Chapter 7-8-9 Communication

Makers in relationships

- Can be interactions or objects (pet names, holding hands, wearing matching clothes, wedding rings) - Indicate the state of the relationship - Have meaning to both the couple & others

Nonverbal communication channels

- Facial expressions, eye contact, and gaze - Vocal cues and silence - Body movement, posture, stance, and gestures - Clothing and personal artifacts - Touch - Colour

Relationship contexts

- Family (development of internal working models) - Friends (childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle adulthood) - Romantic partners - Work colleagues (relationships of circumstance, relationships of choice, working and social friendships, romantic relationships)

Relieving tension and satisfying bodily needs (adaptors)

- Gestures designed to satisfy some need ex: adjusting clothes, shifting position, or twisting a stand of hair - Adaptors convey information, which may be meaningful or meaningless. ex: if you stroke your arm, it could indicate you are nervous - or that your arm is hurting.

Need for affection

- Ideal personal type - individual who wants to be liked but feels comfortable in situations that may result in dislike - Underpersonal type - individual who feels undervalued and seeks to avoid close relationships - Overpersonal type - individual who seeks to establish close relationships with everyone, regardless of whether others show interest

Complementing, repeating, and accenting (illustrators)

- Illustrators complement, repeat, or add emphasis to verbal messages. ex: smiling warmly when saying "I love you," slapping your hand on the table when saying "No!", or pointing to a watch as you say the time - Illustrators have no meaning on their own; they get their meaning from the accompanying words and the context. - Illustrators differ from replacing or substituting function because they accompany words.

Contexts in which motional intelligence manifests

- In our personal lives - In our social lives - In our workplaces

Stages of romantic relationships

- Knapp identified ten stages through which relationships move: five "coming together" stages and give "coming apart" stages. - Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond compared the stages of relationships to an elevator ride, where we may - get off at each floor, look around, and maybe stay for a short or long time; - skip floors and take a fast ride upward to intimacy; or - fail to find what we have been looking for, turn around, and go down again.

Secondary Functions of nonverbal communication

- Making first impressions and violating expectations - Making connections through immediacy - Building and maintaining relationships

Turning Points

- Markers often signal a turning point in the relationship. We associate these markers (specific events or interactions) with a change in the relationship. Ex: First kiss, first time saying "I love you," first fight, first trip together, wedding ceremony. - Often (55% of the time), turning points inspire a discussion about where the relationship is.

Personal space

- Proxemics - How people perceive and use personal space and distance. - Varies from culture to culture - Comfortable if you can touch their ear distance wise.

Origins of relationships

- Relationships of Circumstance - relationships that develop because of situations or circumstances in which we find ourselves. - Relationships of Choice - relationships we actively seek out and choose to develop

The internal drive to self-disclose

- Reward centre in the brain light up more when we talk about ourselves than when we talk about others. - Volunteers in experiments accept less money in exchange for the chance to talk about themselves. - Writing about traumatic, stressful, or emotional events boosts our emotional and physical health. - People enjoy sharing secrets, as witnessed by the PostSecret.com website.

Coming Apart: Circumscribing

- You communicate less often with the other person. - Your talk revolves around safe and impersonal topics. - You share fewer of your problems with the other person. - Your commitment to the relationship declines, but others do not see the decline.

Coming Apart: Avoiding

- You ignore or avoid the person altogether. - You may leave the room or just tune out. - You may be superficially polite or openly hostile. - You no longer depend on the other for confirmation of self-value.

Coming together: experimenting

- You look for common ground by sharing information on school, hobbies, work, etc. - In the effort to find common ground, you ask and respond to a lot of routine questions such "Where are you from?" "What do you do for a living?" "What do you like to do in your free time?" -To move to the next level of the relationship, both of you must show an interest in moving forward.

Coming Apart: Differentiating

- You may experience a decrease in physical contact and interaction at the differentiating stage. - You may start to use words such as I, me, and mine instead of we, us, and ours. - You experience a shift toward individual instead of shared identities. - The move toward individual identities can sometimes add a spark to the relationship as you share new interests and adventures; but if you start to prefer time away from the other, you may be taking the elevator to a lower floor.

