interpersonal 3
look for key ideas
By using your ability to think more quickly than the speaker can talk, you may be able to extract the central idea from the surrounding mass of words you're hearing
According to the triangular theory of love, which of the following types of love contains all three components of love?
consummate love
The person who talks the most and makes the decisions tends to communicate what relational message?
control
Which step of Knapp's Model is essentially the "try out" stage of a relationship where you are trying to learn more about the other person (uncertainty reduction)?
experimenting
All forms of ineffective listening deal with not listening carefully to the other person or message.
false
Couples who use volatile conflict styles are never have successful romantic relationships.
false
It is desirable to have intimacy with all people in your life.
false
Knapp's Model of relational development works well for family relationships?
false
hearing is the same thing as listening
false
families as systems
families are like our bodies within these systems, we form sub systems, or 'nests'
Individualistic cultures like North America tend to have less difficulty in meeting new people and distinguish less between personal and casual relationships.
true
Mindless listening is sometimes a valuable and necessary thing to do.
true
Romantic turning points can be both positive or negative events.
true
family systems are manifested through communication
Words and symbolic actions jiggle the equilibrium of family life, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse
characteristics of relationships
- Relationships are constantly changing. - Relationships are affected by culture. - Relationships require maintenance. - Relationships require commitment.
emotional support
-helpful during times of stress, hurt, and grief focused on the emotions of the speaker ("This must be difficult for you") rather than minimizing those feelings ("It's not the end of the world") or diverting attention ("The sun will come up tomorrow")
4 part fomular
1 the micro yes: great feedback givers start by asking a question that is short but important; lets the brain know that feedback is actually coming ex: do you have five minutes to talk about how that last conversation went or i have some ideas for how we can improve things, can I share them with you - a pacing tool, creates a movement to buy it 2 data point: name specifically what you saw or heard and cut our any words that aren't objectives blur words 3 show impact: name exactly how that data point impacted you 'because i did not get the message, i was blocked on my work and couldn't move forward' gives a sense of purpose 4 end on a question: how do you see it? creates commitment rather than just compliance, makes a conversation, no longer a monologue, joint problem solving you should actively ask for feedback
responding to transgressions
1. Acceptance "I'm glad you understand why I was so upset. I sure hope it won't happen again." "I can't forget what you did, but I believe your apology and I accept it." 2. Rejection "I can't let that one go, at least for now. It was too hurtful." "Words can't make up for what you did." 3. Discussion "I appreciate the apology, but I don't think you understand why this is such a big deal for me . . ." "How can I be sure you won't do the same thing again?" -On a personal level, forgiveness has been shown to reduce emotional distress and aggression as well as improve cardiovascular functioning -One study of dating partners found that sexual infidelity and breaking up with the partner were the two least forgivable offenses. -one way to improve your ability to forgive is to recall times when you have mistreated or hurt others in the past—in other words, to remember that you, too, have wronged others and needed their forgiveness -Resentment is death; forgiving leads to healing and life."
love languages
1. Words of affirmation: These include compliments, words of praise, verbal support, written notes or letters, or other ways of saying that a person is valued and appreciated. People who use this love language are easily hurt by insults or ridicule or when their efforts aren't verbally acknowledged. 2. Quality time: This is about being present and available for your partner and giving that person your complete, undivided attention for a significant period of time. Being inattentive or distracted takes the "quality" out of time spent together. 3. Gifts: People who measure love in terms of gifts believe "it's the thought that counts." A gift needn't be expensive to be meaningful. The best ones are the type that the recipient will appreciate. To gift-oriented partners, neglecting to honor an important event is a transgression. 4. Acts of service: Taking out the trash, filling the car with gas, doing laundry—the list of chores that can be acts of service is endless. Similar to gifts, the key to service is knowing which acts would be most appreciated by your partner. (Hint: It's probably the chore that your partner hates most.) 5. Physical touch: Although this might include sexual activity, meaningful touch can also include other expressions of affection: an arm around the shoulder, a held hand, a brush of the cheek, or a neck rub.
college students spend about
11% writing 16% speaking 17% reading 55% listening (27% media listening, 27.5% interpersonal listening
Research presented by the authors of our textbook suggests people remember what percentage of information within 8 hours of hearing it?
35%
According to Goffman, what is the magic ratio of positive to negative communicative acts that successful romantic relationships tend to use?
5:1
julian treasure
60% of communication listening retain only 25% --pattern recognition --
social media and romantic relationships
A recent study found that 27 percent of online adults in romantic partnerships say the Internet has had an impact on their relationships =quarter of cell phone owners in the study said the phone distracts their romantic partners when they are alone together (the percentage is even higher for young adults, ages 18 to 29). =One study shows a positive relationship between mobile device use and feelings of commitment and love in romantic relationships =Individuals who post profile pictures that include their partners report being more satisfied with their relationships than those who post solo photos =there appears to be a correlation between social network overuse, marital dissatisfaction, and divorce.
repairing damaged relationships
A third type of relational problem comes from relational transgressions: when one partner violates the explicit or implicit terms of the relationship, letting the other one down in some important way -• Lack of Commitment • Failure to honor important obligations (e.g., financial, emotional, task-related) • Self-serving dishonesty • Unfaithfulness • Distance • Physical separation (beyond what is necessary) • Psychological separation (avoidance, ignoring) • Disrespect • Criticism (especially in front of third parties) • Problematic Emotions • Jealousy • Unjustified suspicion • Rage • Aggression • Verbal hostility • Physical violence
love
Aristotle maintained that "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." His mentor Plato was a bit more cynical: "Love is a serious mental disease." Philosophers and artists through the years have waxed eloquently about love, with mixed conclusions about its joys and sorrows
social networks
Being invested in each other's friends, family, and loved ones.
intimacy in mediated communication
Electronic devices were viewed as impersonal machines that couldn't transmit important features of human communication such as facial expression, tone of voice, and touch ==relational intimacy may develop more quickly through mediated channels than in face-to-face communication, and that texting, blogging, Facebooking, and so on enhance verbal, emotional, and social intimacy in interpersonal relationships ==digital age, some people are "virtually unfaithful," carrying on romantic relationships online while being in a committed face-to-face relationship =Some online relationships are relatively impersonal; others are highly interpersonal. In any case, mediated communication is an important component in creating and maintaining intimacy in contemporary relationships.
