Chapter 11 Committed Romantic Relationships

Secondary Love Style Mania

-Eros and Ludus -typically unsure that others really love them, devise tests and games to evaluate partner's commitment -emotional extremes, may obsess about a relationship and be unable to think about anyone or anything else.

Passion

- intensely positive feelings and fervent desire for another person. -not restricted to romantic relationships

2 reasons why people commit to relationships

- we find it comfortable and pleasing, value companionship, emotional support, financial assistance, practical benefits, etc. - to avoid negative consequences that would accompany ending it

Secondary Love Style Agape

-Storge and Eros -generous and selfless, they put a loved ones happiness ahead of their own without any expectation of reciprocity

Primary Love Style STORGE

-comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility. -develops gradually and is peaceful and stable -grows out of common interests, values, and life goals

Intimacy

-feelings of closeness , connection, and tenderness -affection and warm feelings for another person

Growth

-individuality -invitational communication - people signal that they are interested in interacting ( where are you from, I love this kind of music)attractiveness, self concept, proximity, similarity -Explorational communication - people fish for common interests, trying to reduce uncertainty about the other person -intensifying communication - spend more time together rely less on external structure, may feel they cant be together enough, increased depth of knowledge of each other -Revising communication - not in all relationships - problems are recognized, and partners evaluate whether they want to work through them -commitment - decision to stay with the relationship

deterioration

-intrapsychic - one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the relationship and to focus their thoughts on it problems. -dydadic- partners may start to neglect the rules and rituals -social support - partners look for friends and fam for support. self serving accounts of the breakup, criticize their exes -Grave digging - burying the relationship and accepting its end, and how it affected us. mourning -resurrection- move on with life without the other person, think of yourself as single

committment

-not the same thing as love -the more we invest in a relationship the greater our commitment is likely to be

Navigation

-ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs, and pleasant and unpleasant surprises. -experience tensions from relational dialectics -involves preventive maintenance and periodic repairs

Primary Love Style LUDUS

-playful love, see love as a game -it is an adventure full of scheming, challenges, puzzles, and fun, but love is not to be taken seriously -commitment is not the goal -they like to play the field

Secondary Love style Pragma

-practical love -blend of ludus and storge -clear criteria for partners

Committed Romantic relationships

:relationships between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing part of each other's lives. -these relationships are voluntary in western culture -created and sustained by unique people who cannot be replaced -involve romantic and sexual feelings which are not typically part of other relationships

3 primary styles of loving

Eros Storge Ludus

development of romantic relationships

Growth, navigation, deterioration

Dimensions of Romantic Relationships

Intimacy Passion commitment

Secondary Styles of Love

Pragma Mania Agape

Primary love style EROS

powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically -most intuitive and spontaneous of all love styles and is also the fastest moving -self disclose early in the relationship and fall in love fast -men are more likely than women to be erotic lovers

relational culture

private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship