Urinetown - Lockstock Lines

Bobby: Door? More like . . . a railing. And pigeons. A rooftop? Barrel: And a drop.

A decisive drop.

*Why Did I Listen to that Man? (End)* Booby: Hearrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttt!!!!!!!!

A shovel and a mop, Mister Barrel. You know the drill.

Barrel: People have gathered at all the rest. They're waiting to see what young Bobby will do.

After he meets with you, of course.

Barrel: Quite exiling. Old Man Strong: What if it is? I feel better now, and that's all I cares about. Bobby: Oh, pa.

Always knew we'd get you in the end, Joseph Strong. Take him away!

Bobby: Out late taking care of another late-night rush is all. There's talk of more fee hikes, people are getting edgy.

Are they? Well, I'm glad to hear you were otherwise engaged. Wouldn't want to put you under suspicion for taking a late-night-behind-the-bushes-

Little Sally: I'm very close, Officer. Only a few pennies away.

Aren't we all, Little Sally. Aren't we all.

Little Sally: Why not?

Because it's a secret, that's why. Its power depends on mystery. I can't just blurt it out, like "There is no Urinetown! We just kill people!" Oh no. The information must be oozed out slowly until it bursts forth in one mighty, cathartic moment! Somewhere in Act Two. With everybody singing, and things like that.

Old Man Strong: I did what I thought was necessary. Penny: Grab a mop, Bobby. Never thought I'd live to see the day.

Breaking the Public Health Act is an exiling offense, Strong.

CLadwell: Enough of your excuses, Lockstock! You've got weapons! Use them!

But sir -

*We're not Sorry (Verse 1)* Barrel: An absolute maze, that's what the sewer system is.

I'm going back down to give it another look. You stay here to guard the streets.

Hope: Oh, hello, Officers.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were on a late-night-behind-the-bushes-to-relieve-yourself-for-free kind of walk.

Little Sally: Officer Lockstock? Where'd you go?

Just keeping my head down, Little Sally. Something you should learn how to do.

Hope: Oh no, Officers. I'm just coming home from work. First day. Barrel: Long hours.

Just like us.

Little Sally: What kind of a musical is this?! The good guys finally take over and then everything starts falling apart?!

Like I said, Little Sally, this isn't a happy musical.

Barrel: Especially these days, what with the new fee hikes and all. Hope: Oh, I'm not afraid of people, Officers.

Oh, no?

Barrel: To Rio, of course.

Oh. Yes. Rio. Well, I had to squeeze Cladwell a bit tighter than usual for our monthly payoffs, extortion fees, money bribes, and such. But-

Barrel: Sure, same as always. Did you hear him scream, though, Mister Lockstock?

Old Man Strong?

Barrel: Bobby Strong!

Out a bit late, don't you think?

Bobby: I guess I still don't understand. Barrel: Never fear, the time of understanding is at hand!

Welcome, then! To the very gates of Urinetown itself!

Little Sally: One big thing, huh?

That's right, Little Sally.

Little Sally: Sure. The way I see it... ... All: (Sings) For Urinetown is your town If you're hopeless, down-and-out!

(Sings) For Urinetown is your town If you're hopeless, down-and-out! [Out! Out! Out! Out!] (Speaks) Where'd she go?! Damn it. Welcome back, everybody. And enjoy - what's left of the show. Little Sally . . . Little Sally . . . What did you mean by "metaphysical"?

Barrel: Rather later than sooner, I'd say. Bobby: But not to Hope! Oh, please, not to Hope!

(Sings) Now we've fin'lly got you. Now you're in our claws, Captured in our city Of laws. There's no trial or jury, nothing to discus. Now the law is speaking Through us. You'll get Urinetown! Off with you to Urinetown! Away with you to Urinetown! Now, no more fuss.

Old Man Strong: Bobby! Bobby: Pa! Old Man Strong: Don't forget me, Bobby! ... Old Man Strong: Remember me, boys! Oh God, what have I done?! Remember me!

(Sings) Remember, Bobby, what became oh him. [Remember] How he indulged a whim. [Remember] Remember how he made a mockery. He shunned the crockery. Off to the dockery! Don't be like him. (Speaks) Just keep your head out of the clouds, that's al I'm saying. Good day.