Coming Apart: Terminating

- You or your partner decides to end the relationship. - Your notice of intention may take the form of a letter, phone call, text message, tweet, social media posting, legal document, or even a note les on the bathroom mirror! - Subsequent conversations revolve around practical matters such as division of property. - Endings can be positive or negative.

Coming together: intensifying

- You spend more time together in shared activities. - You increase physical contact ex: more shows of affection in public - and look for signs of commitment. - You take bigger risks by disclosing more personal or intimate information such as "I am worried about failing that course and getting kicked out of school" or "I'm afraid I might lose my job." - You are in a position to move to the next stage if the other person responds well to your self-disclosures and self-discloses in response.

Coming Apart: Stagnating

- Your relationship has become shallow and predictable: same friends, same routines, same conversations. - You spend less time with the other person. - You go through the motions, but no longer care. - Your lack of interest becomes more obvious - to the person and to outsiders - You can still recover the relationship, but it will take a lot of work and serious mutual commitment.

Five major points covered in presentation by Goleman

1) Self-awareness (using your feelings as a guide) 2) Managing your emotions 3) Motivation (keep working towards your goal) 4) Empathy (Very Important) 5) Social Skills (How well you can deal with conflict and be the kind of person people enjoy being with)

Building and spatial arrangements : Basic principles

1) The higher your position in the organization, the greater and better space you will enjoy. 2) The higher your position in the organization, the less likely you are to require or use the space. 3) The higher your position in the organization, the more likely your space will be guarded by secretaries, doors, and rules governing access. 4) The higher your position in the organization, the more flexibility you will have the alter the setting. 5) Power weakens with distance from the source of power.

Chronemics

1) chronemics 2) monochronic 3) polychronic

Vocal cues and silence

1) paralanguage 2) role of silence 3) reactions to silence

The value of relationships

1) social capital 2) bridging social capital 3) linking social capital

Building and spatial arrangements: Relevant concepts

1) soft architecture 2) hard architecture 3) sociopetal settings 4) sociofugal settings

Social capital

A resource based on interpersonal connections that can be converted into economic and other benefits (bonding social capital, bridging social capital, linking social capital)

Cultural meanings attached to clothing

Attach a lot of cultural meaning to the clothes that we wear.

Linking social capital

Benefits that result from relationship with people in positions of power who are outside of our network.

Bridging social capital

Benefits that results from connections with friends and close associates

Kinesics

Body movements, posture, stance, and hand gestures, often called body language.

Bonding bridging and linking capital

Bonding networks, bridging networks, linking networks

Insufficient or different information

Both parties may know all the facts, but they may disagree on the causes, the likely outcome, or solutions. Sometimes they do not know the reasons for an organizational or personal decision.

Hard architecture

Buildings and other structures designed to stand strong and to resist human imprint.

Soft architecture

Buildings and other structures that allow personalization of spaces

A lack of social capital

Communities that lack social capital find it harder to share information or achieve collective goals. If someone lacks social capital, they are less likely to make as much money, even if they have more education, experience and training. Individuals who lack social capital also have a higher risk of anxiety, depression, illness, and a shorter life expectancy.

Overt conflict

Conflict involving open disagreement, where parties use metalanguage to discuss their problems and issues.

Incompatible and conflicting goals and roles

Conflicts in goals and roles affect personal and work lives.

Bridging networks

Connections with associates and acquaintances

Polychronic culture

Culture that view time as elastic an believe events will happen when they are meant to happen.

Monochronic cultures

Cultures that view time as rigidly linear and rely heavily on clocks and schedules to regulate events.

Reactions of silence

Discomfort in talk-oriented cultures

Paralanguage

Elements of speech that we do not recognize as language, including intonation, tone, pitch, speech rate, volume, and hesitations

Violating expectations

Expectations influence judgments of others, and culture and context play a role in our expectations. When people violate our expectations, our perceptions of them can change in a positive or negative directions.

