Ch. 11 Liking, Loving & Attraction

What expression expresses the meaning of the physical attractiveness stereotype?

"what is beautiful is good"

Happiness

feeling connected, free and capable

How do we reward ourselves (The Self) with good taste?

intimate relationships start with one person liking the other and being "attracted" which initiates the liking. We start to like someone when they think we are good and prefer those who see us as positive. Not only similar to us, but thinks we are awesome as well. this fails when liking seems insincere

What could reduce physical pain and emotional pain from ostracism?

looking at a loved ones picture ostracism is a real pain and love is a natural painkiller

Which gender tends to fall in love more readily?

men

Social comparison

not all attraction is hardwired; what is attractive to you depends on your comparison standards. CONTRAST EFFECT: when a viewing an especially attractive person strangers, everyday women and relationship partners appear less attractive than they normally do; pornography simulate sex but decreases satisfaction in one's own partner.

halo effect

not just physical attractive but also has other attributable qualities.

What happens to our self-perceptions after viewing an especially attractive person?

of the same gender people rate themselves as less attractive than after viewing a homely person.

According to Schachter and Singer's (1962) two-factor theory of emotion, where should you take a person you really like on a first date?

on a roller coaster

Do opposites attract?

opposites can attract, but similarity prevails, but why do we still go against what is similar? the needs of an outgoing and domineering person would naturally complement those of someone who is shy and submissive complementarity: popularly supposed tendency in a relationship between two people for each to complete what is missing in the other. this evolves from relationship progression and finding what we like, but we ultimately marry similar to us.

The need to belong

our primary need and the need to belong drives most things in our lives. when we belong we feel supported by close, intimate relationships, we tend to be happier and healthier. to feel AUTONOMY and COMPETENCE

Doting inoculation

over time, compliments lost their positive-affective effects, and we become familiar with our partner's affections. We would rather someone be honest. Honesty preserves a relationship; the most satisfied couples who are really in love with you will be honest and look through the rose-colored glasses.

What is the hormones are related to monogamy?

oxytocin and vessopressin; ape ancestors tend to be polygamous

What do studies on computer composites of faces show?

perfectly average is quite attractive.

Twelve-mont-old Joshua enters an un familiar lab playroom with his mother. when she leaves, he gets distressed. when she returns, he runs to her and hugs her close. after this intense reunion, he returns to playing what style of attachment is this?

secure

Any truth that may be associated with the what-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype is likely a result from?

self-fulfilling prophecies.

Attachment

social bonds; our infant dependency strengthens human bonds and we soon after birth exhibit love, fear and anger. we prefer familiar faces and voices and smile when parents give us attention. By keeping infants close to caregivers, strong social attachment serves as a powerful survival impulse. sometimes we feel passionate love toward parents because passionate love is not just for lovers in contrast deprived familiar attachments like neglect may cause children to become withdrawn, frightened and silent.

Matching phenomenon (asset matching)

tendency for men and women to choose as partners those who are a "good match" in attractiveness and other traits; usually to our level of intelligence, popularity, and self-worth but also attractiveness. sometimes deep physical attractiveness breeds deeper love in future.

Mere-exposure effect

tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them; familiarity breeds liking. We like what is familiar to us we focus on liking things associated with oneself. exposure has an effect on comfortability, even exposure without awareness leads to liking is very strong predisposes our attractions and attachments Negative it can cause automatic, unconscious prejudice of those who are different than ourselves. when we are faced with two things we don't know we pick what is most familiar.

Spouses are more likely than random paired people to share common attitudes beliefs, and values. The......... the similarity, the...........the couple

the GREATER the similarity the HAPPIER the couple

What type of person benefits in social situations?

the introvert

Rosalinda, who is attractive, very intelligent and high in social status marries Jorge, who is also attractive, very intelligent and high in social status. What is their relationship an example of?

the matching phenomenon

Likeness begets liking

the more similar someone's attitudes are to your own, the more you like that person. we like those who share our attitudes, personality traits, appearance and act like us. long hair people sit closer to people with long hair, dark hair with dark hair, glasses with glasses even after controlling race and sex. also roommates who shared values and personality traits flourished , but more so when perceived roommates as similar, because reality matters, but perceptions matter more. Whether in China or the Western world, similar attitudes, traits and values help bring couples together and predicts their satisfaction.

How is love like a drug?

the passionate high is fated to become lukewarm and the no-longer-romantic relationship becomes taken for granted until it ends and the the widower is surprised at how empty life now seems without the person they long ago stopped feeling passionately attached to having focused on what was not working, they forgot what was working.