openness vs privacy
Even the strongest interpersonal relationships require some distance. Lovers may go through periods of much sharing and periods of relative withdrawal. =important to know how to use privacy controls on social media tools, and also to negotiate what you will and won't share about your relationships with others
social media and friendship
Facebook, where a "friend" could be someone you met once at a party or on vacation, a former classmate or neighbor whom you haven't seen in years, someone you met online but have never known in person, or even a "publicity wh0re" who only sought you out to boost the size of his or her friends list. =Younger adults (ages 18-29) have larger Facebook networks, with 27 percent having more than 500 friends =too few Facebook friends, others may regard you (perhaps unfairly) as not very social, attractive, or friendly =too many online friends, people might perceive those relationships as less than genuine =Some scholars suggest "the more the better," finding positive correlations with factors such as perceived social support, reduced stress, and even physical health =less positive, finding that large collections of Facebook friends yield diminishing returns and might be compensation for low self-esteem =social-networking sites are used primarily to maintain current friendships or to revive old ones rather than to build new relationships. =social media typically isn't a replacement for face-to-face communication, but is a means to support and rekindle friendships that were developed in person =closest of friends realize that no matter how much they stay in touch with each other electronically, there's no substitute for a night on the town together, a stimulating in-person conversation, or a good hug
people dying in hospice
Fully 90 percent of these terminally ill patients put intimate relationships at the top of the list -Another researcher concludes that close relationships "may be the single most important source of life satisfaction and emotional well-being, across different ages and cultures.
hearing vs listening
Hearing is the process in which sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are transmitted to the brain Listening occurs when the brain reconstructs these electrochemical impulses into a representation of the original sound and then gives them meaning. Barring illness, injury, or cotton plugs, you can't stop hearing. Your ears will pick up sound waves and transmit them to your brain whether you want them to or not.
physical touch
Holding hands, kissing, hugging
positivity
Keeping the relational climate polite and upbeat, and also avoiding criticism.
Which of the following types of family communication patterns tends to have a "whatever" attitude to what members of the family do?
Laissez-faire families
assurances
Letting the other person know—both verbally and nonverbally—that he or she matters to you and that you are committed to the relationship.
effort
Listening effectively is hard work. =heart rate quickens, respiration increases, body temp rises
relationships are affected by culture
Males in all cultures (in fact, in all species of mammals) are likely to invest less emotionally in sexual relationships, and they are typically more competitive -the Western notion of romance and marriage is reflected in the model of relational stages described earlier. The notion that bonding only follows after experimenting, intensifying, and integrating doesn't apply everywhere -some cultures, the bride and groom may meet only weeks, days, or even minutes before they become husband and wife. Research shows that these relationships can be both successful and satisfying
the other person
Many communicators are extremely defensive and aren't capable of receiving analysis or judgments without lashing out. Still others aren't equipped to think through problems clearly enough to profit from paraphrasing and probing. One study found that highly rational people tend to respond more positively to advice than do more emotional people "Are you looking for my advice, or do you just want a listening ear right now?" can help you give others the kinds of responses they're looking for.
family communication is formative
Messages from family members are the earliest (and among the most important) ones we will ever receive. =the messages children hear about academics while growing up influence whether or not they persist or drop out of high school. =Communication in the family of origin can have lifelong effects. Attachment theory argues that children develop bonds—either secure or insecure—with family members. Insecure attachment in childhood often leads to adults who are anxious about new relationships, uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about losing relationships =Romantic partners who fear rejection and abandonment are likely to act in ways that increase the odds of their fears coming to pass. =When attachment is secure, children grow up to communicate more confidently, develop greater intimacy, and maintain effective relationships with teachers, peers, and others =first-born siblings are often more extraverted than their younger brothers or sisters. They also are more concerned with control. Middle-borns tend to be closer with their friends but are likely to have more difficult relationships with their family. "Caboose" children who are born last are often more committed and closer to their family members than their older siblings.
mindless listening
Mindless listening occurs when we react to others' messages automatically and routinely, without much mental investment. Words such as superficial and cursory describe mindless listening better than terms like ponder and contemplate
same sex friendships
Most women place a somewhat higher value on talking about personal matters as a measure of closeness, whereas men are more likely to create and express closeness through shared activities— what one scholar called "closeness in the doing =one study, more than 75% of the men surveyed said that their most meaningful experiences with friends came from shared activities =many men, closeness grows from activities that don't always depend heavily on disclosure: A friend is a person who does things for you and with you. =women tend to disclose more personal information than men, both in face-to-face relationships and online =women are generally more skilled at doing so and are more likely to seek out female friends when they need this type of support
High-Disclosure Vs. Low Disclosure
No doubt your level of disclosure differs from friend to friend. Some only know general information about you, whereas others are privy to your most personal secrets
frequent contact vs occasional contact
Other friendships have less frequent contact—maybe an occasional phone call or text message. Of course, infrequent contact doesn't always correlate with levels of disclosure or obligation. Many close friends may see each other only once a year, but they pick right back up in terms of the breadth and depth of their shared information =Impersonal friendships can have sudden bursts of disclosure =Low-obligation friendships can evolve into stronger commitments and vice versa.
youthful vs mature
Preschool children rarely have enduring friendships. Instead, they enjoy time with temporary playmates. As they grow older, children usually form more stable friendships, but primarily to meet their own needs and with little sense of empathy. During adolescence, friendships become a central feature of social life—often more important than family. In these teen years, friends begin to be valued for their personal qualities, not just as playmates or activity companions. =the qualities that are important in a friend become stable and mature: helpfulness, support, trust, commitment, and self-disclosure. =older adulthood, friendships become especially valuable as a means of social support. Having strong relationships contributes to both satisfaction and health
RASA
Receive, Appreciate, Summarize, Ask
commitment 335
Relational commitment involves a promise—sometimes implied and sometimes explicit—to remain in a relationship and to make that relationship successful -both formed and reinforced through communication =Research shows that couples who regularly communicate their commitment have more positive feelings about their relationship and experience less relational uncertainty =decidedly Western approach to view commitment as a culmination of romantic love =arranged marriages, "commitment" was identified as the most important factor that helped their love flourish over time =second most important factor was "communication," with a strong emphasis on self-disclosure as a means to learn to love one's mate
responding
Responding to a message consists of giving observable feedback to the speaker. Although listeners don't always respond visibly to a speaker, research suggests they should do so more often. One study of 195 critical incidents in banking and medical settings showed that a major difference between effective and ineffective listening was the kind of feedback offered ---Good listeners show they are attentive by nonverbal behaviors such as keeping eye contact and reacting with appropriate facial expressions ---Verbal behavior—answering questions and exchanging ideas, for example—also demonstrates attention
judging
Response evaluates the senders thoughts or behaviors in some way Judgments have the best chance of being received when two conditions exist: 1. The person with the problem has requested an evaluation from you. Occasionally an unsolicited evaluation may bring someone to his or her senses, but more often an unsolicited evaluation will trigger a defensive response. 2. The intent of your judgment has genuinely constructive and not designed as a put-down. If you are tempted to use judgments as a weapon, don't fool yourself into thinking that you are being helpful. Often the statement "I'm telling you this for your own good . . ." simply isn't true.
disclosure
Self-disclosure also builds liking because it is a sign of regard. When people share private information with you, it suggests that they respect and trust you—a kind of liking that we've already seen increases attractiveness. =key to satisfying self-disclosure is reciprocity: getting back an amount and kind of information equivalent to that which you reveal =second important ingredient in successful self-disclosure is timing =Finally, for the sake of self-protection, it's important to reveal personal information only when you are sure the other person is trustworthy
get rid of distractions
Some distractions are external: ringing telephones, radio or television programs, friends dropping in Other distractions are internal: preoccupation with your own problems, an empty stomach
social vs relational
Some transgressions violate social rules shared by society at large. For example, almost everyone would agree that ridiculing or humiliating a friend or family member in public is a violation of a fundamental social rule regarding saving others' face. Other rules are relational in nature—unique norms constructed by the parties involved
hearing problems
Sometimes a person's listening ability suffers from a physiological hearing problem ==Nearly two-thirds of the respondents said they feel annoyed when their partner can't hear them clearly. Almost one-quarter said that beyond just being annoyed, they felt ignored, hurt, or sad. Many of the respondents believe their spouses are in denial about their condition, which makes the problem even more frustrating
instrumental support
Sometimes support is best given by rolling up your sleeves and doing a task or favor for a person you love. This can be as simple as a ride to the airport or as involved as caregiving during an illness. We count on romantic partners and family members to offer assistance in times of need, and instrumental support is a primary marker of a close friendship ("A friend in need is a friend indeed").
relationships are constantly changing
Sometimes the partners will feel the need to differentiate from each other, and at other times they will need to seek intimacy With effort, the partners may move from the stage of stagnating to experimenting or from circumscribing to intensifying. =In this cycle, partners move from security (integration, in Knapp's terminology) to disintegration (differentiating) to alienation (circumscribing) to resynthesis (intensifying, integrating) to a new level of security. This process is constantly repeating
relationship orientated vs task oriented
Sometimes we choose friends because of shared activities: teammates in a softball league, coworkers, or fellow movie buffs. These types of friendships are considered task oriented if they primarily revolve around certain activities
paraphrasing
Statements that reword the listener's interpretation of a message The key to success in paraphrasing is to restate the other person's comments in your own words as a way of cross-checking the information. ==The first involves paraphrasing factual information that will help you understand the other person's ideas more clearly. At the most basic level, this sort of reflecting can prevent frustrating mix-ups: "So you want to meet this Tuesday, not next week, right?" You can also paraphrase personal information: "So my joking makes you think I don't care about your problem." This sort of non defensive response may be difficult when you are under attack, but it can short-circuit defensive arguments 1 change the speaker's wording 2 offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about 3 reflect the underlying theme of the speaker's remarks
openness
Talking directly about the nature of the relationship and disclosing your personal needs and concerns
informational support
The closest people in our lives can often be our best information sources. They can give us recommendations for shopping, advice about relationships, or observations about our blind spots -Information is most likely to be regarded as supportive when it's wanted and requested by the person in need
3 intensifying
The expression of feelings toward the other becomes more common. Dating couples use a wide range of communication strategies to describe their feelings of attraction =one-quarter of the time they express their feelings directly, openly discussing the state of the relationship. =usually a time of relational excitement and even euphoria. For romantic partners, it's often filled with star struck gazes, goosebumps, and daydreaming
couples conflict styles
The fact that "the first big fight" is a common romantic turning point suggests that conflict is a normal part of couples' communication. And for most partners, the first disagreement is rarely the last 1. Volatile: These couples have intense, heated arguments—sometimes over small issues. They raise their voices, compete to hold the floor, and make their cases passionately. Conflicts for these couples are often seen as contests to be won. 2. Avoidant: Couples who use this style prefer to ignore issues rather than confront them. They minimize disagreements and steer clear of sensitive topics. The partners acknowledge that they have conflicts, but they handle them quickly and dispassionately. 3. Validating: These couples openly and cooperatively manage conflicts. When they have differences of opinion, they talk them through in civil ways without denying their feelings. They listen carefully to each other and look for collaborative solutions to their problems =Gottman maintains it's the number of positive to negative communicative acts. He calls 5:1 "the magic ratio" and says that as long as couples have five times as many positive interactions—touching, smiling, paying compliments, laughing, kind words, and so on—as negative ones, they are likely to have happy and successful relationships
complementarity
The familiar saying that "opposites attract" seems to contradict the principle of similarity we just described (complementary) =one partner is dominant and the other passive
affection
The final characteristic of romantic relationship Expressions of affection—both verbal and nonverbal—are typical in romantic relationships =Romantic affection is often communicated privately; sometimes it's expressed publicly =Communicating affection is beneficial for romantic partners in a variety of ways. =married and cohabiting couples were asked to increase their amount of romantic kissing over a six-week period. In comparison with a control group, the frequent kissers experienced improvements not only in their stress levels and relational satisfaction, but also in their cholesterol counts =engaging in romantic actions, such as gazing into a lover's eyes, sitting at intimate distances, or sharing personal secrets, can often lead to romantic feelings rather than the other way around =Sexual activity is an important means of expressing and receiving affection in most romantic relationships. One research review notes that the strongest and most reliable predictor of sexual satisfaction is relational satisfaction =sex is best enjoyed as part of a healthy romantic relationship. Communication also plays an important role: There is a strong correlation between a couple's communication skills and their sexual satisfaction
dimensions of intimacy
The first dimension is physical. Even before birth, the fetus experiences a physical closeness with its mother that will never happen again, "floating in a warm fluid, curling inside a total embrace, swaying to the undulations of the moving body and hearing the beat of the pulsing heart -fortunate children are continually nourished by physical intimacy: being rocked, fed, hugged, and held. As we grow older, the opportunities for physical intimacy are less regular but still possible and important. -One study revealed that more than half of sexually active teens had partners that they weren't dating, and the majority of the respondents expressed no desire to establish a dating relationship -A second dimension of intimacy comes from intellectual sharing; when you engage another person in an exchange of important ideas, a kind of closeness develops that can be powerful and exciting -A third dimension of intimacy is emotional: exchanging important feelings. Sharing personal information can both reflect and create feelings of closeness. -shared activities is a fourth dimension -Not all shared activities create and express intimacy, but the bond that comes from experiencing significant events with another person is too frequent and significant to ignore. -people who fear intimacy in dating relationships anticipate less satisfaction in a long-term relationship and report feeling more distant from even longtime dating partners. A great deal of evidence supports the conclusion that fear of intimacy can cause major problems in both creating relationships and sustaining them
content and relational messages
The most obvious component of most messages is their content— the subject being discussed =almost every message—both verbal and nonverbal—has a second, relational dimension, which makes statements about how the parties feel toward one another. =affinity, immediacy, respect, and control
4 integrating
The partners begin to take on each other's commitments: "Sure, we'll spend Thanksgiving with your family =time when individuals give up some characteristics of their old selves and develop shared identities.