Predicting relationship failure by analyzing communication patterns

Experiments with "love lab" involved 3000 participants engaged in a stimulated dispute. They researchers observed and analyzed physiological and verbal patterns that characterized the disputant behaviours. The researchers developed the ability to predict separation or divorce in 94 per cent of the cases, based on how disputants engaged in arguments. They concluded that constructive arguments, focused on the problem and not the people, are healthy and normal responses to conflict; they do not predict separation or divorce.

The relational elevator

Going up or down? Coming together: 1) Initiating 2) Experimenting 3) Intensifying 4) Integrating 5) Bonding Coming apart: 1) Differentiating 2) Circumscribing 3) Stagnating 4) Avoiding 5) Terminating

Practical application of social capital

Help with the assumption that you may not get anything in return, but that person may pay the favour forward to someone who needs it. Small gestures cannot be manufactured; but it can be encouraged.

Convert conflict

Hidden conflict, not always known to both parties, where one displays passive-aggressive behaviours instead of addressing the issues directly.

The paradox of social capital

Homophily, groupthink, inequality across groups, intergroup tension and conflict.

Chronemics

How people perceive, structure, value, and react to time

Power of touch

Improves moods, sleep and growth patterns in children; reduces stress and lowers health risks in adults; offers comfort and affection and enables us to reach out to other people

Inequality across groups

In-group and out-group

Need for control - ideal personal characteristics

Individual alternates between exercising control and allowing others to exercise control. Individual feels comfortable leading at times and following at others times. An healthy aspect of control is setting of relationship boundaries - physical, emotional, or other.

Clothing and personal artifacts

Internet study by Jennie Noll into self-presentations and victimization. How and what dress communicates - University of Calgary study - Perceptions of physicians based on dress codes - Milgram and Zimbardo studies - Perceptions of authority figures based on status and dress Experiment: Prisoners and guards what they found is they had to discontinue because people got so into the role that they actually were doing all the things that people in actual prisons do.

Posture and power (Film: Your body language shapes who you are)

Language -> communication -> body language Hand shake or lack of hand shake Non verbals -> how we juge others how they judge us and what are the outcomes "Fake it til' you make it" Do our nonverbals Our minds change our bodies but do our bodies change our minds? Powerful people tend to be more assertive, optimistic and confident, physiologically high power people have high testosterone but low cortisol. Power is also about how you deal with stress. The body can shape the mind. Can power posing for a few minutes really change your Presence that you bring to the speech : confidence , passion, enthusiastic, captivating, authentic and comfortable Our minds can change our behaviour and our behaviour changes our outcomes Fake it until you become it Tiny tweaks can lead to big changes Power pose

Major name in field of Emotional Intelligence: Daniel Goleman

Leadership: The power of emotional intelligence Social Intelligence Working with Emotional Intelligence

Groupthink

Less diversity and innovation

Nan Lin's social capital

Lin (2008) argues that social capital serves two functions: • It serves to obtain resources, such as power, skills, money, or status (known as instrumental purposes). • It serves to preserve existing resources, such as maintaining a bond with a co-worker by talking to them on a daily basis (known as expressive purposes). Social capital can be measured by looking at a person's accessibility and use of these resources.

Theory to multiple intelligences by Howard Gardner

Linguistic intelligence, Logical-mathematical, Visual-spatial, Bodily-kinesthetic, Musical, Naturalist, Existential, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal

Cost and consequence of conflict

Lower employee morale and higher absenteeism in the workplace. Upsetting confrontations in one's personal and organizational life.