Darley and Berscheid (1967) gave university women ambiguous information about two other women and then asked how much they liked these people, the participants reported feeling more attracted what type of person?

the person they expected they would eventually meet

What happens when there is a couple and one parter has negative Self-esteem and there other parter thinks positively about the parter who has low self-esteem?

the person with negative self-esteem will not feel like it is sincere because compliments aren't valuable when self-esteem is low.

Ingratiation

the use of strategies, such as flattery in order to gain another person's favor

When unacquainted male-female pairs gazed intently for two minutes into each other's eyes for a project, what were the results?

they felt attraction and affection

What are some negative's in social comparison?

trick us into devaluing our potential mates and ourselves and spending billions on cosmetics, diet aids, and plastic surgery. we are never going to be happy all the time, we are always wanting something more as humans.

Long-term equity on relationships

true friends tune into one another's needs even when reciprocation is impossible. happily married people tend not to keep score of how much they are giving and getting, as people observe partners being self-giving it boosts trust.

What contributes to physical attractiveness stereotype most?

Children learn these stereotypes early from parents from their biases. adults judge with adults and children judge with children

What are the differences between compassionate and passionate love?

Compassionate love is lower key; deep and affectionate attachment but activates different parts of the brain. passion starts a relationship, but compassion sustains it

What do we do when we compare ourselves and others to models and other beautiful people in the media?

Devalue our potential mates and ourselves.

What are two predictors of bonding?

Proximity and interacting

How do we measure love?

Robert Sternberg views love as a triangle consisting of three components: passion, intimacy and commitment

Attachment styles (3 types)

Secure attachment: attachments rooted in trust and marked by intimacy (interdependency) 7 in 10 infants exhibit and many adults. if infant placed in strange situation and mother leaves baby is distressed, but when mom returns they run to her, hold her and relax and return to playing. relationships tend to be satisfying and enduring Avoidant attachment: attachments marked by discomfort over or resistance of being close to others; reveal little distress during separation or clinging upon reunion. adults who avoid tend to be less invested in relationships and more likely to leave them. this infant doesn't care if the mom leaves the room or not. 2 in 10 infants and adults display this style Insecure attachment: attachments marked by anxiety or ambivalence; extreme dependency and mistrust. infant more likely to cling anxiously to mother and cry when she leaves and upon return the infant may be indifferent or hostile. adults who are insecure are less trusting and more fretful of partner finding someone else which is why possessiveness and jealousy is possible. couples may break up all the time with the same person with the same vicious cycle.

Sociometer on liking, loving and attraction or interpersonal relationships

Gauges value on how others see you and motivates you to find what you like.

Two-factor model of emotion

Intense arousal (+) situational attribution being aroused by any source should intensify passionate feelings; those who do exciting activities together report the best relationships and after doing a rather mundane lab task, couples still reported higher satisfaction with their overall relationship. So passionate love is biological as well as psychological phenomena. love is also a social phenomenon passionate love = lust (+) attatchment

Reward theory of attraction

Two versions 1. those who reward us, or whose we associate with rewards we like. If a relationship gives us more rewards than costs, we will like it and will wish it to continue, and this will be especially true if the relationship is more profitable than other relationships. 2. We not only like people who are rewarding to be with but ALSO we like those we associate with good feelings. Conditioning creates positive feelings toward things and people linked with rewarding events. Relationships tend to dissolve when someone in the relationship is no longer making the other person feel "good"

How do we feel about obstacles?

We appreciate those who struggle and persevere rather than someone who faces no obstacles.

How do we reward similarity?

We feel rewarded because we presume that they like us in return. Moreover, those who share our views help validate them. We especially especially like people if we have successfully converted them into our way of thinking.

Anticipation of interaction

We like what we envision or expect. expecting to date someone boosts liking. voters on the losing side of an election finding positivity in winning party. phenomenon is adaptive. expecting someone will be pleasant and compatible increases the chance of forming a rewarding relationship

What culture becomes dissatisfied when the "buzz" of passion fades?

Westerners (us); but asians focus less on personal feelings and more on the practical aspects of social attachments being less vulnerable to disillusionment. asians are also less prone to self-focused individualism that in the long run can undermine relationships and end in divorce.

Rebound effect

What happens after rejection. People prefer those attitudes toward us move more positively over time, we want those who initially dislike us and change those who liked us originally but came to see us more negatively. Women who feel rejected are particularly susceptible to the kind person who follows.

