the importance of being earnest "act 2" (pg 32-59)

Merriman: Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him.

'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?

MISS PRISM: This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.

(enter) Uncle Jack! oh, I am pleased to see you back. what horrid clothes you have got on. do go and change them.

Algy: My own love!

A moment! Ernest, may I ask you - are you engaged to be married to this young lady?

G: I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.

Algernon Moncrieff? oh! are you called algernon?

Merriman. Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.

Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.

A: Oh, any name you like—Algernon—for instance . . .

But I don't like the name of Algernon.

G: No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more.

Cake or bread and butter?

G: I beg your pardon?

Dearest Gwendoline, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. (deep breath) Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.

G: Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind, it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.

Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement? How dare you! this is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. when I see a spade I call it a spade.

Gwendoline: Cecily Cardew! What a very sweet name. Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first impressions of people are never wrong.

How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down.

A: that is because I am hungry.

How thoughtless of me. Won't you come in?

G: My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the Morning Post on Saturday at the latest.

I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago.

A: oh! of course, I have been rather reckless.

I am glad to hear it.

A: Yes, darling, with a little help from others.

I am so glad!

G: Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother.

I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time.

G: Well, to speak with perfect candor, Cecily, I wish you were fully forty, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honor. But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others.

I beg your pardon, Gwendoline. did you say Ernest?

A: it is much pleasanter being here with you.

I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won't be back till Monday afternoon.

A: You'll never break off our engagement, Cecily?

I don't think I could break it off, now that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is the question of your name.

A: because you are like a pink rose, cousin Cecily.

I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me.

A: in fact, now that you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.

I don't think you should be so proud of that - though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

Algy: Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.

I don't think you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make much sense, does it?

Merriman: Yes, Miss.

I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am afraid he will look just like anyone else. ... He does!

G: then that is all settled, is it not?

I hope so.

MP: I do not think that even I would produce any effect on a character that, according to his own brother's admission, is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed, I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favor of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment's notice. You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary at all.

I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. if I didn't write them down I would probably forget all about them.

(Jack enters) ... G: thank you. you may!

I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. the gentleman whose arm is at present 'round your waist is my dear guardian, Mr. John Worthing.

Algy: well, I really can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon. it is not at all a bad name. in fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. but seriously, cecily, if my name was Algy, couldn't you love me?

I might respect you, Ernest. I might admire your character, but I fear I would not be able to give you my undivided attention.

A: this is a great disappointment, as I am obliged to go up on Monday morning.

I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wanted to speak with you about your emigrating.

A: well, you mind my reforming myself, this afternoon?

I think you should try.

Merriman: yes, miss. Algy: I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection.

I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. if you will allow me I will copy your remarks into my diary.

MP: Cecily, I am surprised at you! Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man, his brother.

I wish Uncle Jack would allow him to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prisim.

A: I'm afraid I am not. that is why I want you to reform me. you might make that your mission, if you don't mind, cousin Cecily.

I'm afraid I have no time this afternoon.

Merriman: A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.

Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library?

A: I'm afraid so. Merriman: the dogcart is at the door, sir.

It can wait Merriman - for - five minutes.

A: For the last three months?

It will be exactly three months on Thursday.

G: It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5:30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so. I never travel without my diary. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.

It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendoline, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he has clearly changed his mind.

G: Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores me to death.

May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?

Merriman. Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago.

Miss Fairfax! Pray ask the lady to come our here. Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea.

Chasuble: And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?

Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.

A: Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.

Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.

G: My poor wounded Cecily!

My sweet wronged Gwendoline!

MP: Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.

No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed, I was thinking about it, and not about my German lesson, when the dear rector came in.

G: You are here on a short visit, I suppose?

Oh no! I live here.

Algy: I cannot deny it!

Oh!

Chasuble: I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.

Oh, I am afraid I am.

Jack: What nonsense! I haven't got a brother.

Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to disown him. I'll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won't you, Uncle Jack?

A: He's gone to order the dog-cart for me.

Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?

A: Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at it. May I?

Oh, no! you see, it is simply a very young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. but pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached "absolute perfection." you can go on. I am quite ready for more.

Merriman: Yes, miss. ... Miss Fairfax.

Pray let me introduce myself to you. My name is Cecily Cardew.

G: Ah! that accounts for it. Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?

Quite sure. (pause) in fact, I am going to be his.

G: Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.

So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.

A: He's going to send me away.

Then have we got to part.