Reasons for forming relationships needs theory (FIR)

Need for inclusion: need to be connected to other people Need for control: need to influence our relationships, decisions, and activities and to let others influence us Need for affection: need to feel liked by others, which will lead to greater level of openness in interactions

Conveying Emotion (Affect Displays)

Nonverbal carries 93 per cent of emotional content of messages, verbal carries 7 per cent. When we read facial expressions in tandem with body language, we increase our accuracy with respect to interpreting the emotional content of messages. ex: touch carries much emotional content

Replacing or substituting (emblems)

Nonverbal cues that replace the verbal with a nonverbal message, culture- and context-bound ex: nodding head, applauding, thumbs up

Types of conflict

Overt conflict Convert conflict

Sociopetal settings

Physical settings that bring people together

Sociofugal settings

Physical settings that push people apart

The evolution of social capital

Pierre Bourdieu: A resource created through social connections; can be converted into other things (e.g. money or status). James Coleman: Social connections provide resources, but they are also a resource in themselves. Robert Putnam: Social connections can be categorized into three types: bonding, bridging and linking.

Bonding networks

Relationships with family or close friends

Linking networks

Relationships with people in positions of power outside of a person's usual network.

Homophily

Similarity in resources and features

Social Capital

Social capital is the resources (i.e. valued goods) embedded in one's social networks. Resources can be anything desirable, such as information, status, or interpersonal connection. Such resources are accessed or mobilized through network ties (i.e., relationships). When an individual has an adequate amount of social capital, there is an increased level of trust, reciprocity, and a sense of belonging. In organizations, an adequate amount of social capital can improve efficiency, job satisfaction, learning, and turnover rates. More likely to give people the benefit of doubt. It's about giving yourself to people.

Colour

Some studies have connected personality to colour preferences. Cultures vary in the meanings they attach to colours. Globalization is affecting marketing preferences. - A lot harder to know what is acceptable

Territoriality

The way by which animals (and people mark and defend personal space)

Interdependencies

Sometimes our fates are intertwined with the fates of others, over whom we have no control. This situation can be source of frustration and anger.

Intergroup tension and conflict

Stigma of out-group; favouritism to in-group

Personality differences

Tests such as Myers-Briggs attempt to identify personality types in order to place employees in the right positions, working with compatible others.

Scarce and non-distributable ressources & power struggles

This source of conflict relates to competition for limited resources. My success requires your failure. Sometimes it involves a power struggle.

Role of silence

To comfort; give space for listening; punish; show defiance, fear, or reluctance to take a stand on an issue; or add drama, weight, and impact to a statement

Cultural variations

Touch-phobic and touch-hungry societies, coffee shop experiment.

Nonverbal leakage

Unconscious body movements that give unintended information. Most frequent sources of leakages - Feet and legs, followed by hands (less controlled and regulated than the face) ex: posture changes, repetitive toe or finger tapping, muscle twitches, tensing of legs.

Reasons for forming relationships social exchange theory

Uses an economic model to weigh the perceived costs and benefits associated with a relationship. Predicts that we will leave a relationship in which the costs outweigh the benefits.

The dangers of self-disclosure

Voyeurism - Spying into the private lives of others, especially prevalent in age of social media. - Physical safety concerns ex: - stalking - Financial concerns ex: - stolen financial records and identities - Psychological and emotional concerns ex: - stresses associated with cyberbullying

Making connections through immediacy

We are drawn to people who exhibit immediacy behaviours. Immediacy behaviours decrease physical and psychological distance between communicators and increase feelings of closeness and liking. We display immediacy when we lean toward the other person, make eye contact, nod warmly, or smile. Immediacy influences the likeability of politicians and instructors, increasing motivation to support the politician or to engage in classroom activities.

Making first impressions

We over-value first impressions. We see physically attractive people as more likeable, confident, and comfortable in social situations. We respond favourably to people seen as agreeable, outgoing, open, conscientious, and emotionally stable. Although often wrong, we place importance on agreeableness than any other personality characteristic. Big five personality traits : Open, Extraverted, C..., Stable, A...

Building and maintaining relationships

We use nonverbal cues to signal romantic interest in another person. The cues can include, eye contact, touch, leaning toward the person of interest, self-grooming, and smiling. Even if men tend to initiate the courtship process, studies show that women often regulate the process. Nonverbal communication plays a role in the initiation maintenance, and ending of romantic relationships. ex: self-grooming cues include adaptors discussed earlier such as running your fingers through your hair, twirling a stand of your hair, adjusting your tie, smoothing your clothing, or fixing your makeup.