Implicit egotism

What we like and associate with ourselves; influence major life decisions including locations and careers. greater likelihood to marry someone who shares initials. People choose disproportionally to move to new places and choose careers with the same letter of their first or last name.

Ostracism

acts of excluding or ignoring. humans in all cultures, whether schools, workplaces or homes, use ostracism to regulate social behavior; being avoided, silent treatment, even not knowing the language people are speaking is exclusion. Ostracizing leads to LOWER SELF-ESTEEM, HURT FEELINGS (anxiety, sadness, frustration and sometimes physical pain. also LOWER SELF-CONTROL (seen problematic in men) people, ESPECIALLY WOMEN respond to ostracism with depressed or numbed mood, anxiety, hurt feelings, efforts to restore relationships and eventual withdrawal. silent treatment seen as emotional abuse and a terrible weapon to use and empathy helps the rejected

Compassionate love

affection we feel for those with those in our lives are deeply intertwined. if a close relationship is to endure, it will settle to a steadier but still warm afterglow. in this type of love passion-facilitating hormones (testosterone, dopamine, adrenaline) subside, while the hormone oxytocin supports feelings of attachment and trust.

What is the primal (first reaction) response to ostracism?

agression

Physical appearance

animalistic side of us; humans are truly superficial and sometimes justify the behavior of "the beautiful" or "the attractive" and is a good predictor of dating frequency. attractiveness more important to men and honesty, humor, kindness and dependability more important to women, but both males and females use attractiveness as base

What happens when arousal is increased?

anxiety goes up because connected to hippocampus and amygdala.

When does exclusion hurt people the most?

anxious people; younger rather than older adults; groups

What happens when praise clearly violates what we known is true?

we may lose respect for the flatterer and wonder whether the compliment springs from other motives which is why perceive criticism as more sincere than praise, "to be honest" usually comes before criticism

Perceived equity

when someone in the relationship feels like they do more than the other.

False consensus bias

when we assume that others share our attitudes and are similar to us. as disagreement arises, our feelings sour especially with disconnection between attitudes central to our own self-concept.

Dissimilarity breeds dislike

when we get to know someone and discover that they are dissimilar liking decreases. Dissimilar attitudes depress liking more than similar attitudes enhance it; straight men often disdain gay men.

Similarity and dissimilarity and racial attitudes

whether people perceive those of another race as similar or dissimilar influences their racial attitudes. perception of like minds is important for attraction than like skins. Most whites have expressed more liking for, and willingness to work with a like-minded black man than a dissimilarly minded white man. The more whites presume that blacks support their values, the more positive their racial attitudes

Responses to relationship distress

constructive: LOYALTY (await improvement/ passive) VOICE (seek to improve relationships/active) destructive: NEGLECT (ignore the partner/passive) EXIT (end the relationship/active)

Schafer and Keith (1980) conducted surveys of several hundred married couples and found that spouses who perceived inequity in their marriage felt what emotions?

distressed and depressed

What is the dependent variable in measuring relationship success?

divorce; individualistic countries marry for as long as we both shall love and expect more passion and personal fulfillment which puts pressure on relationship; and collectivists more often marry for life.

What are predictors of people STAYING MARRIED?

-married after age 20 -both grew up in stable, two-parent homes -dated for a long while before marriage -well and similarly educated -enjoy stable income from a good job -live in a small town or on a farm -did not cohabit or become pregnant before marriage -religiously committed -are of similar age, faith and education.

Passionate love

A state of intense longing for union with one another; all doped up on dopamine and on cloud nine. One feels fulfilled and joyous, and if not one feels empty or despairing. Involves a roller coaster of elation and gloom, tingling exhilaration and is what you feel when you not only love someone, but when you are IN LOVE with him or her. a psychological experience of being biologically aroused by someone we find attractive.

Self-disclosure

As a relationship grows, self-disclosing partners reveal more and more of themselves to each other; their knowledge of each others penetrates to deeper levels; shares successes and triumphs, and mutual delight over good happenings. When a loved one rejoices over good new, it not only increases our joy about the event, but about the relationship and improves bonds between people.

First impressions

Attractiveness is processed automatically. We judge others by looks, and therefore first impressions are influenced by physical attractiveness. People rate new products more favorably when associated with attractive inventors, this explains why impressions help explain why attractive people and tall people have more prestigious jobs and make more money Pretty is perceived promptly and primes positive processing

According to Baumeister and others (2001) research found that in everyday life........ events have stronger and more lasting consequences than......... events

BAD events have stronger and more lasting consequences than GOOD events.

How is proximity rewarding?