Reciprocal Attraction
The power of reciprocal attraction is especially strong in the early stages of a relationship =People who approve of us bolster our feelings of self-esteem. This approval is rewarding in its own right, and it can also confirm a presenting self-concept that says, "I'm a likable person."
Predictability vs. Novelty
The predictability-novelty dialectic reflects this tension. Although too much familiarity can lead to the risk of boredom and stagnation, nobody wants a completely unpredictable relational partner
high obligation vs low obligation
There are some friends for whom we would do just about anything—no request is too big. We feel a lower sense of obligation to other friends, both in terms of what we would do for them and how quickly we would do it. Our closest friends usually get fast responses when they ask for a favor, give us a call, or even post on our Facebook Wall
competence
We like to be around talented people, probably because we hope their skills and abilities will rub off on us =uncomfortable around those who are too competent, however, probably because we look bad by comparison =Moreover, we're attracted to people whose competence is paired with interpersonal warmth. "Competent but cool" is generally not seen as an attractive mix.
9 avoiding
When stagnation becomes too unpleasant, parties in a relationship begin to create physical distance between each other =Unsuccessful couples deal with their problems by avoidance, indirectness, and less involvement with each other. By contrast, couples who repair their relationship communicate much more directly. They confront each other with their concerns (sometimes with the assistance of a counselor) and spend time and effort negotiating solutions to their problems
gender
Women are more likely than men to give supportive responses when presented with another person's problem, are more skillful at composing such messages, and are more likely to seek out such responses from listeners. By contrast, men are less skillful at providing emotional support to those who are distressed, and they're more likely to respond to others' problems by offering advice or by diverting the topic. ==Numerous studies show that both men and women prefer and want supportive, endorsing messages in difficult situations
your personal style
You may be best at listening quietly, offering a prompt from time to time. Or perhaps you are especially insightful and can offer a truly useful analysis of the problem.
deliberate vs unintentional
You might reveal something about a friend's past without realizing that this disclosure would be embarrassing. Other violations, though, are intentional. In a fit of anger, you might purposely lash out with a cruel comment, knowing that it will hurt the other person's feelings.
types of friendships
Youthful vs mature long term vs short term relationship oriented vs task oriented high disclosure vs low disclosure high obligation vs low obligation frequent contact vs occasional contact
the situation
a competent communicator needs to analyze the situation and develop an appropriate response. As a rule of thumb, it's often wise to begin with responses that seek understanding and offer a minimum of direction, such as prompting, questioning, paraphrasing, and supporting.
family communication is involuntary
a committed couple is tied to three families: the one they create and the family of origin for each partner. Once children arrive, they are eternally connected to a greater or lesser degree with their kin
Minor versus Significant
a little distance can make the heart grow fonder, a little jealousy can be a sign of affection, and a little anger can start the process of resolving a gripe. In large and regular doses, however, these acts become serious transgressions that can damage personal relationships
10 terminating
a note left on the kitchen table, a phone call, or a legal document. Depending on each person's feelings, this stage can be quite short, or it may be drawn out over time. =they take a back-and-forth pattern, where the trend is toward dissolution =friendships are most possible when communication during the breakup is positive (expressions that there are no regrets for time spent together, other attempts to minimize hard feelings). =negative (being manipulative, complaining to third parties), friendships are less likely ="grave-dressing"—retrospective attempts to explain why the relationship failed =different study found that those on the receiving end of a breakup via technology tended to have high levels of attachment anxiety—which might explain why their partners didn't want to deliver the news in person
deep listening
acoustic space is where time and space merge as they are articulated by sound learning to expand perception of sounds to include the while space time
listening
active understanding of sounds you hear active- mental 1< required to give attention to what was perceived listening is at least as important as speaking in terms of making relationships work
types of relational messages
affinity, immediacy, respect, control
rapid thought
allows us to process up to 600 words a minute, however we tend to speak at a rate of 100 to 150 words a minute. This rapid thought gives us the illusion that we can effectively multi-task at all times, and/or allow us to entertain preoccupations while exerting less than desirable effort. Other reasons we may not listen well may also be out of our control, such as hearing problems and external noises
insulated listening
almost the opposite of their selective cousins just described ==simply fail to hear or acknowledge it.
one time vs incremental
an act of betrayal, a verbal assault, or stalking out in anger.
pseudolistening
an imitation of the real thing—an act put on to fool the speaker. Pseudolisteners give the appearance of being attentive: They look you in the eye; they may even nod and smile. But the show of attention is a polite façade because their minds are somewhere else
why we form relationships
appearance, similarity, complementarity, rewards, competency, proximity, disclosure
romantic turning point
are "transformative events" that alter the romantic relationship in a "fundamental way," one in which the relationship changes for better or worse.
listening defined
at least the interpersonal type—as the process of making sense of others' messages.
Which element in the listening process is the psychological step that also connects with the perception process step of selection?
attending
passion 'hot'
basically sexual in nature
rewards
both impersonal and personal— are based on a semi-economic model called social exchange theory This model suggests that we often seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them. According to social exchange theory, relationships suffer when one partner feels "underbenefited =Rewards may be tangible (a nice place to live, a high-paying job) or intangible (prestige, emotional support, companionship). =Costs are undesirable outcomes (unpleasant work, emotional pain, and so on). rewards- costs= outcome =decide whether dealing with another person is a "good deal" or "not worth the effort," based on whether the outcome is positive or negative. =most blatant level, an exchange approach seems cold and calculating, but in some types of relationships it seems quite appropriate.
camp is indirect and soft
brain does not event recognize that feedback is being given or it's just simply confused
intellectual dimensions
cognitive abilities, educational background, and past experiences
Which of the following characteristics of love is known as the "cool" component?