Differences between verbal and nonverbal communication

With verbal communication, a one-to-one correspondence exists between two sets of symbols. ex: with semaphores, the position of a flag represents a letter in the alphabet

Relational de-escalation: Going down

Women usually sense trouble before men do. Specific verbal and nonverbal clues of de-escalation include the following: Decreases in touching, proximity, eye contact, smiling, voice variation, and frequency of interaction.

Seven facial expressions that appear across cultures are

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness and surprise contempt

Social penetration theory

theory says that closeness in relationships comes from sharing information about ourselves. As we share increasingly personal information, we build intimacy. - Breadth - the number of conversational topics that allow you to reveal aspects of yourself ex: hobbies, career ambitions, health, sports played, and other interests - Depth - the amount of information available on any topic ex: superficial info about a hobby or more intimate information about a fear of losing your scholarship

Stages of Conflict: Act 1

• Conflict escalates and issues multiple • Parties in conflict shift from focussing on issues to focussing on personalities • Rhetoric becomes accusatory and sometimes threatening • Parties generalize about the behaviours of others - "You're always late." • Actions may follow when threats don't work • Parties pull others into the conflict Parties get locked into positions that make resolution difficult, and conflict escalates to maximum extent.

What predicts relationship failure

• Criticism - attack upon personality or character of the other • Contempt - insults and other forms of disrespect • Defensiveness - reaction based on perception that you are a victim • Stonewalling - withdrawing and disengaging from the conflict instead of addressing the problem

Sources of conflict

• Differences in beliefs, attitudes, and values • Personality differences • Incompatible and conflicting goals or roles • Interdependencies • Insufficient or different information • Poor communication • Scarce and non=distributable resources and power struggles - Stressful situations

Need for inclusion

• Ideal personal characteristics - individual who has the ability to enjoy being with others or being alone • Oversocial characteristics - individual who has a tendency to work extra hard to seek attention and interactions with others. • Undersocial characteristics - individual who has a tendency to avoid interaction with others.

Stages of Conflict: Act 2

• If reached, Act 2 is a transition stage • Parties in conflict have lost hope of winning and run out of steam to continue the fight • Parties grudgingly accept the need for compromise or collaboration Face-saving becomes important, as in the chess match between Fischer and Spassky

Stages of Conflict: Act 3

• If reached, Act 3 brings some measure of closure • The parties in conflict move toward settlement • The conflict de-escalates • In the best cases, the parties begin to talk to each other again and discard their stereotypes of the other • They brainstorm to find ways to build momentum They look for a bigger goal to which both can commit and become more flexible on means to achieve the goal

Regulating Interaction

• Nonverbal cues that control and manage the flow of communication between people ex: raising hand to say "wait until I finish." ex: raising finger to say "I want to speak." ex: whistling and using hand movements to tell drivers when to stop or go at a traffic crossing. • In the above examples, we can see that nonverbal regulators also perform a substituting function. They take place of spoken requests or demands.

Primary functions of nonverbal communication

• Replacing or substituting for verbal messages (emblems) • Complementing, repeating, and accenting verbal messages (illustrators) • Regulating interaction (regulators) • Relieving tension and satisfying bodily needs (adaptors) • Conveying emotion (affect displays)

Coming together: integrating

• You become a social unit in the eyes of others, sharing activities, interests, and holidays. • You receive invitations and attend events as a couple. • You develop restricted language code ("insider language") and shared daily rituals. • You may adopt a similar dress code or even dress like the other person. • You think in terms of shared property - ours, not yours or mine.

Coming together: Bonding

• You communicate the status of your relationship in a more formal and public way. • You move in together or get engaged or even married. • You trust that the other will accept you "real self." • You talk about your commitment to be present for the other person through difficult times.

Coming together: Initiating

• You notice the other and form a first impression based on verbal and nonverbal elements. ex: appearance, and dress, body language, and speech • You talk about superficial topics such as current events and the weather. • You try to gather information about the other person, which will enable you to decide if you want to move forward with the relationship. If you decide to pursue the relationship, you move to the next level.