to zoom in and out of an experience - a skill you can use outside of meditation. ✓ Releasing emotions stored in the body. Stressful events experienced from childhood, such as divorce or extreme discipline, cause great fear and can get locked and stored in the body as physical tension, an absence of sensation, or as a dysfunctional part of the body that causes, for example, problems with digestion. The body scan helps to release that storedup emotion and tension. Some clients have had years of physical ailments relieved through the regular practice of the body scan meditation. ✓ Using the body as an emotional gauge. Practising the body scan and becoming increasingly aware of your body enables you to become more sensitive to how your body reacts in different situations throughout the day. If you become stressed or nervous about something, you may be able to notice this earlier through the body, and so be able to make an informed choice as to what to do next. Without that awareness, you don't have a choice and face the possibility of unnecessarily spiralling down into unhelpful emotions and a tense body. For example, if you notice your forehead tightening up or your shoulders tensing in a meeting, you can do something about it rather than letting the tension unconsciously build and build.

Now, reflect on these questions:

✓ How do you feel having done that exercise? ✓ What effect will this process have on your experience of eating? ✓ What did you notice and find out?

Overcoming walking meditation obstacles Walking meditation doesn't create as many issues as the other meditations. However, here are a couple that often crop up, with ideas to solve them:

✓ You can't balance when walking very slowly. Walking straight at a very slow pace is surprisingly tricky. If you think that you may fall over, use a wall to support yourself. Additionally, gaze at a spot in front of you and keep your eyes fixed there as you walk forwards. As you practise, your balance improves. ✓ Your mind keeps wandering off. Walking meditation is like all other mindfulness practices. The mind becomes distracted. Gently guide your attention back to the feeling of the feet on the floor, or of the breath. No self-criticism or blaming is required.

If the metta phrases I suggest don't work for you, then here are other suggestions. Choose two or three and use them as your metta phrases. Or you can be creative and come up with your own, too:

✓ May I be at peace with myself and all other beings. ✓ May I accept myself just as I am. ✓ May I find forgiveness for the inevitable hurt peopole bring to one another. ✓ May I live in peace and harmony with all beings. ✓ May I love myself completely just as I am now no matter what happens. ✓ May I be free from the suffering of fear and anger. ✓ May I love myself unconditionally

Overcoming sitting meditation obstacles One of the most common problems with sitting meditation is posture. After sitting for some time, the back, knees, or other parts of the body start to ache. When this happens, you have two choices:

✓ Observe both the discomfort as well as your mind's reaction to it, while continuing to sit still. I recommend this if the discomfort doesn't hurt too much. Mindfulness is about welcoming experiences, even if they feel unpleasant at first. What does the discomfort feel like exactly? What's its precise location? What do you think about it? Because all experience is in a state of flux and change, you may find that even your feeling of physical discomfort changes. ✓ By you discovering how to stay with these sensations, your meditation skills flow into your everyday life. You can manage other difficult emotions and challenging problems in the same welcoming, curious, and accepting way, rather than fighting them. Your body and mind are one, so by sitting still, your mind has a chance to stabilise and focus too. ✓ Mindfully move the position of your body. If your bodily discomfort is overwhelming, you can, of course, move your body. That's a lovely act of kindness to yourself. Try not to react quickly to the discomfort. Instead, shift your position slowly and mindfully. In this way, you enfold your shift of position into the practice. You're responding instead of reacting, which is what mindfulness is about. Responding involves a deliberate choice by you: you feel the sensation and make a conscious decision about what to do next. Reacting is automatic, lacks control, and bypasses an intentional decision by you. By you becoming more skilful in responding to your own experience in meditation, your ability spills out into everyday life: when someone frustrates you, you can respond while remaining in control of yourself rather than reacting in an out-ofcontrol way

Here are some tips to help you begin building a better relationship with yourself by using a mindful attitude:

✓ Set the intention. Begin with a clear intention to begin to love and care for yourself. You're not being selfish by looking after yourself; you're watering your own roots, so you can help others when the time is right. You're opening the door to a brighter future that you truly deserve as a human being. ✓ Understand that no one's perfect. You may have high expectations of yourself. Try to let them go, just a tiny bit. Try to accept at least one aspect of yourself that you don't like, if you can. The smallest of steps make a huge difference. Just as a snowball starts small and gradually grows as you roll it through the snow, so a little bit of kindness and acceptance of the way things are can start off a positive chain reaction to improve things for you. ✓ Step back from self-criticism. As you practise mindfulness, you become more aware of your thoughts. You may be surprised to hear a harsh, self-critical inner voice berating you. Take a step back from that voice if you can, and know that you're not your thoughts. When you begin to see this, the thoughts lose their sting and power. (The sitting meditation in Chapter 6 explores this.) ✓ Be kind to yourself. Take note of your positive qualities, no matter how small and insignificant they seem, and acknowledge them. Maybe you're polite, or a particular part of your body is attractive. Or perhaps you're generous or a good listener. Whatever your positive qualities are, notice them rather than looking for the negative aspects of yourself or what you can't do. Being kind to yourself isn't easy, but through mindfulness and by taking a step-by-step approach, it's definitely possible. ✓ Forgive yourself. Remember that you're not perfect. You make mistakes, and so do I. Making mistakes makes us human. By understanding that you can't be perfect in what you do, and can't get everything right, you're more able to forgive yourself and move on. Ultimately, you can learn only through making mistakes: if you did everything correctly, you'd have little to discover about yourself. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself. ✓ Be grateful. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Try being grateful for all that you do have, and all that you can do. Can you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch? Can you think, feel, walk, and run? Do you have access to food, shelter, and clothing? Use mindfulness to become more aware of what you have. Every evening before going to bed, write down three things that you're grateful for, even if they're really small and insignificant. Writing gratitude statements each evening has been proven to be beneficial for many people. Try this for a month, and continue if you find the exercise helps you in any way. ✓ Practise metta/loving kindness meditation. This is probably the most effective and powerful way of developing a deeper, kinder, and more fulfilling relationship with yourself. Refer to Chapter 6 for the stages of the metta practice.

Here are some tips for preparing to sleep using mindfulness:

✓ Stick to a regular time to go to bed and to wake up. Waking up very early one day and very late the next confuses your body clock and may cause difficulties in sleeping. ✓ Avoid over-stimulating yourself by watching television or being on the computer before bed. The light from the screen tricks your brain into believing it's still daytime, and then it takes longer for you to fall asleep. ✓ Try doing some formal mindfulness practice like a sitting meditation or the body scan (refer to Chapter 6) before going to bed. ✓ Try doing some yoga or gentle stretching before going to bed. I've noticed cats naturally stretch before curling up on the sofa for a snooze. This may help you to relax and your muscles unwind. Try purring while you're stretching, too - maybe that's the secret to their relaxed way of life! ✓ Do some mindful walking indoors before bed. Take five or ten minutes to walk a few steps and feel all the sensations in your body as you do so. The slower, the better. ✓ When you lie in bed, feel your in-breath and out-breath. Rather than trying to sleep, just be with your breathing. Count your out-breaths from one to ten. Each time you breathe out, say the number to yourself. Every time your mind wanders off, begin again at one. ✓ If you're lying in bed worrying, perhaps even about getting to sleep, accept your worries. Challenging or fighting thoughts just makes them more powerful. Note them, and gently come back to the feeling of the breath.

Deep listening comes from an inner calm. If your mind is wild, it's very difficult for you to listen properly. If your mind is in turmoil, go away to listen to your breathing or even to your own thoughts. By doing so, you give your thoughts space to arise out of the unconscious, and you thereby release them. Here's how to listen to someone deeply and mindfully:

✓ Stop doing anything else. Set your intention to listen deeply. ✓ Look the person in the eye when he speaks and gently smile, if appropriate. ✓ Put aside all your own concerns and worries. ✓ Listen to what the person is saying and how he's saying it. ✓ Listen with your whole being - your mind and heart, not just your head. ✓ Observe posture and tone of voice as part of the listening process. ✓ Notice the automatic thoughts popping into your head as you listen. Do your best to let them go and come back to listening. ✓ Ask questions if necessary, but keep them genuine and open rather than trying to change the subject. Let your questions gently deepen the conversation. ✓ Let go of judgement as far as you can. Judging is thinking rather than deep listening. ✓ Let go of trying to solve the problem or giving the person the answer