commitment
lack of training
common but mistaken belief is that listening is like breathing— an activity that people do well naturally ==Unfortunately, there is no connection between how competently most communicators think they listen and how competent they really are in their ability to understand others
7 circumscribing
communication between members decreases in quantity and quality. Restrictions and restraints characterize this stage. Rather than discuss a disagreement (which requires energy on both sides), members opt for withdrawal—either mental (silence or daydreaming and fantasizing) or physical (people spend less time together). ==circumscribe comes from the Latin meaning "to draw circles around."
dialectical tensions:
conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously
Which of the following types of family communication patterns tends to maintain a hierarchical structure of authority but also balance that with an interest in open communication?
consensual families
family communication patterns
consensual, pluralistic, protective, or laissez-faire. ==A family high in both conversation orientation and conformity orientation is consensual. Communication reflects the tension between the pressure to agree and preserve the hierarchy of authority and an interest in open communication and exploration =Families high in conversation orientation and low in conformity orientation are pluralistic. Communication in these families is open and unrestrained, with all family members' contributions evaluated on their own merits. =Families low in conversation orientation and high in conformity orientation are protective. Communication in these families emphasizes obedience to authority and the reluctance to share thoughts and feelings =Families low in both conversation orientation and conformity orientation are laissez-faire. Laissez-faire roughly translates from French as "hands off." Communication in these families reflects family members' lack of involvement with each other, and decision making is individual =young adults from consensual and pluralistic families are more confident listeners and more intellectually flexible than those from protective and laissez-faire backgrounds; Offspring from pluralistic families are less verbally aggressive than those from any other type =a protective approach by parents leads to more secrecy by children and lower satisfaction for all members of a family. =Fathers tend to be confrontational and pressuring during conflicts in high-conformity families, but they're conciliatory and analytic in pluralistic ones
Love without intimacy and passion is also known as what?
empty love
filters
culture language values beliefs attitudes expectations intentions
third issue with advice giving
cuts a little deeper and cuts both ways if you are not the receiving end of advice, you're constantly getting the message that you cannot figure out yourself
understanding
deals with decoding another's message and interpreting it correctly.
attending
deals with the psychological aspect of listening, and can be influenced by our needs, wants, desires, and interests.
commitment 'cool'
decision to make the relationship continue -The second characteristic of romantic relationships, commitment, is a very Western notion of romantic relationships. -A relational commitment is a promise, sometimes implied and sometimes explicit, to maintain the romantic relationship and make it successful
Managing Dialectical Tensions
denial, disorientation, alternation, segmentation, balance, integration, recalibration, reaffirmation 294
message overload
difficult to focus on messages—even important ones—when you are bombarded by information. Face-to-face messages come from friends, family, work, and school.
shared activities
doing things together
social support
emotional, informational, instrumental
apperance
especially important in the early stages of a relationship physical appearance is the primary basis of attraction for speed daters -First, after initial impressions have passed, ordinary-looking people with kind and pleasant personalities are likely to be judged as attractive. -Second, physical factors become less important as a relationship progresses. -In fact, as romantic relationships develop, partners create "positive illusions," viewing one another as more attractive over time.
8 stagnating
excitement of the intensifying stage is long gone, and the partners behave toward each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling. No growth occurs; relational boredom sets in seen in workers who do not enjoy their job anymore
families as systems are interdependent
family system—a group of interdependent individuals that interact and adapt together as a whole =If someone in your family is unhappy, your life is likely to be affected. If a member is happy, the atmosphere of the entire family is likely to be more positive =Spouses reported higher marital quality when they were equally responsible for family tasks
listening apprehension
fear or nerves that arise when we know the information we are listening to is important.
love
first characteristic In Plato's definition love is akin to something like schizophrenia. In Aristotle's definition, love sounds like the second act of a horror movie. If you prefer The Beatles' take on love, well then it suggests you don't really need things like food, water, shelter, and the like 4 components physiological changes (the butterflies, heart races, increased pheromones); nonverbal reactions (blushing, eyes dilating); cognitive interpretations ("does she love me?"); and verbal expressions ("I love you")
strategies for relational repair
first step toward repairing a transgression is to talk about the violation -It isn't easy to apologize, especially in Western cultures, where saving one's own face is a strong concern 1. Expressing regret: "I'm sorry." "I feel bad about what I did." 2. Accepting responsibility: "I was wrong." "It was my fault." 3. Making restitution: "What can I do to make it right?" 4. Genuinely repenting: "I'll try not to do that again." 5. Requesting forgiveness: "Will you please forgive me?"
elements in the listening process
five elements of listening hearing, attending, understanding, responding, and remembering
characteristics of families
formative attachment theory involuntary role driven: formal and informal roles
characteristics of family communication
formative, role-driven, involuntary Today, the meaning of family has expanded beyond the traditional set of relationships bound by genetics, legalities, and long-standing customs. -people in families without biological connections (such as adoptions) or who operate as a family without legal bonds (such as cohabitating couples or foster parents).
gender considerations
gender role a friendship between a masculine male and a feminine female might have very different properties than a friendship between a masculine female and a feminine male—even though these are both technically cross-sex relationships =Sexual orientation is another factor that can shape friendships. Most obviously, for gay men and lesbians, the potential for sexual attraction shifts from opposite- to same-sex relationships. But physical attraction aside, sexual orientation can still play a significant role in friendships =many heterosexual women report that they value their friendships with gay men because (1) they often share interests, (2) the potential for romantic complications is small or nonexistent, and (3) the women feel more attractive
choosing the best response
gender, the situation, the other person, your personal style
questioning
has been called "the most popular piece of language." Asking for information can help both the person doing the asking and the one providing answers sincere questions are aimed at understanding others counterfeit questions are aimed at sending a message, not receiving one. =Questions that trap the speaker =A tag question. Phrases like "did you?" or "isn't that right?" =Questions that make statements. "Are you finally off the phone?" =Questions that carry hidden agendas. "Are you busy Friday night?" =Questions that seek "correct" answers. =Questions based on unchecked assumptions. "Why aren't you listening to me?"
