Chapter 10 Interpersonal Conflict

Forgiveness as an interactive process (Hargrave)

1. Agreement on the nature of the violation 2. Acknowledgement of the pain caused by the violation 3. An apology from the offender for the pain caused

Ho'oponopono

Hawaiian way of forgiveness. Assumes an underlying cosmology, a harmonious triangle relationship among God (Akua), the land (Aina), and the people (Kanaka). Any disturbance to one of these affects every aspect of the relationship.

The strand of forbearance

To refrain from revenge or punishment after someone has hurt us or transgressed against us. Essential to the forgiveness and reconciliation process because revenge, its opposite sets in motion in an uncontrollable chain of consequences that often eliminates the possibility of reconciliation.

Forgiveness

-Giving up the idea of a better past -Effort to change the terms of a relationship that has been disappointing, hurtful, or frustrating -Has a mental/cognitive dimension as well as an emotional/affective dimension -Does not condone the wrongdoing -Both internal and interpersonal process, the way we communicate/behave with the other person -Men view as weakness -Makes us plunge into the deepest understanding of humanity and morals, therefor it is the opposite of weak

Three-step model of forgiveness (Layton)

1. Injured Innocence: everything we believe about life is shattered 2. Obsession: we replay everything, what happened to us defines us 3. Transcendence: Despited everything that has happened, we believe life is actually a gift. Adjustment occurs, we can identify with others who have been in pain.

Receive forgiveness

Accepting forgiveness requires that we shift our focus away from ourselves, away of fear or retribution of our own feelings of guilt. We look beyond what we did and how our actions affected another person. Suddenly the way we view and define ourselves becomes more complex. Instead of seeing ourselves only in relation to something we did in the past, we are confronted now with responsibility for our choices.

Eddies

Areas where it is safe to pull over. Think the eddies in a river. People often get stuck in long term, low grade, simmering resentment. In this eddy a person may circle round and round looking for an opportunity to get even. Here, we may concentrate on the other persons offense, how that person has fared since doing us harm, and how he or she owes us a debt that may never be paid. The River looks like this: Eddy of Revenge-----E of Withdrawl----Eddy of Victimhood

Secondary Wound

Asks someone not to trust their own perceptions. May believe identity is in jeopardy. Occurs after the fact.

Kinds of Apologies

Expediate- Only benefits the person making the apology Compelled- Forced to apologize Delayed/Surrogate- offered from someone on behalf of someone else (Avoid these)

Decision or Process

Is forgiveness a decision or a process? The process of forgiveness is internal and there are about 18 stages.

Gestures

May indicate the process of forgiveness is underway or may have been completed in an implicit way.

The strand of empathy

Realizing the one who hurt us is, despite everything, a human being with terrible struggles of his or her own.

Imbalanced Power

Sometimes those in higher power/authority expect those in lower power to forgive.

Reconciliation

The process of reestablishing relationships, settling differences so that animosity and distrust are overcome If you forgive, you do not need to reconcile

The strand of truth

When people openly acknowledge the truth about what happened, conditions are established that make possible each succeeding step in the process of reconciliation.