Here are some ways of dealing with difficult relationships:

✓ Take five mindful breaths or carry out a mini meditation (check out Chapter 8) before meeting the other person. This may help prevent the feeling of anger or frustration becoming overpowering. Simple, yet awesome! ✓ Observe the difference between your own negative image about the person and the person himself. As best you can, let go of the image and meet the person as he is by connecting with your senses when you meet him. ✓ Understand the following, which Buddha is quoted as saying: 'Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.' Try to forgive whatever has happened in your relationship. See whether that helps. Buddha usually knows what he's talking about! ✓ See the relationship as a game. Mindfulness is not to be taken too seriously, and nor are relationships. Often relationships become stagnant because you're both taking things too seriously. Allow yourself to lighten up. See the funny side. Crack a joke. Or smile, at least. ✓ Consider what's the worst that may happen. That question usually helps to put things back in perspective. You may be overestimating how bad the other person is, or the worst that he can realistically do to you. ✓ Become curious about the kind of thoughts that arise in your head when you meet the difficult person. Are the thoughts part of a familiar pattern? Can you see them as merely thoughts rather than facts? Where did you get these ideas from? This is an example of mindfulness of thoughts: becoming curious about your thinking patterns and noticing what's happening. You're not trying to fix or change; that happens by itself if you observe the current thought patterns clearly.

Preparing Your Body and Mind for Mindfulness Meditation Here are some useful pointers on preparing yourself to practise mindful meditation:

✓ You can practise the meditation any time and anywhere that suits you. For more help on deciding when and where you'll practise, see Chapter 9. ✓ Avoid meditating immediately after a big meal or when you're feeling very hungry; your stomach may then become the object of your attention rather than anything else. ✓ Try and find conditions conducive for meditation: ideally, , somewhere that is not too noisy, with the right temperature for you and soft or natural lighting. Wear clothing that's loose and comfortable. None of these conditions are essential - it's possible to meditate anytime and anywhere - but if you're a beginner, these environmental factors help. ✓ You can be in any posture that feels comfortable for you for mindfulness meditation. If you're interested in advice on specific sitting postures, see further on in this chapter. ✓ Experiment by gently smiling when you meditate. This is a simple and powerful secret to help you enjoy meditation. Think of smiling as the most important posture in meditation. A cute little grin on your face sends a signal to your mind to be friendly towards yourself. You let go of being too serious or trying too hard; meditation can then become a joyful non-activity

Overcoming metta meditation obstacles You may experience a few specific problems with metta meditation. Some common issues, with suggestions for overcoming them, include:

✓ You can't think of a specific person. If you can't think of a suitable friend, or neutral person, or someone you're having difficulties with, don't worry. You can miss that step for now, or just choose anyone. The intention of loving kindness is more important than the specific person you choose. ✓ You say the phrases but don't feel anything. This is perfectly normal, especially when you start. Imagine the phrases coming out of your chest or heart, rather than your head, if you can. Again, the feeling isn't as important as your attitude of friendliness in the practice. The feelings may come in the future, or may not - you don't need to worry about that. ✓ Your mind keeps wandering off. This is simply the nature of mind, and happens in all meditations. As always, as soon as you notice, kindly and gently bring your attention back to the practice. Each time you bring it back, you're strengthening your mind to pay attention. ✓ You have great trouble with the difficult person. If you have a strong aversion to bringing a sense of kindness to the difficult person, try remembering that she's a human being, just like you. She too has her challenges in life, which may be why she behaves in the way she does. And she, too, ultimately wants to be happy and peaceful, although it may not seem that way on the outside. If these thoughts don't help either, try focusing on someone less difficult to begin with. Be patient with yourself: this isn't an easy process, but it's certainly worth the effort. ✓ You feel very emotional. Feeling emotional is a very common reaction. You may not be used to generating feelings in this way, and it can unlock deep-seated emotions. If you can, try to continue with the practice. If your emotions become overwhelming, try just the first phase, sending metta towards yourself, for the whole meditation. Doing just one phase for a whole meditation is perfectly fine. Alternatively, stop the practice and come back to it later, when it feels more appropriate.