*Why Did I Listen to that Man (Penny & Fipp)* You lied to us, Cladwell!! You told us one thing, then you did another! That's what you did, Cladwell!! That's what you did!

Com on then, young Bobby. You can't keep screaming all the way down to Urinetown.

Barrel: I suppose I thought he might be different, somehow.

Different?

Not really. Everyone has a heart, you see. As long as you know that you need never fear a soul.

Everyone?

Little Sally: Oh, yeah, right, Thanks for the coin! Bye! Barrel: What a night.

Everything cleaned up alright, Mister Barrel?

Little Sally: Oh. I guess you don't want to overload them with too much exposition, huh?

Everything in its time, Little Sally. You're too young to understand it now, but nothing can kill a show like too much exposition.

Little Sally: Gee thanks. Say, Officer Lockstock, I was thinkin'. We don't spend much time on hydraulics, do we?

Hydraulics, Little Sally?

Hope: There's some kind of big vote down at the Legislature tonight. Plenty of faxing to do. Barrel: And copying, I imagine. Hope: Oh yes. And copying.

I must say, Ms. Cladwell, your father mentioned the size and purity of your heart. He neglected, however, to mention the size and purity of your beauty.

Barrel: And I love you. Very much.

I see.

Little Sally: That - and the title's awful. Can't we do a happy musical next time?

If there is a next time, I'm sure we can. Well, that's our story. Hope eventually joined her father in a manner not quite so gentle. Mister McQueen opened and bottling factory just outside of Brasília, which did rather well until the Amazon dried up. Then he moved. As for the people of this town, they did the best they could. But they were prepared for the world they inherited, weaned as they were on the legend born of their founding father's scare tactics. For when the water dried up, they recognized their town for the first time for what it really was. What it was always waiting to be.

Barrel: Old Man Strong. Always seemed a bit tougher than the rest. I was hoping he might . . . I don't know . . . surprise us, somehow.

If there's one thing I've learned in my many years of enforcing the laws of this city, it's that the journey down to Urinetown offers no surprises. Not even from the very toughest amongst us. On that journey expect only the expected. (Sings) It's a hard, cold tumble of a journey, Worthy of a gurney, a bumble down, A slapped face, smacked with a mace, Certain to debase, is our stumble down. It's a path that leads you only one place, Horrible to retrace, a crumble down. A hard, cold, tumble of a tourney Jumble of a journey to Urinetown. Julie Cassidy Went to a field behind a tree, Saw there was no one who could see Her pee [But me] And Jacob Rosenbloom Thought he was safe up in his room, Didn't know the jars he kept up there Would obligate a trip to a urine tomb! There are those who think our methods vicious- [Overly malicious-] A bunch of brutes. But it's we who gather for the people- [Tavern to the steeple-] Lawful fruits! Our task: bring a little order- [Swindle out a hoarder-] From what he loots As the book says, "Certainly a season"- [Trample out a reason-] With hobnail boots! Roger Roosevelt Kept a cup below his belt, Cup ran over when he knelt He smelt- [We delt] And Joseph "Old Man" Strong Held his pee for much too long. Hoped his son might bail him out, His guess was good but also wrong! Years past all lived in a jungle, Scooping out a bungle, natures bowl. Life of constant deprivation, Certain aggravation took its tool. Soon learned power of the truncheon. Organize a function, king to prawn. So if peace is what you're after, Urinetown's the rafter to hang it on. [Julie Cassidy] [Jacob Rosenbloom] [Roger Roosevelt] [Jacob Rosenbloom] [Julie Cassidy] [Joseph "Old Man" Strong] Don't be like them! Don't be like them! Don't be like them! It's a hard cold Tumble of a journey, Worthy of a gurney, A bumble down, A slapped face, Smacked with a mace, Certain to debase, Is our stumble down. It's a path that eads you only one place Horrible to retrace, a crumble down. A hard, cold tumble of a tourney, Jumble of a journey to Urinetown. (Speaks) Off you go, then boys. And happy hunting.

Hope: Does beauty have a size, Officer?

In some countries. I'd take care on these streets lat at night, Ms. Cladwell. There's no teling what some people wouldn't do for a few coins.