5 elements of the listening process
hearing attending understanding responding remembering
sharing tasks
helping one another take care of life's chores and obligations
volatile
high affect high conflict individuals passionate conflict= caring compromise
external noise
how the efficiency of your listening decreases when you are seated in a crowded, hot, stuffy room surrounded by others talking next to you and traffic noises outside.
faulty assumptions
lead us to believe we're listening attentively when quite the opposite is true. When the subject is a familiar one, it's easy to tune out because you think you've heard it all before
respect
involves esteem -an extremely important ingredient in good relationships. -Your own experience will show that being respected is sometimes more important than being liked.
mindful listening
involves giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we receive. You tend to listen mindfully when a message is important to you and also when someone you care about is speaking about a matter that is important to him or her
prompting
involves using silences and brief statements of encouragement to draw others out Your nonverbal behaviors—eye contact, posture, facial expression, tone of voice—have to show that you are concerned with the other person's problem. Mechanical prompting is likely to irritate instead of help.
attending
is a psychological one and is part of the process of selection --We would go crazy if we attended to every sound we hear, so we filter out some messages and focus on others. Needs, wants, desires, and interests determine what is attended to. ==attending helps more than the listener; it also helps the message sender.
intimacy
is a state of close union, contact, and/ or association, closeness -most satisfying thing for a human -closeness, bondedness,warmth -Low context cultures such as the United States value directness, whereas high context ones like Japan consider tact far more important. -One American self-help book is titled How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty -Japanese counterpart is titled 16 Ways to Avoid Saying No -Motivation, tolerance for ambiguity, open-mindedness, knowledge of others' practices, and skill at adapting to others' communication styles are likely to make communication more smooth and relationships more satisfying -as a state of "close union, contact, association, or acquaintance."
lack of apparent advantages
it often appears that we have more to gain by speaking than by listening
ambushing
listen carefully to you, but only because they're collecting information that they'll use to attack what you say
avoiding
low affect low conflict strengths commitment conflict= bad accepting
2 experimenting
made contact with a new person, the next stage is to decide whether we are interested in pursuing the relationship further. =uncertainty reduction—the process of getting to know others by gaining more information about them =small talk =useful way to find out what interests we share with the other person. It also provides a way to audition the other person—to help us decide whether a relationship is worth pursuing =a safe way to ease into a relationship
hearing
meaning: perception of sound process: passive- physical senses: 1 concentration: not necessary to hear is the physical perceptions
Which of the following reasons explain why we do not listen better?
message overload, preoccupation, rapid thought, effort
why we don't listen better
message overload, preoccupation, rapid thoughts, effort, external noise, faulty assumptions, lack of apparent advantages, lack of training, hearing problems
a developmental perspective
model by mark knapp demonstrates coming together and falling a part third phase is relational maintenance
validating
moderate affect less conflict we ness companionship conflict= issue problem solving
lack of apparent advantages
more to gain by speaking than by listening. -nonlisteners are likely to find that the people they cut off are less likely to treat their ideas with respect. Like defensiveness, listening is often reciprocal. You get what you give.
limits of intimacy
most people want four to six close, important relationships in their lives at any given time =economic transactions (the people at work or the shopkeeper you visit several times a week), some on group membership (church or school), some on physical proximity (neighbors, carpooling), and some grow out of third-party connections (mutual friends, child care). -Some scholars have pointed out that an obsession with intimacy can actually lead to less satisfying relationships -This can lead them to regard interaction with strangers and casual acquaintances as superficial or, at best, as the groundwork for deeper relationships.
masculine and feminine intimacy styles
most social scientists believed that women are better than men at developing and maintaining intimate relationships -research does show that women (taken as a group) are somewhat more willing than men to share their thoughts and feelings, although the differences aren't as dramatic as some people might think -terms of the amount and depth of information exchanged, female-female relationships are at the top of the disclosure list. Male-female relationships come in second, whereas male-male relationships involve less disclosure than any other type. -female trait of disclosing personal information and feelings makes women more "emotionally mature" and "interpersonally competent" than men -men often experience and express intimacy through shared activities and by doing things for and with others. -gender role that a particular man adopts. -the man who encourages sex early in a relationship or after a fight may not be just a testosterone-crazed lecher: He may view the shared activity as a way to build closeness. By contrast, the woman who views personal talk as the pathway to intimacy may resist the idea of physical closeness before the emotional side of the relationship has been discussed -one analysis of prime-time television sitcoms revealed that male characters who disclose personal information generally receive favorable responses from other characters -cultural shift is occurring in North America in which fathers are becoming more affectionate with their sons than they were in previous generations—although some of that affection is still expressed through shared activities
understanding
occurs when we make sense of a message. It is possible to hear and attend to a message without understanding it at all -listening fidelity to describe the degree of congruence between what a listener understands and what the message sender was attempting to communicate.
faulty assumptions
often we make incorrect assumptions that lead us to believe we're listening attentively when quite the opposite is true
preoccupation
often wrapped up in personal concerns that seem more important than the messages that others are sending. It's difficult to pay attention to someone else when you're worrying about an upcoming exam or thinking about the great time you plan to have over the next weekend.
friends and family/ romantic partners
openness and social networks were used the most -assurance
characteristics of romantic relationships
people in loving romantic relationships live longer, happier, healthier lives. three characteristics that typify most romantic relationships: love, commitment, and affection
Which of the following types of family communication patterns desire decisions to be made with a consensus?
pluralistic families
6 differentiating
point where the "we" orientation that has developed shifts, and more "me" messages begin to occur. Instead of talking about "our" weekend plans, differentiating conversations focus on what "I" want to do =likely to occur when a relationship begins to experience the first, inevitable feelings of stress =often a part of normal relational maintenance, in which partners manage the inevitable changes that come their way
Friends with Benefits (FWB)
popular term for nonromantic heterosexual friendships that include sexual activity =60 percent of university students report having been involved in at least one FWB relationship =Some surveys suggest that both appreciate the chance to take care of physical needs without the challenges of emotional commitment
maintaining interpersonal relationships
positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, sharing tasks
types of listening responses
prompting, questioning, paraphrasing, supporting, analyzing, advising, judging
Which of the following types of family communication patterns tends to emphasize obedience and little to no encouragement to share thoughts and feelings?
protective families
cross-sex friendships
provide a chance to see things from a different perspective, which can be a welcome contrast to the kinds of interaction that characterize communication with friends of the same sex =men, this often means a greater chance to share emotions and focus on relationships. For women, it can be a chance to lighten up and enjoy banter and activities without emotional baggage =heterosexuals—present some challenges that don't exist among all-male or all-female companionships =while it's common for women to view men as platonic friends, men are more likely to feel romantic and physical attraction towards women they know =face-to-face settings, it can be important for the less-interested partner to communicate "no-go" and "friend zone" messages: less routine contact and activity, less flirtation, and more talk about outside romances.