Because it costs less time and effort to receive friendship's benefits with someone who lives or works close by.

How is attractiveness rewarding?

Because we perceive that people offer other desirable traits and because we benefit by associating with them.

Brent is a white man who is given a choice to work with Darwin or Ken. Darwin is a black man who shares many of Brent's values and attitudes. Ken is a white man who shares a very small amount of commonalities with Brent. Who will Brent most like and want to work with most?

Darwin

What is the result on early attachment?

Early attachment experiences form the basis of INTERNAL WORKING MODELS; so sensitive, responsive mothers typically have securely attached infants. Youths who have experienced nurturant and involved parenting tend to have warmer supportive relationships with romantic partners. Other contrasting research may reflect inherited temperament with attachment styles. teens who are prone to anger and anxiety tend to have as young adults, more fragile relationships; essentially early attachment styles lay out foundation for future relationships.

What are differences in love in gender

Men seem to fall out of love slower and are less likely to fall out of love more slowly and less likely than women to break up premarital romance. men more often are first to say "i love you" ONCE IN LOVE HOWEVER; women are typically as emotionally involved as their partners or more. women more likely feel euphoric and giddy and carefree and more likely than men to focus on intimacy of the friendship and on their concern for their partner. Men are more likely than women to think about the playful and physical aspects of the relationship.

Gender differences on matching

Men typically offer wealth or status and seek youth and attractiveness; women more often do the reverse. men who advertise income and education and women who advertise youth and looks receive more responses to their ads. asset matching process explains why beautiful women marry older men of higher social status, the richer the man the younger and more beautiful the woman.

Exclusion

Minority groups who feel excluded show many of the same patterns; high rates of aggression and antisocial behavior, decreased willingness to cooperate and obey rules, poorer intellectual performance, more self-destructive acts, short-term focus, and the like. If we could promote a more inclusive society, where more people feel themselves accepted as valued members, some of these tragic patterns might be reduced.

Cultural racism

Modern conflict between race suspect isn't skin-deep but rather personality-deep; what separates groups is dissimilarity in attitude for example; people prefer similar cross-race others to dissimilar same-race others (also known known as realistic conflict theory) racism more personality based than race based.

Liking influences perception

Once individuals begin to like one another they find each other more physically attractive. Once we learn positive qualities of others' personalities, those qualities influence how we see them physically. Love provides with rose-colored glasses feeling similar to a drug high and a decrease in love causes us to question our relationships. In order to make sure and maintain a good relationship look past the "rose colored glasses" and more toward a realistic future rather than in the moment feelings.

Self-Determination Theory (SDT)( motivational/social theory)

Self-needs toward fulfillment that has three important components; Relatedness, Authenticity and Competence. all components are independent of one another Relatedness with others Authenticity (we are individuals) we create ourselves Competence; we are capable Without SDT in an individualistic culture suicide increases and in a collectivist culture don't but the things individualistic cultured individuals do; wealth and happiness are linear

Is the physical attraction stereotype accurate?

There is some truth; attractive children and young adults are somewhat more relaxed, outgoing, and socially polished. but the self-fulfilling prophecy says that attractive people are valued and favored, so many develop more social self-confidence. but overall. social skill is not how you look but how people treat you and how you feel about yourself; whether you accept yourself, like yourself and feel comfortable a lot of the time pretty people tend to get the benefit of the doubt.

You feel obligated to vote in the next election, especially because you are usually the first one to complain about the incumbent president. However, you have not had the time to research the positions taken by the candidates. Social psychologist would confidently predict that you are likely to choose what candidate?

Whose name you have heard most often.

What does the theory of attraction help us understand?

Why people everywhere feel attracted to those who are warm, trustworthy and responsive.

Do we like those who disclose?

YES not only do we like those who disclose, we also disclose to those we like and after disclosing we like them more and lacking of intimate disclosure experiences pain of lonliness

Who is attractive?

attractiveness is whatever people of any place and time find attractive. attractiveness influences life outcomes less in cultures of individuals with abundant resources, beauty more often equals slimness and for cultures with scarce resources and for poor or hungry people, plumpness is attractive. attractiveness influences life outcomes less in cultures where relationships are based more on kinship or social arrangement than on personal choice we like what is perfectly average, good symmetry indicates good genetics and genetic variability, and waist to hip ratio predicts child bearing prediction

What do our reactions depend on?

attributions (the action of regarding a quality or feature as characteristic of or possessed by a person or thing.)