Old Man Strong: Ahhh. That's better. Barrel: So, if it ain't Old Man Strong. Old Man Strong: The same.

Is this your doing strong?

Barrel: I've been meaning to ask, Mister Lockstock. Do you ever . . . have doubts about what we've been doing? About the killings and all?

It may surprise you to learn that sometimes I do, but the health and security of this town are my primary concerns. I love the people of this community, Mister Barrel. Very much. Cladwell's edicts may be their only chance.

Fipp: What did I tell you, Cladwell?... ... *Don't be the Bunny* Bobby: A little spillage, nothing to be concerned about. The people are happy, that's the main thing. Little Becky: Police! Robby the Stockfish: Run! Bobby: Wait! Wait! Please, everyone, remain calm!

It'll take a lot of explaining to keep us calm, Bobby Strong.

Penny: You hear the news? The carted Old So-and-So off to Urinetown the other day. Bobby: Is that so? What he do? Penny: Oh, such-and-such I hear. Bobby: Well, what do you know? Old So-and-So.

It's kind of a mythical place, you understand. A bad place. A place you won't see until Act Two. And then . . . ? Well, let's just say it's filled with symbolism and things like that. But Urinetown "the musical," well, here we are. Welcome. It takes place in a town like any town . . . that you might find in a musical. This here's the first setting for the show. As the sign says, it's a "public amenity," meaning public toilet. These people have been waiting for hours to het in; it's the only amenity they can afford to get into.

Barrel: All right, then! Make way!

Make way, damn you! Make way!

Little Sally: Save it for one of your other stoolies, Officer Lockstock. My heart's with the rebellion. And besides, the way I see it, I'm already in Urintown. We all are. Even you.

Me? In Urinetown?

McQueen: And the Water Preservation Act. Fipp: Can they do that?! McQueen: Strictly symbolic, sir. The crowd gathered there is an unthinkably small percentage of the population as a whole. Hope: What's happening, Daddy? I don't understand. Cladwell: I wouldn't expect a good and pure heart like yours to understand.

Mister Barrel and I are ready, Mister Cladwell. Just give the word.

*I See a River (Verse 2)*

Of course, it wasn't long before the water turned silty, brackish, and then disappeared altogether. As cruel as Caldwell B. Cladwell was, his measures effectively regulated water consumption, sparing the town the same fate as the phantom Urinetown. Hop chose to ignore the warning signs, however, preferring to bask in the people's love for as long as it lasted.

*Urinetown* *Privilege to Pee* Bobby: Pa! Pa, what are ya doin'?! Have ya lost your mind?! Old Man Strong: More than that, boy! A whole lot more than that! Soupy Sue: Looky there! Robby the Stockfish: It's Old Man Strong! He ain't waitin'! Little Becky: He's peein' right there on the pavement, he is! Tiny Tom: If he's goin', then I'm goin'!

Oh no, you're not!

Barrel: All the way down to Urinetown.

Oh yes, I heard him, Mister Barrel. But then, they all seem to scream in the end, now don't they. As their long journey into "exile" comes to a close and the spires of Urinetown peek above the horizon? They do scream then, Mister Barrel. They most certainly do.

Little Sally: Urinetown.

Oh, I can't tell you that, Little Sally.

Little Sally: But aren't you scared the rebels will see you?

Oh, I may be a cop, but I'm also the narrator. So no one ca touch me, not if they want the show to end.

*What is Urinetown? (Verse 1 & Chorus 1)* Hot Blades Harry: So don't get your hopes up. And I say if they're not back soon, we give it to her like her father was gonna give it to us.

People hear lots of things about Urinetown, of course and that's just the way we like it. For example, a little boy once asked me, "Is Urinetown actually a nice place to live? Gingerbread houses along golden, frothy canals? Like Venice, but different?" I didn't say yes. I didn't say no either.

Little Sally: Oh. Then why not hydraulics?

Run along then, Little Sally. Wouldn't want you to miss last call. Ms. Pennywise won't hold the gate forever you know.

Old Man Strong: It is.

Seize Him!

Barrel: If I'm not mistaken, that there's his daughter.

So it is. And all grown up, too. Ms. Cladwell! A little late for you to be out, don't you think?