G: You will call me sister, will you not?

There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.

G: I beg your pardon.

This is Uncle Jack.

Merriman: the dogcart is waiting, sir Algy: tell it to come 'round next week at the same hour. Merriman: yes, sir.

Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he know you were staying on till next week at the same hour.

Jack: Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.

Uncle Jack, do be nice. there is some good in everyone. Ernest has been telling me about his poor invalid friend, Mr. Bunbury, whom he goes to visit so often.

Algy: of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. but I must say that I think brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.

Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest, I will never forgive you.

... Jack: go away.

Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother's hand?

A: But how did we become engaged?

Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest.

A: I must see him at once on a most important christening—I mean on most important business.

What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary.

G: If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise, I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.

Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have gotten into, I will never reproach him with it, after we are married.

G: I may call you Cecily, may I not?

With pleasure.

G: I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different. Merriman: shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?

Yes, as usual.

A: Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it?

Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters.

Algy: Yes, of course.

You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love someone whose name was Ernest. there is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.

A: My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters.

You need hardly remind me of that. You dear, romantic boy! I hope your hair curls naturally. Does it?

Algy: oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. you will marry me, won't you?

You silly boy! of course. why we have been engaged for the last three months.

Jack: who?

Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.

G: Is your name really John? J: I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.

a gross deception has been practiced on both of us.

Miss Prisim: Cecily! Cecily! surely it is more Moulton's duty to water the flowers than yours. your German grammar is on the table. pray open it at page 15. we will repeat yesterday's lesson.

but I don't like German.

MP: alas, no. the manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid.

but I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden!

A: But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name?

but what name?

Jack: I suppose I must then. Chasuble: it's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers together. Miss Prism: Cecily, you will come with me.

certainly, Miss Prism.

MP: child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way. he laid particular stress on your German as he was leaving for town yesterday.

dear Uncle Jack is so very serious - sometimes he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.

G: Jack! Oh! (Algy enters)

here is Ernest!

Miss Prism: That will be delightful. Cecily, you will read your "Political Economy" in my absence; the chapter on the "Fall of the Rupee" you may omit. It is somewhat too exciting for a young girl.

horrid political economy! horrid geography! horrid, horrid, German!

Algy: I am not really that wicked at all, cousin Cecily. you mustn't think I am wicked.

if you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. that would be hypocrisy.

G: And you will always call me Gwendoline, won't you?

if you wish.

G: From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right

it seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. no doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighborhood.

G: indeed?

my dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me.

A: they are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.

oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I wouldn't know what to talk to him about. (exit with Algy)

Jack. Well, at any rate, that is better than being always overdressed, as you are. (J exists) (C enter) Algy: ah, there you are!

oh, I merely came back to water the flowers. I thought you were with Uncle Jack.

G: yes.

oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his brother, his elder brother.

G: I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.

oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London.

G: Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also?

oh, no! I have no mother, nor, in fact any relations.

A: Cecily! your rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the church?

oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. he has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.

A: Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled?

on the fourteenth of June last. worn out of your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter on way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself, I accepted you here. the next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the bangle with the true lover's knot I promised you always to wear.

G: Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were—well, just a little older than you seem to be—and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly—

pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.

G: Thank you.

sugar?

A: to what young lady? Gwendoline! of course not! what could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?

thank you! you may.

G: Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays. ... You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.

to save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations any other girl, there are no lengths to which I would not go.

MP: do not speak slightingly of novels, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.

was your novel ever published?

A: Australia! I'd sooner die.

well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night you would have to choose between this world, the next world, or Australia.

MP: Cecily!

what is the matter Uncle Jack? do look happy! you look as if you had a toothache, and I have got such a surprise. who do you think is in the dining room? (pause) your brother!

A: thank you. won't you give me a rose? no, not a red, I'd sooner have a pink rose.

why?

G: your guardian?

yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward.

A: the accounts I have received of Australia and the next world are not encouraging. this world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.

yes, but are you good enough for it?

MP: memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary we all carry about with us.

yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that memory is responsible for nearly all the novels circulating in our libraries.

A: I will. I feel better already.

you are looking a little worse.

Algy: You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm sure.

you are under some strange mistake. I am not little. in fact, I am more than usually tall for my age. but I am cousin Cecily. you, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack's brother - my cousin Ernest. my wicked cousin Ernest.

A: about my what?

your emigrating. he is sending you to Australia.