Sending nonverbal communication behaviors that gives the appearance you are mindfully listening when really you are not is also known as what type of ineffective listening?
pseudo listening
Which strategy to manage dialectical tensions accepts the tensions as a part of the "roller coaster" nature of relationships?
reaffirmation
long term vs short term
reason some friendships may be short term is due to a change in values
immediacy
refers to the degree of interest and attention that we feel toward and communicate to others -A great deal of immediacy comes from nonverbal behavior, such as eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, and the distance we put between ourselves and others. -also come from our language. -can convey liking with a high degree of immediacy, such as with a big hug and kiss or by shouting "I really like you!" You can also imagine situations where you like someone but operate with a low degree of immediacy. -The most obvious types of immediacy involve positive feelings, but it's possible to express disapproval and disliking with either high or low intensity
conversation orientation
relates to how open families are to discussing a range of topics. Families with a high conversation orientation interact freely, often, and spontaneously. That's quite different from families with a low conversation orientation, where many topics are taboo and others can only be broached in a restricted way =Families with a high conversation orientation view communicating as a way to express affection and pleasure, and to relax =families with a low conversation orientation interact less, and there are fewer exchanges of private thoughts =communication in families with a low conformity orientation is characterized by individuality, independence, and equality. The belief in such families is that individual growth should be encouraged and that the interests of each individual member are more important than those of the family as a whole.
What is the type of communication that tries to keep relationships running smoothly and satisfactory?
relational maintenance
selective listening
respond only to the parts of your remarks that interest them, rejecting everything else ==legitimate, as when we screen out radio commercials and music and keep an ear cocked for a weather report or an announcement of the time. Selective listening is less appropriate in personal settings when obvious inattention can be a slap in the face to the other person
insensitive listening
respond to the superficial content in a message but miss the more important emotional information that may not be expressed directly.
supporting
reveals a listener's solidarity with the speaker's situation. One scholar describes supporting as "expressions of care, concern, affection, and interest, especially during times of stress or upset COLD COMFORT =Deny others the right to their feelings. Consider the stock remark "Don't worry about it." =Minimize the significance of the situation. Consider the times you've been told, "Hey, it's only ___." =Focus on "then and there" rather than "here and now." Although it is sometimes true that "you'll feel better tomorrow," =Cast judgment. It usually isn't encouraging to hear "You know, it's your own fault—you really shouldn't have done that =Focus on yourself. It can be tempting to talk at length about a similar experience you've encountered ("I know exactly how you feel. Something like that happened to me.. . ."). =Defend yourself. When your response to others' concerns is to defend yourself ("Don't blame me; I've done my part"
family communication is role driven
role is a set of expectations about how to communicate. =If roles are positive, then the expectations can shape good outcomes. But when predictions are negative ("Can't you do anything right?") or perhaps even more damaging ("Why can't you be more like your brother?"), the results may include decreased closeness and increased conflict =typically between ages eighteen and twenty-five), children who once required close supervision from their parents assert their independence
concious listening skills
silence: 3 minutes a day is a wonderful exercise to reset your ears and recalibrate, so you can hear the quite again mixer: listen in the coffee bar to how many channels of sound can I hear? savoring: enjoying mundane sounds (tumble dryer, coffee grinder) --hidden choir listening positions: the idea that you can move your listening positions to what's appropriate to what you're listening to (active/passive, reductive/ expansive, critical/ empathetic)
When her friend discloses a very traumatic experience, Susanna responds with empathy, praise, and reassurance. Susanna's listening response would best be described as what?
supporting
family systems are nested
suprasystems extended family— grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins, stepsiblings, in-laws, =children who grow up in violent environments tend to be more anxious and have weaker social skills in adulthood
cultural influences on intimacy
sixteenth-century Germany, a new husband and wife were expected to consummate their marriage upon a bed carried among witnesses who would validate the marriage -England as well as in colonial America, the customary level of communication between spouses was rather formal—not much different from the way acquaintances or neighbors spoke to one another -residents of Britain, Japan, Hong Kong, and Italy to describe their use of thirty-three rules that governed interaction in social relationships. wide range of communication behaviors: everything from using humor to shaking hands to managing money. The results showed that the greatest differences between Asian and European cultures focused on the rules for dealing with intimacy: showing emotions, expressing affection in public, conducting sexual activity, respecting privacy ==Taiwan and japan: After they are introduced, they address outsiders with a degree of formality. They go to extremes to hide unfavorable information about in-group members from outsiders on the principle that one doesn't air dirty laundry in public ==individualistic cultures such as the United States and Australia make fewer distinctions between personal relationships and casual ones. ==Americans are easy to meet but difficult to get to know, whereas Germans are difficult to meet but easy to get to know ==large differences that once existed between Western and Eastern cultures may be fast disappearing.
blur word
something that can mean different things to different people not specific
defensive listening
take others' remarks as personal attacks. The teenager who perceives her parents' questions about her friends and activities as distrustful snooping ==touchy parents who view any questioning by their children as a threat to their authority and parental wisdom.
meeting the challenge of listening
talk less, get rid of distractions, don't judge prematurely, look for key ideas
emotional sharing
talking about our emotional experiences with others
auditory fatigue
temporary loss of hearing caused by continuous exposure to the same tone or loudness If you are exposed to loud noise often enough, permanent hearing loss can result—as many rock musicians and fans can attest.
don't judge prematurely
tempting to judge prematurely when others criticize you, even when those criticisms may contain valuable truths and when understanding them may lead to a change for the better. Even if there is no criticism or disagreement, we tend to evaluate others based on sketchy first impressions, forming snap judgments that aren't at all valid The lesson contained in these negative examples is clear: Listen first. Make sure you understand. Then evaluate.
remembering
the ability to recall information. If we don't remember a message, listening is hardly worth the effort ===people remember only about 50 percent of what they hear immediately after hearing it. Within 8 hours, the 50 percent remembered drops to about 35 percent. After two months, the average recall is only about 25 percent of the original message
communication apprehension
the common fear of speaking in public.
affinity
the degree to which people like or appreciate one another -not always positive
control
the degree to which the parties in a relationship have the power to influence one another -conversation: who talks the most, who interrupts whom, and who changes the topic most often -decisions: Who has the power to determine what will happen in the relationship? What will we do Saturday night?
analazing
the listener offers an interpretation of a speaker's message. • Offer your interpretation as tentative rather than as absolute fact. There's a big difference between saying "Maybe the reason is . . ." or "The way it looks to me . . ." and insisting "This is the truth." • You ought to be sure that the other person will be receptive to your analysis. Even if you're completely accurate, your thoughts won't help if the problem holder isn't ready to consider them. • Be sure that your motive for offering an analysis is truly to help the other person.