*Snuff That Girl* *Run, Freedom, Run* ... Bobby: The people fight by any means necessary. Mrs. Millennium: The streets are still ours, Mister Strong. Your people are just holed up in some underground sewer. Bobby: They'll be up.

Sorry to interrupt, Mister Cladwell. There's a disturbance over at Public Amenity Number Thirty-two, Number Fifteen as well. Word's begun to spread.

Hope: Good night, Officers. Barrel: Good night, Bobby. *Follow Your Heart* Little Sally: She loves him, doesn't she, Officer Lockstock?

Sure she does, Little Sally. He's the hero of the show, she has to love him.

Little Sally: Oh. Just tryin' to scrape together a few coins before the late-night rush is all. Got one to spare?

Sure, Little Sally. I'm in a good mood tonight.

Little Sally: Easy on me?! You mean like sending me to the nice part of Urinetown?!

That can be arranged.

Bobby: How could it be that we're in our town and Urinetown at the same time . . . unless . . . unless . . . dear God, no! You couldn't have! Barrel: Over you go, then. Bobby: Wait a minute, you're just going to throw me off this roof and that's supposed to be Urinetown?! Death is Urinetown?!

That's one interpretation.

Little Sally: And you can't just go in the bushes either - there's laws against it.

That's right, Little Sally. Harsh laws, too. That's why Little Sally here's counting her pennies. Isn't that so, Little Sally.

Little Sally: The next morning at the amenity, when the new fee hikes are announced?

That's the one. So long for now, Little Sally. And keep your head down.

*Look at the Sky* McQueen: Anyway . . . it's about Public Amenity Number Nine, sir. The people have rioted. Cladwell: Rioted?! Penny: They're peeing for free, Cladwell. I tried to stop them.

The assistant custodian is refusing to take people's money, sir. A young man by the name of Bobby Strong.

*Why Did I Listen to that Man (Hope)* Bobby: So what's it like, this Urinetown that I've heard so much about? Barrel: Perhaps better for us to "show" you. Bobby: What's this? Where are we? Barrel: You, my boy, stand on the very threshold to a new world.

The door is in front of you. Step through and Urinetown awaits.

Hope: Bobby Strong?

They've rescinded the Public Health Act.

Barrel: Hm . . . yes. So, have you made plans for your journey yet?

To Urinetown?

Cladwell: I want them found, damn it! I want my daughter released and I want Bobby Strong punished!

We're working around the clock, sir. But as the sign says, it is a secret hideout, so -

Little Sally: Snuff out the uprising? But what about Bobby's dreams?

Well now, Little Sally, dreams only come true in happy musicals - and a few Hollywood movies - and this certainly isn't either one of those. No, dreams are meant to be crushed. It's nature's way.

Little Sally: Oh. I get it.

Well, I should be going. It's time for the next scene.

Barrel: Caution, Mister Lockstock. It would seem we're no longer alone.

Well, I'll be.

Little Sally: Or a bad title, even? That could kill a show pretty good.

Well, Little Sally, suffice it to say that in Urinetown (the musical) everyone has to use public bathrooms in order to take care of their private business. That's the central conceit of the show. (Sings) Better hope your pennies Add up to the fee- We can't have you peeing For free. If you do we'll catch you. We, we never fail! And we never bother with jail. You'll get Urinetown! Off you'll go to Urinetown! Away with you to Urinetown! You won't need bail. (Speaks) Later on you'll learn that these public bathrooms are controlled by a private company. They keep admission high, generally, so if you're down on your luck, you have to come to a place like this - one of the poorest, filthiest, urinals in town.

Barrel: Well, that went pretty well. *We're not Sorry* *I See a River (Verse 1)*

Well, as you guessed, Hope took over her father's business, instituting a series of reforms that opened the public bathrooms to all the people, to pee for free whenever they liked, as much as they liked, for as long as they liked, with whomever they liked. The UGC was renamed the Bobby Strong Memorial Toilet Authority and was operated as a public trust for the benefit of the public.

*Mr. Cladwell* Little Sally: . . . Five hundred and thirty-seven, five hundred and thirty-eight, just a few more . . .

Well, hello there, Little Sally. Awfully late for a little girl to be out and about. Especially on a night like tonight.

