Chapter 11: Managing Conflict
Contempt
Communication that demeans and belittles another person
Inevitability
Conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best relationships
Perceived scarce resources
Conflicts exist when people believe there isn't enough of something to go around: affection, money, space, and so on
Conflict in relational systems
- Conflict is relational: character is determined by the way the people involved interact - Conflict is not just a matter of individual choice - Conflict depends on how partners interact
Expressed struggle
-Everyone involved needs to know that some disagreement exists -Does not have to be verbal -Actions can be presented as an expressed struggle
Culture
-People from most cultures prefer mutually beneficial resolutions to disagreements whenever possible -The ways in which people communicate during conflicts vary from one culture to another
Conflict Management in Practice
1. Define your needs 2. Share your needs with the other person 3. Listen to the other person's needs 4. Generate possible solutions 5. Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one 6. Implement the solution 7. Follow up the solution
Passive aggression
A communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner
Compromise
A conflict style in which both people get only part of what they want because they sacrifice some of their goals (half way)
Defensiveness
A reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility
Escalatory spiral
A reciprocal communication pattern in which one person's attack leads to a counterattack by the other, with the level of hostility steadily increasing
De-escalatory spiral
A reciprocal communication pattern in which one person's nonthreatening behavior leads to reduced hostility by the other, with the level of hostility steadily decreasing
Competition (Win-Lose)
A win-lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others. When in competing, there are two types of aggression: passive aggression, and direct aggression (my way)
Collaboration (Win-win)
A win-win conflict style in which both people get what they want. Involving a high degree of concern for both self and others (our way)
Perceived incompatible goals
All conflicts look as if one party's gain would be another's loss
Conflict
An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent people who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other person in achieving their goals
Direct aggression
An expression of the sender's thoughts and/or feelings that attacks the position and dignity of the receiver
Criticism
Attacks on a person's character
Conflict styles
Avoidance, Accommodation, Competition, Compromise, and Collaboration
Toxic Conflict: The "Four Horsemen" (4 destructive signs)
Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling (John Gottman)
Various parts of conflict
Expressed struggle, interdependence, perceived incompatible goals, perceived scarce resources, and inevitability
Variables in conflict styles
Gender, and culture
Which style to use?
It depends on the situation, the other person, and your goals
Avoidance
Occurs when people choose not to confront an issue directly (no way)
Accommodation (Lose-Win)
Occurs when we entirely give in to others rather than asserting our own point of view (your way)
Symmetrical conflict
Partners in a conflict use the same tactics
Common issues within serial arguments
Problematic behaviors, personality characteristics, and communication styles/practices
Serial arguments
Repetitive conflicts about the same issue
Gender
Research shows that men and women approach conflicts differently
Interdependence
The people in a conflict feel connected. The welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of others
Conflict rituals
Unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior
Complementary conflict
When partners in a conflict use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors
Stonewalling
Withdrawing from and shutting down interaction with another person