Chapter 7
cognitive theories
A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as love If we think someone likes us, we are more prone to find them attractive
Mania
Crazy lover: consumed by thoughts of lover; possessive and dependent, roller-coaster of highs and lows; anxious/ambivalent attachment style (lack of consistency)
Lee's colors of love
Eros, Ludus, Storge, Mania, Pragma, Agape
Behavioral Reinforcement Theories
We love because another person reinforces positive feelings in ourselves Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of another makes us like them, even if the reward is unrelated to that person Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing activities with a person (our environment can also reinforce whether or not we like someone when we meet them)
intimacy repertoire
a set of behaviors that we use to forge intimate relationships throughout our lives sometimes intense and fraught with jealousy the first is often an unattainable crush or infatuation
mature love
ability to maintain love over time; effort and commitment required; age and relationship length related to intimacy and commitment
nonlove
absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment
secure
accepts caregiver leaving
respect
acknowledging and understanding person's needs, even if you don't share them
compulsiveness
addicted to love
receptivity
allows other person to feel comfortable, makes us approachable
Bereczkei (2004)
attributes genetic sexual attraction, in part, to childhood imprinting on opposite-sex parent
developing intimacy
begins with understanding and liking ourselves (self-love)
making love last
being kind and respecting each other, compromise, takes work, finding common interest, making time for each other
GSA and the Westermarck Effect Theory
being separated makes it more likely to experience sexual attraction; when relatives raise a child from a young age, child develops imprint that makes child unattracted to those who raised them and who they were raised with (i.e. relatives who have lived together all their life are rarely attracted to each other) GSA controversial, rare and illegal - considered pseudoscience by many
avoidant
caregiver forces parting early
empty love
commitment only
intimacy
connection and feelings of closeness; emotional investment
collectivistic cultures
cultures that believe that passion disrupts family traditions
individualistic cultures
cultures that idealize passionate love
children of divorce
decreased well-being (though dependent on how amicable separation was), less trusting of partners, more likely to experience divorce in future
trust
dependable and predictable; knowing how and when to forgive (yourself and other partner)
yes
do men and women experience similar levels of jealousy in intimate relationships?
jealousy
emotional reaction to a relationship that is being threatened (threat is a matter of interpretation); the person we believe is threatening the relationship has traits we want for ourselves
GSA symptoms
extreme awareness of other person; hard desire to stay and talk; distractible behavior; making use of every opportunity to make physical contact; daydreaming of person
companionate or conjugal love
feeling of deep affection and ease - attachment and intimacy emerge, developing trust, loyalty, acceptance, willingness to sacrifice for partner unlike romantic love, no passionate highs and lows deeper, more intimate, mature, committed love - "true love"
Ludus
game-playing lover: enjoys act of seduction; doesn't value commitment, dependency, or intimacy; juggles multiple relationships; avoidant attachment style with caregivers
adult love
grows and changes over time; sense of stability and continuity are greatest challenges; attaining intimacy is different than loving
poorer level of psychological health
higher levels of manic and ludic love styles are associated with...
higher level of psychological health
higher levels of storge and eros styles are associated with...
evolutionary theory
humans have 3 basic instincts: 1: need for protection 2. parental instinct to protect child 3. sexual drive we love in order to propagate species heterosexual men seek healthy women to carry offspring; heterosexual women seek successful men with resources to care for her and offspring same-sex couples provide a solid foundation (loving relationship) to raise family
romantic love
idealized love, based on romance and perfection i.e. infatuation, passionate love, love-sickness sense of ecstasy and anxiety, physical attraction, desire (model of sexual relationships and marriage in modern western world) tend to idealize partner, ignore faults blooms in initial euphoria of new attachment (swept away, head over heels in love, etc.) celebrated in poetry, music, film, etc. idea that it will last forever, "happily ever after"
western countries
in which countries are love highly important?
asian countries
in which countries are love rated lowest and often marry for reasons other than love?
China
in which country is love thought in terms of how mate is received by family and community, rather than romance?
attachment
innate motivational system to attach to primary caregiver that: helps to ensure safety and survival sensitive, patient, kind responses playful, social, uninhibited, confident children may influence type of intimate relationships formed as adults
intimacy
inner or innermost feelings - closeness, bondedness, connectedness; self-disclosure
characteristics of love
intensity of the emotion is unique to each one of us, i.e. "no one else has ever loved as we have loved"
companionate love
intimacy and commitment
liking
intimacy only (friendship)
women
is it more socially acceptable for men or women to have agape?
men
is it more socially acceptable for men or women to have eros or ludus styles?