*Act Two Opening Vamp*

Well, hello there. And welcome - to Act Two! Things have changed here a bit since last we saw each other, so I'll bring you up to speed on a few things. As you may remember, the rebel poor under Bobby's leadership kidnapped Hope and used her as a shield to escape due punishment from my . . . man. Word has it they're holed uo in some secret hideout somewhere. Perhaps the one - here.

*Overture*

Well, hello there. And welcome - to Urinetown. Not the place, of course. The musical. Urinetown "the place" is . . . well, it's a place you'll here people referring to a lot thought the show.

Little Sally: This may not be a happy musical, Officer Lockstock... *Act One Finale* Bobby: Now run, everybody! Run for your lives! RUN!!

Well, that's it for Act One. As you can see, the rebel poor are making their getaway with Hope as a hostage. The rest of us have been thrown into confusion because - well, because we're all moving so damned slowly. So we don't get to catch them. Not yet. Enjoy intermission, and see you - shortly!

Bobby: And how did my father end up?

Well, we're off. Our work's never done. Good night.

Bobby: It's quite a way from here, ma'am. This here's the bad part of town. . . . Hope: Oh dear, I'm late already. Thanks ever so much for the directions and such. Bye! Bobby: Anytime.

Well, we've talked on long enough, I imagine. Enjoy the show. And welcome - to Urinetown (the musical)!

Little Sally: How about bad subject matter?

Well-

Hope: Everyone. Barrel: Even criminals? Hope: Even criminals. Bobby: Even policemen?

Whaa-?!

Bobby: But Hope, she's still with the others. What happens to me happens to her.

What happens to you happens to all of us sooner or later.

Bobby: I don't need to do that anymore, Officers. Not while I work for Penny, I don't. Barrel: But you still need to keep your head out of the clouds now, don't you? Bobby: What do you mean by that?

What he means is, you're a good boy, Bobby Strong. See that you don't end up like your father.

Little Sally: Say, Officer Lockstock, it this where you tell the audience about the water shortage?

What's that, Little Sally?

Little Sally: Yeah. Everyone loves Bobby Strong. What's it like, Officer Lockstock?

What's what like, Little Sally?

*What is Urinetown? (Verse 2, Chorus 2, Verse 3, & Chorus 3)* Josephine: Your heart is like a stallion? Bobby: I'll explain along the way, Ma. C'mon, let's go.

Where are they hiding, Little Sally?! Tell me and I'll see things go easy on you.

Little Sally: You know, the water shortage. The hard times. The drought. A shortage so awful that private toilets eventually became unthinkable. A premise so absurd that-

Whoa there, Little Sally. Not all at once. They'll hear more about the water shortage in the next scene.

*I See a River (Verse 3)* Little Sally: I don't think too many people are going to come see this musical, Officer Lockstock.

Why do you say that, Little Sally? Don't you think people want to be told that their way of life is unsustainable?

Bobby: We've taken control of this amenity, Officers. The people here pee for free. Cladwell: That's my amenity, Officers. I want all of these people taken away. Little Sally: Officer Lockstock, what's happening?

Why, it's the Act One finale, Little Sally. This is where Cladwell arrives to snuff out the uprising. It's a big song-and-dance number involving the entire cast.

Little Sally: You know, hydraulics. Hydration. Irrigation. Or just plain old laundry. Seems to me that with all the talk of water shortage and drought and whatnot, we might spend some time on those things, too. After all, a dry spell would affect hydraulics, too, you know.

Why, sure it would, Little Sally. But . . . How shall I put it? Sometimes - in a musical - it's better to focus on one big thing rather than a whole lot of little things. The audience tends to be much happier that way. And it's easier to write.

Little Sally: But the music's so happy!

Yes, Little Sally. Yes it is.

*What is Urinetown (Cad/Dad)* Bobby: Look, there's Public Amenity Number Forty-seven. And the Legislature. And . . . and my boyhood home! Why, we're just standing on top of the UGC headquarters building. And this . . . this is our town!

Yes. Yes it is.

Hope: Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me the way to the private company that controls these public bathrooms? Bobby: You mean Urine Good Company? Hope: That's the one.

You'll meet the guy who runs Urine Good Company later. That there's his daughter.

The Poor: [Gasp]

You've done a terrible thing here today, Strong.