Overcoming body scan obstacles The body scan seems easy on the surface. All you need to do is lie down, turn on the audio MP3, and guide your awareness through your body. In reality you're doing a lot more than that. If you've spent your life ignoring your body, trying a different approach takes both courage and determination. Problems may arise. Perhaps:

✓ You felt more pain in your body than you normally do. ✓ You wanted to stop the body scan. ✓ You couldn't concentrate. ✓ You fell asleep. ✓ You became more anxious, depressed, or frustrated than when you started. ✓ You couldn't do the body scan. ✓ You didn't like the body scan. ✓ You couldn't stop crying. ✓ You couldn't see the point of the body scan.

.The breathing space meditation encapsulates the core of mindfulness in a succinct and portable way. The full effects of the breathing space are:

✓ You move into a restful 'being' mode of mind. Your mind can be in one of two very different states of mind: doing mode or being mode. Doing mode is energetic and all about carrying out actions and changing things. Being mode is a soothing state of mind where you acknowledge things as they are. (For lots more on being and doing mode, refer to Chapter 5.) ✓ Your self-awareness increases. You become more aware of how your body feels, the thoughts going through your mind, and the emotion or need of the moment. You may notice that your shoulders are hunched or your jaw is clenched. You may have thoughts whizzing through your head that you hadn't even realised were there. Or perhaps you're feeling sad, or are thirsty or tired. If you listen to these messages, you can take appropriate action. Without self-awareness, you can't tackle them. ✓ Your self-compassion increases. You allow yourself the space to be kinder to yourself, rather than self-critical or overly demanding. If you've had a tough day, the breathing space offers you time to let go of your concerns, forgive your mistakes and come back into the present moment. And with greater self-compassion, you're better able to be compassionate and understanding of others too. ✓ You create more opportunities to make choices. You make choices all the time. At the moment, you've chosen to read this book and this page. Later on you may choose to go for a walk, call a friend, or cook dinner. If your partner snaps at you, your reaction is a choice to a certain extent too. By practising the breathing space, you stand back from your experiences and see the bigger picture of the situation you're in. When a difficulty arises, you can make a decision from your whole wealth of knowledge and experience, rather than just having a fleeting reaction. The breathing space can help you make wiser decisions. ✓ You switch off automatic pilot. Have you ever eaten a whole meal and realised that you didn't actually taste it? You were most likely on automatic pilot. You're so used to eating, you can do it while thinking about other things. The breathing space helps to connect you with your senses so that you're alive to the moment. Try this thought experiment. Without looking, remember whether your wrist watch has roman numerals or normal numbers on it. If you're not sure, or get it wrong, it's a small indication of how you're operating on automatic pilot. You've looked at your watch hundreds of times, but not really looked carefully. (I explain more about automatic pilot in Chapter 5.) ✓ You become an observer of your experience rather than feeling trapped by it. In your normal everyday experience, no distance exists between you and your thoughts or emotions. They just arise and you act on them almost without noticing. One of the key outcomes of the breathing space is the creation of a space between you and your inner world. Your thoughts and emotions can be in complete turmoil, but you simply observe and are free from them, like watching a film at the cinema. This seemingly small shift in viewpoint has huge implications, which I explore in Chapter 5. ✓ You see things from a different perspective. Have you ever taken a comment too personally? I certainly have. Someone is critical about a piece of work I've done, and I immediately react or at least feel a surge of emotion in the pit of my stomach. But you have other ways of reacting. Was the other person stressed out? Are you making a big deal about nothing? The pause offered by the breathing space can help you see things in another way. ✓ You walk the bridge between formal and informal practice. Formal practice is where you carve out a chunk of time in the day to practise meditation. Informal practice is being mindful of your normal everyday activities. The breathing space is a very useful way of bridging the gap between these two important aspects of mindfulness. The breathing space is both a formal practice because you're making some time to carry it out, and informal because you integrate it into your day-to-day activities. ✓ You create a space for new ideas to arise. By stopping your normal everyday activities to practise the breathing space, you create room in your mind for other things to pop in. If your mind is cluttered, you can't think clearly. The breathing space may be just what the doctor ordered to allow an intelligent insight or creative idea to pop into your mind.