According to LeeAnn Renniger's "Secret to Giving Great Feedback" TED Talk located in this module, the four parts of giving great feedback are
the micro yes, data point, show impact, end on a question
similarity
the more similar a married couple's personalities are, the more likely they are to report being happy and satisfied in their marriage -implicit egotism can affect perceptions of attractiveness. =Attraction is greatest when we are similar to others in a high percentage of important areas. For example, two people who support each other's career goals, enjoy the same friends, and have similar beliefs about human rights can tolerate trivial disagreements about the merits of sushi or rap music. =hen we encounter people who are like us in many ways but who behave in a strange or socially offensive manner =the reaction is often to put as much distance as possible between ourselves and this threat to our ideal self-image
5 bonding
the parties make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists =common-law, cohabitation, and life partners =bonding is the culmination of a developed relationship— the "officializing" of a couple's integration =The public display and declaration of exclusivity make this a distinct stage in the relationship =Bonding is the peak of what Knapp calls the "coming together" phase of relational development, but people in even the most committed relationships need to assert their individual identities
hearing
the physiological dimension of listening. It occurs when sound waves strike the ear at a certain frequency and loudness. Hearing is influenced by a variety of factors, including background noise. If there are other loud noises, especially at the same frequency as the message we are trying to hear, we find it difficult to sort out the important signals from the background --In the United States alone, more than 31 million people communicate with some degree of hearing loss --As a competent communicator, you need to recognize when you may be speaking to someone with a hearing loss and adjust your approach accordingly.
camp of being too direct
tips the other person into the land of being defensive in the brain called the amygdala: scanning at all time to figure out whether the message has a social threat attached to it
validating
to acknowledge the worthiness of the other person
summarizing
to bring discussion into focus in terms of summary. to conclude the listening session and setup a stage for further discussion
restatement
to check our understanding or interpretation. to show you are listening and you understand what is being said. to encourage the speaker to elaborate
neutral
to convey that you are interested and listening. to encourage person to continue talking. dont agree nor disagree, neutral words
metacommunication
to describe messages that people exchange, verbally or nonverbally, about their relationship -communication about communication -Verbal metacommunication is an essential ingredient in successful relationships. Sooner or later it becomes necessary to talk about what is going on between you and the other person.
clarifying
to get additional facts. to help the speaker explore all sides of a problem
advising
to help by offering a solution =• Is the advice needed? =is the advice wanted? =is the advice given in the right sequence? =is the advice coming from an expert =is the advisor a close and trusted person? = is the advice offered in a sensitive, face saving manner?
1 initating
to show that you are interested in making contact and that you are the kind of person worth talking to. =usually brief, and it generally follows conventional formulas: handshakes, remarks about innocuous subjects like the weather, and friendly expressions. These kinds of behavior may seem superficial and meaningless, but they are a way of signaling that we're interested in building some kind of relationship with the other person. =online dating service found that participants who identified themselves as shy expressed a greater appreciation for the system's anonymous, nonthreatening environment than did more outgoing users.
reflective
to show you understand how the speaker feels about what he/she is saying. to help person perceive how his/ her words affect others
romantic turning points
transformative events that alter the relationship in a fundamental way =involve everything from Facebook declarations to physical intimacy to the "first big fight" to breakups and makeups =provide clues about the status of the relationship: "I think you've been avoiding me since we visited your family" or "I feel much more connected after our big talk last week." Toward that end, they are useful tools for communicating—and metacommunicating—about the status of a romantic relationship.
According to the authors of our textbook, the advice as a listening response is unhelpful at least as often as it is helpful.
true
stage hogging
try to turn the topic of conversations to themselves instead of showing interest in the speaker == shift-response—changing the focus of the conversation from the speaker to the narcissist: "You think your math class is tough? You ought to try my physics class!" ==applicants who interrupt the questions of employment interviewers are likely to be rated less favorably than applicants who wait until the interviewer has finished speaking before they respond
the challenge of listening
types of ineffective listening: pseudo listening, stage hogging, selective listening, insulated listening, defensive listening, ambushing, insensitive listening
rapid thought
understanding speech at rates of 600 words per minute, the average person only speaks between 100 and 150 words per minute thinking about personal interests, daydreaming, planning a rebuttal, and so on. The trick to effective listening is to use this spare time to understand the speaker's ideas better rather than to let your attention wander
Couples that fight like "cats and dogs" and view conflict as battles to be won are using what conflict style for couples?
volatile
proximity
we are likely to develop relationships with people we interact with frequently. =allows us to get more information about other people and benefit from a relationship with them =if we live in the same neighborhood, odds are we share the same socioeconomic status
1 connection vs autonomy
we are unwilling to sacrifice our entire identity to even the most satisfying relationship. The conflicting desires for both dependence and independence are embodied in the connection-autonomy dialectic. =most common reasons for relational breakups involve failure of partners to satisfy each other's needs for connection: "We barely spent any time together," "She wasn't committed to the relationship," "We had different needs ="I was feeling trapped," "I needed more freedom." =3 stages: hold me tight, put me down, leave me alone =Both men and women in heterosexual romantic pairs cite the connection autonomy dialectic as one of the most significant factors affecting their relationship. =This dialectical tension is crucial in negotiating turning points related to commitment, conflict, disengagement, and reconciliation =When a loved one is in an extended period of declining health, the partner often feels torn between the desire to stay close and the need to let go
residual message
what we remember is a small fraction of what we hear
People who are easily hurt by insults or ridicule or when their efforts are not acknowledged are most likely using what love language?
words of affirmation
second issue with advice giving
your advice is not nearly as good as you think it is
talk less
zeno of citium If your true goal is to understand the speaker, avoid the tendency to hog the stage and shift the conversation to your ideas. Talking less doesn't mean you must remain completely silent Native American ones, value listening at least as much as talking
robert sternberg triangular theory of love
• Intimacy: This is the closeness and connectedness one feels in a relationship. We've already discussed how intimacy can be found and expressed in all the relational contexts described in this chapter. Using temperature as an analogy, Sternberg regards intimacy as the "warm" component of love. • Passion: This involves physical attraction and emotional arousal, often including sexuality. This is the "hot" component of love. • Commitment: This is the rational side of love, involving decisions to maintain a relationship over time (more on this later). This is love's "cool" component. =couples experiencing romantic love might exchange highly emotional messages ("I adore you" in a clutched embrace), with many displays of affection. Companionate love would be more verbally and nonverbally subdued, with phrases like "I enjoy your company" more typical. And empty love would be a shell of a relationship, void of most if not all affectionate messages =consummate love—the combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment—is an ideal that's rare to achieve and challenging to maintain =Maturity is also a factor in the experience of love. For instance, adolescents don't identify with the triangle components as well as adults do
