Chapter 7

cognitive theories

A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as love If we think someone likes us, we are more prone to find them attractive

Mania

Crazy lover: consumed by thoughts of lover; possessive and dependent, roller-coaster of highs and lows; anxious/ambivalent attachment style (lack of consistency)

Lee's colors of love

Eros, Ludus, Storge, Mania, Pragma, Agape

Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

We love because another person reinforces positive feelings in ourselves Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of another makes us like them, even if the reward is unrelated to that person Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing activities with a person (our environment can also reinforce whether or not we like someone when we meet them)

intimacy repertoire

a set of behaviors that we use to forge intimate relationships throughout our lives sometimes intense and fraught with jealousy the first is often an unattainable crush or infatuation

mature love

ability to maintain love over time; effort and commitment required; age and relationship length related to intimacy and commitment

nonlove

absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment

secure

accepts caregiver leaving

respect

acknowledging and understanding person's needs, even if you don't share them

compulsiveness

addicted to love

receptivity

allows other person to feel comfortable, makes us approachable

Bereczkei (2004)

attributes genetic sexual attraction, in part, to childhood imprinting on opposite-sex parent

developing intimacy

begins with understanding and liking ourselves (self-love)

making love last

being kind and respecting each other, compromise, takes work, finding common interest, making time for each other

GSA and the Westermarck Effect Theory

being separated makes it more likely to experience sexual attraction; when relatives raise a child from a young age, child develops imprint that makes child unattracted to those who raised them and who they were raised with (i.e. relatives who have lived together all their life are rarely attracted to each other) GSA controversial, rare and illegal - considered pseudoscience by many

avoidant

caregiver forces parting early

empty love

commitment only

intimacy

connection and feelings of closeness; emotional investment

collectivistic cultures

cultures that believe that passion disrupts family traditions

individualistic cultures

cultures that idealize passionate love

children of divorce

decreased well-being (though dependent on how amicable separation was), less trusting of partners, more likely to experience divorce in future

trust

dependable and predictable; knowing how and when to forgive (yourself and other partner)

yes

do men and women experience similar levels of jealousy in intimate relationships?

jealousy

emotional reaction to a relationship that is being threatened (threat is a matter of interpretation); the person we believe is threatening the relationship has traits we want for ourselves

GSA symptoms

extreme awareness of other person; hard desire to stay and talk; distractible behavior; making use of every opportunity to make physical contact; daydreaming of person

companionate or conjugal love

feeling of deep affection and ease - attachment and intimacy emerge, developing trust, loyalty, acceptance, willingness to sacrifice for partner unlike romantic love, no passionate highs and lows deeper, more intimate, mature, committed love - "true love"

Ludus

game-playing lover: enjoys act of seduction; doesn't value commitment, dependency, or intimacy; juggles multiple relationships; avoidant attachment style with caregivers

adult love

grows and changes over time; sense of stability and continuity are greatest challenges; attaining intimacy is different than loving

poorer level of psychological health

higher levels of manic and ludic love styles are associated with...

higher level of psychological health

higher levels of storge and eros styles are associated with...

evolutionary theory

humans have 3 basic instincts: 1: need for protection 2. parental instinct to protect child 3. sexual drive we love in order to propagate species heterosexual men seek healthy women to carry offspring; heterosexual women seek successful men with resources to care for her and offspring same-sex couples provide a solid foundation (loving relationship) to raise family

romantic love

idealized love, based on romance and perfection i.e. infatuation, passionate love, love-sickness sense of ecstasy and anxiety, physical attraction, desire (model of sexual relationships and marriage in modern western world) tend to idealize partner, ignore faults blooms in initial euphoria of new attachment (swept away, head over heels in love, etc.) celebrated in poetry, music, film, etc. idea that it will last forever, "happily ever after"

western countries

in which countries are love highly important?

asian countries

in which countries are love rated lowest and often marry for reasons other than love?

China

in which country is love thought in terms of how mate is received by family and community, rather than romance?

attachment

innate motivational system to attach to primary caregiver that: helps to ensure safety and survival sensitive, patient, kind responses playful, social, uninhibited, confident children may influence type of intimate relationships formed as adults

intimacy

inner or innermost feelings - closeness, bondedness, connectedness; self-disclosure

characteristics of love

intensity of the emotion is unique to each one of us, i.e. "no one else has ever loved as we have loved"

companionate love

intimacy and commitment

liking

intimacy only (friendship)

women

is it more socially acceptable for men or women to have agape?

men

is it more socially acceptable for men or women to have eros or ludus styles?

sexual encounter

jealousy trigger for men

emotional infidelity

jealousy trigger for women

culturally transmitted gender roles

largest factor in affecting style of intimacy

Sternberg's overall conclusions

love changes as we mature different forms of love may be experienced within the same couple over time problems can occur if one person's triangle differs significantly from the other's

self-love

love for oneself; the instinct or desire to promote one's own well-being being at ease with positive qualities and forgiving our faults