What happens when we discover someone attractive likes us?

awakens romantic feelings; thinking about that someone who likes you tends to increase your thinking and feelings of attraction to that person.

why are older people sometimes have a harder times finding friends and may get depressed?

because all their friends start to die because older folks value social relationships more

Why do relationships generally not last?

because passion fades; hedonic treadmill; when we get past the rose-colored glasses we return back to before the relationship relationships also involve stressors such as anxiety and overestimation of the feelings of the stressor Delusion benefits of choice (buyers remorse)

What effects are shown on those who reveal and receive them?

best finding from DISCLOSURE RECIPROCITY EFFECT; tendency for one person's intimacy of self-disclosure to match that of a conversational partner. Appropriate intimacy and self-disclosure progresses slowly revealing a little at a time, but not too much.

proximity

geographical nearness powerfully predicts liking; research study on randomly assigning students found that students reported greater friendship with people that just happened to be sitting near them. we look tend to like those who we have crossed paths with in a neighborhood, at work, church, gym, etc. Enables people to discover commonalities and exchange rewards. interactions could lead to infatuation

Humans, especially Westerns are known as what?

hedonists; a person who believes that the pursuit of pleasure is the most important thing in life; a pleasure-seeker. We desire passion and its mesmerizing effect, but abhor anxieties/fear and their overwhelming power and are function and dysfunctional

Why is ostracism painful?

heightened activity in brain cortex area that activates responses to physical pain. hurt feelings are also embodied in a depressed heart rate BUT people remember and relive past social pain more easily than past physical pain

What do close relationships do for the Self?

helps define social identity that shapes our self-concept

Strong intimacy (self-disclosure)

helps explain why those who remarry after losing a spouse tend to begin the new marriage with an increased amount of sex and why passion often rides highest when intimacy is restored following severe conflict.

Attitude alignment

helps promote and sustain close relationships, that can also lead partners to overestimate their attitude similarities.

What does death sadness do?

helps us reevaluate ourselves and realize that some things aren't THAT important and relationships can readjust.

What does a more open and honest relationship offer?

honest relationship is one where people enjoy one another's esteem and acceptance yet are honest; and it is more likely to offer continuing rewards than one dulled by the suppression of unpleasant emotions. As a relationship ripens toward greater intimacy, what becomes increasingly important is authenticity, our ability to give up trying to make a good impression and being to reveal things about ourselves that are honest even if unsavory. If two people are genuinely fond of each other, they will have a more satisfying and exciting relationship over a longer period of time if they are able to express both positive and negative feelings than if they are completely "nice" to each other at all times.

Evolution and attraction

human preference for attractive partners in terms of reproductive strategy with important in health, youth and fertility. Men with attractive faces have higher quality sperm and women with hourglass figures have more regular menstrual cycles and are more fertile. women favor male traits that signify ability to provide and protect. women see muscular men as sexier and muscular men feel sexier. during ovulation women show heightened preference for men with masculinized faces, voices and bodies and will wear more revealing outfits when fertile than when infertile. we are driven by primal attractions.

Where do we see liking begetting liking a problem?

in abusive relationships

Mixing personalities

mixing personalities at first is engaging, but we still prefer similarity and feelings likely fade as individuals settle back into their default personality after the "initial relationship high" extraverts prefer extraverts and introverts prefer introverts (high SE folks prefer highSE folks)

What are some common elements in loving relationships?

mutual understanding, giving and receiving support, enjoying the loved one's company.

What type of person is more likely to divorce?

narcissists; they are more focused on their own desires and image and enter relationships with less commitment and less likelihood of long-term relational success.

Physical-attractiveness stereotype

presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well: "what is beautiful is good" we are eager to bond more with attractive people, which motivates our projecting desirable attributes such as kindness and reciprocal interest into them. stereotyping pretty people as; happy, smart, outgoing, successful, sexually warmer can cause those to alter appearance; hair dye, cosmetic surgery, etc. to reach satisfaction.

Equity

principle of attraction that says what you and your partner get out of the relationship should be proportional to what you each put into it. If two people receive equal outcomes, they should contribute equally; otherwise one or the other will feel it is unfair. everyday acquaintances maintain equity by lending notes for notes, inviting to a party and the same in return but for enduring relationships lovers feel freer to maintain equity by exchanging a variety of benefits and eventually to stop keeping track of who owes who. If someone feels like they are giving more dissatisfaction increases. When things go bad we focus on things that are of the past or not happening anymore.

What does oxytocin and vasopressin do in mouselike voles and humans?

produce good feelings that trigger male-female bonding. vasopressin = predicts marital stability