sexual encounter
jealousy trigger for men
emotional infidelity
jealousy trigger for women
culturally transmitted gender roles
largest factor in affecting style of intimacy
Sternberg's overall conclusions
love changes as we mature different forms of love may be experienced within the same couple over time problems can occur if one person's triangle differs significantly from the other's
self-love
love for oneself; the instinct or desire to promote one's own well-being being at ease with positive qualities and forgiving our faults
Love Triangles
love is 3 elements (passion, intimacy & commitment) that can be combined to produce 7 different types of love
unrequited love
love that is not returned
possessiveness
manipulative, controlling, watching partner - trying to manipulate partner in attempt to feel worthy/to increase our own sense of self-worth
factors that contribute to finding romantic love
marital status of parents (2 parents modeling love for children); quality of parental relationship (important); parents who are comfortable with own body and with expressing love and affection
love-addicted
moves from relationship to relationship trying to re-create same feeling; hangs on to love partner long after their interest has waned, continue to hang on even when you're with someone new
Sternberg's 7 forms of love
nonlove, liking, infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love, consummate love
pheromones
odorless chemicals processed in hypothalamus that influence choice of sexual partner attraction, mating, bonding
anxious/ambivalent
panic if left alone
fatuous love
passion and commitment
romantic love (Sternberg)
passion and intimacy
infatuation
passion only
consummate love
passion, intimacy, commitment the IDEAL love
benefits of love
physical and emotional health (decrease allocastic load): less stress, stronger immune system
Physiological arousal theory
physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion (i.e. love) we are more likely to experience love when we are aroused for any reason i.e. couples who meet during a crisis more likely to feel strongly about one another excited "tingling" feeling is confused for love (arousal is necessary component of love, but love is more than arousal alone)
Pragma
practical lover: shopping list of qualities for relationship, realistic love, uses logic in search of love
listening
providing our full attention
Storge
quiet, calm lover: companion love beginning as friendship that then deepens; marriage, stability and comfort goals; secure attachment style
society and media
reinforces the idea that we need to be in love; continuation of adolescent view of love that is never replaced as person matures; soul mate and happily ever after notion; idea that only when we are in love are we whole, happy and fulfilled
Eros
romantic lover: attracted to the physical, picture of ideal partner in mind, burns brightly but soon dies out, secure attachment style with caregivers
3 caregiver attachment types
secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant
confusing aspects of love
self-worth and self esteem; fears of rejection; passion and sexuality; jealousy and possessiveness; joy & sadness; communication; different emotions fighting for attention
Agape
selfless lover: altruistic, patient, never demanding, brief episodes of love; secure attachment style
affection
sense of warmth and security with partner
GSA causes
separation of siblings for long time; not members of nuclear family; extended long absence; meet each other as adults
passion
sexual desire and physical attraction; pursuit of romantic love
Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) Theory
strong sexual attraction may develop between close blood relatives who first meet as adults consanguineous relationships b/w siblings, donor children, adoptees, biological mother or father and child, etc. no direct evidence for genetic attraction being actual phenomenon criticized as pseudoscience
adolescent love
teaches us how to react to love, manage emotions, handle pain creates foundation for adult relationships
allocastic load
the biological effects, including the production of adrenaline, cortisol, and other chemicals, of stress on the human body
love
the capacity to make attachments with others that involve deep feeling, selflessness, and commitment
field of eligibles
the group of people from which it is socially acceptable to choose an intimate partner proximity (people we know or see often), similarity (background, values, attitudes, ethnicity), physical attraction ("matching hypothesis"), personality (openness, sociability, humor), economic resources (especially in men), mutual attraction and love these ideal qualities are consistent across gender, culture and sexual orientation
value intimacy
those who express greater trust in their friends, have concern for others, disclose more emotional, personal and relational content, have more positive thoughts about others, are perceived as likeable, smile, laugh and make more eye contact, and have more satisfying relationships....
historical Western world
time period during which existed the idea of marriage as economic union, arranged by parents (love grows over time)
Modern world
time period during which existed the romantic ideal of love preceding marriage
19th Century
time period during which romantic love the most desirable form of loving relationship
Middle Ages
time period during which there was a glorified idea of romantic love; idea of unrequited love
commitment
to love in the short term and to maintain that love in the long term
role repertoire
varied ways to relate with others - learn to establish strong personal identity separate from family members; once we find which behaviors work in our interactions with others, we develop patterns of interacting with others
loss of love
vulnerable to self-blame, loss of self-esteem, distrust of others; learn important relationship lessons
neurotransmitter stimulation
what creates motivation and cravings to be with particular partner?
euphoria, ecstasy, well-being
what feelings do phenylethylamine produce?
odor preferences
what preferences are influences by our major histocompatibility complex (MHC genes)?
chocolate
what sweet treat contains phenylethylamine?
communication and trust
which 2 elements help couples remain committed, interested and intimate?
lesbian and gay couples
which couples have similar reactions to infidelity?
culture
which is more influential in love and intimacy style (defines love, whom we love, how relationship proceeds), culture or gender?
heterosexual
which men and women are likely programmed to mate with partner whose MHC differs from their own?
gay men
which men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner?
ludus and eros
which styles are men more likely to have?
agape and pragmatic
which styles are women most likely to have?
Sternberg 1998, 1999
who came up with the Love Triangles Theory?
heterosexual women
who gives more importance to hope of having intimate relationship?
heterosexual men
who grows up with behavioral inhibitions to expressing intimacy? i.e. discouraged from displaying vulnerability and may remain unexpressive, even if they desire it
Dr. John Alan Lee 1974, 1988, 1998
who invented the theory of the Colors of Love (six basic ways to love, these love styles are independent and measurable)? Suggests that lovers with compatible love styles will be happier and more content than if incompatible collected statements from works of fiction and nonfiction (Bible, ancient & modern) in literature, philosophy & social sciences