Love Triangles

love is 3 elements (passion, intimacy & commitment) that can be combined to produce 7 different types of love

unrequited love

love that is not returned

possessiveness

manipulative, controlling, watching partner - trying to manipulate partner in attempt to feel worthy/to increase our own sense of self-worth

factors that contribute to finding romantic love

marital status of parents (2 parents modeling love for children); quality of parental relationship (important); parents who are comfortable with own body and with expressing love and affection

love-addicted

moves from relationship to relationship trying to re-create same feeling; hangs on to love partner long after their interest has waned, continue to hang on even when you're with someone new

Sternberg's 7 forms of love

nonlove, liking, infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love, consummate love

pheromones

odorless chemicals processed in hypothalamus that influence choice of sexual partner attraction, mating, bonding

anxious/ambivalent

panic if left alone

fatuous love

passion and commitment

romantic love (Sternberg)

passion and intimacy

infatuation

passion only

consummate love

passion, intimacy, commitment the IDEAL love

benefits of love

physical and emotional health (decrease allocastic load): less stress, stronger immune system

Physiological arousal theory

physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion (i.e. love) we are more likely to experience love when we are aroused for any reason i.e. couples who meet during a crisis more likely to feel strongly about one another excited "tingling" feeling is confused for love (arousal is necessary component of love, but love is more than arousal alone)

Pragma

practical lover: shopping list of qualities for relationship, realistic love, uses logic in search of love

listening

providing our full attention

Storge

quiet, calm lover: companion love beginning as friendship that then deepens; marriage, stability and comfort goals; secure attachment style

society and media

reinforces the idea that we need to be in love; continuation of adolescent view of love that is never replaced as person matures; soul mate and happily ever after notion; idea that only when we are in love are we whole, happy and fulfilled

Eros

romantic lover: attracted to the physical, picture of ideal partner in mind, burns brightly but soon dies out, secure attachment style with caregivers

3 caregiver attachment types

secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant

confusing aspects of love

self-worth and self esteem; fears of rejection; passion and sexuality; jealousy and possessiveness; joy & sadness; communication; different emotions fighting for attention

Agape

selfless lover: altruistic, patient, never demanding, brief episodes of love; secure attachment style

affection

sense of warmth and security with partner

GSA causes

separation of siblings for long time; not members of nuclear family; extended long absence; meet each other as adults

passion

sexual desire and physical attraction; pursuit of romantic love

Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) Theory

strong sexual attraction may develop between close blood relatives who first meet as adults consanguineous relationships b/w siblings, donor children, adoptees, biological mother or father and child, etc. no direct evidence for genetic attraction being actual phenomenon criticized as pseudoscience

adolescent love

teaches us how to react to love, manage emotions, handle pain creates foundation for adult relationships

allocastic load

the biological effects, including the production of adrenaline, cortisol, and other chemicals, of stress on the human body

love

the capacity to make attachments with others that involve deep feeling, selflessness, and commitment

field of eligibles

the group of people from which it is socially acceptable to choose an intimate partner proximity (people we know or see often), similarity (background, values, attitudes, ethnicity), physical attraction ("matching hypothesis"), personality (openness, sociability, humor), economic resources (especially in men), mutual attraction and love these ideal qualities are consistent across gender, culture and sexual orientation

value intimacy

those who express greater trust in their friends, have concern for others, disclose more emotional, personal and relational content, have more positive thoughts about others, are perceived as likeable, smile, laugh and make more eye contact, and have more satisfying relationships....

historical Western world

time period during which existed the idea of marriage as economic union, arranged by parents (love grows over time)

Modern world

time period during which existed the romantic ideal of love preceding marriage

19th Century

time period during which romantic love the most desirable form of loving relationship

Middle Ages

time period during which there was a glorified idea of romantic love; idea of unrequited love

commitment

to love in the short term and to maintain that love in the long term

role repertoire

varied ways to relate with others - learn to establish strong personal identity separate from family members; once we find which behaviors work in our interactions with others, we develop patterns of interacting with others

loss of love

vulnerable to self-blame, loss of self-esteem, distrust of others; learn important relationship lessons

neurotransmitter stimulation

what creates motivation and cravings to be with particular partner?

euphoria, ecstasy, well-being

what feelings do phenylethylamine produce?

odor preferences

what preferences are influences by our major histocompatibility complex (MHC genes)?

chocolate

what sweet treat contains phenylethylamine?

communication and trust

which 2 elements help couples remain committed, interested and intimate?

lesbian and gay couples

which couples have similar reactions to infidelity?

culture

which is more influential in love and intimacy style (defines love, whom we love, how relationship proceeds), culture or gender?

heterosexual

which men and women are likely programmed to mate with partner whose MHC differs from their own?

gay men

which men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner?

ludus and eros

which styles are men more likely to have?

agape and pragmatic

which styles are women most likely to have?

Sternberg 1998, 1999

who came up with the Love Triangles Theory?

heterosexual women

who gives more importance to hope of having intimate relationship?

heterosexual men

who grows up with behavioral inhibitions to expressing intimacy? i.e. discouraged from displaying vulnerability and may remain unexpressive, even if they desire it

Dr. John Alan Lee 1974, 1988, 1998

who invented the theory of the Colors of Love (six basic ways to love, these love styles are independent and measurable)? Suggests that lovers with compatible love styles will be happier and more content than if incompatible collected statements from works of fiction and nonfiction (Bible, ancient & modern) in literature, philosophy & social sciences